thanks for the suggestions - I think I've got it
my personal statement, again Forum
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haveaniceday111
- Posts: 31
- Joined: Sat Jul 05, 2008 3:29 pm
my personal statement, again
removed.
thanks for the suggestions - I think I've got it
thanks for the suggestions - I think I've got it
Last edited by haveaniceday111 on Fri Oct 08, 2010 3:01 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Tanicius
- Posts: 2984
- Joined: Sat Feb 07, 2009 12:54 am
Re: my personal statement, again
K, this is simple advice, shouldn't have to quote anything so you can tell what I mean.
Show, don't tell. Get rid of stuff like that the sentence at the end with the word "synthesize." If the adcomm doesn't agree with the conclusion, telling it to them isn't going to change their mind. These kinds of declarations are hollow and they seem either insincere, cliche, or both. Humans are persuaded best via a recounting of experiences, not the statement of opinions the speaker formed from those experiences.
Show, don't tell. Get rid of stuff like that the sentence at the end with the word "synthesize." If the adcomm doesn't agree with the conclusion, telling it to them isn't going to change their mind. These kinds of declarations are hollow and they seem either insincere, cliche, or both. Humans are persuaded best via a recounting of experiences, not the statement of opinions the speaker formed from those experiences.
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CanadianWolf
- Posts: 11453
- Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm
Re: my personal statement, again
Your personal statement is too wordy & a bit repetitious.
Some of your sentences are creative & memorable. "The music reaches to where the light doesn't." is an example. "Like music, law is dynamic..." and "But like the light in the meeting center, law has its limits." are other examples.
As an early draft, your essay is good.
Some of your sentences are creative & memorable. "The music reaches to where the light doesn't." is an example. "Like music, law is dynamic..." and "But like the light in the meeting center, law has its limits." are other examples.
As an early draft, your essay is good.
