Final Draft (I hope!) Please Comment!! Forum

[Barbie]

Final draft, hopefully, is below. Please let me know any final critiques. I have used a variety of very helpful comments from a ton of TLSers to construct this version (obviously a lot of comments/critiques were conflicting so I had to work with what I thought (and again, hope) worked best!) Thanks in advance

[ArchRoark]

I think it is great. I am sure it will be a great asset to your application.

[Barbie]

I think it is great. I am sure it will be a great asset to your application.

thanks

[Dany]

I was kind of expecting this to be awful (with the Barbie name, avatar, and all the exclamation points you usually use.) I thought it was going to be about a sorority or something else frivolous.

I was so wrong. I loved it. I thought it was touching, well-written, and personal, without being sappy or woe-is-me at all, and it relates to law in a really sweet and poignant way. I am usually very critical, and even I thought this one was truly great.

(I hope you're not offended by anything in the first paragraph; I just mean that I wasn't expecting something so mature and lovely from such a "cutesy" online persona!)

Good luck on all your applications; I'm sure you will have a wonderful cycle!

[JordynAsh]

This is excellent. Good luck in your cycle!

[jmhendri]

This is actually a pretty strong statement.

I would make these adjustments:

This reason, as other patients have similarly experienced, --> The reason, as with the other patients,

I gave speeches --> I have given speeches

I wrote articles --> I have written

pursue my goal of attaining a law degree --> pursue a life in law

[Barbie]

This is actually a pretty strong statement.

I would make these adjustments:

This reason, as other patients have similarly experienced, --> The reason, as with the other patients,

I gave speeches --> I have given speeches

I wrote articles --> I have written

pursue my goal of attaining a law degree --> pursue a life in law

That is actually how it was originally written, but one of my critiques was to write in a more active voice. I'm so torn.. haha.

[jmhendri]

That is actually how it was originally written, but one of my critiques was to write in a more active voice. I'm so torn.. haha.

I would use the active voice if you were to be more specific about what you were doing. I wrote X article, etc. When speaking more generally I think it sounds awkward. But that may just be me. Just my two cents... take it with a grain of salt.

[thecilent]

The statement is pretty good.

I do have one comment for your introduction TO the statement, though

Final draft, hopefully, is below. Please let me know any final critiques. I have used a variety of very helpful comments from a ton of TLSers to construct this version (obviously a lot of comments/critiques were conflicting so I had to work with what I thought (and again, hope) worked best!) Thanks in advance

Namely, the parentheses inside the parentheses. This is never a good move.

[ARTfulDodger]

This is a great statement. Nice job!

[Barbie]

The statement is pretty good.

I do have one comment for your introduction TO the statement, though

Final draft, hopefully, is below. Please let me know any final critiques. I have used a variety of very helpful comments from a ton of TLSers to construct this version (obviously a lot of comments/critiques were conflicting so I had to work with what I thought (and again, hope) worked best!) Thanks in advance

Namely, the parentheses inside the parentheses. This is never a good move.

lol. fair enough.

[existenz]

Listen to jmhendri, she is right.

Also, "a week's time spent in the intensive" should be "a week in the intensive"

Finally:

Each week, I help the attorneys host free bankruptcy seminars and guide people struggling with the current economy on how to maintain their lives.

might sound better as

Each week, I help the attorneys as they host free bankruptcy seminars and offer advice to people struggling with the current economy.