The ability to edit... Forum

[nickbentley]

Two uploads to google docs.

Which PS is better at this point?

Feel free to edit...

https://docs.google.com/document/edit?i ... y=CPbegP0B

https://docs.google.com/document/edit?i ... y=CIOXjvgK

[ARTfulDodger]

Well, I think both need work. The second PS is definetly stronger, but that's not saying much. The tone of your personal statement, IMO, was a bit snobby. Maybe it's just me? And, some of your paragraphs are much too short. You should elaborate more on some of your main points and maybe add something else to it that would make it more interesting. It was also a little boring.

[nickbentley]

Well, I think both need work. The second PS is definetly stronger, but that's not saying much. The tone of your personal statement, IMO, was a bit snobby. Maybe it's just me? And, some of your paragraphs are much too short. You should elaborate more on some of your main points and maybe add something else to it that would make it more interesting. It was also a little boring.

K cool. Snobby in what sense?

[El_Gallo]

Mormon or J whit?

I think that they are very well written but as the previous poster stated a little boring. Adcons read hundreds of these bad boys. You are going to want to stand out more. This is probably a fairly common subject/theme, you may want to try to stand out more by giving more specifics. You could talk about your relationship with your brother or maybe give more details of the closed mindeness of your classmates.

Very nice writing though! Good luck!

[ARTfulDodger]

I don't know. That was just the general first impression. I could be wrong. I will re-read your second PS to be sure and get back to you.

[ARTfulDodger]

Okay...here's why I thought it was snobby...

The second PS has a better tone than the first. In your first PS, it seems a bit snobby when you talk about "tactfully defending..." To me, as a reader, I don't want to hear all that (no offense). Just say in a nut shell that you stood your ground on the issue. So I'm glad you changed that in your second PS.

Any other questions?

[nickbentley]

Okay...here's why I thought it was snobby...

The second PS has a better tone than the first. In your first PS, it seems a bit snobby when you talk about "tactfully defending..." To me, as a reader, I don't want to hear all that (no offense). Just say in a nut shell that you stood your ground on the issue. So I'm glad you changed that in your second PS.

Any other questions?

Ok sweet. I agree! Do you see anything like that anywhere else in there? I want to come off as confident, but not a dick. haha

[ARTfulDodger]

Lol. There's nothing snobby like that in the second PS.