Second Draft of my PS...any feedback is appreciated Forum

[Beantown26]

Removed...

[CanadianWolf]

CHANGE: "Me being an accounting major,..." to "As an accounting major,...".
CHANGE: "Pushing back my graduation..." to "Postponing graduation...".
CONSIDER: "A construction contractor by trade, my uncle used his days to teach lessons of hard work and the rewards of a job well done."
CONSIDER: "Additionally, I had just signed an employment contract with the fourth largest accounting firm in the world, KPMG.
Change: "for" to "to" in "...offering a bonus to anyone who...".

Although not exhaustive, these suggested modifications to your personal statement should make it read more smoothly.

[CanadianWolf]

This essay should work for Boston College due to your wealth of family history in Massachusetts & the Catholic Church's ties to Italy. Even though much of your essay focuses on your uncle, you successfully relate his advice & accomplishments to your own motivation & goals. As this is the real world, and not an isolated academic ivory tower, your family's achievements are worth noting in the context of your personal statement and it is notable that you have done so in an unpretentious fashion.
Of course, your numbers remain important, but in a close decision regarding whether or not you will be admitted, your personal statement should help.

[Beantown26]

Thank you so much.