Personal Statement Feedback Please Forum

[lakerfanimal]

edit

[merichard87]

I wasn't moved by this statement. Also, I'm kinda bothered by PS's which detail a dealing with poverty/adoption/prison and then the writer ends with "...I know I can't change the world but ...", seems very meh. I think the story about Joe could be flushed about more though.

[CanadianWolf]

My first impression is that this essay seems disjointed & leaves the reader wondering what happened to the first essay. Seems as if you wrote several paragraphs, stopped, came back & wrote to a different prompt. Clearly this writing needs substantial revision. You should determine what you want to share with the admissions committee about yourself, your experiences & your understanding of this piece of your world, and then proceed in a more logically consistent manner. In my opinion, this draft is a bit too unrefined to seek critiques suggesting much more than that you organize your thoughts & then present them in a more coherent fashion.

[ShuckingNotJiving]

FIrst off, CASA is great -- that's awesome that you've done work for them!

Signs of any impact I was having on Joe were few and far between, but I kept telling myself that I really could make a positive impact in Joe’s life, especially from all the tragic details I saw about Joe in his case file.

One quick thematic issue:

It's odd that you were so concerned with the effect you were having on him, and not how Joe was adjusting to having a stranger in his life. This makes it seem like your work was more "you-centered" as opposed to "Joe-centered." Also, the last sentence is "meh" as someone pointed out, but ALSO the statement "these children" is like nails on the chalkboard to me. Those are two themes-- "you-centered" and "us and them"-- you need to avoid when writing a statement like this.

[lakerfanimal]

Ahhh got ya, I didn't realize that was the impression I was giving. Yeah I'm going to go back and organize it a little bit more. To the first poster, you're definitely right, my original draft was 4 pages or something and I guess I didn't do a good job of cutting the essay but still maintaining my theme properly. Going back to the cutting board, thanks everyone!

[2807]

Content is one thing, grammar is another.

Let me address grammar. I apologize if this is not the forum for this, but I am certain grammar will count as much as content in the process. Hope this helps...

Just remember this: FANBOYS (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so). If you do not have one of these after your comma--you better have a good reason (rule) for it. Go re-read your PS and see what you find.....

You cannot, just put a comma, where you want, for effect. Each side of that comma should be able to stand on its own as a sentence. (Unless you are naming a list, or delineating an introductory clause, or a few other issues). Try the OWL at Purdue (google it). It is very helpful for writing tips and rules. Many teachers send their students there for easy online categorized help.

Many students have spent hours on there. Many of them are me.

Oh: here is an edit/tip. Master and memorize the basic rules and write within them. If you write a sentence that you cannot defend with your known grammar mastery-- re-write the sentence in a way you can !

Like Wyatt Earp said, "A man has to know his limits."

When in doubt, change the sentence. (that part is me, not Wyatt)

Kind of like when you were in school-- if your research lead you to realize your thesis was wrong..... then change your thesis....heh heh.

[lakerfanimal]

I posted an edited version of my PS above. Any feedback would be awesome, thank you very much