First Draft PS - All comments welcome Forum

[2011bub]

Deleted

Thanks for the help!

[plazaro89]

Do you really think talking about your drug use won't ask more questions rather than giver admissions committees answers? just a question. You're def. a good writer though.

[kmap]

On the contrary, I think the problem here is the style, not the content. This is way too thesaurus-happy. Some of your usages of fancy terms are incorrect. Why not just use more natural phrasing? It will come off as more sincere anyhow.

[CanadianWolf]

Clear writing is not your strength. This is a poorly written essay. Your writing style is contrived & awkward making the reader feel uncomfortable. Little evidence of clarity of thought. Too much BS, too little substance.

[dominkay]

On the contrary, I think the problem here is the style, not the content. This is way too thesaurus-happy. Some of your usages of fancy terms are incorrect. Why not just use more natural phrasing? It will come off as more sincere anyhow.

Agree. This was painful to read.

OP, try writing closer to how you actually think. You sound incredibly pretentious. The fancy words you're using aren't even impressive; who doesn't know the words "latter" or "dispute"? But the way you use them is awkward.

I recommend this book: http://www.bartleby.com/141/

[Spykuh]

I think you need to start from scratch. This is making the same mistakes that so many other people make. As Ivey says, there is a difference between a personal statement and a statement of purpose. There is almost nothing in this that points to your personality. Most of what you say is just overly generalized and convoluted statements about the law.

There is no dispute that law affects the conditions of society on every level. Contributions to society can rarely be achieved in a more fluid manner than through the law, and to some ends there is no improvement of social conditions which does not involve the law. My intent is to make such a contribution, whether it be as an advocate or an academic, and ultimately benefit society.

I guarantee that adcomms will actually groan outloud when they read this. It sounds like you have the workings of an inflection essay, and I would try working from that angle instead of "why law".