Please critique my (close to) final draft Forum

[dabbadon8]

EDIT: Posted updated version at bottom of thread. I could still use more feedback. Thank you.

I could use some opinions about how close my PS is to being ready to submit. Any constructive comments or criticism would be greatly appreciated.

I sit in a backstage trailer on a cool autumn night. The rumblings of thirty thousand people permeate the thin walls, echoing our nervous anticipation. Tom Johnston, lead singer of The Doobie Brothers, has just finished wishing us luck when the stage manager announces that we have “five minutes!” The band I founded is moments away from playing our largest show, yet the night’s events are bittersweet. Several weeks ago, the other three members of the band informed me they intended to move to Nashville to pursue a record deal. I had already known, however, that the time had come to make a decision. Beginning in our formative days my band mates would continually razz me, “If we ever get a record deal, you’re going to quit the band and go to law school, aren’t you?” I would pretend to laugh it off, but their jokes provoked serious thought as to what I wanted.
The band had undergone a dramatic evolution from our humble beginnings. From the outset, I envisioned our path to success and took the role of band manager. I scheduled writing sessions and practices five times a week. After months of this routine, our voices were raspy and our fingertips callused, but we had four respectable forty-five minute sets. With our material in place, I booked our first performances by pleading with local bars to allow us to play for free. Within five months of our first rehearsal, the band supported my college expenses. I took advantage of our local success and secured a gig for us as the opening act for the group Kansas and suddenly people were begging to book us for their venues. Several times a week we played in cities two hours away, leaving at six p.m. and not returning till four in the morning. The mounting difficulty of balancing school and music finally culminated as I unloaded from a gig four hours before an eight a.m. test. I could no longer postpone making a choice, though it hurt me to do so.
The day that the band informed me of their plans, I told them I had made a decision to pursue law school. While they may have thought that I was “selling out” for a more traditional career path, music actually led me to my choice. My introduction to law came through learning how to copyright songs I had written. In my research, I stumbled upon cases like John Fogerty v. Creedence Clearwater Revival, in which Fogerty, who left Creedence for a solo career, was accused of infringing on “Run Through the Jungle.” A song that he wrote! I became intrigued by music’s dependency on law to protect artists’ rights. This initial interest ultimately spread to civil, animal and victim’s rights. What began as a simple search for copyright information turned into a passion that naturally coexisted with music. I realized that the elements I loved in music, such as analyzing content, comparing the use of different concepts in various situations, and the ability to creatively interpret compositions, were the same things that drew me to law. I decided on a legal career because it offers me the intellectual stimulation that I love in music combined with the ability to make a direct and substantial positive impact on my community.
The spring break following the Doobie Brothers show, while my friends vacationed, I stayed behind to interview for an internship with the State Attorney’s Office. Two months later I found myself in a corner office hearing a stern voice warning me: “Remember, this is for this man’s life!” It was my responsibility to complete a death penalty evaluation to determine whether the prosecution would seek capital punishment in a double homicide case. In front of me was a stack of papers containing all the legal precedents and at my feet sat a box holding all the pertinent details I would have in order to decide whether a 23-year-old man would be tried for his life. Over the course of several days I reviewed the case, discussing all the relevant case law, and arguing my interpretation of the facts with my supervisor. I relished weighing in on decisions that required both ethical and intellectual chops, and I knew that I had made the correct choice of careers after witnessing the impact of our decisions in emotional meetings with next-of-kin.
Through carefully examining my priorities, I came to the conclusion that a career in the legal field will fulfill my need for invigorating intellectual stimulation as music has done, while also providing me the opportunity to directly serve the community. It is my intention to use the legal education offered at ___________________ to pursue a career in the field of public interest law. I am going forward with no regrets, and if one day Tom Johnston comes calling, I may not be in the position to share the stage, but I will undoubtedly be able to offer sound legal advice.

[testmachine45]

This is ridiculous. There is no way you decided if someone would be tried for the death penalty or not.

[dabbadon8]

This is ridiculous. There is no way you decided if someone would be tried for the death penalty or not.

You'd be surprised. There is a set of aggravating and mitigating factors that are evaluated. It turns into what is essentially an equation. Of course all my work was reviewed by a supervisor and then their supervisor who works directly under the elected State Attorney, so in that sense, I didn't have free reign, but I did complete the evaluation.

edit: and I actually did three of them.

[testmachine45]

I think this might be a bad addition. The death penalty thing makes it sound like you are playing God and reveling in your power.
While it has an emotional impact(like music) its an actual affect on the application may be disbelief. Also, at the federal level at least, Assistant DA's are REQUIRED to fill out death penalty evaluation forms by law. I can't imagine the paralegal would be doing this.

[kmarks]

Yea (re: death penalty stuff), I'm kind of doubting and it almost sounds like you're exaggerating just to impress them. There may be a way to talk about it and make it sound more plausible; right now it sounds like you're wielding all this (unbelievable) power.

Also, the emotional attachment and love you have for performing doesn't really come across, I don't think. I undertand that you took on all these responsiblities and it required time and effort, but I don't get the sense of how much you loved it and how much it meant to you. It sounds just like something you did once with Kansas and the Doobie Brothers. (although, really cool)

[dabbadon8]

I think this might be a bad addition. The death penalty thing makes it sound like you are playing God and reveling in your power.
While it has an emotional impact(like music) its an actual affect on the application may be disbelief. Also, at the federal level at least, Assistant DA's are REQUIRED to fill out death penalty evaluation forms by law. I can't imagine the paralegal would be doing this.

Well this was district, and I do go on to explain specifically why I liked it. I also have a LOR testifying to me doing it so idk where the disbelief will come from...Just used it as a powerful example. If you are familiar with what it actually is, it isn't so unbelievable, but I didn't exaggerate, it is what it is.

[testmachine45]

OK, well assuming you do...I still think the whole concert thing is more like a child loving his favorite band than something relevant to either your performance in law school or your character or how the band thing tells us soemthing about u besides that u like music.

Edit: I actually think this is good in its mission, but that its not as good as it could be.

[dabbadon8]

OK, well assuming you do...I still think the whole concert thing is more like a child loving his favorite band than something relevant to either your performance in law school or your character or how the band thing tells us soemthing about u besides that u like music.

I respect your opinion, my intention with the band was to show leadership and ambition through taking the manager position, booking the gigs etc., work ethic through the practice schedule, and gig schedule., showing that I accomplished something out side of college, whatever. If you don't think this comes across...

edit: and the opening about the concert is there to hook the reader and set up the plot/structure

[testmachine45]

OK, well assuming you do...I still think the whole concert thing is more like a child loving his favorite band than something relevant to either your performance in law school or your character or how the band thing tells us soemthing about u besides that u like music.

I respect your opinion, my intention with the band was to show leadership and ambition through taking the manager position, booking the gigs etc., work ethic through the practice schedule, and gig schedule., showing that I accomplished something out side of college, whatever. If you don't think this comes across...

edit: and the opening about the concert is there to hook the reader and set up the plot/structure

I don't think that specific aspect of it comes across very well. Because you make it sound like any old job. Make it sound like you were in love with the band liek the band was your only child and you were trying to grow it. That you were risking failure. That this was not a "good" time but part of the process of achieving your dreams. That you had people's lives in your hands not just on the death row thing but with the band.

I do think this has a ton of potential. I do think it successfully shows your interest in the law(except the ethical and intellectual chops part, this is a sign that you didnt really think about it). The reason u want to go to law school is not cause of ethical and intellectual chops its because, just like your work with the band, you believe it(AND YOU!) can change lives.

[Emma.]

Honestly, I think this is not going to do you justice as a final draft. I'll try to post some more specific feedback when I am sober though.

[dabbadon8]

Ha well, according to the input I received, I should probably just start over. If you guys could give any specific tips for how I could improve on the things you've mentioned that be great. I could use a little bit more of the constructive part of the criticism cause at this point I can't do much with your feedback short of major rewrites. (and if you think that is necessary let me know)

[CanadianWolf]

It just doesn't work. When I wanted insight, I read details. Too many details, too little insight. I agree with the above poster who wrote that it seems implausable that you, as an inexperienced clerk, decided whether or not a defendant would or wouldn't face the death penalty.
To improve your personal statement, you need to decide what messages you would like to convey to the reader. It's clear that you were part of a very talented band that was signed to a record contract & that you worked as a clerk who made potentially life or death decisions. And that, somehow, these two aspects of your life led you to law school.
After reading your personal statement I don't like or dislike you--I just don't care. And that type of response is unlikely to help your law school applications.

[dabbadon8]

It just doesn't work. When I wanted insight, I read details. Too many details, too little insight. I agree with the above poster who wrote that it seems implausable that you, as an inexperienced clerk, decided whether or not a defendant would or wouldn't face the death penalty.

What details are extraneous that I can remove? What is an example of what you mean by insight? My intended messages were, that I am ambitious and accomplish what I set out to, that deciding between music and law affirmed my interest in law, and that I am intellectually curious. Idk if I said this succinctly but that was roughly what I was going for.

In addition I said I completed a death penalty evaluation, and it was obviously under supervision, the a felony division chief SA wrote me an LOR specifically attesting to me completing them, so I don't get how it will be unbelievable.

[CanadianWolf]

A quick example of an extraneous factual statement is the entire sentence about John Fogarty which might be interpreted by some readers as just unnecessary name-dropping.
You are obviously a talented writer. The grammer & structure is fine, but there is very little insight into who you are, how you became that way & how you view the world. Think of a very beautiful well built house with no family & no furniture inside. It's a house & not a home. Your essay has no soul.

[dabbadon8]

A quick example of an extraneous factual statement is the entire sentence about John Fogarty which might be interpreted by some readers as just unnecessary name-dropping.

I understand what you are saying, I put in that sentence for two reasons, primarily to help make the leap from music to PI, and two, to keep the music theme running/keep the reader interested. If I removed many of the details I will have to change the entire structure of the PS to idk what because most details serve a structural role. Any advice in what I could do to remedy this?

[CanadianWolf]

There just isn't anything personal about your personal statement. Too many facts & too much name-dropping. I can't offer what you are looking for in a critique because I have no idea who you are. I know a lot of facts about you, but I don't really understand their impact upon your development & your decisions.
It may help if you think of a personal statement as a chance to get the admission committee members to know you, to like you & to understand you.

[dabbadon8]

There just isn't anything personal about your personal statement. Too many facts & too much name-dropping. I can't offer what you are looking for in a critique because I have no idea who you are. I know a lot of facts about you, but I don't really understand their impact upon your development & your decisions.

Fair enough, I am going to look it over and try to better illustrate the personal effects of my decisions. Add more soul.

I still would appreciate more feedback from you or others.

[CanadianWolf]

Your writing is difficult to critique in large part because as an essay it is probably an "A", but as a personal statement it fails to achieve its goal. Attorneys write differently for internal office communications than for letters to opposing counsel and much differently for work product that will be read by judges.
The strength of your writing is the clarity of expression. You write well. But, after reading your personal statement, the reader still doesn't know you even though they know a lot about you.

[dabbadon8]

Your writing is difficult to critique in large part because as an essay it is probably an "A", but as a personal statement it fails to achieve its goal. Attorneys write differently for internal office communications than for letters to opposing counsel and much differently for work product that will be read by judges.
The strength of your writing is the clarity of expression. You write well. But, after reading your personal statement, the reader still doesn't know you even though they know a lot about you.

I feel though I'd have to sacrifice crucial details and "plot" to get more personal stuff in. Hence a new PS. Unless there is a way I can reword, or edit in around the existing structure...

[CanadianWolf]

The absence of emotion and insight in your writing might actually be the makings of a good prosecutor, however. "These are the facts & this is what will be done" type of approach.

[dabbadon8]

The absence of emotion and insight in your writing might actually be the makings of a good prosecutor, however.

"lacking insight" yeah might as well put that in my achievements section if I apply to the SAO.

[CanadianWolf]

I didn't mean it that way. Prosecutors follow the letter of the law. They ascertain facts, apply them to the law & present them to grand juries & courts. Prosecutorial writings are not meant to share insights or show emotion.

[dabbadon8]

I didn't mean it that way. Prosecutors follow the letter of the law. They ascertain facts, apply them to the law & present them to grand juries & courts. Prosecutorial writings are not meant to share insights or show emotion.

Well I agree that writing a creative essay while I am interning at a law firm and in the legal writing mode is probably partially responsible for it's style

[dabbadon8]

I made some slight changes in light on the criticisms in this thread. Nothing major but a couple of key word changes in the death penalty paragraph, and a couple of other places.


I sit in a backstage trailer on a cool autumn night. The rumblings of thirty thousand people permeate the thin walls, echoing our nervous anticipation. Tom Johnston, lead singer of The Doobie Brothers, has just finished wishing us luck when the stage manager announces that we have “five minutes!” The band I founded is moments away from playing our largest show, yet the night’s events are bittersweet. Several weeks ago, the other three members of the band informed me they intended to move to Nashville to pursue a record deal. I had already known, however, that the time had come to make a decision. Beginning in our formative days my band mates would continually razz me, “If we ever get a record deal, you’re going to quit the band and go to law school, aren’t you?” I would pretend to laugh it off, but their jokes provoked serious thought as to what I wanted.
The band had undergone a dramatic evolution from our humble beginnings. From the outset, I envisioned our path to success and took the role of band manager. I scheduled writing sessions and practices five times a week. After months of this routine, our voices were raspy and our fingertips callused, but we had four respectable forty-five minute sets. With our material in place, I booked our first performances by pleading with local bars to allow us to play for free. Within five months of our first rehearsal, the band supported my college expenses. I took advantage of our local success and secured a gig for us as the opening act for the group Kansas and suddenly people were begging to book us for their venues. Several times a week we played in cities two hours away, leaving at six p.m. and not returning till four in the morning. The mounting difficulty of balancing school and music finally culminated as I unloaded from a gig four hours before an eight a.m. test. I could no longer postpone making an agonizing choice.
The day that the band informed me of their plans, I told them I had made a decision to pursue law school. While they may have thought that I was “selling out” for a more traditional career path, music actually led me to my choice. My introduction to law came through learning how to copyright songs I had written. In my research, I stumbled upon cases like John Fogerty v. Creedence Clearwater Revival, in which Fogerty, who left Creedence for a solo career, was accused of infringing on “Run Through the Jungle.” A song that he wrote! I became intrigued by music’s dependency on law to protect artists’ rights. This initial interest ultimately spread to civil, animal and victim’s rights. What began as a simple search for copyright information turned into a passion that naturally coexisted with music. I realized that the elements I loved in music, such as analyzing content, comparing the use of different concepts in various situations, and the ability to creatively interpret compositions, were the same things that drew me to law. I decided on a legal career because it offers me the intellectual stimulation that I love in music combined with the ability to make a direct and substantial positive impact on my community.
The spring break following the Doobie Brothers show, while my friends vacationed, I stayed behind to interview for an internship with the State Attorney’s Office. Two months later I found myself in a corner office hearing a stern voice warning me: “Remember, this is for this man’s life!” It was my responsibility to draft a death penalty evaluation to determine whether the prosecution should seek capital punishment in a double homicide case. In front of me was a stack of papers containing all the legal precedents and at my feet sat a box holding all the pertinent details I would have in order to decide whether a 23-year-old man should be tried for his life. Over the course of several days I reviewed the case, discussing all the relevant case law, and arguing my interpretation of the facts with my supervisor. I relished weighing in on decisions that required both ethical and intellectual chops, and I knew that I had made the correct choice of careers after witnessing the tangible impact of our decisions in emotional meetings with next-of-kin.
Through carefully examining my priorities, I came to the conclusion that a career in the legal field will fulfill my need for invigorating intellectual stimulation as music has done, while also providing me the opportunity to directly serve the community. It is my intention to use the legal education offered at ___________________ to pursue a career in the field of public interest law. I am going forward with no regrets, and if one day Tom Johnston comes calling, I may not be in the position to share the stage, but I will undoubtedly be able to offer sound legal advice.