Draft of a rather 'personal' personal statement Forum

[ArchRoark]

Due to the nature of my topic I would rather just PM it.. if anyone is willing to take a look at my PS and/or my DS, please post in this thread and I will message them to you.

Thank you guys in advance

[deathviaboredom]

Sure. Want to swap Ps and Ds?

[ArchRoark]

Sure. Want to swap Ps and Ds?

http://www.top-law-schools.com/forums/v ... 8&t=124143

No thank you. If the accusation is unfounded well then forgive my ignorance but I am going to waver on the side of caution.

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The topic isn't that crazy... it is just a personal struggle that I rather keep off the public boards. If anyone else is willing to look at it let me know and thanks again to those who have taken the time to give me feedback.

[PotatoMonkey]

I'd be willing to edit, if you wanted. I'll try to get it back to you by tonight, if not tomorrow.

[jjlaw]

Hi, I could give you feedback if you'd take a look at mine -- http://www.top-law-schools.com/forums/v ... 8&t=121522

You can PM me if you'd prefer. Thanks!

[ArchRoark]

Hi, I could give you feedback if you'd take a look at mine -- http://www.top-law-schools.com/forums/v ... 8&t=121522

You can PM me if you'd prefer. Thanks!

Sure -- I will warn you though... I am not the best at editing, but I will do my best!

EDIT: Posted in your thread

I'd be willing to edit, if you wanted. I'll try to get it back to you by tonight, if not tomorrow.

Thanks, I messaged you.

[ArchRoark]

deleted thanks

[maddox86]

I think it's written very well and you do a great job by addressing your background and how it enriched your life. My only comment is about mentioning your father and the custody agreement, it doesn't seem to add to the piece (it's a DS, no?)...

[ArchRoark]

I think it's written very well and you do a great job by addressing your background and how it enriched your life. My only comment is about mentioning your father and the custody agreement, it doesn't seem to add to the piece (it's a DS, no?)...

Thanks for the advice. Yah I guess I initially added it to mention how I grew up being raised by a single-mother. Would you recommend I just nix the paragraph or make it more explicit on how it has enriched my life (i.e. learning the lesson of hard work from working since I was 14/watching my mom struggle to provide opportunities)?

[maddox86]

I think it's written very well and you do a great job by addressing your background and how it enriched your life. My only comment is about mentioning your father and the custody agreement, it doesn't seem to add to the piece (it's a DS, no?)...

Thanks for the advice. Yah I guess I initially added it to mention how I grew up being raised by a single-mother. Would you recommend I just nix the paragraph or make it more explicit on how it has enriched my life (i.e. learning the lesson of hard work from working since I was 14/watching my mom struggle to provide opportunities)?

Don't nix it completely, talk about living in Spain with your father after the divorce, I just don't think the custody part is too relevant ..

hope this helps

[billyez]

I really like your style. It punctures and engages me. That being said...sometimes I think it gets in the way. For instance, I like the emotion that's invoked in me when I read, "From my father's actions I learned about the dual nature of love. Although empowering and nurturing love can often blind oneself from making difficult but necessary decisions...", but what does that have to do with the theme of "cultural heritage" that is being developed in the PS? You talk about your father's actions, but you don't really talk about the "dual nature" of love. You don't really explain your father's actions in the context of that second sentence - you just give us one sentence that is a quick summation of the facts. You just state the facts without elucidating on how you felt about it and how it affected you. Unless your willing to devote the space in your DS to do so, you should excise that portion of the essay and rework the paragraph to focus on the "richness of Spanish culture" and what place that rich cultural heritage has in your life. What does that cultural heritage do for you? To you? I think this is an issue that needs to be resolved...you talk an awful lot about "cultural heritage" but at the same time you keep it at arm's length.

At the end of this PS, I understand tha your cultural heritage gave you the confidence necessary to be secure in your identity. I understand that its important to you. But something is missing here...I feel as if all the elements are there for a strong understanding of what your cultural heritage means to you, but for me at least, I don't think its fully developed.

There are also some sentence structure issues here that impair the DS's readability (That sentence regarding how "empowering and nurturing" love is or the last sentnece, which goes on longer than it should as a single sentence, are examples); but since you relegated criticism to the stylistic sector, I'm not going to note those issues.

[ArchRoark]

I really like your style. It punctures and engages me. That being said...sometimes I think it gets in the way. For instance, I like the emotion that's invoked in me when I read, "From my father's actions I learned about the dual nature of love. Although empowering and nurturing love can often blind oneself from making difficult but necessary decisions...", but what does that have to do with the theme of "cultural heritage" that is being developed in the PS? You talk about your father's actions, but you don't really talk about the "dual nature" of love. You don't really explain your father's actions in the context of that second sentence - you just give us one sentence that is a quick summation of the facts. You just state the facts without elucidating on how you felt about it and how it affected you. Unless your willing to devote the space in your DS to do so, you should excise that portion of the essay and rework the paragraph to focus on the "richness of Spanish culture" and what place that rich cultural heritage has in your life. What does that cultural heritage do for you? To you? I think this is an issue that needs to be resolved...you talk an awful lot about "cultural heritage" but at the same time you keep it at arm's length.

At the end of this PS, I understand tha your cultural heritage gave you the confidence necessary to be secure in your identity. I understand that its important to you. But something is missing here...I feel as if all the elements are there for a strong understanding of what your cultural heritage means to you, but for me at least, I don't think its fully developed.

There are also some sentence structure issues here that impair the DS's readability (That sentence regarding how "empowering and nurturing" love is or the last sentnece, which goes on longer than it should as a single sentence, are examples); but since you relegated criticism to the stylistic sector, I'm not going to note those issues.

Thanks billyez- always appreciate your posts.

deleted thanks

[billyez]

The only thing I like about the proposed replacement paragraph is that it only has one central thread of thought - that being your cultural heritage. The problem is that you made your cultural heritage even more indistinct and distant this time. This is absolutely dry and detached. Even when you write about a good point in the new paragraph (how understanding Spain's cultural heritage has enabled you to view other cultures with a different perspective) it's done in a very tiresome manner. I recommend taking the hallmark sentence of the first iteration of that paragraph (the one which meantions Goya and the like) and making that statement the medium through which you describe what role Spain's cultural heritage has in your life.

[ArchRoark]

The only thing I like about the proposed replacement paragraph is that it only has one central thread of thought - that being your cultural heritage. The problem is that you made your cultural heritage even more indistinct and distant this time. This is absolutely dry and detached. Even when you write about a good point in the new paragraph (how understanding Spain's cultural heritage has enabled you to view other cultures with a different perspective) it's done in a very tiresome manner. I recommend taking the hallmark sentence of the first iteration of that paragraph (the one which meantions Goya and the like) and making that statement the medium through which you describe what role Spain's cultural heritage has in your life.

I edited it ever so slightly and I actually kinda enjoy the paragraph the more I read it. I do see your point though,,, I am going to have to sit down and try and knock out a third iteration of it tomorrow. I guess my point in that paragraph was to try and get across that my background has shaped me into something different than its respective parts but still dependent on it. the whole three legged stool analogy. I may just cut that whole bit and just keep the amalgamation sentence and work into the goya line. UGH my mind is spinning

My problem now is that it is too long and I don't know what to cut (1.5pgs 12pt font/double space). Most DS prompts I see ask to keep it to 1 page. I am thinking about just nixing that entire paragraph but it would leave a pretty big part of myself out of it.

[billyez]

Well...I hope I didn't come off too strong in terms of my opinion there. Just wait and see what other folks think about it - this wouldn't be the first time I'm wrong in my assessment of someone's writing, after all.

You know, despite the fact that I like the shout-out to Spain and it's cultural heritage, if you cut that paragraph I think this DS still works. The previous two paragraphs put a sizable amount of meat on the bone for the reader to chew on in regards to your cultural experiences (for me, the second paragraph especially).

[PrincessLexiRae]

If you want, I'll take a look at it. PM it.

[deathviaboredom]

PM me. We can swap.

[ArchRoark]

If you want, I'll take a look at it. PM it.

Going to get another draft finished over the next couple of days then I will send it to you.

PM me. We can swap.

You already posted in this thread... see my response at the top.

[pinkpanther]

hey i'd be willing to swap ps. Mine's a bit of a "personal" personal statement also.