first draft- what do you think? Forum

[Komaliie]

Change has been the most influential learning experience of my life. As a 21 year old, I can recall my childhood years, growing up in my warm, tropical native country of Pakistan. Even more prominent than my memories of growing up in Pakistan, I remember the most momentous and life-altering change: leaving my Urdu-speaking country to start anew in the suburban town of Alexandria, Virginia in the summer of 1996. I cannot begin to understand how my parents came to such a life-altering decision without first considering their circumstances. Until this day, Pakistan is still a very gender stereotypical country; all girls are either teachers or nurses and all boys are everything but teachers and nurses. My mom was a teacher, all my aunts were teachers, and my friends’ moms were teachers. Having raised six girls, my father wanted us all to be something we wanted to be, not something society expects us to be. Shortly before my seventh birthday, my parents recognized that a choice had to be made between the easy course of action or the right one. They left everything they knew as home, bringing what little they had in hope to build a new and better life.

After a month of living with my uncle, my father had earned enough money, working day and night as a taxi driver, for us to move into a small two-room apartment in Alexandria, Virginia for the eight of us. While my parents worked, my father as a taxi and bus driver and my mother as a baby-sitter, I attended Weyanoke Elementary School. I entered my third grade classroom with the excitement of a typical eight year old, but my anticipation quickly dissipated into fear. Not only were language barriers present, but the cultural differences between the students and I made it difficult for us to communicate with each other. Instead of dwelling on the differences, I decided to learn as much as I could about the American culture and English grammar. At this point in my life, I was less concerned with the extracurricular activities that the school offered and more concerned with learning. By the time I was 12, we moved to a three-room apartment in Falls Church, Virginia. Being in a new city and a new school made me realize that although grades were an important factor, being involved in the school and classmates was crucial. By participating in various organizations throughout middle and high school, I was able to build, not only invaluable friendships, but also came to realize my individuality and my potential for contribution. Eventually we moved to a single-family house in Woodbridge, Virginia where I graduated from Woodbridge Senior High with an Advanced Diploma and Honors. I believe all my experiences affiliated with these moves have contributed to shape my identity as a stronger and more secure individual. I carry with me, wherever I go, a part of these places and the impact they have had on my life.

After graduation, I decided to attend George Mason University with the understanding that it not be a pinnacle of my academic pursuits, but rather a stepping-stone to future opportunities. My success so far is not only a testament to my intellectual ability, but also the strength of my determination. While I ponder on the circumstances that have led me to where I am today, I realize I am more fortunate than most to have learned and experience the value of hard work, and understand the perseverance necessary to endure and succeed. I consider my past a means of shaping me into the individual I am today and I feel that my personal experiences will help me bring a unique and distinctive perspective to XXXX Law School.

[ShuckingNotJiving]

You shouldn't be writing so much about your experiences in middle school and high school. You want to come off as an adult, and I think it's safe to say that most adults progress in their mental capacity /ambition as they get older. Unless you've regressed, and are now less capable than you were in high school (which I sincerely hope is not the case), you should emphasize your accomplishments in COLLEGE that show how you've grown in dedication and in intellectual competence.

[BriaTharen]

This seems like more material for a diversity statement than a PS, especially since everything happened before college hit.

[testmachine45]

too much telling, not enough showing

[Komaliie]

You shouldn't be writing so much about your experiences in middle school and high school. You want to come off as an adult, and I think it's safe to say that most adults progress in their mental capacity /ambition as they get older. Unless you've regressed, and are now less capable than you were in high school (which I sincerely hope is not the case), you should emphasize your accomplishments in COLLEGE that show how you've grown in dedication and in intellectual competence.

Okay I can take some stuff out and add college related things. Its just I didn't want to bring up what my resume will show such as my internship with the DOJ and Attorney Gen Ken Cucinelli.

Okay what's the difference btw diversity statement and personal statement?

What can I do to make it better?

[CanadianWolf]

Very well written. Easy to read. Shows clarity of thought. Makes the reader understand much about who you are, how you see yourself & what motivates you. I don't think that you need to add much about your college years unless there was an aspect that substantially influenced your development.
If I may ask, did you have this essay edited, if not, how many drafts did you write? This is very well done, in my opinion, especially if it is, as titled, a first draft.

[Komaliie]

Very well written. Easy to read. Shows clarity of thought. Makes the reader understand much about who you are, how you see yourself & what motivates you. I don't think that you need to add much about your college years unless there was an aspect that substantially influenced your development.
If I may ask, did you have this essay edited, if not, how many drafts did you write? This is very well done, in my opinion, especially if it is, as titled, a first draft.

Thanks you so much! This is actually my first draft, I edited it myself a few times before posting it here. Did you see any grammatical mistakes or had trouble understanding anything?

[thecilent]

Very well written. Easy to read. Shows clarity of thought. Makes the reader understand much about who you are, how you see yourself & what motivates you. I don't think that you need to add much about your college years unless there was an aspect that substantially influenced your development.
If I may ask, did you have this essay edited, if not, how many drafts did you write? This is very well done, in my opinion, especially if it is, as titled, a first draft.

Thanks you so much! This is actually my first draft, I edited it myself a few times before posting it here. Did you see any grammatical mistakes or had trouble understanding anything?

You should def turn this into your ds and write a different ps. This doesn't tell anything about why you want to go to law school/ why you want to be a lawyer or even anything you've done recently.

[CanadianWolf]

Unless there is a specific prompt or clear instructions to address "why do you want to go to law school" or "why do you want to be a lawyer", then your personal statement is a chance to share who you are, how you view the world and/or what experiences have impacted your development. Most, if not all, "things that you have done recently" should already be included in your application or resume.

[thecilent]

Unless there is a specific prompt or clear instructions to address "why do you want to go to law school" or "why do you want to be a lawyer", then your personal statement is a chance to share who you are, how you view the world and/or what experiences have impacted your development. Most, if not all, "things that you have done recently" should already be included in your application or resume.

But this could be turned into a really good ds. Then she could use the ps for something else. And yeah apps and res give you a chance to list things, but the ps gives you a chance to go in depth about one of those things if you want

[xqhp82]

is it a major problem if i don't mention things that happened during college? i wrote my DS mainly based on the first 18 years of my life and my PS based on a hobby that's mentioned nowhere in the application, and its influence on me before college. would adcoms find it weird that some apparently great college experience that i mentioned in my resume are not mentioned in my PS at all?