Critique Rikku's statement, please! Forum

[Rikkugrrl]

Okay, I hope it's not apparent that I have basically have no idea what I'm doing. This is my very first attempt at a personal statement and I completely will shred the entire thing if need be. I quickly reviewed it for spelling/grammar, but I'll look back at that more seriously after I know how much of it I can salvage. I just need a little direction (and I can definitely take criticism, so hit me with your best shot!) Thank you so so much!

EDIT: It's also short, I know. It was 700 words, but I cut it down since I heard statements are supposed to be 500 words. It's like 550 now.

She wasn’t Kermit the Frog. She wasn’t the Wicked Witch of the West. But at that moment, the green shade of Jessa’s face was somewhere between forest and fern.

She was one of my regulars at the Speaking Lab, a free service sponsored by the college designed to assist students with public speaking. Standing in front of the chalkboard, shuffling her notes and looking as if she wanted to sink into the floor, she mumbled through her presentation on why students should join Greek life, with all the enthusiasm of a prisoner on his way to the electric chair. This was her third visit to the Speaking Lab in a week and she continued to stutter, whisper, and stare at every spot in the room other than the chair I, the audience, was sitting in. But I wasn’t worried.

I had worked for the Speaking Lab as a tutor since my freshman year at *undergrad college*, and Jessa was by far my favorite client. Public speaking didn’t come easy to Jessa, but she never gave up. She wanted to be a broadcast journalist. I remember telling her that as long as she kept coming back, I would be there waiting to help her. We worked together, sometimes long after my shift was over, going over the speech again and again. Soon it wasn’t just her challenge; it was also mine. I recorded her speeches and gave her the tapes to study. I made up handouts and sample outlines for her to use. In return, she visited the lab at least once a week, every week until the end of the semester. When my boss came by to tell me it was time to close, we would beg her for a few more minutes. Just a little more. Just a little further. Our joint efforts paid off. She brought up her grade to a respectable B+.

I respect that kind of motivation and strive to incorporate it not just in my work, but also in my studies, hobbies, and dreams. I completed the rigorous requirements of the Honors program at my college, a program only 5% of the class of 2010 graduated from. It meant more than a few sleepless nights at the Math Lab, where the tutor became the tutored, but I was not about to let the extra math requirements stand in my way. The summer before my senior year, I trained for a triathlon. It was a first for me, and every day I’d come back home sunburned and sore, but eventually, the biggest hill in my neighborhood could not wear me out. I could ride seven miles on my bike without getting winded. Then eight. Then nine. I always knew I could go just a little further if I tried.

“Just a little further” will be my theme for law school. I am currently completing an internship in the Public Defender’s office and this experience has cemented my desire to become a lawyer. It will not be easy, but I know from experience what can happen if I push myself. Jessa’s B+ and my seven miles may not seem like life changing events. But those little things are what I’ll be thinking about on my first day of law school. Simple wins, small victories, and proof of what can be achieved through hard work.

[esq]

It has a creative appeal to it. I think that you might improve it by elaborating on your experience interning with a public defender. You could talk about what insights you have gained into the practice of law through your internship, and then make a connection between those insights and how your work as a tutor is relevant to them. For example, you might point out that you have a greater appreciation for the role public defenders play as advocates who help the disadvantaged overcome their issues - sight a specific example maybe? You realize that that through your background as a tutor, you could be an effective advocate in a similar role? Certainly you might find this satisfying. By going this route, I think that you could make a strong connection between your background and your desires to go to law school.

ps. 700 words, or more for some law schools, is fine.

[Rikkugrrl]

Thank you that sounds great! And I'm glad to hear about the 700 word limit, I was thinking 500. I think I'll keep a 500 word draft and a 700 word draft just in case. Anyone else?

[CanadianWolf]

Although it is clear that you spent a substantial amount of time crafting your personal statement, the result is not good in my opinion. This essay is better suited for applying for admission to college rather than to law school. Your personal statement creates an impression that you are much younger than the typical law school applicant, and that is not a positive with respect to law school admissions.
Your personal statement focused too much on Jessa without any appropriate purpose.

[Rikkugrrl]

Well I didn't spend too much time on it because I wasn't sure how much I'd be able to save and didn't want to get too invested in it. Anything I can do to improve it?

Edit: Thanks for reviewing!

[CanadianWolf]

No. It might be better to start over. This personal statement may lower your chances for admission to law school because it is not constructed well & conveys an impression of a younger writer than is appropriate for law school admission. Your writing offers no mature insights into your view of the world or reasons for wanting to attend law school.
Consider deleting everything about Jessa & the public speaking lab in favor of sharing some growth experiences & observations about your internship at the public defenders office.
Also, probably due to my fascination with the TV show Breaking Bad, I read "Math Lab" as "Meth Lab" which won't help your law school application. I've actually read admissions essay where the writer claimed to be hooked on Coke--as an alternative to morning coffee. The writer meant Coca Cola but used the slang term for the drink which unintentionally raised concerns about drug use. (Applicants actually do write occasionally about overcoming addictions or partying too hard at an earlier stage of their life.)

[Rikkugrrl]

Okay, I'll try something else.

[NonTradHealthLaw]

It's certainly an easy read, and you come across very likeable and humble - all commendable traits, but it's lacking a bit of teeth.

1. Opening paragraph - engaging and distracting at the same time. Yes she's scared, but, green? I think you could open with "'just a little further' will be my theme for law school. This is a mantra I learned from Jessa, one of my regulars at...." Also, consider shifting the focus on how you helped Jessa rather than how she accomplished her goals - this statement is about you. Jessa seems lovely, but I don't really care about her.

2. "With all the enthusiasm of a prisoner..." isn't the strongest analogy in my opinion - I see death marches as resigned yet stoic and defiant, rather than shy, nervous and hesitant which Jessa seems.

3. Your "voice" shifts from present to past to passive tense quite a bit; your last sentence is a fragment

4. As esq mentioned, it'd be interesting for you to cite experiences in your internship that "cemented your desire to be a lawyer." This may help emphasize your maturity.

Pretty solid first draft, although as CW said, a bit juvenile. Certainly share it with an english professor for a full dissection of grammar.