First Draft! Please review (PS Posted) Forum

[sandaltan]

BUH-LETED.

[Barbie]

hey, want to trade PS?

[sandaltan]

hey, want to trade PS?

sure darby girl, send it over.

[Barbie]

Here we go (I PMed mine), btw- I'm just trying to help you, and I know how important this is so I am being a little strict.

-I think you touch on too many things in your intro. I think mentioning passion of all these things might actually make an adcomm wary that this is just another "phase". I would take out why you took the job at the law firm because the reasons aren't so compelling. Just say what became of it. You mention Max like I should know him without an introduction. Saying you were "content" may hurt you. You want to show passion for a law career, rather than "might as well" attitude.
I think you should start with JUST your passion for sports (or A sport). And how a passion for law then emerged from your newfound desire to overcome obstacles, etc.
You mention basketball, but before that it was vague what sport. I think you should start off really passionate ab basketball (what you loved) and transition. Like I said, the all-over-the-place intro turns me away. I'm thinking this might be too complicated. Sharpen it up.
The 3rd to last paragraph I would remove completely. After the second to last one, I would then include that this is another challenge, but you knew how to overcome it, and it felt great and all that.

Also, IDK if this is just me, but I would take out how "tiny" the law firm is. Just because it has a weird undertone, almost a judgement rather than a fact.

The writing gets better as the statement progresses. You get more in your pattern or groove as it goes on. Go back and re-work the beginning with this style. You are able to get your point across clearly, it just needs a little precision! Let me know if you want me to read your next version!