Critique my Final Draft(maybe) Forum

[IAMGenius]

Please Read and give your opinions... Thank you.

The e-mail made time stand still, and for a moment I was overwhelmed with unreserved feelings of success. “We are proud to inform you that Black Leaders of Tomorrow (BLT) has been granted permanent charter status as a recognized Auburn University organization.” For me, this was one of the first successes of my eventful college career. Once just an idea shared amongst friends, the creation of a student organization aimed at mentoring minority high school students was officially established. It was through this organization that I was able to accomplish many personal goals, such as giving back to the community that helped me become the man I am today. Unfortunately, it is also a community where many of my peers were not as lucky and seemed to be doomed to statistics. The community I speak of is the black community.

I credit my success in life to hard work and the knowledge of how to succeed. This is knowledge that seems to be lacking amongst the youth in the black community. As a black male who was able to beat statistics, I believe it was imperative to create an organization that would mentor minority students and show them a better path in life. This ideal would become the basic principle behind Black Leaders of Tomorrow. However, the motivation to start this community service oriented organization came about during my freshman year at Auburn University. I was in search of an organization that was heavily involved with the community, but I didn’t want to join a group whose members just punched the clock to fulfill a community service requirement. I wanted the work I did to reflect who I was as a person.

One day I was asked to give a presentation to a group of minority high school students who were visiting Auburn for the day. I was asked to present my viewpoint on college and how my decision to attend college has been beneficial. Being a freshman, I didn’t really understand how my input would help; however, I agreed. During the presentation, I presented my viewpoint to a room of blank stares and sleepy groans. Feeling as though everyone was bored with my ‘life in college so far’ story, I asked the students a couple of questions. The responses to these questions would lead to a turning point in my college life. I started by asking, “How many of you want to go to college?” Most of the students raised their hands. I continued, “How many of you understand the process of getting to college?” To this question I can vividly remember four students raising their hands. I thought to myself “How can you not understand the process for getting to college?” My thoughts were soon rationalized as one student commented, “Nobody has really ever talked to me about it. I know I want to go, but I am not sure what I need to do other than take the ACT”.

This was a story not too unfamiliar too my own. Going through high school I knew very little about the process. High school counselors are helpful, but trying to mentor an entire class of seniors can be a hard task for anyone to accomplish. So, I sought out to learn and complete the process on my own, relying very little on outside help. I understand that for many even that can be an obstacle.

Through the feedback of these students I was inspired to initiate Black Leaders of Tomorrow. I founded BLT during the fall of my sophomore year with the help of my close friends. We all held the same ideals for the organization, and this was to help and inspire those in need. The scope of the organization is to visit high schools within the state of Alabama and talk with students in various grade levels about life after high school. We discuss various topics including the importance of education, the college application process, and most importantly the alternatives to college. Many counselors have applauded our efforts and commented that our work is a great supplement to their programs and gives kids a firsthand account that they cannot offer.

As an organization BLT has seen steady growth in membership between 2007 and 2010. Originally starting with a roster of 15 members we have grown to 58. We continue to visit schools in cities across the state of Alabama including Birmingham, Montgomery and the Auburn area. We also hold a weekly study session for youth at a local church and a weekly bible study at the same location. I am very proud of the success my organization has had on Auburn University’s campus. However, my joy doesn’t come because of my affiliation as the organization’s founder, but it comes from the principles that have been instilled in me through my work with the organization.

Black Leaders of Tomorrow has not only changed me as a person, but it has also influenced my career aspirations. With a Juris Doctorate I will be able to continue serving my community through the practice of law. In my life as a college student I have learned that giving back doesn’t take a lot of money or time. All it takes is effort and a will to make things better for those who come after you. Through BLT I have been able to do my part in reducing the attitude held by many minority students from underprivileged backgrounds. It should be known that where you come from is not all that defines who you are. It also takes an understanding of where you are going and the effort you are willing to put forth to get there. I know that my organization is only one star in a sky of billions, but I hope it is a beacon of light leading others to serve and give back as it is for me.

[ShuckingNotJiving]

Isn't it a bit redundant to have "don't send" and then also "critique more" and "start over" which would mean "don't send?"

Anyways, I think you need to have this critiqued more. There's nothing wrong with the essay technically, but here are some of my concerns (if they matter at all):::

-Lack of voice: it just reads to me like you're writing what you think you should write. There is a bit of a disconnect, it seems, between the writer and the subject. The second paragraph is the only paragraph that you seem to genuinely reflect on your experience with the organization. Some of the other paragraphs have a lot of fluff that might invoke an eye roll or two. Like: "In my life as a college student I have learned that giving back doesn’t take a lot of money or time. All it takes is effort and a will to make things better for those who come after you." C'mon now.

-There are a lot of cliches. Cliches generally correlate with poor writing skills. Because it's clear that you aren't a poor writer, I wonder if it's just because you wanted to take the easy way out. You know, using a cliche instead of taking the time to describe something more sincerely. Here are some of the cliches I saw:

"time standing still"
"as a black male who was able to beat the statistics" (I call this a cliche because I would imagine there will be a lot of black males who will have that exact sentence in their diversity statements. Actually, when looking at the diversity statements on the URM board, I can wholly confirm that assertion. I think, you should want to stand apart from them.)
"a will to make things better"
"one star in a sky of billions"
"beacon of light"

Words used ad nauseam: in the first two paragraphs you use the word "community" eight times. That's a lot.

-Finally, you don't really explain how your work with Black Leaders of Tomorrow connects to your desire to practice law. If you're going to include the sentence: "With a Juris Doctorate I will be able to continue serving my community through the practice of law," then you should probably add a little bit as to how, exactly, you plan on doing this.

[billyez]

Actually, just so we're sure...this is a Personal Staement, not a Diversity Statement, right? I ask because after reading ShuckingNotJiving's response and reading through it, it certainly feels like a DS.

I know that you created the organization, but it appears like the organization is the focus of the paper rather than yourself. That's not a good thing.

[esq]

Scrap it, it makes you sound cliche, not interesting.

[CanadianWolf]

In my opinion, this is a very good personal statement that should help your chances for admission to law schools-- especially those law schools sensitive to the need for minority recruitment. You may want to consider expanding upon why you think that law school will help you to serve this community. The dominant strength of this essay is the clarity of thought shown, followed by its genuineness.

[IAMGenius]

Actually, just so we're sure...this is a Personal Staement, not a Diversity Statement, right? I ask because after reading ShuckingNotJiving's response and reading through it, it certainly feels like a DS.

I know that you created the organization, but it appears like the organization is the focus of the paper rather than yourself. That's not a good thing.

It is a Personal Statement. I plan to write a seperate Diversity statement, although I was told it could stand as both.

[billyez]

The dominant strength of this essay is the clarity of thought shown, followed by its genuineness.

This is true and its why the third paragraph is my favorite. It certainly feels like the genuine article, but I still think something's missing by framing matters almost entirely on the organization. I do think this is easily remedied though. Weave a paragraph at the end that deals with how you're going to apply the lessons you've learned by creating and leading this organization to your law school endeavors.

[IAMGenius]

The dominant strength of this essay is the clarity of thought shown, followed by its genuineness.

This is true and its why the third paragraph is my favorite. It certainly feels like the genuine article, but I still think something's missing by framing matters almost entirely on the organization. I do think this is easily remedied though. Weave a paragraph at the end that deals with how you're going to apply the lessons you've learned by creating and leading this organization to your law school endeavors.

Great idea! I'm going to work that in.

[ShuckingNotJiving]

I agree that the third paragraph is the strongest, when I read it I could visualize that day, that moment, in the classroom; it's all very vivid. It's sincere. Moreover, it's unique to you. The sweeping general statements about your success, and your desire to help mankind may be sincere as well, but understand that they will appear in the personal statements of countless individuals. Perhaps that's something you want to stay away from.

I thought it was a diversity statement, only because issues of race are so central to the essay. However, if that's what has shaped you as a person, then it makes perfect sense for this to work as a personal statement as well.

[MJS83]

The statement is nice but I think could be a bit tighter if you break away from your extensive use of passive voice.


Instead of:
Jane WAS hit by the car

try:

The car hit Jane

That's my 2 cents anyway