Intro: to write a story or not to.... Forum

[Barbie]

I've heard it both ways. I've heard writing a story (or a scene from one) will kill you. I've also heard it will save you. I have noooo idea what to do. For my overcome obstacle personal statement, I originally began with a scene, which I am pasting below. If anyone could tell me whether I should completely scratch this approach, or continue (and obv edit) that would be much appreciated.

I walk into the room and meet dozens of judgmental glares. Squinted eyes trail me

as I weave my way towards a seat in the corner. I know what they are thinking: Why is

she here? I don’t blame them. I don’t look like they do. I’m barely twenty-one, my skin is

bronzed, and my eyes are bright. My hair is still long and plentiful. It’s obvious that I’m new here,

and they aren't sure that I belong. I’m still not sure I belong. At least, I wish that I didn’t.

Someone finally musters the courage to scoot their seat next to mine and ask the

question: “Why are you here?” I tilt my head towards the glass door which reads Moffit

Cancer Center: Neuro-Oncology Department and respond “the same reason you are.”

[holydonkey]

fwiw i like it

[hiromoto45]

You can get your point across quicker and more efficiently without a "story".

[12(b)(6)]

Terrific opening paragraph. It makes me want to read the next.

[Barbie]

You can get your point across quicker and more efficiently without a "story".

How would you recommend? "Hi, I'm Darby, and I had cancer and it changed my entire life"

[Mich33]

I really like that. When I heard scene, I was picturing a personal statement in the form of a script but I think that's a great opening paragraph.

[dominkay]

Dude, this is really really good. And I am usually super critical.

[Barbie]

thanks yall! this is mostly for my diversity/obstacle essay, so I'm trying to keep it interesting since it is going to be atop my regular PS. I don't want it to be extreme, though. Does anyone have any advice in using quotes? --At the end of the statement?-- My prof actually recommended I throw one in there (but, shes a creative writing professor... not a law professor). The only quote I found to be completely relevant (this PS is about how I was a bum ass drunk college student, and barely a real person (not in those words) pre-cancer, and having the life-threatening disease has pushed me into a straight A and straight edge over achiever...) is below.. but it's helen keller... maybe overkill/ lame?? I can't tell... I really like the actual quote though.

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quite. Only through experience of

trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”

-Helen Keller

[nillumin]

I walk into the room and meet dozens of judgmental glares. Squinted eyes trail me

as I weave my way towards a seat in the corner. I know what they are thinking: Why is

she here? I don’t blame them. I don’t look like they do. I’m barely twenty-one, my skin is

bronzed, and my eyes are bright. My hair is still long and plentiful. It’s obvious that I’m new here,

and they aren't sure that I belong. I’m still not sure I belong. At least, I wish that I didn’t.

Someone finally musters the courage to scoot their seat next to mine and ask the

question: “Why are you here?” I tilt my head towards the glass door which reads Moffit

Cancer Center: Neuro-Oncology Department and respond “the same reason you are.”

I like it a lot. I'm sure whoever is reading it will too...and if they don't like it and can't empathize, well then that's not the right school for you anyway....you got me hooked after the first paragraph...just go with you gut and do the story.

[dominkay]

thanks yall! this is mostly for my diversity/obstacle essay, so I'm trying to keep it interesting since it is going to be atop my regular PS. I don't want it to be extreme, though. Does anyone have any advice in using quotes? --At the end of the statement?-- My prof actually recommended I throw one in there (but, shes a creative writing professor... not a law professor). The only quote I found to be completely relevant (this PS is about how I was a bum ass drunk college student, and barely a real person (not in those words) pre-cancer, and having the life-threatening disease has pushed me into a straight A and straight edge over achiever...) is below.. but it's helen keller... maybe overkill/ lame?? I can't tell... I really like the actual quote though.

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quite. Only through experience of

trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”

-Helen Keller

You don't need the quote. I also think this should be your actual PS.

[nillumin]

You don't need the quote. I also think this should be your actual PS.

I agree.

[Barbie]

thanks yall! this is mostly for my diversity/obstacle essay, so I'm trying to keep it interesting since it is going to be atop my regular PS. I don't want it to be extreme, though. Does anyone have any advice in using quotes? --At the end of the statement?-- My prof actually recommended I throw one in there (but, shes a creative writing professor... not a law professor). The only quote I found to be completely relevant (this PS is about how I was a bum ass drunk college student, and barely a real person (not in those words) pre-cancer, and having the life-threatening disease has pushed me into a straight A and straight edge over achiever...) is below.. but it's helen keller... maybe overkill/ lame?? I can't tell... I really like the actual quote though.

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quite. Only through experience of

trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”

-Helen Keller

You don't need the quote. I also think this should be your actual PS.

really? my PS was going to be about my extensive publishing experience (a published book, various short stories, working with newspapers) and how I wish to contribute to law review/journals. You think this would be better and stand alone?

[Pearalegal]

Sorry to go against the trend, but I don't think you should go in this direction. At times, it sounds like a creative writing project from high school, and I think you're taking away from explaining your very impressive struggles. My worry is that nothing in the first paragraph about the other people adds to YOUR story. I'd go with something more like this:

When I first started treatment, I didn't look like I belonged in the Moffit Cancer Center. I was barely twenty-one and walked in with a tan and a full head of thick hair. The waiting room of the Neuro-Oncology Department was full of people who fit the stereotypical description of "cancer patient," much more than I did, but I was there for the same reason they were. I was diagnosed....

Obviously thats in my words, but my point is that I think you need to get to the meat of the story much more quickly. All that bronzed, bright, long and plentiful stuff just gets in the way.

[Barbie]

Sorry to go against the trend, but I don't think you should go in this direction. At times, it sounds like a creative writing project from high school, and I think you're taking away from explaining your very impressive struggles. My worry is that nothing in the first paragraph about the other people adds to YOUR story. I'd go with something more like this:

When I first started treatment, I didn't look like I belonged in the Moffit Cancer Center. I was barely twenty-one and walked in with a tan and a full head of thick hair. The waiting room of the Neuro-Oncology Department was full of people who fit the stereotypical description of "cancer patient," much more than I did, but I was there for the same reason they were. I was diagnosed....

Obviously thats in my words, but my point is that I think you need to get to the meat of the story much more quickly. All that bronzed, bright, long and plentiful stuff just gets in the way.

I thought of this too. But in the PS advice it says "show don't tell" and thats why I was writing the scene.. to show instead of just say what happened. I thought it might be more exciting. But I kind of agree that it could be read as BS fluff...

[Pearalegal]

Sorry to go against the trend, but I don't think you should go in this direction. At times, it sounds like a creative writing project from high school, and I think you're taking away from explaining your very impressive struggles. My worry is that nothing in the first paragraph about the other people adds to YOUR story. I'd go with something more like this:

When I first started treatment, I didn't look like I belonged in the Moffit Cancer Center. I was barely twenty-one and walked in with a tan and a full head of thick hair. The waiting room of the Neuro-Oncology Department was full of people who fit the stereotypical description of "cancer patient," much more than I did, but I was there for the same reason they were. I was diagnosed....

Obviously thats in my words, but my point is that I think you need to get to the meat of the story much more quickly. All that bronzed, bright, long and plentiful stuff just gets in the way.

I thought of this too. But in the PS advice it says "show don't tell" and thats why I was writing the scene.. to show instead of just say what happened. I thought it might be more exciting. But I kind of agree that it could be read as BS fluff...

Its completely up to you, I just think your story will be powerful enough that you can show while telling. If you want to stick with the more creative writing direction, I'd watch language like bronzed and such. For me (and this could be the result of waaaay too many creative writing workshops), it took me out of your narrative and made me roll my eyes a little bit which is silly, because your story is very powerful.

[nillumin]

When I first started treatment, I didn't look like I belonged in the Moffit Cancer Center. I was barely twenty-one and walked in with a tan and a full head of thick hair. The waiting room of the Neuro-Oncology Department was full of people who fit the stereotypical description of "cancer patient," much more than I did, but I was there for the same reason they were. I was diagnosed....
.

I hate to flip-flop...but yea this might work better haha. the other way is still good though too.

[holydonkey]

If you want to stick with the more creative writing direction, I'd watch language like bronzed and such. For me (and this could be the result of waaaay too many creative writing workshops), it took me out of your narrative and made me roll my eyes a little bit which is silly, because your story is very powerful.

This is good advice.

[Barbie]

Sorry to go against the trend, but I don't think you should go in this direction. At times, it sounds like a creative writing project from high school, and I think you're taking away from explaining your very impressive struggles. My worry is that nothing in the first paragraph about the other people adds to YOUR story. I'd go with something more like this:

When I first started treatment, I didn't look like I belonged in the Moffit Cancer Center. I was barely twenty-one and walked in with a tan and a full head of thick hair. The waiting room of the Neuro-Oncology Department was full of people who fit the stereotypical description of "cancer patient," much more than I did, but I was there for the same reason they were. I was diagnosed....

Obviously thats in my words, but my point is that I think you need to get to the meat of the story much more quickly. All that bronzed, bright, long and plentiful stuff just gets in the way.

I thought of this too. But in the PS advice it says "show don't tell" and thats why I was writing the scene.. to show instead of just say what happened. I thought it might be more exciting. But I kind of agree that it could be read as BS fluff...

Its completely up to you, I just think your story will be powerful enough that you can show while telling. If you want to stick with the more creative writing direction, I'd watch language like bronzed and such. For me (and this could be the result of waaaay too many creative writing workshops), it took me out of your narrative and made me roll my eyes a little bit which is silly, because your story is very powerful.

I agree. It's still a rough rough draft, so terminology will change. It's just a debate on approach. I want a powerful intro. After that intro, i nthe rest of the PS, it is very "tell" rather than show, so I guess I just wanted a little spice at the beginning.

[Pearalegal]

I agree. It's still a rough rough draft, so terminology will change. It's just a debate on approach. I want a powerful intro. After that intro, i nthe rest of the PS, it is very "tell" rather than show, so I guess I just wanted a little spice at the beginning.

I think with your story, you don't need to worry about the intro being powerful. The subject matter will stand on its own. Good luck! Be careful, sometimes when you switch styles after the intro the style comes off predicable.

If I were you, I'd just nail an opening sentence or two with BOOM topic, and blend story-telling and just telling for the rest of the piece.

[dominkay]

thanks yall! this is mostly for my diversity/obstacle essay, so I'm trying to keep it interesting since it is going to be atop my regular PS. I don't want it to be extreme, though. Does anyone have any advice in using quotes? --At the end of the statement?-- My prof actually recommended I throw one in there (but, shes a creative writing professor... not a law professor). The only quote I found to be completely relevant (this PS is about how I was a bum ass drunk college student, and barely a real person (not in those words) pre-cancer, and having the life-threatening disease has pushed me into a straight A and straight edge over achiever...) is below.. but it's helen keller... maybe overkill/ lame?? I can't tell... I really like the actual quote though.

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quite. Only through experience of

trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”

-Helen Keller

You don't need the quote. I also think this should be your actual PS.

really? my PS was going to be about my extensive publishing experience (a published book, various short stories, working with newspapers) and how I wish to contribute to law review/journals. You think this would be better and stand alone?

Isn't your personal statement supposed to be personal? Do you really think it's better to restate your resume? Aren't you NOT supposed to do that? I mean, if you wanted, it could be both: "I had cancer and then I published a book."

I completely and totally disagree with the person who says you should do more telling and less showing. Maybe if this was a grade addendum, but personal statements are not supposed to be dry. And I think the intro should ALWAYS be compelling.

[Barbie]

thanks yall! this is mostly for my diversity/obstacle essay, so I'm trying to keep it interesting since it is going to be atop my regular PS. I don't want it to be extreme, though. Does anyone have any advice in using quotes? --At the end of the statement?-- My prof actually recommended I throw one in there (but, shes a creative writing professor... not a law professor). The only quote I found to be completely relevant (this PS is about how I was a bum ass drunk college student, and barely a real person (not in those words) pre-cancer, and having the life-threatening disease has pushed me into a straight A and straight edge over achiever...) is below.. but it's helen keller... maybe overkill/ lame?? I can't tell... I really like the actual quote though.

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quite. Only through experience of

trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”

-Helen Keller

You don't need the quote. I also think this should be your actual PS.

really? my PS was going to be about my extensive publishing experience (a published book, various short stories, working with newspapers) and how I wish to contribute to law review/journals. You think this would be better and stand alone?

Isn't your personal statement supposed to be personal? Do you really think it's better to restate your resume? Aren't you NOT supposed to do that? I mean, if you wanted, it could be both: "I had cancer and then I published a book."

I completely and totally disagree with the person who says you should do more telling and less showing. Maybe if this was a grade addendum, but personal statements are not supposed to be dry. And I think the intro should ALWAYS be compelling.

The publishing stuff isn't really a big part of my resume at all, but I see what you are saying. I just worry that the current one wont show any contributions I would make to the LS. It does show growth, etc, but not anything specifically revelant to me becoming a student at XX law shcool.

[Pearalegal]

I completely and totally disagree with the person who says you should do more telling and less showing. Maybe if this was a grade addendum, but personal statements are not supposed to be dry. And I think the intro should ALWAYS be compelling.

A major mistake would be assuming a personal statement that tells a bulk of the story comes off dry and not compelling. This isn't directed at the OP, but the worst PS are always the ones who try to be interesting and compelling by showing way too much, using subpar creative writing skills.

OP has two pages to TELL a story about overcoming an incredibly important and detailed struggle. To rely heavily on "showing" a story like that to its potential with such strict word limits would take superhuman writing ability.

However, don't worry about talking about what specific skills you can contribute to law school. Just show that your maturity and experiences would make you a great 1L and addition to the student body.

[esq]

I wrote a narrative styled beginning thinking that it would be a good way to draw a reader into a particular moment in time. Two of my proof readers (both graduates from Columbia Law - my history professor and her husband, a law professor) hated it. They thought that the approach was overly lyrical, and that a matter of fact approach would be more concise, make a tighter argument, and would be better suited for law school. I'm glad I took their advice, my PS reads very clearly now.

[billyez]

I wrote a narrative styled beginning thinking that it would be a good way to draw a reader into a particular moment in time. Two of my proof readers (both graduates from Columbia Law - my history professor and her husband, a law professor) hated it. They thought that the approach was overly lyrical, and that a matter of fact approach would be more concise, make a tighter argument, and would be better suited for law school. I'm glad I took their advice, my PS reads very clearly now.

Exact opposite, here. I had a narrative structure for my beginning and it worked fine. Honestly, it's rather difficult to make a judgment without the entire PS - with it, we could tell whether a narrative structure is well-suited to the subject discussed or more of a hindrance. I liked the introduction, personally. I think it successfully conveyed a sense of anxiety and disorientation. We can argue about some of the language ("bronzed" and such) but I like the approach.

[Pearalegal]

I wrote a narrative styled beginning thinking that it would be a good way to draw a reader into a particular moment in time. Two of my proof readers (both graduates from Columbia Law - my history professor and her husband, a law professor) hated it. They thought that the approach was overly lyrical, and that a matter of fact approach would be more concise, make a tighter argument, and would be better suited for law school. I'm glad I took their advice, my PS reads very clearly now.

Exact opposite, here. I had a narrative structure for my beginning and it worked fine. Honestly, it's rather difficult to make a judgment without the entire PS - with it, we could tell whether a narrative structure is well-suited to the subject discussed or more of a hindrance. I liked the introduction, personally. I think it successfully conveyed a sense of anxiety and disorientation. We can argue about some of the language ("bronzed" and such) but I like the approach.

This is probably spot on. It comes down to writing ability and the overall statement. No way to really judge without seeing a full draft.

However, I still say to keep the intro shorter no matter what you do. Space is of the essence.