PS rough draft (Revised, again) Forum

[m dot m]

Edit - ANOTHER Revised version is posted in separate reply below

Finished the rough draft. No idea if it's worth reworking or if it should be scrapped all together. Like most of us, I have little experience with a PS. This is definitely just a draft, so any feedback on the full length rough draft will be greatly appreciated. Thanks again to those that commented on the first paragraph.


This is it. This is what I have prepared for. Time for one last run through before the bell rings. Name written on the board? Check. Attendance sheets out? Check. Lesson plans committed to memory? Check. I’m ready to go. Or so I thought. The bell rings and throngs of students stream into the classroom. None of them look like me, dresses like me, and some don’t even speak the same language. Before I can even introduce myself, it happens. Boom! A crash just inside the doorway is followed by a string of expletives. I look up to see a boy I later would know as Andre hovering over another boy, begging him to stand up so he could throw him down again. It was in that moment that I realized teaching was going to be the biggest challenge of my life. What I didn’t realize until much later was that students like Andre would inspire me to become a lawyer.
After physically breaking up the fight between two twelve-year-olds, some on-the-spot conflict resolution to calm everyone down, and a pass for Andre to the assistant principal’s office, my initiation into teaching in the heart of Long Beach, California had begun. Like many new teachers, I came into the profession with dreams of saving the world one child at a time. Before long, it was obvious that I can’t be a super hero to every student that walks through my door, nor do they need me to be. With every passing day, each new semester, and group of students I realized that it was becoming harder and harder to justify stressing the importance of world geography to kids, like Andre, who never knew whether his mom would be home that night. After a number of detentions, and subsequent conversations about life outside of school with Andre that first year, I became painfully aware of how inadequately prepared I was to help him. It wasn’t tutoring or a role model that he needed to succeed; it was someone that could force his absent father to send child support on a consistent basis. This pained me because those “at risk” students, as he was labeled by the school, were the reason I went into teaching.
Dismayed as I was at first, I have worked hard to help my students reach their fullest potential to the best of my abilities. I have organized field trips, brought in guest speakers, tutored, coached soccer, and even changed the way I speak at times to help my students succeed. Never did I think that I would be listening to rap songs as a form of foreign language instruction on my weekends so that I could use the vernacular of my students to better explain complicated material. I never imagined myself taking private lessons in Khmer in order to communicate in parent-teacher conferences. Yet I’ve quoted Tupac during civics class and asked parents “khnyohm sohk sabai?” when we met. Teaching hasn’t been easy or what I expected, far from it in fact, but, along with coaching, it has been a worthwhile learning experience and preparation for a career in law.
Aside from learning to break down complicated material for those unfamiliar with it, teaching social studies has also taught me how to speak in front of a group that is looking at you to explain how and why something happened. Also, my time as a coach has honed my ability to analyze an opponent and develop a tactical plan to defeat that opponent. It has taught me to plan for every possible scenario and make adjustments on the fly. By being a teacher and a coach, I have quite simply learned how to be a leader.
I’m not done learning though, and I probably never will be. I look at the externship program at xxxxx and I see another opportunity to learn by doing, similar to my student-teaching experience while studying for my credential. I look forward to the chance to work with and for professionals in the field while still in school honing my skills. I also look forward to the possibility of the many clinics at xxxxx as well, especially the xxxxxxxxxx. This will allow me to give people the help they need, but can’t afford.
From the time I was merely a student-teacher, I have spent my career doing what I can to help the students that walk into my class, but it’s just not enough anymore. I wasn’t able to help Andre in the way he needed. Andre followed in the footsteps of his older brother into one of the local Crip gangs and then into a grave shortly after. I know that Andre didn’t need a super hero, but he did need more than a caring teacher that tried to motivate him in the sixth grade. I also know that an education at xxxxxx will allow me to provide the help those students like Andre truly needed.

[IzziesGal]

I don't know what others will say, but this is one of the first opening paragraphs that has kept my interest in a long time. I really liked it - super engaging. I would keep the sentence in parenthesis, but once you have more written, it might make sense to work that in to a different section. I think you're off to a great start!

[CanadianWolf]

Very energetic opening paragraph. You need to write the entire essay before any reasonably valid criticism can be offered. Your first paragraph can be good or bad depending upon where the writing takes the reader. I think that the sentence enclosed by parentheses is essential if this writing is to share why you want to attend law school & become a lawyer.

[m dot m]

Good point about just posting the whole thing. Will finish a full rough draft and repost. Thank you for the feedback so far.

[Scott4LLM]

Good start.
Do skip mentioning your grammar-correcting passion (not least because it will create an incredibly high standard for grammatical excellence in your essay).

[m dot m]

full draft now posted. pleeeeeeease comment/help. Anyone that wants a set of eyes on their draft I can at least help with grammar.

[billyez]

I really enjoyed this. I want to say that before anything else. I think it's a good PS as it is. The way you slowly do multiple things at once - introduce us to your experience in a entertaining manner, link your development as a person to that experience, build more details into that experience, etc. - demonstrates that you' really know what you're doing here. I felt like the "superhero" tie-in at the beginning and end was nice as well. Now that I've gotten that out of the way, I can raz on a few things:

I don't like the throwaway lines about being a coach and "analysis of opponents"...all that jazz just takes away focus from the real story. You already have enough to focus on in regards to what you did as a teacher. Spend those sentences utterly focused or attemtpting to further develop the story that you're fleshing out regarding Andre.

While I was reading the first three paragraphs I was entirely engaged in your story. l was interested in what you had to say - heck, I liked you after reading them. But after that, it just seems to peter out to me. What I feel is the biggest fault is the end. The revelation about Andre not becoming a model student and joining a gang should have a lot more punch than it does. Right now, it feels like a footnote - it's clearly a rushed ending.

Also, you state that you know an education at [insert here] School of Law would provide you with the education you need to help kids like Andre...but you don't say how it would. There's so much here that could make this great and its clear you can do that. I just feel like there's a clear point after the first three paragraphs where you switch into a mode of saying what the school will provide for you...which isn't a problem. The problem is that you speak more about that than what you're going to do with what they provide. There's only one sentence ("This will allow me to give people the help they need, but can't afford") that directly goes to what you're going to do - and even then, its kind of vague and not very clearly defined.

Your sentences also developed a much more predictable approach near the end..."I look at...", "I look forward to", "I also look forward to"...mix it up in the fourth paragraph there.

[m dot m]

Thank you so much for the advice and for pointing me in the right direction on this thing. I will rework this with your views in mind.

[m dot m]

After heeding billyez's advice, I revised this for the first time. Hopefully, it's a better version than the draft printed above. Any further advice or feedback would be great. Again, if anyone wants my attempt at help just let me know. I'm a certified English teacher, so I should at least be able to help with grammar.


This is it. This is what I have prepared for. Time for one last run through before the bell rings. Name written on the board? Check. Attendance sheets out? Check. Lesson plans committed to memory? Check. I’m ready to go. Or so I thought. The bell rings and throngs of students stream into the classroom. None of them look like me, dresses like me, and some don’t even speak the same language. Before I can even introduce myself, it happens. Boom! A crash just inside the doorway is followed by a string of expletives. I look up to see a boy I later would know as Andre hovering over another boy, begging him to stand up so he could throw him down again. It was in that moment that I realized teaching was going to be the biggest challenge of my life. What I didn’t realize until much later was that students like Andre would inspire me to become a lawyer.
After physically breaking up the fight between two twelve-year-olds, some on-the-spot conflict resolution to calm everyone down, and a pass for Andre to the assistant principal’s office, my initiation into teaching in the heart of Long Beach, California had begun. Like many new teachers, I came into the profession with dreams of saving the world one child at a time. Before long, it was obvious that I can’t be a super hero to every student that walks through my door, nor do they need me to be. With every passing day, each new semester, and group of students I realized that it was becoming harder and harder to justify stressing the importance of world geography to kids, like Andre, who never knew whether his mom would be home that night. After a number of detentions, and subsequent conversations about life outside of school with Andre that first year, I became painfully aware of how inadequately prepared I was to help him. It wasn’t tutoring or a role model that he needed to succeed; it was someone that could force his absent father to send child support on a consistent basis. This pained me because those “at risk” students, as he was labeled by the school, were the reason I went into teaching.
Dismayed as I was at first, I have worked hard to help my students reach their fullest potential to the best of my abilities. I have organized field trips, brought in guest speakers, tutored, coached soccer, and even changed the way I speak at times to help my students succeed. Never did I think that I would be listening to rap songs as a form of foreign language instruction on my weekends so that I could use the vernacular of my students to better explain complicated material. I never imagined myself taking private lessons in Khmer in order to communicate in parent-teacher conferences. Yet I’ve quoted Tupac during civics class and asked parents “khnyohm sohk sabai?” when we met. Teaching hasn’t been easy or what I expected, far from it in fact, but it’s been a worthwhile learning experience and preparation for a career in law.
My experiences in the classroom showed me that at 23 I had been through less than they had at 13. I grew up being loved by parents that attended nearly every event I took part in. They have grown up taking care of parents that aren’t fit to take care of themselves, let alone a child. Andre was the quintessential student in this sense. He never knew his father, and his mother spent her time in bed or out looking for a fix, depending on her mood. So Andre went home every night being looked after by his older brother who he revered and emulated in every way. All the while, his Grandmother pleaded with anyone who would listen, including me, that Andre and his brother should live with her, but she didn’t know how to make it happen. Unfortunately, neither did I.
A couple of years later, I found out that Andre had been shot while trying to help his brother out in a fight with some rival gang members. He was not longer a student of mine, or even attending the same school, but it hurt me to find out what happened to him. Not because Andre was a promising student with a bright future, but because the ending to his story has become far too familiar to me. If I were an attorney, maybe I could have helped Andre and his Grandmother in a more meaningful way by fighting to help her gain custody of Andre and taking him out of the environment that I believe was his downfall. Or maybe there wasn’t anything I could do. Regardless, it’s time to stop wishing I could do something more to and do something about it.
From the time I was merely a student-teacher, I have spent my career doing what I can to help the students that walk into my class, but it’s just not enough anymore. I wasn’t able to help Andre in the way he needed. Andre didn’t need a super hero, but he did need more than a caring teacher that tried to motivate him in the sixth grade. He didn’t need someone fighting to teach him about Mesopotamia, he needed someone to fight to give his Grandmother custody of him. I know that an education at xxxxxx will allow me to provide the help that students like Andre truly needed by preparing me for a career in public interest and family law. A law degree will allow me to work with people like Andre’s Grandmother to obtain custody of children that would be better off with them. I could even help out someone like Andre’s mother by helping her to collect child support from Andre’s father. I look forward to obtaining the skills necessary to provide this kind of help at xxxxxx, through programs like the externship opportunities and clinical work that are offered. I finally have the chance to start making the kind of difference that led me into the classroom that first day, where I met Andre.

[billyez]

That's essentially exactly what I was advocating for. Now, the story seems to flow a lot nicer. You use your experience with Andre to illuminate not just your reasons for pursuing your law but what you want to do with you're law degree. I think its excellent now.

I'm rather flattered that you thought my advice was worth heeding. I just want to note that this is only one opinion on the matter and you should of course check with others. But to me, this PS comes off as well-crafted, tightly written, and effective. Well done, but keep on with the fine-tuning.

[ShuckingNotJiving]

First and foremost, let me just say, I too am a teacher. And, I'm sorry, but I didn't like this at all. Your tone towards Andre and his family is at times unbearably condescending. Also, instead of painting the portrait of an impoverished youth who is falling through the cracks due to an sub-par legal system (which I think is what you were trying to do) you paint a better portrait of who you might be: a privileged individual who managed to work for several years with a population of students, and still learn nothing about them, besides the hackneyed portrayals anyone who has seen "Stand and Deliver" or "Freedom Writers" already knows. For your next draft I suggest you describe Andre and his family in a way that makes him seem like a child, a human being, rather than the "quintessential student," (whatever that meant). You spent an entire year with this kid! I'm sure he had quirks, interests, fears, aspirations. THAT will make you seem more genuine as a teacher, which will also make your desire to practice public interest and family law seem more genuine. If I'm being too opaque here, feel free to message me, and I'll better explain. I inserted the comments, not to be cheeky, but because such questions and comments are begged when reading your draft.

This is it. This is what I have prepared for. Time for one last run through before the bell rings. Name written on the board? Check. Attendance sheets out? Check. Lesson plans committed to memory? Check. I’m ready to go. Or so I thought. The bell rings and throngs of students stream into the classroom. None of them look like me, dresses like me, and some don’t even speak the same language. Why is this a relevant detail? Did this make you feel uncomfortable? Should the reader feel uncomfortable in your situation? What teacher dresses like his/her students? Can you find a more mature way to explain that your students were of a different culture/ race? Perhaps, by just saying "my students were different than me culturally and racially?" Before I can even introduce myself, it happens. Boom! Please don't include onomatopoeias in your essay for law school.A crash just inside the doorway is followed by a string of expletives. I look up to see a boy I later would know as Andre hovering over another boy, begging him to stand up so he could throw him down again. It was in that moment that I realized teaching was going to be the biggest challenge of my life. What I didn’t realize until much later was that students like Andre would inspire me to become a lawyer. I would describe Andre physically here. That way, you're showing what one of your students looked like, instead of stating "none of them look like me" as you painfully mentioned before.
After physically breaking up the fight between two twelve-year-olds, some on-the-spot conflict resolution to calm everyone down, and a pass for Andre to the assistant principal’s office, my initiation into teaching in the heart of Long Beach, California had begun. Like many new teachers, I came into the profession with dreams of saving the world one child at a time. Before long, it was obvious that I can’t be a super hero to every student that walks through my door, nor do they need me to be. With every passing day, each new semester, and group of students I realized that it was becoming harder and harder to justify stressing the importance of world geography to kids, like Andre, who never knew whether his mom would be home that night.What?? Why? That is a gross exaggeration. Andre may have not known if his mother would be home that night, but perhaps you should focus on Andre instead of just generalizing "kids like Andre." Again, this statement screams of privilege. After a number of detentions, and subsequent conversations about life outside of school with Andre that first year, I became painfully aware of how inadequately prepared I was to help him. It wasn’t tutoring or a role model that he needed to succeed; Wait, he didn't need tutoring or a role model? He just needed $$?it was someone that could force his absent father to send child support on a consistent basis. This pained me because those “at risk” students, as he was labeled by the school, were the reason I went into teaching.
Dismayed as I was at first, I have worked hard to help my students reach their fullest potential to the best of my abilities. I have organized field trips, brought in guest speakers, tutored, coached soccer, and even changed the way I speak at times to help my students succeed.I would mention how hard it is to do such things at low-income schools, and how you persisted regardless of the barriers. You should mention this. It shows your dedication. Never did I think that I would be listening to rap songs as a form of foreign language instruction on my weekends so that I could use the vernacular of my students to better explain complicated material.Again, this reeks of privilege. And I'm not understanding how rap constitutes a foreign language. Unless you're a part of the camp that advocated making Ebonics an official US language, which, again would show your privilege. I never imagined myself taking private lessons in Khmer in order to communicate in parent-teacher conferences. Yet I’ve quoted Tupac during civics class and asked parents “khnyohm sohk sabai?” when we met. Teaching hasn’t been easy or what I expected, far from it in fact, but it’s been a worthwhile learning experience and preparation for a career in law.
My experiences in the classroom showed me that at 23 I had been through less than they had at 13. I grew up being loved by parents that attended nearly every event I took part in. Again, with the privilege. You're making a generalization. I'm sure many of your students' parents loved them. They just didn't always have the resources to show it in the way you seem to see fit. I would take that out. They have grown up taking care of parents that aren’t fit to take care of themselves, let alone a child. Andre was the quintessential student in this sense. He never knew his father, and his mother spent her time in bed or out looking for a fix, depending on her mood.You're stereotyping here. I cant imagine that being something law schools want to see. Moreover, it's histrionic. You're writing about why you'd be a good candidate for law school, not why Andre's mother is an unfit parent. So Andre went home every night being looked after by his older brother who he revered and emulated in every way. All the while, his Grandmother pleaded with anyone who would listen, including me, that Andre and his brother should live with her, but she didn’t know how to make it happen. Who are these nameless family members? I don't care about them, because, quite frankly, it doesn't seem like you do either. Unfortunately, neither did I.
A couple of years later, I found out that Andre had been shot while trying to help his brother out in a fight with some rival gang members. He was not longer a student of mine, or even attending the same school, but it hurt me to find out what happened to him. Not because Andre was a promising student with a bright future, but because the ending to his story has become far too familiar to me. If I were an attorney, maybe I could have helped Andre and his Grandmother in a more meaningful way by fighting to help her gain custody of Andre and taking him out of the environment that I believe was his downfall. Or maybe there wasn’t anything I could do.Umm, I would pick one. Either you could or you couldn't. I don't think now is the time for indecisiveness. Regardless, it’s time to stop wishing I could do something more to and do something about it.
From the time I was merely a student-teacher, I have spent my career doing what I can to help the students that walk into my class, but it’s just not enough anymore. I wasn’t able to help Andre in the way he needed. Andre didn’t need a super hero, but he did need more than a caring teacher that tried to motivate him in the sixth grade. He didn’t need someone fighting to teach him about Mesopotamia, he needed someone to fight to give his Grandmother custody of him. I know that an education at xxxxxx will allow me to provide the help that students like Andre truly needed by preparing me for a career in public interest and family law. A law degree will allow me to work with people like Andre’s Grandmother to obtain custody of children that would be better off with them. I could even help out someone like Andre’s mother by helping her to collect child support from Andre’s father. I look forward to obtaining the skills necessary to provide this kind of help at xxxxxx, through programs like the externship opportunities and clinical work that are offered. I finally have the chance to start making the kind of difference that led me into the classroom that first day, where I met Andre.You're focusing your entire essay on this child, and I don't know much about him, but his name, his propensity for violence and that he is twelve. Who is Andre????[/quote]

[billyez]

I disagree. I didn't feel like he was being condescending; in fact, I genuinely got the feeling that he wanted to help these kids. But hey, this guy actually is a teacher, so...

The one thing I have to say I wouldn't change is this:

Perhaps, by just saying "my students were different than me culturally and racially?"

This is such a dry, un-interesting way of stating your point. I much rather prefer the description that you have right now to it.

[chymali]

First, I think it's "None of them look like me, dress like me", not dresses. I don't know why because grammar is not my department, but if it's "dresses", shouldn't it be "looks" in order to get the verb-agreement right?

Second, I really liked it! It's very engaging and I didn't skip through the entire thing. It was good, but like ShuckingNotJiving mentioned, it would do some good to describe Andre a little bit more. I think you could have developed your relationship with Andre a bit more and it would make your last paragraph so much stronger. You talk about how you want to change, which is great, but you also mention how Andre inspired this, yet readers don't really get an insight into how this relationship worked.

That's just my two cents, but otherwise, it's a VERY well written essay. Good luck!

[m dot m]

Thank you so much for the feedback. I do appreciate the multiple opinions. I have another version here that I worked on I think shuckingnotjiving would rather have seen in the first place. If anyone could let me know if it's an improvement on the last one that would be great. My other concern is going to be how to cut this down from 3 to 2 pages for a few schools.




This is it. This is what I have prepared for. Time for one last run through before the bell rings. Name written on the board? Check. Attendance sheets out? Check. Lesson plans committed to memory? Check. I’m ready to go. Or so I thought. The bell rings and throngs of students stream into the classroom. Before I can even introduce myself, it happens. A crash just inside the doorway is followed by a string of expletives. I look up to see a boy I would later know as Andre hovering over another boy, begging him to stand up so he could throw him down again. It was in that moment that I realized teaching was going to be the biggest challenge of my life. What I didn’t realize until much later was that students like Andre would inspire me to become a lawyer.
Over the course of that first school year in Long Beach, California, and more than a handful of detentions later, I came to know that scrawny kid I first met in my doorway. He was still growing into his lanky body, and, despite his claims and outward appearance, was still very much a boy. In mere seconds, he would breathlessly brag to me, in a voice already nearing my own pitch, about how he wore the same shoe size as his older brother and how he was sure he could beat me at just about anything. He challenged me to races, arm wrestling contests, and even rap battles. He was leery of me when I told him that I didn’t skateboard, loved soccer and hadn’t been in a fight, but opened up after an in-depth discussion about his favorite basketball team, The Lakers. During these exchanges, I also learned about life outside of school for Andre. It was through these conversations that I became painfully aware of how inadequately prepared I was to help him. Although I could provide tutoring and serve as a role model, Andre also needed someone that could help him improve the 17 hours he spent outside of school. This pained me because, like many new teachers, I came into the profession with dreams of saving the world one child at a time.
Before long, it was obvious that I can’t be a super hero to every student that walks through my door, nor do they need me to be. What Andre needed was someone that could help provide a more stable home environment His father was long gone and his mother, Nicole, spent most of her time “out,” as Andre put it. So Andre went home after school being looked after by his older brother, Marcus, who Andre modeled both his style and actions after. Marcus, though, was only himself in eighth grade, and spent more time in On Camus Suspension than in class. All the while, their Grandmother, Shawna, who represented Andre at parent teacher conferences, felt like her home was instead that stable environment Andre needed. She explained to me she wanted Andre and his brother to live with her on the other side of Long Beach, but didn’t know how to make it happen. Like any Grandmother, she wanted the best for her grandchildren, and she felt like if the boys could be removed, albeit slightly, from their current environment then they would be able to prosper. Unfortunately, I couldn’t help her, or even lead her to someone that could.
Dismayed as I was that first year, I have continued to work hard to help my students reach their fullest potential to the best of my abilities. Over the last three years I have organized field trips to the Port of Long Beach, reached out to community leaders and brought them in as guest speakers, tutored, and coached soccer. None of these things were easy, especially during a time when school districts, especially those in low-income areas, have such a limited budget. However, I took it upon myself to provide learning experiences that could be done at no cost to the district or the students, save a ride to the port. Teaching hasn’t been easy or what I expected, far from it in fact, but it’s been a worthwhile learning experience and has led me believe my talents are better afforded in the legal profession.
A couple of years later, I found out that Andre had been shot in the stomach while trying to help Marcus out in a fight at the neighborhood park. He was no longer a student of mine, or even attending the same school, but it hurt me to find out what happened to him. Not because Andre was such a promising student with a bright future, but because the ending to his story has become far too familiar to me. If I were an attorney, I could have helped Andre and his Grandmother in a more meaningful way by fighting to help her gain custody of him and Marcus, and taking them out of the environment that I believe was the source of Andre’s downfall.
From the time I was merely a student-teacher, I have spent my career doing everything possible to help the students that walk into my class, but I know with a law degree I can help even more. Although I helped Andre with his academics, I wasn’t able to help him in all the ways he needed. Andre didn’t need a super hero, but he did need more than a caring teacher in the sixth grade. I fought to teach him about Mesopotamia, but he also needed someone fighting to give his Grandmother custody of him. I know that an education at xxxxxx will allow me to provide the additional help that Andre needed by preparing me for a career in public interest and family law. A law degree will allow me to work with someone like Shawna to obtain custody of children that would be better off with them. It’s important to me to learn how to provide this kind of help at a school that emphasizes public interest. XXXX has impressed me as such a school, as evidenced by its strong clinical program and externship opportunities. I look forward to better using my talents making a anothert kind of difference than in the classroom, where I first met Andre.

[chymali]

I like it so much more now.

[billyez]

I like it so much more now.

[m dot m]

Thank you once again to everyone that provided feedback and advice on how to improve this. With your help I think my work has definitely improved from the first go around. You all are great!