not cohesive/ aviation analogy too much of a stretch? Forum

[yeltsin]

i know what i am trying to convey, but i have looked at this so many times i cant tell if flows well enough anymore, or if it is just simply too boring. i try to relate flying to being a lawyer; will the adcoms just chuckle at this? i have a thick skin, but thin on time so dont hold back. thank you

The forecast had called for a cold but calm afternoon, for the more severe winter weather was not expected to arrive until nightfall. Therefore I was surprised to be staring at a dark and troubled sky within hours of that optimistic outlook. Normally I would just seek security in my own home but there was a dilemma; I was several thousand feet above the ground flying solo in a small plane. As a young pilot, my experience was limited but I knew two things: those clouds contained freezing rain, and popsicles can’t fly. The alternatives were bleak; continuing on course risked flying into an ice storm and turning back entailed exceeding fuel endurance. This predicament demanded my full capacity for risk assessment and critical decision-making, for both options risked catastrophe.
If there is one concept I have embraced most from aviation, it is the significance of making incisive decisions and the responsibility of living with their cost. Pilots live and die by their judgment, as illustrated by the old aviation adage, “there are good pilots and then there are dead pilots”. When I started flying, this ultimate level of accountability began to influence the way I perceived other things in life, forcing me to view my decisions not as a luxury but as a responsibility to myself and those who would be affected by them. Just like engine failures and electrical fires are part of aviation, an alcoholic mother and absent father can be a part of life. I am not unique in this respect, life is tough and everyone has problems. I have learned however that neither in-flight emergencies nor personal trials are times for self-loathing, but rather for one’s finest performance and decision-making, for in all encounters with adversity the outcome depends on how the individual confronts it.
On the surface, aviation and law seem to have little overlap; making the news as an attorney is usually a good thing while making the news as a pilot usually means you crashed. However, after gaining a more intimate experience with the justice system I recognized the monumental responsibility bestowed on those who wield the power of law. My cousin faced an uphill battle when a drama teacher molested him at age twelve. The teacher assumed my cousin would expose him, thus fabricating his own story to discredit the twelve-year-old. This pitted the word of a respected teacher against that of a troubled pre-teen; who could not even recount the event without shaking. With the administration against him, my cousin had to put all trust and hope in a lawyer. The lawyer’s decisions carried the burden of not only my cousin’s well being, but of finding justice for the teacher’s prior victims who were too traumatized to pursue prosecution, as well as preventing future victims. One guilty conviction and a fifteen-year-sentence later, the lawyer had fulfilled these responsibilities with life-improving consequences for my cousin and our whole family.
The ability to exercise sound judgment should be used to help those who do not have this ability, as I know from first-hand experience that there are many who do not posses this blessing. After graduating, I began working as a live-in with Carl, an Alzheimer’s patient whom I had met while working at the Pepperdine gym. A man who was a world-renowned artist and had once began a successful design corporation now needed my help putting his shoes on the right feet. How could he manage protecting his business and livelihood? Once again, I witnessed the powerful exchange of trust for responsibility between a lawyer and client.
Even able-minded people can be helpless when it comes to making decisions that are beyond their ability to make wisely. As a member of the Choctaw tribe with most of my family employed by the Choctaw Nation, I realize my community is in need of conscientious decision-makers. The Choctaw community has been permeable to every problem in society, which is amplified by poverty and alcoholism. While I am very proud of the initiatives and programs put forth by my tribe to help its own people, I would personally like to see greater access to competent legal counsel, and hope to fulfill this role with my law degree.
I will continue to view life through the lens of a pilot. My cousin and the Choctaw people have all been passengers on a plane they did not know how to fly. As the pilots, their lawyers were charged with the great task of landing them safely at their desired destination regardless of challenges or bad weather. Failing to achieve this would have had negative consequences on life, just as it would in aviation. The great responsibility and use of critical decision making is what attracted me to flying. Recognizing that I can apply the same skill set to serve a purpose higher than myself is now what calls me to pursue law.

[onthecusp]

My personal opinion on this is that you are trying too hard to relate this to law. I don't think it's a good idea to force it. Your PS is all over the place. You start off with an interesting story regarding life or death, tell us how you don't think it relates that much to law, tell us a story about your cousin and a child molestation case, than you move on to Alzheimers, and a member of the Choctaw tribe. I really think you should focus on one of these things and tell a good story. The most interesting is the life or death situation you outlined in the beginning. Don't worry so much about how Aviation and Law are not directly interrelated; they don't have to be. Tell the story, conclude with how it changed you as a person, and how that change translates to success in law school. Do this and you'll be fine.

[CardinalRules]

My personal opinion on this is that you are trying too hard to relate this to law. I don't think it's a good idea to force it. Your PS is all over the place. You start off with an interesting story regarding life or death, tell us how you don't think it relates that much to law, tell us a story about your cousin and a child molestation case, than you move on to Alzheimers, and a member of the Choctaw tribe. I really think you should focus on one of these things and tell a good story. The most interesting is the life or death situation you outlined in the beginning. Don't worry so much about how Aviation and Law are not directly interrelated; they don't have to be. Tell the story, conclude with how it changed you as a person, and how that change translates to success in law school. Do this and you'll be fine.

+1. A PS doesn't have to be explicitly "why law," and the non-law-related part of the PS is what grabs the most attention, imo.

[jazzluvr]

No comment on the analogy but my advice in general: remove most of the four+-letter words. Readability is low. Simplify. Use "so" instead of "therefore," etc.

(former professional writer)