Final Draft....Hopefully Forum

[onthecusp]

I pulled a lot of the flowery sentences and finally feel like I have something that could work. Please offer any feedback, negative or positive. Tanicius, you're the man.

PERSONAL STATEMENT

I grew up the illegitimate child of juvenile delinquents. My purpose in childhood, extending into adolescence, was to become the antithesis of my father. Where my father’s name would incite disdain, mine would summon admiration. If I were to survive childhood with no positive male figure in my life to model myself after, than I would become my own role model, using my father’s bad example as a rudimentary outline of things to avoid.

At fifteen, I started a neighborhood bible study, knowing nothing of the bible on my own. Why the Bible? It was that one mysterious place where everything was perfect; where guidance was abundant, through supernatural channels to shape me into something resembling a good man. My first Bible study took place on a Friday night consisting of 10 friends from high school. The next week, their parents joined. It became the case in ensuing weeks, every Friday night I would prepare for 50+ teenagers and parents, all squeezing into our living room to hear me deliver a one hour speech.

My Bible Studies attracted attention from youth leaders in my high school, eventually inciting an invitation to their ministry. Enthusiastically I accepted their invitation, eager to meet likeminded individuals. Before long, I was promoted into leadership, charged with leading the Teen Ministry. Upon graduating, I was asked to leave the teen ministry and join the campus ministry where I would lead a small group consisting of members of local colleges in Southern California. To commemorate my advancement through the ministry, I was afforded the opportunity to tell my life testimony at an evangelistic event held at the Rose Bowl with an expected attendance of 15,000+ church members. They would hear me regale them of the hardships of overcoming, living with one purpose, and seeking truth, no matter how difficult or uncomfortable that path might become. Only 5 weeks later, I was given the opportunity to live up to my words.

During a mid week service, upon reporting that one of my members did not have their tithe for the week, I was instructed to “make sure they have it by Sunday, or make sure they bring double next week.” Appalled at the absurdity of the instruction, I defiantly objected, refusing to be a tax collector for the church; it was not my business whether or not they tithed every week. I was pulled aside by one of the church big wigs after service and invited to his home for “a talk”.

He handed me an ultimatum; either I would humble myself, or I would continue in my rebelliousness resulting in my expulsion from the Church. I was not intimidated, openly challenging his authority to expel me for disobeying non biblical orders. For me, this was more than a domestic spat among church leaders; this was an unfair, direct attack on a reputation I had worked so hard to build in my youth. Only weeks after being afforded the opportunity to speak at the Rose Bowl, I was being threatened with permanent separation from the ministry. I decided to leave on my own accord. I would later come to find out in subsequent years that the leaders of that Church would be exposed for embezzling money. As a result, the Church split into two separate ministries, only one of which is still in existence today.

I was 18 when I stopped trying to be my own role model, moving instead to reconcile who I am. Desiring to leave in the most literal sense, I took all of my belongings, packed them into my Nissan Sentra, and drove across the country settling in Ohio where I would spend two years processing my life. My life has served as an attempt to right wrongs around me; to halt the chain of sorrows ingrained into the DNA of my family history. I sought this justice through my marriage at 23, through the birth of my first child at 26, through my educational awakening at 23. For the first time in my 29 years, I am comfortable in my own skin. Reconciled, and restored.

[jpSartre]

The first few sentences are intense. I'd say try to start with the positives and more subtly allude to your difficult childhood, purpose, etc.

[loveistheway]

meh...there's decent stuff here, but needs a lot more refining; No way is this final draft material.

1) Stop talking around the issue, put some meat on the bones and tell us how your life was hard. You refer several times to overcoming a hard life yet I don't ever feel convinced of that.

2) Your last paragraph needs to be rewritten.

3) Still need to prune some of that circumlocution

[ConsideringLawSchool]

I think your statement is one of the best I've ever read.

Quick typo alert: line 3, you mean "then," not "than"

[onthecusp]

1) Stop talking around the issue, put some meat on the bones and tell us how your life was hard. You refer several times to overcoming a hard life yet I don't ever feel convinced of that.

In the longer version I focused much more on the hard life stuff, but I figured adcomms probably have enough of those, and furthermore, I couldn't find an original way to translate that into me wanting to go to law school. I didn't want to sound like every other URM with that angle.

I included the first paragraph mostly to give some context into what inspired starting a Bible Study. I know some of the transitions are really rough because this is condensed, basically, from an original 4800 word version...no hyperbole. I'll work on those over the weekend. This goes live on Monday.

2) Your last paragraph needs to be rewritten.

Couldn't hurt.

3) Still need to prune some of that circumlocution

Say no more...I know exactly what sentences you're talking about.

[onthecusp]

The first few sentences are intense. I'd say try to start with the positives and more subtly allude to your difficult childhood, purpose, etc.

You should have seen the original...

"I grew up the bastard child of juvenile delinquents...."

[asfasdagdsfawe]

The first few sentences are intense. I'd say try to start with the positives and more subtly allude to your difficult childhood, purpose, etc.

You should have seen the original...

"I grew up the bastard child of juvenile delinquents...."

I love your original first sentence. Seriously, it's great. After reading it, I immediately thirst for more; I want to know what the hell you're talking about. Currently, the rest of your PS would not satisfy that thirst, but you can craft it to.

[Scrutinizer]

You need to go on a reduced-comma diet.