Please Critique Honestly!! No Hard Feelings..be MEAN :) Forum

[kristina88]

THANKS

[kristina88]

PLEASE HELP!!

[loser148]

My parents did [strike]there[/strike]best to make
their

[loser148]

Barbie's and baby dolls

Possibly just say Barbie and baby dolls?
But don't keep "Barbie's" That is incorrect.

[loser148]

You need an editor....

[chooch]

try not to rely on cliches such as "stick out like a sore-thumb" - you can still write concisely without these kinds of phrases.

there is definitely potential in this PS; this can be a very moving piece of writing, you just have to SHOW how much this incident has affected you rather than simply telling.

"I have been able to evolve into an adult. His experience has taught my how important it is to believe in yourself and know that everything will be OK in the end."

- wait, so how did you exactly evolve? and did your brother's experience really just simply teach you to "believe in yourself" and "everything will be okay in the end"?

your brother has taught you so much more. think about how he has changed your identity and perception of law. think about how more involved you've become with his life and your family. keep writing on this.

[loser148]

OK...definitely needs editing. The first few paragraphs don't draw me in and don't merge well with the end. I think the last paragraph needs more reinforcing rather than talking about 'experience.' Own your future and your plans for law school. Make it more powerful. There is a good foundation here and I like the topic. But I think there's more substance from your experience and that needs to come out.

[Zapatero]

The legal system Alex went through has provided me with a yearning to devour myself into deeper legal structures of the law,

You want to eat yourself into the law?

[ConMan345]

You write pretty well for a five year old.

[golden boy peanuts]

You write pretty well for a five year old.

I was going to say that this is a little harsh, but then I remembered the thread title.

[loser148]

The legal system Alex went through has provided me with a yearning to devour myself into deeper legal structures of the law,

You want to eat yourself into the law?

SNORT...SNORT!