Competing intros for my PS--please help! Forum

[dreamweaver87]

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[madcherrylimas]

Honestly, I think your original intro sounds a lot more interesting, sincere, and modest than your revised one. At the same time, it unfortunately also sounds like many intros on here, starting with some kind of action scene -- but I still think it's much stronger than the revised one, which came across as wordy and unflattering to me.

I understand what you mean about appreciating your abilities and feeling a strong sense of duty towards the disadvantaged, but I think you could either show how your brother's disability is an injustice (which ties to plastic cups and motivates you to fight against injustice in a legal way) or just leave it out. I mean I get it's unfair, but I'm not sure how it's an injustice, and you mention it several times.

Hope this helps, good luck.

[dreamweaver87]

ok, thanks a lot for the input!

anyone else have an opinion? i'm getting so many conflicting responses. it'd be nice to hear more to help me reason this out.