Personal Statement Samples Forum

[puddleglum]

yeah, i was referring to chronology... i probably should've said how and when you say it.

i think your PS is risky enough that you might want to consider a service like essayedge.com i haven't personally used them, but i think it could be worth it for anyone writing a PS that might be considered risky--because mental health is a delicate topic. but i'd first wait and see what others on the board suggest..

[XTC1212]

I suck at this so much. Please help. Any feedback would be great. This is very very rough draft.

As the clock hit 4 A.M., I again slowly opened my eyes and stared intently into the blanket of darkness wrapped around me. Was this a sign of insomnia? This seemed unlikely. Prior to these past few weeks I was blessed with uninterrupted sleep. I felt that I was just a normal young adult relishing in my youth. I actively participated in social events, went to school, hung out with friends, and had an estranged attachment to the phone. This was normal. So why then have I recently been waking up around this time? Was there some profound change in my body? Something perhaps like late puberty or pressures from adolescence? Then with a click of a switch all these questions disappeared. I realized I had just become accustomed to the show that was about to begin.

Tired from working the graveyard shift but still worried about waking anyone up, my mother tiptoed past my room towards the kitchen while placing her purse on the living room table. In less than a minute, the stage filled with the familiar sound of a door exploding open accompanied by my father’s thunderous strides towards the kitchen. “Sign it! Sign it!” bellowed my father as if he was asking a celebrity for an autograph. Apparently in love with another woman, he had forsaken my mother and wanted a prompt divorce. He wanted to marry his newfound mistress at her request for a U.S. green card and citizenship. Disgusted at this thought, I lied there wondering if I were in some drama or another talk show episode. What kept me awake were not the strips of light from the living room that shined deeply into my room, but their voices which echoed farther into my heart. Quietly waiting for my mother’s routine reply, a mix of yelling and crying, her response was surprisingly adamant. “Fine,” She said, “But they are my children.” Then, like nails along a chalk board, the piercing pen signature stroke ended the show forever. I could never forgive this man for shattering my normal life.

Now I sometimes wake up at 4 A.M. but for vastly different reasons. Whether it being last minute touches to an essay, memorizing a foreign alphabet in preparation for an examination, or having breakfast and getting ready to beat the morning traffic, these are now the sources of my restlessness. I realized I had inherited the tenacious, pervasive, and aspiring nature from watching my mother take care of two children, three dogs, one house, and working full time. Appreciation for the opportunities given by her, I strive to compete in academics, sports, and in life. It was through this I realized my life is normal although I do not have a complete family. I am a product of my mother chasing the American Dream in order to give me a chance to do the same. This is the norm that families across the country stride for. I will also chase after the Dream.

[JustDude]

I suck at this so much. Please help. Any feedback would be great. This is very very rough draft.

As the clock hit 4 A.M., I again slowly opened my eyes and stared intently into the blanket of darkness wrapped around me. Was this a sign of insomnia? This seemed unlikely. Prior to these past few weeks I was blessed with uninterrupted sleep. I felt that I was just a normal young adult relishing in my youth. I actively participated in social events, went to school, hung out with friends, and had an estranged attachment to the phone. This was normal. So why then have I recently been waking up around this time? Was there some profound change in my body? Something perhaps like late puberty or pressures from adolescence? Then with a click of a switch all these questions disappeared. I realized I had just become accustomed to the show that was about to begin.

Tired from working the graveyard shift but still worried about waking anyone up, my mother tiptoed past my room towards the kitchen while placing her purse on the living room table. In less than a minute, the stage filled with the familiar sound of a door exploding open accompanied by my father’s thunderous strides towards the kitchen. “Sign it! Sign it!” bellowed my father as if he was asking a celebrity for an autograph. Apparently in love with another woman, he had forsaken my mother and wanted a prompt divorce. He wanted to marry his newfound mistress at her request for a U.S. green card and citizenship. Disgusted at this thought, I lied there wondering if I were in some drama or another talk show episode. What kept me awake were not the strips of light from the living room that shined deeply into my room, but their voices which echoed farther into my heart. Quietly waiting for my mother’s routine reply, a mix of yelling and crying, her response was surprisingly adamant. “Fine,” She said, “But they are my children.” Then, like nails along a chalk board, the piercing pen signature stroke ended the show forever. I could never forgive this man for shattering my normal life.

Now I sometimes wake up at 4 A.M. but for vastly different reasons. Whether it being last minute touches to an essay, memorizing a foreign alphabet in preparation for an examination, or having breakfast and getting ready to beat the morning traffic, these are now the sources of my restlessness. I realized I had inherited the tenacious, pervasive, and aspiring nature from watching my mother take care of two children, three dogs, one house, and working full time. Appreciation for the opportunities given by her, I strive to compete in academics, sports, and in life. It was through this I realized my life is normal although I do not have a complete family. I am a product of my mother chasing the American Dream in order to give me a chance to do the same. This is the norm that families across the country stride for. I will also chase after the Dream.

I will summarize for other. You parents divorced. Then you said some negative words about foreign women marrying american men (Well, it was so presumptios to assume that it was done only for GC, I mean it is not a good quality to judge people like that, but OK). and after that you said that your role model is you Mom, raising 2 kids. And then made an allegation about you chasing your dream of LS.


Hmmm Thats pathetic. I mean You need to show your qualities in PS, and the only quality that I have seen about you is that you are judgemental about other people in a bad way. I am afraid LS will remain a dream.

[JustDude]

Re working.

That is so unfortunate. I was going to have a field day ripping on Canadian, but decided to read Wall Street Journal first. Damn, I should have copied your masterpiece.

Anyway, I will still write about what I remember.
Grades are called grades, Not Marks. Hahahahahahahaaa, Also, including parts of your resume, discussing how you succeded as a sales man will work wonders for marketing job cover lette, not so much for Law School PS.


Yep, and I still have concerns about how you combated your illness. It seems to me you are still affected. Its not the notion you want adcomms to have.

And language. I mean. I barely seen anything more convoluted

[JustDude]

Can somebody PLEASE PLEASE critique my PS?? Any comments would be helpful!


I was so hungry from all the shopping I did that I stopped off at the nearest vendor on the street to pay a mere sixty rupees for a meal of old eggplant and cold hard naan, and almost found it to be appetizing. I had taken a few bites when I looked down at my feet to find a teenage girl in rags with dirt piled into her hair and bags under her young tired eyes. I was startled at first, expecting it to be the usual stray cat brushing up against my leg, and instead to find another human being clinging to my leg. She was begging me for my food, and strangely, at first, I was reluctant to give it to her, being the selfish, possessive American that I am.

I like that honesty.

Then I suddenly realized that while I had hesitated to even buy the food, scared that it might make me sick or it just might not be up to par with my standard of food, this young girl was literally begging me for just one bite and she did not even know what was on my plate. From that day on, my leisurely family vacation became quite different from the prior three weeks which consisted of shopping, indulging, and sightseeing. In the last of my four weeks in India, I began taking notice of every beggar on every street and they seemed to be everywhere.

I guess this idealistic PS will work, since you are fresh 22 y.o. graduate.

[FakeProfile]

Re working.

That is so unfortunate. I was going to have a field day ripping on Canadian, but decided to read Wall Street Journal first. Damn, I should have copied your masterpiece.

Anyway, I will still write about what I remember.
Grades are called grades, Not Marks. Hahahahahahahaaa, Also, including parts of your resume, discussing how you succeded as a sales man will work wonders for marketing job cover lette, not so much for Law School PS.


Yep, and I still have concerns about how you combated your illness. It seems to me you are still affected. Its not the notion you want adcomms to have.

And language. I mean. I barely seen anything more convoluted

Forget it, I was going to say something, but you're just .... probably very lonely.

Take care.

[gk101]

I had taken a few bites when I looked down at my feet to find a teenage girl in rags with dirt piled into her hair and bags under her young tired eyes. I was startled at first, expecting it to be the usual stray cat brushing up against my leg, and instead to find another human being clinging to my leg. She was begging me for my food, and strangely, at first, I was reluctant to give it to her, being the selfish, possessive American that I am. Then I suddenly realized that while I had hesitated to even buy the food, scared that it might make me sick or it just might not be up to par with my standard of food, this young girl was literally begging me for just one bite and she did not even know what was on my plate. From that day on, my leisurely family vacation became quite different from the prior three weeks which consisted of shopping, indulging, and sightseeing. In the last of my four weeks in India, I began taking notice of every beggar on every street and they seemed to be everywhere.

If you have the Ivey book, read her comments about the "Jorge" essay. your moment of inflection comes across as very fake ( it would be a miracle if that was the only time you had come across a child begging for food in New Delhi in 3 weeks) If you didn't notice them before as you claim, you must be blind or really self-absorbed (neither of which is a message you want to send) Also, the bolded part is just stupid. Even if that's true, think of a better way to put it. It just seems like you are making a blanket statement about all Americans.

When I arrived back in America, my whole perspective had changed.

Why? Because you were astonished that people weren't shocked to hear that homeless people die because of lack of shelter or food. It just seems very fake and ignorant. I know you agree to being that ignorant later in the paragraph, even though you attend a school in Hyde Park, it doesn't ring true

My ignorant beliefs were soon amplified as we visited more and more areas of Chicago that were stricken with severe cases of homelessness and poverty.

Something about that doesn't sound right, maybe I am just not interpreting it correctly

By volunteering at community camps and shelters where the displaced people will be housed for the next several months, I am certain that my support and aid will help those people who have unfortunately lost their homes, businesses, and families. And though I myself may not have been one of those so unfortunately displaced from my home or deprived of proper nutrition, my reward is in knowing that my fervor for these human rights issues will advocate change towards a society where common tribulations of homelessness and hunger no longer reside.

This part just makes you sound naive. Also replace 'certain' with something along the lines of 'I hope to ..." You have no idea what they went through, and it just sounds presumptuous


I hope this helps and this is just my opinion.

[jinxremoved]

Can people give feedback? This is the first draft and I can shift the focus if needed:

I had been freelancing two months when Vijay called. “Look, I’m trying to open a PR company that’ll target the South Asian audience and I think you’d be a good fit, James.” This struck me as being a little strange, as I’m not South Asian nor had I ever worked in PR, but Vijay was convinced I’d be able to make it work. “We have one client right now, a Swedish calling company that’s trying to expand into the U.S. Can you come to a meeting with one of the founders tomorrow and get started?” I showed up the next day and six months later, their South Asian user base has gone from 40,000 to 80,000 and the PR agency has two additional clients, a subsidiary of the biggest Indian company in the world and an Indian American cable network. Over the course of building the PR agency I’ve had to negotiate deals with newspapers and online publications, coerce editors into running stories about my clients and persuade companies that my services are worth paying for and that my marketing and business development plans are worth implementing. Each day I’ve learned something new about business or working with a diverse group of people with differing goals, but my job has lacked in that it doesn’t present the deep theoretical problems and focused analysis that I love.
It was February of my senior year in college and as I sat in my German Idealism seminar another student raised her hand and asked, “But if we can only know things as they exist in our minds, what would happen if I looked at my brain while I was thinking of my brain? What would I be thinking of?” The class laughed and the professor scowled and gave a cursory response to what he thought was a stupid, surface-level question, but something about it really made me think. Up to that point, I was immersed in the theoretical world and spent almost all of my time debating, writing or reading about philosophy, politics and law. Over the last few months as it became clear that I was the top philosophy major, several of my professors and close friends had been lobbying me to apply to graduate programs in philosophy and get my PhD. This path sounded good on the face of it, I enjoyed writing my honors thesis, reading and analyzing dense text on theory and debating with professors and other students. But something about that question had really struck me: Did I want to spend the rest of my life arguing over points of theory that I could find no plausible way to connect to the lives of millions of people around me? Even though I loved theory and writing analytical tracts about philosophy, I knew that it lacked the “in the world” experience that I craved.
As I worked after college, I found myself reading more and more books on law and the Constitution. I became the person my friends went to when they had legal trouble with a landlord or a boss, as I found I enjoyed searching through books of state and federal code; exploring the law and how it could be applied to my friends’ situations. And then it made sense, the last eight years I’d been preparing to go to law school. It is a perfect synthesis of my creative, entrepreneurial drive that focuses on praxis and my inability to ignore deep, theoretical thought and analytics. As a result, I’m placing the call to [insert] Law School. “Look, I’m trying to study and practice law and I think you’d be a good fit in helping to achieve those goals, [insert law school].”

[puddleglum]

i'm a bit tired to really critique it, but i thought you might want to rethink this statement:

"Did I want to spend the rest of my life arguing over points of theory that I could find no plausible way to connect to the lives of millions of people around me? Even though I loved theory and writing analytical tracts about philosophy, I knew that it lacked the “in the world” experience that I craved."

there exists the branch of Applied Ethics... bioethics, the ethics of warfare, etc. and philosophers in these areas do in fact consult with governments, industries... on ethical, real-world matters. i once heard of a man w. a PhD in Phil... an Ethicist... who's role in a company was to determine whether the number of employees being fired was in fact, an ethical amount... anyways, i understand what you're saying, but "no plausible way" sounds a bit strong for the point you're trying to make, and i think you might want to support your reason for going to law school over graduate studies in Phil another way, or just reword it, since it's an important point to make

[Legalgirl]

k updated,
Please advise..
Any advice would help

When I first met L, she was fourteen and displaying a frigid exterior to anyone whom she came in contact with. Her parents were in the midst of divorce, and L was used as a power pawn by being shuffled back and forth between them. As a child from an abusive home myself, I immediately bonded with L. L related to me in the common feeling of guilt that many children of abusive parents endure. By making it comfortable for her to tell me what she was feeling, L began to trust me. I soon became her closest friend and confidant. L was the first child I became a mentor to, and there are many more children who depended on me as a role model. To them I was a symbol, that normalcy can exist despite chaos, and that indeed there was a light at the end of the dark tunnel that they were in.
My parents informed me of their imminent divorce soon before I was to embark on my college career. As the oldest child at home, I knew my younger siblings were relying on me to maintain order amongst the chaos. In their eyes I recognized the fear and pain that I had felt all my childhood. I immediately understood that I would have to forego my college plans and attend a local state school. The divorce was malicious and interminable, there were times when I didn’t believe that my heart would ever recover from the emotional damage, but I remained steadfast for my siblings. By refusing to choose a parent to side with, I showed my siblings that hate is unnecessary. By developing a loving and healthy relationship with a man that I would later marry, I showed my siblings that despite abusive upbringings it is possible to have a bright future.
This experience led me to choose to be a mentor, and to help other children who suffered from childhoods similar to mine, whether they were tormented by abusive parents, or just lacking a loving role model to guide them. As a mentor I encouraged my “kids” to make decisions on their own, advised them on how to navigate the course of the court’s custody system, and made them know for certain that despite all that happened, they were loved and cherished
My life experiences have been both dramatic, yet influential in a positive way. My extensive work with special needs children has shown me the joy in life. In the smile of a child with Down Syndrome there is hope. In the hug of a child with autism there is love. By touching my inner soul, these children have helped me mature into the person I am today. I have come to appreciate both minor daily occurrences and the major life changing instances, taking all with a grain of salt.
There are many reasons I have decided to pursue a career in law, chief among them my tremendous faith in our justice system. Democracy insures that every voice be heard, yet there are those who cannot speak, and I intend to speak for those struggling. Whether it be children from broken homes who are going through the battles inherent in a divorce, or individual with physical and mental disabilities. I have decided to make it my life goal to help those less fortunate than myself.
Today L is a college freshman with a tremendous future ahead of her. She is smart, capable and personable. As much as I have helped L and others like her, they have helped me in turn. I am stronger, more adept and a most honorable individual because of it. Today I face challenges with a positive attitude, with excitement rather than apprehension, and great confidence of self. I have used these experiences to accomplish a lot in my short years. Upon graduation from college I embarked on a successful marketing career, working at two major companies, O and P. Despite a promising future at either of these corporations I have decided to forego this route, instead favoring a career that I believe will be more fulfilling. Additionally I have spent years overseas accumulating diverse cultural experiences, and a strong sense of self.
XYZ (school) has a long-standing public interest program that has graduated the likes of (Columbia-Franklin D. Roosevelt and Robert L. Carter) (NYU-Rudy Giuliani and Carol Bellamy). These are people that have come to earn my respect and admiration, as well as many others. The tools and capacities XYZ will provide me are incomparable, and it is with this in mind that I wish to attend.

[fable2]

Hi all. Here is my rough draft of a PS. I have a few concerns and things I plan on working on, but I would be grateful for any and all comments. I will gladly read and comment on anyone's PS if they want. Thanks.



On May 31st, 2004 I got an email that contained the news that I would come to regard as the best I have yet to receive: I was denied acceptance to the University of California, Berkeley, the school I had dreamed of attending since I first visited it at the age of five. The next day I enrolled at the local community college, intent on transferring to UCB because I would not accept graduating from any other university.
A few days later I was offered the opportunity to spend three months in the fall on a farm tutoring and being an au pair to an eight-year-old boy named Ivo. Had I been accepted to UCB, I would have unhesitatingly declined—a decision I retrospectively would have regretted for the rest of my life. However, on September 7th, I would find myself in the village of Ngare Ndare, Kenya, five hours from Nairobi in an area that was so remote that calling it the “middle of nowhere” would not do it justice.
The small, fragile mud hut where I taught Ivo and its environs became the arena for an incessant battle of debate, argument and compromise between he, a four foot, incredibly stubborn, iron-willed Goliath and I, a six foot, consistently frustrated yet resolute David, who was enduring a three month long test on the most fundamental and important aspect of life: interpersonal relations.
Ivo initially hated our lessons. After a few fruitless days in the hut, I quickly determined that I had no choice but to cater every assignment to him if we were to accomplish anything. Most importantly, I had to make them relevant to his eight year old self, which was an almost impossible task. It took about a month to perfect my ability to engage and excite him, but I eventually succeeded. Math became about how much money he wanted; writing was about “Taz,” his favorite cartoon character, who he impersonated every few minutes; and reading became a breeze when I discovered feigning ignorance about the subject matter was proof positive that he was “heaps smarter” than I.
Effectively teaching Ivo and convincing him that education is important, which I ultimately accomplished, was more emotionally, physically, and mentally taxing than anything I have encountered. But I believe my time with him was more comprehensively instructive than my formal education. His impetuous nature impinged on me the values of patience, creativity, and persistence; his relatively sheltered and secluded upbringing necessitated approaching communicative and cultural differences from his unique perspective; his uncooperative character honed my diplomatic skills. Three months of spending almost every waking hour with someone as obstinate as Ivo made me feel like I could resolve any conflict and convincingly persuade anyone if I put my mind to it. The frustration he caused me, coupled with the feeling of success I eventually gained from taming this tiny Goliath, also gave me a drive to succeed that I had previously lacked and that continues to be unwavering.
During my time in Ngare Ndare, there were very serious land disputes occurring on surrounding farms. Because of them, land was being destroyed, cattle and crops stolen, and even houses being burned down. The three main groups involved, the Maasai tribe, local farmers, and mzungu (white) land owners, all had different ideas about what they justifiably owned already and what they should own in the future. Weekly negotiations to resolve the disputes began during my second month there and Ivo’s father, John, was involved as a mediator of sorts. He and I discussed the negotiations, the issues, and the historical contexts frequently. The conflict did not end until after I left and it was resolved through a legally-mandated form of alternative dispute resolution (ADR), which required a resolution agreed upon by all parties, which would be legally enforced. I was intimately exposed for the first time to a legal problem the promulgation of which could have cost the livelihoods—and possibly the lives—of dozens of people. This was a powerful impetus for my interest in property law, which was the focus of my Honors thesis.
A statement John made one night after a long negotation has resonated with me: “Property is the only thing that matters to everyone, everywhere.” The world is growing smaller each day and the law is only expanding. My time in Kenya was not only the stimulus for my passion for property law, but also for seeing, experiencing, and learning about everything this contracting world has to offer, which has fueled my interest in international law. I have since been to fourteen other countries and learned two languages while significantly improving my Spanish, which is only a fraction of my goals. Multicultural experience, knowledge, understanding, and tolerance are invaluable traits in every aspect of life, especially in law and its practice, and I am confident in my skills in these areas, yet fully acknowledge that I have much to learn. I am positive I would be lacking in them dramatically and that I would be a very different person had I not gone to Kenya, and it is for this reason that I wish I could extend an enormous “Thank you” to UC Berkeley for rejecting me as a freshman.

This is an acceptable but far from stellar essay. You have a propensity to use overt, flowery language and the topic doesn't strike me as particularly stimulating - it really boils down to a prototypical tutoring experience set in Kenya as opposed to a classroom etc. unconventional location but conventional story. Not to mention, the ending conveys way more bitterness than gratitude...are you spiting Berkeley or what for rejecting you? On the bright side, there is potential in the PS and your interest in property law sounds fairly sincere.

[summertimechi]

...

[jawsome]

Hi all. Here is my rough draft of a PS. I have a few concerns and things I plan on working on, but I would be grateful for any and all comments. I will gladly read and comment on anyone's PS if they want. Thanks.



On May 31st, 2004 I got an email that contained the news that I would come to regard as the best I have yet to receive: I was denied acceptance to the University of California, Berkeley, the school I had dreamed of attending since I first visited it at the age of five. The next day I enrolled at the local community college, intent on transferring to UCB because I would not accept graduating from any other university.
A few days later I was offered the opportunity to spend three months in the fall on a farm tutoring and being an au pair to an eight-year-old boy named Ivo. Had I been accepted to UCB, I would have unhesitatingly declined—a decision I retrospectively would have regretted for the rest of my life. However, on September 7th, I would find myself in the village of Ngare Ndare, Kenya, five hours from Nairobi in an area that was so remote that calling it the “middle of nowhere” would not do it justice.
The small, fragile mud hut where I taught Ivo and its environs became the arena for an incessant battle of debate, argument and compromise between he, a four foot, incredibly stubborn, iron-willed Goliath and I, a six foot, consistently frustrated yet resolute David, who was enduring a three month long test on the most fundamental and important aspect of life: interpersonal relations.
Ivo initially hated our lessons. After a few fruitless days in the hut, I quickly determined that I had no choice but to cater every assignment to him if we were to accomplish anything. Most importantly, I had to make them relevant to his eight year old self, which was an almost impossible task. It took about a month to perfect my ability to engage and excite him, but I eventually succeeded. Math became about how much money he wanted; writing was about “Taz,” his favorite cartoon character, who he impersonated every few minutes; and reading became a breeze when I discovered feigning ignorance about the subject matter was proof positive that he was “heaps smarter” than I.
Effectively teaching Ivo and convincing him that education is important, which I ultimately accomplished, was more emotionally, physically, and mentally taxing than anything I have encountered. But I believe my time with him was more comprehensively instructive than my formal education. His impetuous nature impinged on me the values of patience, creativity, and persistence; his relatively sheltered and secluded upbringing necessitated approaching communicative and cultural differences from his unique perspective; his uncooperative character honed my diplomatic skills. Three months of spending almost every waking hour with someone as obstinate as Ivo made me feel like I could resolve any conflict and convincingly persuade anyone if I put my mind to it. The frustration he caused me, coupled with the feeling of success I eventually gained from taming this tiny Goliath, also gave me a drive to succeed that I had previously lacked and that continues to be unwavering.
During my time in Ngare Ndare, there were very serious land disputes occurring on surrounding farms. Because of them, land was being destroyed, cattle and crops stolen, and even houses being burned down. The three main groups involved, the Maasai tribe, local farmers, and mzungu (white) land owners, all had different ideas about what they justifiably owned already and what they should own in the future. Weekly negotiations to resolve the disputes began during my second month there and Ivo’s father, John, was involved as a mediator of sorts. He and I discussed the negotiations, the issues, and the historical contexts frequently. The conflict did not end until after I left and it was resolved through a legally-mandated form of alternative dispute resolution (ADR), which required a resolution agreed upon by all parties, which would be legally enforced. I was intimately exposed for the first time to a legal problem the promulgation of which could have cost the livelihoods—and possibly the lives—of dozens of people. This was a powerful impetus for my interest in property law, which was the focus of my Honors thesis.
A statement John made one night after a long negotation has resonated with me: “Property is the only thing that matters to everyone, everywhere.” The world is growing smaller each day and the law is only expanding. My time in Kenya was not only the stimulus for my passion for property law, but also for seeing, experiencing, and learning about everything this contracting world has to offer, which has fueled my interest in international law. I have since been to fourteen other countries and learned two languages while significantly improving my Spanish, which is only a fraction of my goals. Multicultural experience, knowledge, understanding, and tolerance are invaluable traits in every aspect of life, especially in law and its practice, and I am confident in my skills in these areas, yet fully acknowledge that I have much to learn. I am positive I would be lacking in them dramatically and that I would be a very different person had I not gone to Kenya, and it is for this reason that I wish I could extend an enormous “Thank you” to UC Berkeley for rejecting me as a freshman.

This is an acceptable but far from stellar essay. You have a propensity to use overt, flowery language and the topic doesn't strike me as particularly stimulating - it really boils down to a prototypical tutoring experience set in Kenya as opposed to a classroom etc. unconventional location but conventional story. Not to mention, the ending conveys way more bitterness than gratitude...are you spiting Berkeley or what for rejecting you? On the bright side, there is potential in the PS and your interest in property law sounds fairly sincere.

Thanks for the feedback!

I am always worried about sounding too "flowery" since I have a tendency to do that when I write. Opposed to what you've said I've always thought the topic was pretty unconventional, but I probably didn't get that across very well, and I know that I could. I don't intend to sound bitter because I'm not at all, so I guess I have to work on that too. Most of all I was concerned the ending/part about property law would seem disingenuous and feigned, which it isn't, so I'm glad that seemed to work. Thanks again.

[juliawobbe]

I am currently working on my personal statement and I'm applying to law schools in a few weeks. I would appreciate comments or thoughts on my rough draft. Thanks a lot!!

I need some constructive criticism on what to improve.
Please comment!!

------------------

Helsingborg is a historical, scenic city with many antique houses located in southern Sweden.

I was born and raised until I was fifteen years old in Sweden before I moved to the United States in 2002. My father was a Swedish professional chef serving our family daily dinners with modern, French influenced, gourmet food. My mother grew up in a life of constant struggles, poverty, and neglect from her parents, living in northern Vietnam until she married my father and moved to Sweden. At age 8, I was fluent in Swedish and Vietnamese. I traveled to Vietnam several times when I was young, rode on elephants, ate fresh food from food vendors on the streets, and slept in beds covered in mosquito net. I continued to speak Swedish and Vietnamese fluently until my mother divorced my father when I was in second grade and we moved to live with her new boyfriend. In her own regrets, she stopped speaking Vietnamese with me in respect for her boyfriend who could not understand a word of Vietnamese. I slowly started to forget the language and ever since, my mother feels embarrassed every time her Vietnamese friends ask if I can speak my mother’s native language.

Today, my mother and I still have strong language barriers. I was taught English since early elementary school and after just six months living in the United States, I was thinking, dreaming, and speaking in English - as if it was my native language. Knowing the risks of forgetting your language, I continue to speak Swedish with my mother and write in Swedish to my father and my best friend who still lives in Sweden through countless emails and letters. Though my mother and I can still speak to each other in Swedish, a great distance exists between us because we cannot speak to each other in my mother’s native language. My mother has often cried and told me how regretful and sad she is that she did not continue to speak Vietnamese with me as I grew up.

When I turned twenty one years old, I made some very important decisions. I told my mother that I made a decision to re-learn Vietnamese and that I were seriously considering studying law abroad in Vietnam. I had never seen her so happy. She shed tears of joy and hugged me cheerfully tight. She told me she had finally found me. Finally, I felt connected to my mother and just as she found me, I found myself.

My upbringing was very rough for me yet turned out very rewarding. I was constantly moving around to different cities, going back and forth between my parents and an only child until age nine. I was never able to retain long term friendships due to the constant moving, though I had, sadly missed, great ones. I had to learn to adapt so often to new environments that it became a natural habit. I was never personally close to either one of my parents because they were constantly verbally fighting with each other indirectly through me. I distanced myself from my parents and turned to friendships to fill my void of the emptiness that I felt from my parents. It taught me to become a very independent and strong person. I never had any family members to talk to or turn to when in need. Instead, I either turned to myself or my friends. I became very self-motivated, constantly building my mental strength to overcome the emptiness I felt deep inside. I have learned the best way to cope with problems in life: to face every fall, every mistake, and every obstacle with appreciation and learn something positive from each of those experiences.

I found my niche when I was sitting in my first undergraduate law class - Law of Crimes - at the California State University of Sacramento taught by professor and pre-law advisor Laurie Kubicek. We read and briefed Supreme Court cases for the whole semester and discussed the interpretations of the law in class. I found the various interpretation of the law fascinating and very stimulating. The fact that the law was so complex and not simply black and white, was a challenge I wanted to thrive on. My passion and ambition only increased after each law class that I took in college reaffirming that this was the subject I wanted to study - the study of law.

I realize justice is an ideal we all want to achieve, but I will never put in less effort to try to achieve it. My ultimate goal is to serve the community at my best ability. I enjoy intellectual debates, but I know there are some things that can never be agreed on. I am outspoken and hold many opinions, but I am always open to hear the opposite side. I want to dedicate myself to hard work and constant challenges because that is where I find happiness.

I come before you as a strong individual with a diverse background. My background has given me several different perspectives that I can apply to the study of law. I recognize that there will be a lot of work and challenges in law school but I am eager to challenge myself and apply myself to the several multifaceted class discussions I am sure to face in law school. I seek to advance my niche and personal growth in law school through practicing my critical thinking, attention to detail, and passion for law. My law professors, my classmates, my debate teammates, my family and friends have each inspired me in one way or another towards my passion in the law. By pursuing a law degree, I intend to enter a profession that will use reasonability, logic, and analytical thinking to serve the best interest of the people in promoting justice and fairness. I have a passion for the law and I humbly hope to be considered for XYZ School of law.

[meerap]

I had taken a few bites when I looked down at my feet to find a teenage girl in rags with dirt piled into her hair and bags under her young tired eyes. I was startled at first, expecting it to be the usual stray cat brushing up against my leg, and instead to find another human being clinging to my leg. She was begging me for my food, and strangely, at first, I was reluctant to give it to her, being the selfish, possessive American that I am. Then I suddenly realized that while I had hesitated to even buy the food, scared that it might make me sick or it just might not be up to par with my standard of food, this young girl was literally begging me for just one bite and she did not even know what was on my plate. From that day on, my leisurely family vacation became quite different from the prior three weeks which consisted of shopping, indulging, and sightseeing. In the last of my four weeks in India, I began taking notice of every beggar on every street and they seemed to be everywhere.

If you have the Ivey book, read her comments about the "Jorge" essay. your moment of inflection comes across as very fake ( it would be a miracle if that was the only time you had come across a child begging for food in New Delhi in 3 weeks) If you didn't notice them before as you claim, you must be blind or really self-absorbed (neither of which is a message you want to send) Also, the bolded part is just stupid. Even if that's true, think of a better way to put it. It just seems like you are making a blanket statement about all Americans.

When I arrived back in America, my whole perspective had changed.

Why? Because you were astonished that people weren't shocked to hear that homeless people die because of lack of shelter or food. It just seems very fake and ignorant. I know you agree to being that ignorant later in the paragraph, even though you attend a school in Hyde Park, it doesn't ring true

My ignorant beliefs were soon amplified as we visited more and more areas of Chicago that were stricken with severe cases of homelessness and poverty.

Something about that doesn't sound right, maybe I am just not interpreting it correctly

By volunteering at community camps and shelters where the displaced people will be housed for the next several months, I am certain that my support and aid will help those people who have unfortunately lost their homes, businesses, and families. And though I myself may not have been one of those so unfortunately displaced from my home or deprived of proper nutrition, my reward is in knowing that my fervor for these human rights issues will advocate change towards a society where common tribulations of homelessness and hunger no longer reside.

This part just makes you sound naive. Also replace 'certain' with something along the lines of 'I hope to ..." You have no idea what they went through, and it just sounds presumptuous


I hope this helps and this is just my opinion.

I appreciate your honest feedback, it really helps a lot! Though you made a comment about my "selfish American" sentence, I wanted to put that in there simply because that is the view that other countries hold of us even though it is brutal, its the damn truth!
Also, I mean for this in the most non-snobby way possible but I grew up with a pretty decent life without any hardships and this was the most life-changing experience I ever had. I always read peoples personal statements about these insane struggles and whatnot, but I never had anything like that so this is kind of the only thing I had to write about!

[gk101]

I appreciate your honest feedback, it really helps a lot! Though you made a comment about my "selfish American" sentence, I wanted to put that in there simply because that is the view that other countries hold of us even though it is brutal, its the damn truth!
Also, I mean for this in the most non-snobby way possible but I grew up with a pretty decent life without any hardships and this was the most life-changing experience I ever had. I always read peoples personal statements about these insane struggles and whatnot, but I never had anything like that so this is kind of the only thing I had to write about!

About the 'selfish American' comment: i agree that many countries hold that view and you seem to provide an example of why that is true. I guess the whole point of your PS could be to disprove that notion but I didn't get that from this PS. Also, this topic can certainly be made into a good PS. You just need to stop forcing these perfect moments where everything became clear in one instant. You obviously made a big decision by taking a year off and going to Bihar (which incidentally is the state I was born in, but that's about the only good thing about that place) I think you should explore that in greater detail with your previous trip as a premise.

Again, this is just my opinion and I would run it through many others before making any major changes.

[sts45]

Please, I would appreciate your comments. I am a little bit scared that this is a risky topic. However, I really want to show WHY I chose to study law, and this experience is at the crux of my decision. Also... this is a rough draft, I know that there are grammatical errors. Thanks!

[JustDude]

Re working.

That is so unfortunate. I was going to have a field day ripping on Canadian, but decided to read Wall Street Journal first. Damn, I should have copied your masterpiece.

Anyway, I will still write about what I remember.
Grades are called grades, Not Marks. Hahahahahahahaaa, Also, including parts of your resume, discussing how you succeded as a sales man will work wonders for marketing job cover lette, not so much for Law School PS.


Yep, and I still have concerns about how you combated your illness. It seems to me you are still affected. Its not the notion you want adcomms to have.

And language. I mean. I barely seen anything more convoluted

Forget it, I was going to say something, but you're just .... probably very lonely.

Take care.

I am!!! Wanna cyber??

[takingmytime]

Hi all. Here is my rough draft of a PS. I have a few concerns and things I plan on working on, but I would be grateful for any and all comments. I will gladly read and comment on anyone's PS if they want. Thanks.



On May 31st, 2004 I got an email that contained the news that I would come to regard as the best I have yet to receive: I was denied acceptance to the University of California, Berkeley, the school I had dreamed of attending since I first visited it at the age of five. The next day I enrolled at the local community college, intent on transferring to UCB because I would not accept graduating from any other university.
A few days later I was offered the opportunity to spend three months in the fall on a farm tutoring and being an au pair to an eight-year-old boy named Ivo. Had I been accepted to UCB, I would have unhesitatingly declined—a decision I retrospectively would have regretted for the rest of my life. However, on September 7th, I would find myself in the village of Ngare Ndare, Kenya, five hours from Nairobi in an area that was so remote that calling it the “middle of nowhere” would not do it justice.
The small, fragile mud hut where I taught Ivo and its environs became the arena for an incessant battle of debate, argument and compromise between he, a four foot, incredibly stubborn, iron-willed Goliath and I, a six foot, consistently frustrated yet resolute David, who was enduring a three month long test on the most fundamental and important aspect of life: interpersonal relations.
Ivo initially hated our lessons. After a few fruitless days in the hut, I quickly determined that I had no choice but to cater every assignment to him if we were to accomplish anything. Most importantly, I had to make them relevant to his eight year old self, which was an almost impossible task. It took about a month to perfect my ability to engage and excite him, but I eventually succeeded. Math became about how much money he wanted; writing was about “Taz,” his favorite cartoon character, who he impersonated every few minutes; and reading became a breeze when I discovered feigning ignorance about the subject matter was proof positive that he was “heaps smarter” than I.
Effectively teaching Ivo and convincing him that education is important, which I ultimately accomplished, was more emotionally, physically, and mentally taxing than anything I have encountered. But I believe my time with him was more comprehensively instructive than my formal education. His impetuous nature impinged on me the values of patience, creativity, and persistence; his relatively sheltered and secluded upbringing necessitated approaching communicative and cultural differences from his unique perspective; his uncooperative character honed my diplomatic skills. Three months of spending almost every waking hour with someone as obstinate as Ivo made me feel like I could resolve any conflict and convincingly persuade anyone if I put my mind to it. The frustration he caused me, coupled with the feeling of success I eventually gained from taming this tiny Goliath, also gave me a drive to succeed that I had previously lacked and that continues to be unwavering.
During my time in Ngare Ndare, there were very serious land disputes occurring on surrounding farms. Because of them, land was being destroyed, cattle and crops stolen, and even houses being burned down. The three main groups involved, the Maasai tribe, local farmers, and mzungu (white) land owners, all had different ideas about what they justifiably owned already and what they should own in the future. Weekly negotiations to resolve the disputes began during my second month there and Ivo’s father, John, was involved as a mediator of sorts. He and I discussed the negotiations, the issues, and the historical contexts frequently. The conflict did not end until after I left and it was resolved through a legally-mandated form of alternative dispute resolution (ADR), which required a resolution agreed upon by all parties, which would be legally enforced. I was intimately exposed for the first time to a legal problem the promulgation of which could have cost the livelihoods—and possibly the lives—of dozens of people. This was a powerful impetus for my interest in property law, which was the focus of my Honors thesis.
A statement John made one night after a long negotation has resonated with me: “Property is the only thing that matters to everyone, everywhere.” The world is growing smaller each day and the law is only expanding. My time in Kenya was not only the stimulus for my passion for property law, but also for seeing, experiencing, and learning about everything this contracting world has to offer, which has fueled my interest in international law. I have since been to fourteen other countries and learned two languages while significantly improving my Spanish, which is only a fraction of my goals. Multicultural experience, knowledge, understanding, and tolerance are invaluable traits in every aspect of life, especially in law and its practice, and I am confident in my skills in these areas, yet fully acknowledge that I have much to learn. I am positive I would be lacking in them dramatically and that I would be a very different person had I not gone to Kenya, and it is for this reason that I wish I could extend an enormous “Thank you” to UC Berkeley for rejecting me as a freshman.

I don't get the whole UC Berkeley wrapping. Without explaining why you would have rejected the offer if accepted to Berkeley it adds nothing to the story and therefore makes for a week opening and ending.

[jessicaw]

Looking for some feedback with my personal statement- constructive criticism, please. I dont have any amazing life-changing stories, i've never had the opportunity to work abroad... i'm just trying to communicate who i really am, and why i think i'd be a valuable student. Its just a beginning-


I grew up in the mountains, far removed from the suburban sprawl of my Northern Californian hometown. After school each day, I came home to a vast, remote world where my closest companions were my dogs and my thoughts. My father, an earth scientist, taught me to value my surroundings, to embrace nature enthusiastically and but also with humility. From a very early age, I had a powerful sense of just how small and inexperienced I was. Everything was so miraculously complex—much of it beyond the comprehension of even the most brilliant scientists—and I had a great deal to learn.

This sense of perspective, combined with the rural isolation of my childhood, made me tremendously introverted. I was shy and thoughtful, inclined to observe and absorb my surroundings, rather than express myself within them. While other children were on the playground, I often spent my time reading or just watching them, pondering our differences. My teachers loved me, but my peers thought I was “weird”. Their disapproval only heightened my shyness, made me more reluctant to speak.

During high school, as our nation was transformed by its new presidency, the events of 9/11 and the Iraq War, I was partially drawn out of my introverted bubble. With some friends, I formed a group: Students for Information and Action, or as we jokingly called it: the S.I.A. It was my first opportunity to project myself outwardly, and thus to develop a sense of myself in a social context. I found that I was a political junkie, a young activist and a fiercely righteous woman. During this transformation, however, I remained behind-the-scenes, helping my activist friends to write speeches and plan protests, but never taking the podium myself. I observed many of them as they cried for peace and denounced the institutions, and found that my own opinions were still too complex and tentative for such certitude.

When it was time for college, I left my mountain home for the big city of Los Angeles. At first I was overwhelmed by the massive size of UCLA; the sheer number of students in each classroom was daunting for someone so shy. My grades reflected my anxieties during that first year, and I strongly considered transferring to a smaller institution. Determined to discover my voice, however, I persisted—I choose a major which fully engaged my passion for international politics, I immersed myself in reading and research and other scholarly pursuits, and I began to enroll in upper-division courses, with more opportunities to interact with both my peers and professors. Whereas the other motivated students thrived on classroom competition and leadership opportunities, I flourished on ideas. My introverted self found a perfect niche in scholarship, which demanded constant, keen observation and the perpetual deconstruction of concepts. Equipped with sharp analytical skills and an abundance of knowledge, I soon became a leader in many of my classes. My shy childhood self was disappearing, and in her place emerged a well-educated and confident young woman.

It was with this newfound confidence that I began my first internship with an international NGO, Global Partners for Development, which provided financial assistance for grassroots development projects in East Africa. Although my primary task was research, I quickly found that my ideas—as young and inexperienced as I was—were highly valued by my employers. For example, my suggestions for streamlining the project application process improved the organization’s efficiency, allowing them to review more project requests than before. For the first time in my life, I genuinely felt that I was an agent of change.

During my time at Global Partners, I developed strong opinions about the nature of donor involvement in international development. Eager to voice those opinions, I returned to UCLA and embarked on an honors research project, in which I further explored the advantages and disadvantages of having an outside organization facilitate “community-driven” development. I began as I have always begun—the quiet observer and meticulous researcher. Wading through rivers of rhetoric, deconstructing hundreds of project reports, I soon discovered my own unique and highly critical perspective. Most donors, I argued, had failed to produce an environment where local communities were actually in control of their own development projects. Examples like Global Partners, whose involvement was limited to facilitating and financing projects, were the exception. The final paper, a year's worth of research and drafting, was one of my proudest achievements. Not only was it a worthy piece of scholarship, but it was also a tangible embodiment of my perspective, projected outward into the world for all to see.

Since having finished that paper and graduated in June, I've continued to discover new ways of expressing myself and impacting the world around me. I initiated a Political Action Committee to combat the construction of a Las Vegas style Casino resort in my home county, which would have disastrous ecological and social impacts. Although I’m the youngest member of this group, I have taken a commanding voice in committee discussions and a great deal of responsibility as treasurer. I've also just gone back to work for Global Partners, now as an associate rather than an intern, and am excited about the year that I will spend there. Most of all, I am eagerly anticipating my future legal education, so that I can further sharpen my analytical and oral skills, and more precisely develop my voice.

I am ready to take the podium. I am ready for _______ Law School.

[darkarmour]

So.. edit

[riccardo426]

Colton, I'm really sorry to say all of this, because you're a good guy and hope you do well, but


This isn't a PS, unless your dad is applying to law school. This needs to be as much about you as it can. What you have so far is about 370 words on your dad, and about 70 about yourself.

You need to cut to the chase a lot quicker than this, talking about specifically how your father affected YOU, anything pertaining to just him is superfluous.

My suggestion for a place to start would be some of the hardships your family endured to save money so you can get an education. Maybe pick one specifically (say you missed christmas, for example) and elaborate on that, how it felt, but how you think it helped make you who you are.

Also, remember to try to tie everything into you today, as an adult. Things about your life prior to college should really only be tangential, as you are surely a different person now than 4 years ago.

[chilerelleno]

colon after status in last paragraph, or --

its very sweet and traditional though might cross into syrupy territory if you're not careful.

i thought the same thing; too much about your dad. good stuff but cut it in half.

[ColtonDLong]

Colton, I'm really sorry to say all of this, because you're a good guy and hope you do well, but


This isn't a PS, unless your dad is applying to law school. This needs to be as much about you as it can. What you have so far is about 370 words on your dad, and about 70 about yourself.

You need to cut to the chase a lot quicker than this, talking about specifically how your father affected YOU, anything pertaining to just him is superfluous.

My suggestion for a place to start would be some of the hardships your family endured to save money so you can get an education. Maybe pick one specifically (say you missed christmas, for example) and elaborate on that, how it felt, but how you think it helped make you who you are.

Also, remember to try to tie everything into you today, as an adult. Things about your life prior to college should really only be tangential, as you are surely a different person now than 4 years ago.

Thanks. Like I said, this is a rough draft, and not near to the end at all. It will all be tied in, but the point is that this experience has shaped who I am. I'm happy with it so far.

[JustDude]

Colton, I'm really sorry to say all of this, because you're a good guy and hope you do well, but


This isn't a PS, unless your dad is applying to law school. This needs to be as much about you as it can. What you have so far is about 370 words on your dad, and about 70 about yourself.

You need to cut to the chase a lot quicker than this, talking about specifically how your father affected YOU, anything pertaining to just him is superfluous.

My suggestion for a place to start would be some of the hardships your family endured to save money so you can get an education. Maybe pick one specifically (say you missed christmas, for example) and elaborate on that, how it felt, but how you think it helped make you who you are.

Also, remember to try to tie everything into you today, as an adult. Things about your life prior to college should really only be tangential, as you are surely a different person now than 4 years ago.

Thanks. Like I said, this is a rough draft, and not near to the end at all. It will all be tied in, but the point is that this experience has shaped who I am. I'm happy with it so far.

Well dude you are full of shit. You come here asking for advice. You are getting one that is very valid and your response is basically "Shut up I know what is better for myself". Well, if you know, do you need what??? Validation??? that everythingg os cool???

Heh. And Your PS is a complete douchbaggery as well for all reasons riccardo said. Also, I would never write and emphasize that I want top attend LS not for money.

If you want to do public interest (which is OK), you need to have experiences to substantiate that claim. However, besides the fact that your father took a job in college, so he can save on college tuition for 3 kids (Damn, thats selflessness, I bet he gave up a CEO position for GM for that) doesnt count for you devotion to public interest.

Pretty high concentration of douchbaggism in 370 words.