Personal statement-- help? Forum

[nicolelaine]

I've taken everything substantial into account, and have produced the following (I will work on grammar and whatnot later; I'm primarily concerned with substance at this point):

During my freshman year of college, I took a three-week course entitled "God in Global Landscapes" which helped me to understand and appreciate others' perspectives. This course taught me that culture, government, and religious views are heavily influenced by and reflective of a society's history.

Our course examined various religions and cultures through readings, travel, and interviews, which instilled in me the ability to respect diversity. This study of diverse American communities, including Evangelicals, Islam, African Pentecostalism, and Chinese Christianity, led me to further appreciate the threat that keeps American society together, despite its religious and cultural diversity. By travelling to various religious sites and interviewing leaders of these communities, I was able to better understand the importance of embracing diversity and tolerating different religions.

This principle is highlighted by a trip to Dearborn, Michigan. The theme for our module was Islam in America, and I was elated to visit a Mosque for the first time. I felt a deep sense of serenity and connection with those around me as we participated in the service. Following the ceremony, we shared a traditional meal with the community members. Each member of the community provided what they could, and everyone reveled in one another’s company.

We then visited the Dearborn Community Center. Members of the Muslim community are invited to learn English, take advantage of babysitting services, and are provided with seminars on how to get a job. I was able to speak with a teenage member of the community, and she emphasized how important her community was to her; she has been raised by not only her parents, but by the entire Muslim community. She further explained that there was a give and take to their community: they take by sitting in on classes and participating in childcare, and they give by providing meals after religious services and participating in community service.

While riding in the van to our next destination, I couldn’t keep the idea of give and take within a community out of my mind. As my education continued, I further dedicated myself to learning the extent to which history affected a culture’s past, present, and future. In each instance I studied, there was a discernable give and take within the bounds of the community.

In January 2016, I will be taking my love of history and politics to study culture and community in Uganda and Rwanda. One month will be dedicated to learning culture, politics, and how an entire nation has recovered from genocide. For one week of the trip, we will be living and working as members of the Teso community. Everything this community will give to us is priceless, and in return, my class will begin renovations to the Ugandan National Archives in partnership with the United Nations. These renovations will allow the preservation of the unique history and culture in Uganda.

I anticipate applying the principle of give and take to my professional future; I will take the lessons, tools and opportunities provided to me by my legal educators and institution and apply them to any legal or personal situation I may encounter. I wish to give my time, energy, and legal knowledge to further protect diversity in America. My time with the Dearborn Muslim community led to a deep respect for the American legal system which views all as equal and is flexible enough to accommodate everyone and every situation regardless of differing backgrounds.

[cbbinnyc]

First of all, looking over your past drafts, it's clear you've made a lot of progress on this. Kudos to you for actually listening openly to advice and making major changes.

One quick fix: delete the third-to-last paragraph.

My sense is that you should try to make yourself a more active presence in this story. Right now, you are pretty passive: you go to various places and make some pretty general and "safe" observations ("diversity is important"). When you you talk about your upcoming trip to Africa that's great because it shows that you are taking your interest and actually doing something with it. I'm not sure of the best way to do this, but look for something that shows more initiative rather than just you participating in the class. Maybe there was a paper or project that you had to do independently that was particularly interesting? Perhaps this class led you to do some sort of volunteer work or something (besides the forthcoming Africa trip)?

Also, be careful of saying things that are "obvious." For example, the sentence in the conclusion about "give and take" where you talk about taking the knowledge and tools from school and applying them to your work and life. Hopefully, if you are going to school in any program, you plan to apply what you learn to your life.

[nicolelaine]

I replaced the third-to-last paragraph with this:

Upon my return to campus, I found opportunities to give back to the Centre community; I joined Student Government and became a member of a Greek organization that prides itself on their three-tiered philanthropy involvement. Both of these groups allow me to be passionate about the community I am a part of, while taking advantage of what the college has to offer me.

I feel like it shows a more concrete development of character. The specifics of these organizations are on my resume; is it too much to mention them in the personal statement? [To be fair, I am heavily involved with both for the reasons stated in the paragraph].

[Scalvert]

I like that better. It shows that you were moved to act as opposed to just reflecting on your experiences. Most people are affected by things of that nature on a surface level, but TBH, most people don't actually follow through with their good intentions.