Proud of My Recent Personal Statement Draft - Come Crush My Spirit With Criticism Forum

Oskosh · Post by **Oskosh** » Sat Jul 18, 2015 12:16 pm

RationalHeretic23 wrote:
benwyatt wrote:
Oskosh wrote:Damn, I feel pretty bad for OP. Severely roasted, but come on guys... The first few posts would have sufficed.
I mean, OP did ask to have their spirit crushed.
You're right, I did. I really appreciate all the feedback I've been given here. I didn't post here for people to hold my hand and boost my ego. I've re-read this draft after sleeping on it and reading all of the feedback and I definitely agree with what has been said. I really struggle with the formality of my writing, which makes writing a personal statement difficult. Again, I really appreciate the advice & criticism you guys have provided. I'll go back to the drawing board and work on my writing style. Thank you all again.

Way to take that criticism like a champ, OP. Best of luck.

benwyatt · Post by **benwyatt** » Sat Jul 18, 2015 1:05 pm

Post removed.

TheSpanishMain · Post by **TheSpanishMain** » Sat Jul 18, 2015 3:23 pm

RationalHeretic23 wrote:
benwyatt wrote:
Oskosh wrote:Damn, I feel pretty bad for OP. Severely roasted, but come on guys... The first few posts would have sufficed.
I mean, OP did ask to have their spirit crushed.
You're right, I did. I really appreciate all the feedback I've been given here. I didn't post here for people to hold my hand and boost my ego. I've re-read this draft after sleeping on it and reading all of the feedback and I definitely agree with what has been said. I really struggle with the formality of my writing, which makes writing a personal statement difficult. Again, I really appreciate the advice & criticism you guys have provided. I'll go back to the drawing board and work on my writing style. Thank you all again.

Good on you for taking criticism like a champ.

RationalHeretic23 · Post by **RationalHeretic23** » Sat Jul 18, 2015 5:37 pm

Oskosh · Post by **Oskosh** » Sat Jul 18, 2015 5:49 pm

[edit]

RationalHeretic23 · Post by **RationalHeretic23** » Sat Jul 18, 2015 6:01 pm

Okay yeah, I meant to change that sentence after realizing how stupid that was, but is the rest of the topic trash too? I really am just at a loss here. I've always done pretty well at writing, but every single time I type up a personal statement it's just a massive failure and I'm just not even sure what to do about it.

benwyatt · Post by **benwyatt** » Sat Jul 18, 2015 6:03 pm

Post removed.

gnomgnomuch · Post by **gnomgnomuch** » Sat Jul 18, 2015 6:06 pm

Feels super forced and unnecessarily verbose. Nobody's gonna care that you know fancy words...use direct language that communicates why you want to be a lawyer.

...didn't read past you enrolling into Sociology of Law, because it not only didn't grab my attention, it pushed it away.

benwyatt · Post by **benwyatt** » Sat Jul 18, 2015 6:07 pm

Post removed.

barley · Post by **barley** » Sat Jul 18, 2015 6:17 pm

RationalHeretic23 wrote:Okay yeah, I meant to change that sentence after realizing how stupid that was, but is the rest of the topic trash too? I really am just at a loss here. I've always done pretty well at writing, but every single time I type up a personal statement it's just a massive failure and I'm just not even sure what to do about it.

Don't be discouraged, I don't think this one is a massive failure - it's definitely an improvement. Particularly the quality of the writing.

This statement does a better job of showcasing your intellectual curiosity, which is great, but I still think you should talk more about concrete things you've done.

Keep at it!

Oskosh · Post by **Oskosh** » Sat Jul 18, 2015 6:20 pm

Oskosh wrote:
RationalHeretic23 wrote:

[redacted] because @benwyatt is policing the boards... Just kidding -- Because I forgot not to quote the PS.

Oskosh · Post by **Oskosh** » Sat Jul 18, 2015 6:25 pm

I apologize... I am predisposed to suspecting others of trolling.

The sentence came off as clever, and that is not something that I would encourage in your personal statement. I don't know why you switched topics. You said you studied sociology. Didn't you have to do case studies/volunteer work before graduating? Maybe you could talk about compelling case, something that compels you to study law.

The current topic just shows your curiosity in law, but there is nothing about it that proves or disproves it just being a whim.

shump92 · Post by **shump92** » Sat Jul 18, 2015 8:38 pm

I might be in the minority here, but your subject change between these drafts was smart. I at least get a sense that you had an experience that was challenging your personal values directly. I do agree that adding esoteric words is not very helpful. Maybe pretend that a bunch of 10 year olds are going to be assessing your law school essays. Would you really want to be so prolix and somewhat pretentious (in terms of word choice) to them?

That being said, I don't think that your PS should dwell on being a why law essay. Schools often do not have a prompt so I don't know why are electing to not just talk about your experience at home. Then your conclusion could be about how that changed you in a way that makes you want to study the law/ shows you would succeed as a lawyer and law student.

Forcing why law just makes your essays seem odd. If you only have law school mentioned at the very end, be sure to make sure your main narrative sends a clear message that you can tie to why law. Very well chosen examples can help make this stronger, but don't dwell on them. Some of your readers will not agree with your thoughts so don't make the PS too much of an academic exercise. The PS should reflect on the subtler aspects of your personality that are not inherently clear from your transcript and resume. Showing how smart you are is not something that you need to be focusing on.

RationalHeretic23 · Post by **RationalHeretic23** » Sat Jul 18, 2015 10:05 pm

Removed

barley · Post by **barley** » Sun Jul 19, 2015 1:34 pm

First, I think you should cut out the bit about your roommate at the beginning. Anecdotes can be a good hook, but what you have is not enough to be an interesting story - you could jump straight into something along the lines of "I was a freshman in college when Troy Davis was executed...." and expand on the impact it had on you.

Next, I'm a fellow social justice person who cares a LOT about the same issues you mention in your second paragraph, but even I was very put off by your second paragraph. It's not exactly "too political," but I think you come off as very self-righteous. You should absolutely avoid words and phrases like "morally outraged" and "indignation" - they sound far too preachy. I had the same problem in earlier iterations of my own PS, so I keep making sure I remind myself that it's supposed to be a personal statement that gives the adcomm a better sense of who I am, not a soapbox from which to deliver lectures.

With that said, if I were you, I'd stick to a sentence about how you're particularly passionate about mass incarceration, failed drug policy, and capital punishment, and keep a version of the rehabilitation v. retributivist policies sentence to demonstrate that you're thinking about possible solutions about these issues. But you should probably cut out most of the rest.

The second to last paragraph, where you talk about your internship, is a big improvement - it gives you a lot more credibility than you had before. I'd build on it further. Same goes for mentioning your visits to Uganda - it seems like you could make a compelling point out of it, but as of now it's a bit cliched. You should use the space you save cutting down on preachiness to expand on these experiences. I'm still a 0L, but all the PS writing guides I've read suggest talking about concrete impacts you've had on individuals/organizations, so try including some of that.

Lastly, ending on that very overused Gandhi quote seems really cliched to me.

TL;DR: It's awesome that you starting talking about concrete work/volunteer experiences, but tell me more about it! And cut down on the preachy-ness.

CanadianWolf · Post by **CanadianWolf** » Sun Jul 19, 2015 2:11 pm

Glad to see that you rewrote your first attempt posted in this thread; that was one paragraph of material stretched into four repetitive paragraphs.
I did not read your second version in this thread since you had already posted a third revision.
The third version is okay, even though a little too verbose. You lose credibility in the final paragraph when you incorrectly assert that: "The legal field has the unique duty of imbuing the social policies it sees fit with the full force of law." I believe that this is a legislative duty, not a legal one.