Beauty Queen's personal statement Forum

[emkay625]

We get the connection between superwoman and waiting for superman.

It still comes off as very arrogant.

[Lincoln]

Work on your writing style. Try to avoid passive voice, don't use too many commas, and avoid overly long sentences. Otherwise good topic.

[kwais]

I like this PS, but I would add one piece of advice that I think others have missed. Lose the superwoman stuff.

[kmh504]

ay dios mio...so many superwoman haters. It's splitting because everyone else who has reviewed this outside of TLS likes it. I'm not arrogant, just confident. There are many superwomen in the education field, and I am just one of them....was the point I was intending to make

side bar: Acceptance at American today!! wooo hoo

[Flips88]

ay dios mio...so many superwoman haters. It's splitting because everyone else who has reviewed this outside of TLS likes it. I'm not arrogant, just confident. There are many superwomen in the education field, and I am just one of them....was the point I was intending to make

side bar: Acceptance at American today!! wooo hoo

it's not arrogant/confident. It's just pretty contrived and cliche. It's interchangeable with Wonder Woman, Batman, any super hero. It's silly. Sure there's the whole "Waiting for Superman" connection, but not every admission officer will get that. The PS won't matter at places where your numbers are fine, but if you're on the fence, I don't see this PS helping you because some people will find it hard to get past the first paragraph

[rinkrat19]

everyone else who has reviewed this outside of TLS likes it.

How many of those people don't have a personal connection (friends, family, coworkers) to you? How many have been through the law school admissions process? How many of them, honestly, are good enough writers to be able to give you an educated, unbiased opinion?

You're too emotionally attached to the Superwoman thing. It's an interesting idea for a theme, but as written it is not well-executed and fairly off-putting.

[062914123]

.

[hooma]

I'm going to disagree with everyone else on here - I didn't totally hate the Superhero thing but think that it needs to be reworked to not sound so gimmicky. I would say something like "everyone is waiting for Superman, but they don't see the super women and men getting shit done 'round here." You're a regular, yet in this way exceptional, person.

[rinkrat19]

I'm going to disagree with everyone else on here - I didn't totally hate the Superhero thing but think that it needs to be reworked to not sound so gimmicky. I would say something like "everyone is waiting for Superman, but they don't see the super women and men getting shit done 'round here." You're a regular, yet in this way exceptional, person.

OP, this would be a better approach. Make the reference to Waiting for Superman much more obvious (don't assume everyone's seen it), and don't sound so smug and self-congratulatory. Don't actually call yourself Superwoman, but show how teachers like you have been getting things done without Superman showing up.

[delusional]

ay dios mio...so many superwoman haters. It's splitting because everyone else who has reviewed this outside of TLS likes it. I'm not arrogant, just confident. There are many superwomen in the education field, and I am just one of them....was the point I was intending to make

side bar: Acceptance at American today!! wooo hoo

People off of TLS think that there are lots of good law schools and the main thing is to find one that fits your personality. People on TLS are jerks, but they're usually right.

[094320]

..

[rftdd888]

lots of people didn't even see that movie.

i'd lose the superwoman bit. everything everyone has said about it so far has been true. you're emotionally attached to a bad idea. the other people who read the PS outside of TLS and liked it were your family and friends, right? they don't know anything about law school admissions. everyone who has posted in this thread is more knowledgeable about law school admissions and personal statements than your friends and family.

not trying to be mean here but you're really attached to something that will probably turn off the majority of people who ever read it.

[NYC Law]

tbf I think I compared myself to Thomas Jefferson in my PS and it didn't affect my cycle one damn bit.

I'm not even certain people read these things. They just do a quick check to make sure you're literate.

[delusional]

tbf I think I compared myself to Thomas Jefferson in my PS and it didn't affect my cycle one damn bit.

I'm not even certain people read these things. They just do a quick check to make sure you're literate.

Hey, me too, in a diversity statement! It may have resulted in a longer wait to get in.

[NYC Law]

tbf I think I compared myself to Thomas Jefferson in my PS and it didn't affect my cycle one damn bit.

I'm not even certain people read these things. They just do a quick check to make sure you're literate.

Hey, me too, in a diversity statement! It may have resulted in a longer wait to get in.

I went with Benjamin Franklin for the diversity statement.

[Jante05]

referring to yourself as superwoman turned me off , maybe swap it for another term and don't go with ubermensch
and +100 on 6. for tying it back to how this exp affected your decision in pursuing a law degree

"anecdotal" is not a noun.

Also I would rearrange the essay structure so it begins in media res:

1) Your principal observes you. Says you need to change or ship out. That night you're crying on the subway.
2) Some background why you are frustrated. You're not just teaching any students - you're teaching autistic students. students with serious behavior problems. You had no preparation for this. You trained to teach kids math. Not to stop Johnny from throwing chairs at Susan, and how to keep David from rocking in a corner. (here is where you put illustrative anecdotes to make your experience real to the reader).
3) Background - how did you get to be a teacher and in this situation.
4) Back on the subway. woman tells you crying isn't going to solve anything.
5) You resolve to do the best you can, despite your lack of training. Describe the proactive measures you took.
6) Wrap it up by relating how your experience leads you to want to study law. Some how you tie this conclusion to the very beginning, so the reader feels it comes "full circle."

[thederangedwang]

Look, there has been a lot of posts here and a lot of info directed towards you, so let me summarize.

You have two options

1) Get rid of the superwoman analogy

2) redo the analogy so that it's much clearer that it is referencing the movie, not the superherione


DO NOT KEEP IT THE WAY IT IS...I beg of you.

[Master Tofu]

Critics and colleagues in my profession have embarked on a seemingly impossible wait for Superman. They are waiting on Superman because they have failed to recognize the Superwoman passing through their halls and lurking in their classrooms. She flies across the city of New York with the speed of a 10-car subway train so that children may inherit her most sought after power - knowledge. Her super strength allows her to compensate for schools characterized as under-funded and over-sized by extending her workday without pay. This power is so great, she is able to spend thousands of dollars to buy her own school supplies and still remain above the poverty line. Her impeccable vision allows her to see the potential that exists in all her students, compelling her to become a public advocate on their behalf. The only ‘kryptonite’ known to Superwoman is the dichotomy of ignorance in an institution of learning. Its presence crushes her spirits, cripples her will and challenges her faith.

Don't refer to yourself in the third-person. It's unbearable.

[kmh504]

Critics and colleagues in my profession have embarked on a seemingly impossible wait for Superman. They are waiting on Superman because they have failed to recognize the Superwoman passing through their halls and lurking in their classrooms. She flies across the city of New York with the speed of a 10-car subway train so that children may inherit her most sought after power - knowledge. Her super strength allows her to compensate for schools characterized as under-funded and over-sized by extending her workday without pay. This power is so great, she is able to spend thousands of dollars to buy her own school supplies and still remain above the poverty line. Her impeccable vision allows her to see the potential that exists in all her students, compelling her to become a public advocate on their behalf. The only ‘kryptonite’ known to Superwoman is the dichotomy of ignorance in an institution of learning. Its presence crushes her spirits, cripples her will and challenges her faith.

Don't refer to yourself in the third-person. It's unbearable.

Bear it baby

[Transferthrowaway]

The only ‘kryptonite’ known to Superwoman is the dichotomy of ignorance in an institution of learning.

Despite the fact that you seem to actually take very little of the advice you're given:

Your use of the word "dichotomy" here is dubious.

[moneybagsphd]

Critics and colleagues in my profession have embarked on a seemingly impossible wait for Superman. They are waiting on Superman because they have failed to recognize the Superwoman passing through their halls and lurking in their classrooms. She flies across the city of New York with the speed of a 10-car subway train so that children may inherit her most sought after power - knowledge. Her super strength allows her to compensate for schools characterized as under-funded and over-sized by extending her workday without pay. This power is so great, she is able to spend thousands of dollars to buy her own school supplies and still remain above the poverty line. Her impeccable vision allows her to see the potential that exists in all her students, compelling her to become a public advocate on their behalf. The only ‘kryptonite’ known to Superwoman is the dichotomy of ignorance in an institution of learning. Its presence crushes her spirits, cripples her will and challenges her faith.

Don't refer to yourself in the third-person. It's unbearable.

Bear it baby

Fuck it. Keep the superwoman shit (yes, it is "shit"), ignore everyone's advise, submit it as is. I wish you the best of luck.

[moneybagsphd]

Your use of the word "dichotomy" here is dubious.

Dubious is an overly-charitable word such a bungling misuse of "dichotomy". It's a solecism.

[IAFG]

All I heard: I was a great teacher but I couldn't hack it emotionally so now I have some vague and underdeveloped idea to be an education lawyer.

[YankeeFan2]

This is a good start -- just need to make some revisions.

[Transferthrowaway]

Your use of the word "dichotomy" here is dubious.

Dubious is an overly-charitable word such a bungling misuse of "dichotomy". It's a solecism.

I was trying to be kind