Personal statement, non-native speaker Forum

[thederangedwang]

are people actually taking this seriously? I thought this was just a poor flame...maybe it's a moderate flame then...

[PopTorts13]

are people actually taking this seriously? I thought this was just a poor flame...maybe it's a moderate flame then...

No, no. You're right derangeddog... it's a poor flame, just drawn out.

[Elenadu]

Thanks a lot for such a great feedback. I will definitely follow the advice, and work harder on my second part of the statement, especially on the conclusion. I will also try and make it more readable by cutting my PS into paragraphs.
Kublaikahn, thank you so much, you have helped me a lot with the structure of the sentences and the use of the articles. However, you told me that I sounded a bit crazy at the end. Why?
PopTorts, thank you for your remarks, I will pay more attention to the structure. Please, can you be more specific about poor grammar and structure notes? I totally understand that it’s not the English language grammar message board, but still?
My problem is that I do not understand what I am asked to write about. I cannot write about my understanding of law, since the committee the e knows it much better than me. Certainly, that’s the fact, but I’ve been through the law school and worked in that field. Why can’t I write about that? The Committee knows more about it, no question on that, but I am more knowledgeable more than most of the applicants. How come it’s not an achievement?
Should I write about how I contracted TB in a morgue while being in a forensics class practice, was coughing blood for five months and then I was miraculously cured? Not positive and no law-related. Removed.
Should I write about how I scratched the floors in the houses, trying to pay my tuition for the college in the US? Neither an accomplishment, nor a legal thing either. Deleted.
I’ve been through the abusive marriage. I asked the counselor about that. Since it’s not law-related, I should not include that part.
Scuppers has advised me to read hundreds of PSs. I have diligently done that before, and it made me even more confused. I came to understanding that the Committees ask for the high profile statements, enthusiastic and… happy. No justifications, no explanations. I am so unique, I have a unique background, I am outstanding, so on and on and on. That’s where my major problem is: I’ve never been taught to write about me, myself. I can easily write a perfect essay about a book or a painting, but when it comes to me, my personality and my life, I am totally lost. I also know that that in the US the students are taught and encouraged to write about themselves, their families and their life experience. I honestly have no idea how to do that. I do realize that my PS will drastically help me to get into the law school of my choice. Unfortunately, it’s one of the worst experiences of my life. I am looking at the blank sheet of paper.
I was Accepted to Golden Gate with this PS. I didn’t go there, since they asked too much for too little.
If some of you dislike my personal statement, that’s awesome, that’s why I posted my PS. I just want to know why. I am not looking for “I didn’t like it” posts. Can you please in couple sentences tell me what is wrong with it? I don’t have anyone now to proofread it to me, but this message board.

[kublaikahn]

Kublaikahn, thank you so much, you have helped me a lot with the structure of the sentences and the use of the articles. However, you told me that I sounded a bit crazy at the end. Why?

Tell your story. Leave out the motivations and personal desires, that is what makes you seem bat shit crazy. Most law school applicants have the good sense not to talk about their husband's career and what kind of house they want in a PS. Most think you are a flame, because you would need to be crazy to do that. I believe you (that you are crazy).

Leave out your expertise as a lawyer, those skills do not translate. The part about statutory interpretation indicates enough about your legal training.

You are a unique candidate because you lived in Siberia under a communist regime. Why not make that the cornerstone of your piece?

[Guchster]

This is the best I could do with what i had to work with. You need to keep at your language immersion. And rewrite the ending so you don't sound so bat shit crazy.

^ Way to cross out everything bro.

Hmm... to quote OP

The rest has been settled.

[Guchster]

Should I write about how I scratched the floors in the houses

WTF!?! Are you the Blair Witch?

[fltanglab]

I also know that that in the US the students are taught and encouraged to write about themselves, their families and their life experience.

Um...no? Not after early grade school. It's the same thing as writing about a book or a painting (paintings are challenging though...). Pretend you're a character in a book if it helps. You can literally tell the story as you would relate it to a friend and then just edit any grammatical issues.

[Elenadu]

Kublaikahn, thank you so much, you have helped me a lot with the structure of the sentences and the use of the articles. However, you told me that I sounded a bit crazy at the end. Why?

Tell your story. Leave out the motivations and personal desires, that is what makes you seem bat shit crazy. Most law school applicants have the good sense not to talk about their husband's career and what kind of house they want in a PS. Most think you are a flame, because you would need to be crazy to do that. I believe you (that you are crazy).

Leave out your expertise as a lawyer, those skills do not translate. The part about statutory interpretation indicates enough about your legal training.

You are a unique candidate because you lived in Siberia under a communist regime. Why not make that the cornerstone of your piece?

Thanks a lot for such a great feedback. I will definitely follow the advice, and work harder on my second part of the statement, especially on the conclusion. I will also try and make it more readable by cutting my PS into paragraphs.
Kublaikahn, thank you so much, you have helped me a lot with the structure of the sentences and the use of the articles. However, you told me that I sounded a bit crazy at the end. Why?
PopTorts, thank you for your remarks, I will pay more attention to the structure. Please, can you be more specific about poor grammar and structure notes? I totally understand that it’s not the English language grammar message board, but still?
My problem is that I do not understand what I am asked to write about. I cannot write about my understanding of law, since the committee the e knows it much better than me. Certainly, that’s the fact, but I’ve been through the law school and worked in that field. Why can’t I write about that? The Committee knows more about it, no question on that, but I am more knowledgeable more than most of the applicants. How come it’s not an achievement?
Should I write about how I contracted TB in a morgue while being in a forensics class practice, was coughing blood for five months and then I was miraculously cured? Not positive and no law-related. Removed.
Should I write about how I scratched the floors in the houses, trying to pay my tuition for the college in the US? Neither an accomplishment, nor a legal thing either. Deleted.
I’ve been through the abusive marriage. I asked the counselor about that. Since it’s not law-related, I should not include that part.
Scuppers has advised me to read hundreds of PSs. I have diligently done that before, and it made me even more confused. I came to understanding that the Committees ask for the high profile statements, enthusiastic and… happy. No justifications, no explanations. I am so unique, I have a unique background, I am outstanding, so on and on and on. That’s where my major problem is: I’ve never been taught to write about me, myself. I can easily write a perfect essay about a book or a painting, but when it comes to me, my personality and my life, I am totally lost. I also know that that in the US the students are taught and encouraged to write about themselves, their families and their life experience. I honestly have no idea how to do that. I do realize that my PS will drastically help me to get into the law school of my choice. Unfortunately, it’s one of the worst experiences of my life. I am looking at the blank sheet of paper.
I was Accepted to Golden Gate with this PS. I didn’t go there, since they asked too much for too little.
If some of you dislike my personal statement, that’s awesome, that’s why I posted my PS. I just want to know why. I am not looking for “I didn’t like it” posts. Can you please in couple sentences tell me what is wrong with it? I don’t have anyone now to proofread it to me, but this message board.

[Elenadu]

Kublaikahn, thank you so much, you have helped me a lot with the structure of the sentences and the use of the articles. However, you told me that I sounded a bit crazy at the end. Why?

Tell your story. Leave out the motivations and personal desires, that is what makes you seem bat shit crazy. Most law school applicants have the good sense not to talk about their husband's career and what kind of house they want in a PS. Most think you are a flame, because you would need to be crazy to do that. I believe you (that you are crazy).

Leave out your expertise as a lawyer, those skills do not translate. The part about statutory interpretation indicates enough about your legal training.

You are a unique candidate because you lived in Siberia under a communist regime. Why not make that the cornerstone of your piece?

Kublaikahn, I would like to thank you once more for you tremendous effort to help me with my PS. The sentence about the house seems really stupid to me now since you have explained that. You are pretty harsh with you judgments, but you know how to back up your arguments. Your explanations are very valuable to me.
However, your suggestion to make a cornerstone of my living in a Communist Siberia is an old cliché. All that mumbo-jumbo ended in 1991 when I was 11 years old. What had happened after the crash of the SU resembled more of the Great Depression in US. Since I was just a kid, it’s very insincere to dance on the remnants of the regime that I have never been a witness to. The person who proofread my PS in Russia told me that I should not bash the home country which had provided me with a free education and a happy childhood. He said that Americans don’t like people who betray their home country. Was he right?
Also, I am very proud that I finished the two years of my law school in one year. I believe it’s a great achievement and it shows I am a hard worker. Maybe I worded it in a wrong way, but why should I left it out?
If my aspirations and my dreams don’t matter, then, what matters? It is a personal statement. Yes, I sincerely believe that I will become a successful attorney and I will set up a chain of shelters fog dogs. That’s my real dream. What is wrong with that?

[Elenadu]

Guchster, I am not a Blair Witch. By scratching the floors I simply meant cleaning other peoples' houses for cash, nothing superstitious.
I understand this is the Internet, you may say whatever you want to say. However, I haven't insulted you, and I also do not expext WTFing in return. Bash me as much as you want, but it will be great that you don't swear and curse. Thank you

[Guchster]

Guchster, I am not a Blair Witch. By scratching the floors I simply meant cleaning other peoples' houses for cash, nothing superstitious.
I understand this is the Internet, you may say whatever you want to say. However, I haven't insulted you, and I also do not expext WTFing in return. Bash me as much as you want, but it will be great that you don't swear and curse. Thank you

Sorry. I can't help it. It's fun to do bad things. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcqOgnQyXp4

In all seriousness. I will send you an edit with some tips after my civ pro exam Tuesday. check your private messages.

[JoeMo]

Guchster, I am not a Blair Witch. By scratching the floors I simply meant cleaning other peoples' houses for cash, nothing superstitious.
I understand this is the Internet, you may say whatever you want to say. However, I haven't insulted you, and I also do not expext WTFing in return. Bash me as much as you want, but it will be great that you don't swear and curse. Thank you

Sorry. I can't help it. It's fun to do bad things. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcqOgnQyXp4

In all seriousness. I will send you an edit with some tips after my civ pro exam Tuesday. check your private messages.

I've always loved Latarian.

"I wanted to do hoodrat stuff with my friend"

"I want to whip his behind, that's what I wanna do right now"

[Elenadu]

o'k, shoot me!
The adjective “challenging” has no literal equivalent in my native language. The invitation to compete was odd to the Soviet system before the collapse of the Soviet Union, where the word “average” seemed to be a compliment, and taking a risk or challenging the way of living equated to rebellion against the regime.
I grew up as an average kid in a Siberian city that was proud to bear a title as capital of an oil and gas rich region, but could not contribute anything more significant than that. At the age of five, I was writing numerous stories about my stuffed animal friends and dreaming that one day I would definitely become a famous Soviet writer. My parents kept in mind a dream of a better future for me, and insisted that I should attend the best school in the city, which emphasized Foreign Languages studies. Unfortunately, under the Soviet Regime, studying foreign language perfectly complied with the average moniker. The knowledge of languages carried no status and was viewed as nothing more than a waste of time, or, at best, an otiose hobby without much purpose.
In the former Soviet Union only the top performers were admitted to the university language programs and my entrance exams opened that door for me. However, after my first year at university, my interests turned from the study of languages to what was considered as a more utilitarian study. I made an abrupt decision to devote my life to Law. I may not state why, at the age of eighteen, I chose the legal field. Probably, I kept in mind “trifle not, thy time is short” saying by W. Shakespeare, and I realized at that moment I wanted to be something more than just a teacher of English or German, a mere pedantic hobby in the Soviet Union. In addition, my first love was a major influence on me; I was dying to prove that I was a professional, a mature Person, capable of making well-thought decisions in life.
The University I was dreaming of, was the one of the highest ranked those days, since it provided the legal education in both the Russian and the English languages. When a young woman from a working class Siberian town dreams of transitioning from the study of language to the study of law, my native language has no word to describe it. The challenge invigorated me, and it was that precise moment when I had to take a risk.
When I entered the Law School, I was enthralled to learn and understand. I found commonality between the study of law and the study of language. Both seeming strictly defined, though, constantly changing; both having a vast array of exceptions, and at the same time, both inviting you to extend and add to the field. The excitement of coming across the slightly different definition or alternative interpretation are pretty much the same for an attorney and a translator, like when you realize that a simple comma may change the whole meaning of the sentence, or has a power to reverse the judgment.
It is better to try something and risk having regret you did, than not to try, and regret you did not. I have learned to exercise all my options, take small steps towards the goal and focus on one-step at a time I kept that phrase in mind when I moved to the U.S. and applied to De Anza College.
“Definition, structure, system, research, construing, and codification,” - these are the words that define the perception of every lawyer, familiar with any legal system. Success is not happening overnight. The decision to proceed with my legal education is logical; it is where my passion is.
The untranslatable word “challenge” has become a faithful friend of mine. I have been through numerous ups and down during my immigration life: I’ve been cleaning houses for free, paying thousands of dollars for the education that cost cents for the residents , I’ve been through a heart-breaking marriage.
I am applying to Santa Clara Law School not only because it is a top rated school. There is also a dense concentration of extremely wise and smart people in California. Some people are complaining there is no rain, and they are tired of sunny weather. I love California with all my heart! I am from Siberia, challenge me!

Now it is time to take the leap!

I don't like the conclusion myself. Please, help me out.
Thanks everyone,

[Elenadu]

Please, I need some feedback ASAP!