Feedback on my personal statement Forum

[username99]

First of all, spell Rayburn right. Secondly, if you read through the essays on these forums, how many applicants' hearts pump loudly in the first sentence?

[Eugenie Danglars]

I'd be happy to edit it with Track Changes in Word, but I am not good at editing in a forum posting window...

I'm great with grammar and commas * hint hint *

mlle.danglars@gmail.com

[maroonzoon]

Cut it down to one or two very meaningful stories. I would leave out IT altogether, since you said you are going to law school to save the world.

Besides the passive voice problem and commas, I think you are a victim of obfuscation. Write everything as simple and low-vocab as possible. Take every paragraph and rewrite it in half the words. Then do it again. Read some Hemingway.