Feedback on my personal statement Forum

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
username99

Bronze
Posts: 445
Joined: Thu Jun 24, 2010 1:40 pm

Re: Feedback on my personal statement

Post by username99 » Tue Aug 17, 2010 9:43 pm

First of all, spell Rayburn right. Secondly, if you read through the essays on these forums, how many applicants' hearts pump loudly in the first sentence?

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Eugenie Danglars

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Posts: 2353
Joined: Wed Jul 07, 2010 12:04 pm

Re: Feedback on my personal statement

Post by Eugenie Danglars » Tue Aug 17, 2010 11:20 pm

I'd be happy to edit it with Track Changes in Word, but I am not good at editing in a forum posting window...

I'm great with grammar and commas * hint hint *

mlle.danglars@gmail.com

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maroonzoon

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Joined: Thu Jul 08, 2010 9:38 pm

Re: Feedback on my personal statement

Post by maroonzoon » Wed Aug 18, 2010 5:06 am

Cut it down to one or two very meaningful stories. I would leave out IT altogether, since you said you are going to law school to save the world.

Besides the passive voice problem and commas, I think you are a victim of obfuscation. Write everything as simple and low-vocab as possible. Take every paragraph and rewrite it in half the words. Then do it again. Read some Hemingway.

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