URM PS , Could someone help me? Forum

[merichard87]

Idk. Representatives of the Negro Community? I found this pic on some facebook group I think.

[Total Litigator]

I think you should feel free to put God in your PS, but only for schools founded in religion, and of those, the ones which have not openly switched to being secular. You mentioned you want Georgetown: Georgetown still openly aknowledges the fact that it was founded as a Jesuit institution. Therefore I think God was fine in there, if only for Georgetown, BC, Notre Dame, etc. The one mention was not so much to turn off a secular PS reviewer, but enough to get an approving head nod from a more religious PS reviewer.

Btw, I'm not religious, so I'm saying this from a purely strategic point of view. The same reasoning was behind me reccomending the last sentence with the word "pray" in it, even though I do think the essay it better off without that sentence.

[Total Litigator]

I made some structural and grammatical reccomendations.....

As I stared at the checkered black-and-white board contemplating my next move, I could not help but compare my life to the game of chess. Every decision I’ve made and each piece I’ve moved allowed me to advance my position. During my childhood and teenage years I strove to ignore family members who constantly told me I would end up like my then incarcerated father. I did not listen to them or anyone else who told me I could not accomplish my goals. Instead I began to seek role models who could help me develop my professional skills and provide me with opportunities. My life didn’t start off with all the right pieces, but by seeking out and learning from a coterie of mentors I enhanced my resources and became more confident in my ability to achieve my goals.

I learned the true meaning of hard work and scholastic achievement during high school, when I had to work several jobs throug while also going to school full time in order to financially support my single mother and younger sister, as my father was still incarcerated during that time. I didn’t ask for the hardships I had to endure, and i did not desire missing countless social events at an age where most were having a great time. I have overcome difficult obstacles over the years including witnessing my mother involving herself with abusive men just so she could obtain food for my sister and I and pay the bills. The men never stayed around long enough for me to establish a connection and learn from them, but I grew so much stronger from that experience and swore to myself I would be better (I'm confused, better than them or better than you had been before?). I learned that perseverance, work ethic, and sacrifice were more important than social events, video games, and designer clothes. I’m somewhat amazed I made it this far, but very thankful my persistent and positive outlook allowed me to flourish professionally and academically.

During my sophomore year at Albany State University I was employed by a prominent trial attorney in Albany, GA. (I deleted "this made me want to become a lawyer" sentence... I thought it was weak and out of place) He was a very detailed-oriented lawyer with high standards and he pushed me harder than any of my previous supervisors. We exchanged views on how most African-American men lack the resources to be successful and I began challenging myself to think logically and seek those resources. Every weekday I reviewed his new cases and without any formal training I was able to make inferences from which he built many of his arguments. He also assigned me landmark criminal cases to study and write the impact of the decision on today’s society. When my last day arrived I realized I had gained much more than mere money for books; I was rewarded with a mentor and a refreshed outlook in life. Speaking with tact became easier and my vocabulary increased as I took notes on his courtroom behavior. I felt my confidence soar and I continued to be a focus, driven person. I was like a pawn moving forward step by step visualizing my promotion as a more powerful piece and moving further toward my goal. It was during this experience where I realized that I wanted to practice the law as a career.
This summer I worked for the U.S. Department of State in the legal affairs division as an intern. When I first applied for the position, I felt confident I would obtain the internship, and that, being an astute student, I could mingle with resourceful government officials. My writing and oratorical skills were tested and improved through my previous job as a legal assistant and more so with the State Department. I enjoyed the opportunity to convey my intelligence and professionalism especially when my supervisor gave me important assignments.
(New Paragraph) Fortunately this was a time when I wasn’t judged by my skin but by what I could contribute to the office of legal affairs. I connected with a diverse group of people and learned the importance of working as a team. I gleaned the impact of global diversity and how I can live by that adage. As a prospective law student I will contribute my thoughts and lessons learned from my experiences with a diverse group of peers.

My desire to master the game of chess was weighed against my academic and social obligations. I would play against myself in my university’s dining hall to practice concepts and strategies from the grandmasters. I considered chess my niche of individuality and leadership within a student body comprised of followers and novices. Chess became an extension of expressing my thoughts through an analytical process on a 64 squared checkered board. As time passed on I began to develop curious spectators who would watch me play against professors. Finally, during my last year at Albany State University I followed my heart and created our university’s first chess team. I petitioned professors, students, and local businesses to support my initiative with donations. I contributed personal funds for our first t-shirts and organized fund-raisers to offset our start-up expenses. I believed in myself and so did President Freeman, who asked me to write a funds proposal including hotel and travel accommodations, per diem rates, and reimbursement for the t-shirts. I wrote my proposal which included a letter stating the impact of a chess team at our university including state wide publicity, university revenue, and a diversity factor which could influence students to attend. During a Wednesday morning I received a call from the President’s office to sign for a sponsorship amount of nearly $4,000 to pay for our expenses. I walked from that office feeling euphoric; I not only followed my heart, I had succeeded in transforming my idea into a reality.

During March 2010 twelve members of our university’s chess team including myself competed in the 2010 Georgia Collegiate Chess Tournament at Emory University. Through that experience I learned only through adversity can I become great and fulfill my dreams. My goal is to attend law school where I can apply my thinking skills and life experiences in the classroom and amongst a diverse group of students. I created something at my Alma mater that will last for many years after I leave. It is something that can never be taken away, but always given to others. Playing chess while I was younger enabled me to evaluate my choices, make a decision, and live with the consequences. My relationship with my family has grown stronger and my dad was able to attend my college graduation after being absent from almost 16 years of my life, and he is now another role model to help me down the road toward my goals. It has been an arduous journey, but here I am, at the end of one chess game and ready to begin another.

[CanadianWolf]

Joshua:
Don't over edit as it will be quite obvious to the admissions committees especially since an LSAT writing sample will be in your file. All the posters here are well intentioned and largely correct in their grammatical corrections. But too much editing detracts from the originality, humility & candour of one's personal statement, and it is no longer personal. I suspect that I am much older & much more experienced than the other posters here which allows me to offer a different perspective, though not necessarily correct, just different & more seasoned. My opinion, and it could be wrong, is that your "personal" statement is now so over-edited that it is not your work product & appears too polished to offer any meaningful help to your law school applications.

[ShuckingNotJiving]

Ok Shuckey , I made the changes that you noticed and once again I would like to say Thank you for your help . The reason I put God in my PS is that most people believe in God and he is relevant to our society , for goodness sake he is in the Bible , U.S. Constitution , and various U.S. morality code is based off christian principles. Using God in this minor way allows the reader to know that I had spiritual help along the way. And Im pretty sure many law students have seeked some type of spiritual guidence throughout their 3 years , just my opinion. Here is the revised PS according to your suggestions Thanks to everybody for helping me out I realize that you didnt have to use your time , energy , or patience but you did and I am grateful.

Yes, you're absolutely right. There's no reason why you should take it out.

My desire to master the game of chess was weighed against my academic and social obligations. I would play against myself in my university’s dining hall to practice concepts and strategies from the grandmasters. I considered chess my niche of individuality and leadership within a student body comprised of followers and novices. Chess became an extension of expressing my thoughts through an analytical process on a 64 squared checkered board. As time passed on I began to develop curious spectators who would watch me play professors. Finally during my last year at Albany State University I followed my heart and created our university’s first chess team. I petitioned professors, students, and local businesses to support my initiative with donations. I contributed personal funds for our first t-shirts and organized fund-raisers to offset our start-up expenses. I believed in myself and so did President Freeman who asked me to write a funds proposal including hotel and travel accommodations, per diem rates, and reimbursement for the t-shirts. I wrote my proposal which included a letter stating the impact of a chess team at our university including state wide publicity, university revenue, and a diversity factor which could influence students to attend.During a Wednesday morning I received a call from the President’s office to sign for a sponsorship amount of nearly $4,000 to pay for our expenses. I walked from that office feeling euphoric; I not only followed my heart, I completed the steps to transform my idea into a reality.

I think this is amazing, and I can't believe that you left it out of the first draft. The only issue are the parts I crossed out; I think they're a bit too detailed.

Also, I thought the bit about living in the car as a 10 year old was a striking experience, that conveyed a lot of inner strength. I don't know why you took that out...

Obviously it's not good to over-edit to the point where your voice is stifled, but it's worse to not edit and leave in blatant grammatical errors, and sentences that lose their quality because they are unclear upon first reading.

[CanadianWolf]

Your voice is now lost & any admissions committee reader should easily recognize that this is not your work. Plus, it's no longer enjoyable to read.

[Jarrett]

Ok here is my final draft of my personal statement, Canadian wolf you are right I value your opinion greatly because you are older and have experience. Sometimes I get the feeling on this board that people try to sabotage your efforts by giving detrimental or mediocre advice, after all the majority of us are competing against each other for admission to a top law school, why would you help someone who is actually competing against you? In terms of the LSAT these companies like Kaplan and Princeton Review charge high fees for their material and services but I have seen a lot more useful information such as this link http://www.top-law-schools.com/conditio ... oning.html about what does and doesn’t work.

I don’t want a carbon copy PS but one that will convey my best qualities and personal experiences. I appreciate everyone’s input but especially Canadian Wolf .His statement " my voice is now lost, and any admissions committee reader should easily recognize that this is not your work. Plus, it's no longer enjoyable to read" is a powerful one because I have perused the forum and seen many PS edited according to other members perception of effective statement. In addition the sheer amount of posts Canadian wolf has compared to some other members leads me toward his line of reasoning.

To shucking, the details regarding how I was able to secure the funds highlight my ability to obtain federal and state funds and how I can navigate through the red tape attached to a political or academic bureaucracy. Not everyone knows how to petition their school or government for funds such as grants and scholarships, of course besides FASFA. I want my PS to show that I am a capable and resourceful person and how I can seek multiple avenues to pay for my education with or without a scholarship.

So please fellow law school applicants, if it is not strictly grammar correction, please don’t try and stymie my PS tone. Thanks to everyone for all the help!

As I stared at the checkered black-and-white board contemplating my next move, I could not help but compare my life to the game of chess. Every decision I’ve made and each piece I’ve moved allowed me to advance my position. During my childhood and teenage years I ignored family members who constantly told me I would end up like my then incarcerated father. I did not listen to them or anyone else who told me I could not accomplish my goals. Instead I began to seek role models who could help me develop my professional skills and provide me with opportunities. My life didn’t start off with all the right pieces, but by seeking out and learning from a coterie of mentors I enhanced my resources and became more confident in my ability to achieve my goals.

I learned the true meaning of hard work and scholastic achievement during high school, when I had to work several jobs while also going to school full time in order to financially support my single mother and younger sister, as my father was still incarcerated during that time. I didn’t ask for the hardships I had to endure, and I did not desire missing countless social events at an age where most were having a great time. God has helped me overcome difficult obstacles over the years including sleeping in a car for a month while I was 10 years old. I also witnessed my mother involve herself with abusive men just so she could obtain food for my sister I throughout our childhood. The men never stayed around long enough for me to establish a connection and learn from them, but I grew from that experience a better man. I learned that perseverance, work ethic, and sacrifice were more important than social events, video games, and designer clothes. I’m somewhat amazed I made it this far, but very thankful my persistent and positive outlook allowed me to flourish professionally and academically.

During my sophomore year at Albany State University I was employed by a prominent trial attorney in Albany, GA. He was a very detailed-oriented lawyer with high standards and he pushed me harder than any of my previous supervisors. We exchanged views on how most African-American men lack the resources to be successful and I began challenging myself to think logically and seek those resources. Every weekday I reviewed his new cases and without any formal training I was able to make inferences from which he built many of his arguments. He also assigned me landmark criminal cases to study and write the impact of the decision on today’s society. When my last day arrived I realized I had gained much more than mere money for books; I was rewarded with a mentor and a refreshed outlook in life. Speaking with tact became easier and my vocabulary increased as I took notes on his courtroom behavior. I felt my confidence soar and I continued to be a focus on improving myself. I was like a pawn moving forward step by step visualizing my promotion as a more powerful piece and moving further toward my goal. It was during this experience where I realized that I wanted to practice the law as a career.

This summer I worked for the U.S. Department of State in the legal affairs division as an intern. When I first applied for the position, I felt confident I would obtain the internship, and that, being an astute student, I could mingle with resourceful government officials. My writing and oratorical skills were tested and improved through my previous job as a legal assistant and more so with the State Department. I enjoyed the opportunity to convey my intelligence and professionalism especially when my supervisor gave me important assignments.



Fortunately this was a time when I wasn’t judged by my skin but by what I could contribute to the office of legal affairs. I connected with a diverse group of people and learned the importance of working as a team. I gleaned the impact of global diversity and how I can live by that adage. As a prospective law student I will contribute my thoughts and lessons learned from my experiences with a group of intelligent peers.

My desire to master the game of chess was weighed against my academic and social obligations. I would play against myself in my university’s dining hall to practice concepts and strategies from the grandmasters. I considered chess my niche of individuality and leadership within a student body comprised of followers and novices. Chess became an extension of expressing my thoughts through an analytical process on a 64 squared checkered board. As time passed on I began to develop curious spectators who would watch me play against professors. Finally, during my last year at Albany State University I followed my heart and created our university’s first chess team. I petitioned professors, students, and local businesses to support my initiative with donations. I contributed personal funds for our first t-shirts and organized fund-raisers to offset our start-up expenses. I believed in myself and so did President Freeman, who asked me to write a funds proposal including hotel and travel accommodations, per diem rates, and reimbursement for the t-shirts. I wrote my proposal which included a letter stating the impact of a chess team at our university including state wide publicity, university revenue, and a diversity factor which could influence students to attend. During a Wednesday morning I received a phone call from the President’s office instructing me to sign for a sponsorship amount of nearly $4,000 to pay for the chess club’s expenses. I walked from that office feeling euphoric; I not only followed my heart, I had succeeded in transforming my idea into a reality.

During March 2010 twelve members of our university’s chess team including myself competed in the 2010 Georgia Collegiate Chess Tournament at Emory University. Through that experience I learned only through adversity can I become great and fulfill my dreams. My goal is to attend law school where I can apply my thinking skills and life experiences in the classroom and amongst a diverse group of students. I created something at my Alma mater that will last for many years after I leave. It is something that can never be taken away, but always given to others. Playing chess while I was younger enabled me to evaluate my choices, make a decision, and live with the consequences. My relationship with my family has grown stronger and my dad was able to attend my college graduation after being absent from almost 16 years of my life, and he is now another role model to help me down the road toward my new goals. It has been an arduous journey, but here I am, at the end of one chess game and ready to begin another.

[scott82]

Grammar is fine. PS is still roundly mediocre, particularly if shooting for T-14. I won't say more unless you ask, but this is not a final draft, and you still have several months to perfect it, so you should use that time accordingly.

FWIW, I'm not competing against you; already in LS.

[Jarrett]

Mediocre compared to what Scottie? How would you know the caliber of PS that T-14 favor? You are making assumptions that reflect a narcissistic attitude .You can only infer what they want because you got accepted, which may have nothing to do with your PS. Scottie if you want to help Captain Kirk then help me , tell me exactly what you think would make my PS outstanding and shine in the Ad Council’s face . I will weigh your suggestions with my ideal PS then make changes, if necessary.
Please kick back with the negativity because I’m on another level now, I don’t like to be stifled. We know misery loves company and if nothing nice to say, remain reticent. blah blah blah but it is very altruistic to help others without criticism. Scottie our lives are not the same, how many outstanding ways can you describe events in someone's life? I didn’t have the white picket fence, large house , and financially endowed parents in life . Don't compare the nature of how well your PS fares to mine. I’m assuming you didn’t go through half of the obstacles I did.
Lastly I wasn’t saying everyone on this forum is an applicant or that you were competing against me. What I said was "the majority of TLS are applicants and we are competing against each other.

Is that a true statement or is it not?

[ShuckingNotJiving]

I am competing against you. And I like to scour this board, find my competitors' essays, and offer strategically bad advice. Then I laugh to myself while saying, "suckers." Usually, I'm wearing all black.

Honestly, though, give yourself a little bit more credit -- wouldn't you be able to tell if someone was trying to sabotage you?

Ultimately, if you like the essay, then that's all that matters. If you think it's a strong example of what you're capable of, and accurately reflects your experiences, growth, and competence, then there's really no need to ask anyone else.

I think it's a vast improvement for where you began, and that says a lot in and of itself.

[scott82]

Well, pardon me asshole; you should certainly go forth and submit this shining piece of original prose as it is, filled with cliched bullshit about "fulfilling dreams" and "following your heart," boring regurgitation of items that should be on your resume, and overwrought metaphors about chess. I won't waste further effort attempting to help you.

My PS is still posted on this board, if you want to read it. I didn't have the same experiences as you, but I'm not the trust fund baby you inexplicably assume I am just because I haven't told you your writing is on par with Dickens.

I’m on another level now, I don’t like to be stifled

Yeah. And I'm the narcissistic one.

[merichard87]

OK so I'm not sure when this topic hopped onto the crazy train but lets change directions.

To OP: Although I think you should definitely take CanadianWolf's statement to heart you also need to accept that you may not be the best writer and the advice and changes people are suggesting could be aimed more toward making your essay flow than changing your voice. I'm not saying take everyone's advice but really take a look at the changes proposed and try to understand how it impacts your essay.

Also, there is a book out full of essays by law school applicants who were admitted to T-14 and other law schools. You might want to take a look at that and maybe understand where the poster is coming from when he calls your essay "mediocre". I do not agree that it is mediocre but I don't think its a great essay. Its ok. You have some great points and life lessons in it but I don't read it and think this is a great essay.

You don't have to take my advice but I would suggest taking the other posters' edits in stride instead of throwing around accusations of sabotage.

[Total Litigator]

In addition the sheer amount of posts Canadian wolf has compared to some other members leads me toward his line of reasoning.

lol, usually there is a negative correlation between # of posts and quality of advice, don't let the numbers fool ya. However, Canadian Wolf is an exception, as (from what I have seen) he/she gives pretty good advice.