Intro: to write a story or not to.... Forum

[dominkay]

I completely and totally disagree with the person who says you should do more telling and less showing. Maybe if this was a grade addendum, but personal statements are not supposed to be dry. And I think the intro should ALWAYS be compelling.

A major mistake would be assuming a personal statement that tells a bulk of the story comes off dry and not compelling. This isn't directed at the OP, but the worst PS are always the ones who try to be interesting and compelling by showing way too much, using subpar creative writing skills.

OP has two pages to TELL a story about overcoming an incredibly important and detailed struggle. To rely heavily on "showing" a story like that to its potential with such strict word limits would take superhuman writing ability.

However, don't worry about talking about what specific skills you can contribute to law school. Just show that your maturity and experiences would make you a great 1L and addition to the student body.

I don't think what the worst PSs do are relevant here, since the OP is on her way to a GREAT PS. Yes, trying too hard to be youneek can be awful. But actually being unique is awesome.

[billyez]

However, I still say to keep the intro shorter no matter what you do. Space is of the essence.

I agree with this. This introduction is effective, but I sense a danger in letting the experience take an inordinate amount of precedence in the PS. You have to get to the meat of the PS quickly, which is what the effect the experience had on you. But that's all I'm going to say until I see the whole thing.

[Pearalegal]

I don't think what the worst PSs do are relevant here, since the OP is on her way to a GREAT PS. Yes, trying too hard to be youneek can be awful. But actually being unique is awesome.

...well, yeah. Obviously.

My problem was that I didn't think the intro was effective. But billyez is right, this is all speculation without seeing a first completed draft .

[Barbie]

I will be posting a final ROUGH (again, very rough) draft of this one tonight (tom at latest.) if you guys would be willing to read/comment. I did get surgery today so it might be a little loopy, but I gotta get this workin because this is my only week off work for ... everrrr.

[billyez]

I'd be glad to read it. Hope the surgery went well.

[Barbie]

Okay guys, this is quite awfully written (I had to write it in an email with no spell/grammar check because I haven't installed word into my new lap top yet). Also, as I said, I had surgery today so I am a little loopy. I haven't written the conclusion yet and would love any advice on it. Also, I think it's a little sappy, but this may be a result of my loopy-ness and edited out tomorrow. Let me know what yall think!!!

I walk into the room and meet dozens of judgmental glares. Squinted eyes trail me as I weave my way towards a seat in the corner. I know what they are thinking: Why is she here? I don’t blame them. I don’t look like they do. I’m barely twenty-one and seemingly healthy. It’s obvious that I’m new here, and they don’t think I belong. I’m still not sure I belong. At least, I wish that I didn’t. Someone finally musters the courage to scoot their seat next to mine and ask the question: “Why are you here?” I tilt my head towards the glass door which reads Moffit Cancer Center: Neuro-Oncology Department and respond “the same reason you are.”



This reason, as other patients have similarly experienced, is to obtain MRI results, recieve spinal taps, or discuss the progression and results of my treatments. I spend week after week dealing with the reprocussions of having cancer, including frequent visits to the neuro-oncology and radiology departments at Moffitt, my surgeon's office, my physical therapist's office, and a series of other doctors pertaining to side effects and other necessary procedures, such as the preservation of my reproductive eggs. I haven't had many other options since the discovery of my tumor, a rare glioma; more specifically a malignant ependymoma.



The presence of this unwanted, cancerous clump has altered my life in an unexpected manor. My family, friends, and doctors expected to find me emotionally and phsyically drained and in a state needing their care. Rather, they flock to watch me give speeches on behalf of the American Cancer Society at local highschools to raise money and spread the awareness of cancer. They collect newspaper clippings of the articles I write to inspire others like myself. They try to keep up with all the things I am doing to keep myself moving forward. I become inspired by inspiring others, and from my disease have found a new faith in myself. I found the strength to endure a very risky procedure which resulted in a week's time spent in the intensive care unit, and almost two month's in the hospital, while never withdrawaling from a single class in my full time schedule at my University. I became passionate about not letting my disease negatively impact my life, and allowed my disease to propelled me into caring more about myself and my life than before. More than ever, I now strive to succed. I now strive to follow my dreams. Most importantly, I now have complete faith in myself to accomplish these dreams.



My dream has long been to attend law school. This dream was planted by the greatest man I have ever known, my Papa. A man whose life gave heed to a different form of the disease I too battle once told me that the stong and kind people of this world, the people like him and I, need to fight for a voice. He knew that a sound education, and specifically a legal education, gave grounds and volume to such a voice. My employment at a local law firm has given me the priveledge to work with and for people who are strong, kind, and using their voice to help those in need. (Add specifics?) Through my disease I have found my voice: a voice I have been using to help raise awareness and aid for those who fight an often losing battle every day of their lives. I now dream to obtain a reputable law degree from XXX and to give volume to this voice.

[Barbie]

PSS- rough rough rough rough draft. half the length that it will prob end up being. Also, theres a part I'm considering adding: Everyone told me I was fine when I was complaining of severe symptoms (later discovered to be caused by my tumor). My bf, parents, and 2 dr's all said I was nuts. I drove myself (like a serious crazy lady) to the ER 3 nights in a row until they finally took my seriously. My tumor was found and I was immediately bound to a wheel chair and put on shrinkage steroids, because otherwise very vital nerves wiould have snapped.


can't figure out if that's relevant or not...

[eandy]

I think you take what could be a really strong PS and take it in a cliched direction.

[Barbie]

I think you take what could be a really strong PS and take it in a cliched direction.

any specifics? like the voice part?

[eandy]

I think you take what could be a really strong PS and take it in a cliched direction.

any specifics? like the voice part?

End of second to last paragraph and all of the last paragraph.

[Barbie]

I think you take what could be a really strong PS and take it in a cliched direction.

any specifics? like the voice part?

End of second to last paragraph and all of the last paragraph.

I guess I'm struggling to find a way that it won't sound cliche. I want the point to be clear. Hopefully with some work and elaboration itll sound less so

[ShuckingNotJiving]

It's really not awful at all. I read it all the way through and didn't let out a goaded sigh once. And a lot of the technical errors might be because you were, um, still drugged up?

Some suggestions:

First paragraph: judgmental glares is an awkward choice of words. A: judgmental connotes that they were analyzing you for the purpose of criticism, which you really can't be sure they were. B: glare has a negative connotation, IE staring plus a substantial amount of anger. Were these folks staring at you angrily? Why? If not, how about just saying: "I walk into the room and meet a dozen stares." The rest of the paragraph is good.

Second paragraph: The litany of repercussions is unnecessary. You get too technical; one is inclined to merely skim, rather than read. I know you're trying to show how tormenting your experience was, and your resilience through it, but that already comes through in your essay. You want to include only the most meaningful information, since you are limited in how much you can write.

Third paragraph: This is awesome. You detail your achievements, but not in the asinine way many seem be doing in their personal statements. I read and thought, these are some amazing feats, not, why is she listing her resume in her PS? Well done. However, I would take out "I now strive to follow my dreams, because as another poster commented, it's cliche. Also, in the first sentence it should be MANNER, not MANOR. Your spelling reminded me of Animal Farm, which I love, so thanks for that.

Last paragraph: If you're married to the idea of including the bit about your "papa," I think it might seem less informal if you said something along the lines of "the greatest man I've ever known, my father (or Papa as I call him)." However, if you're not married to it, then I would take it out, or cut out some of the detail, and work it into the third paragraph where you mention your family and friends. Only because that has the potential to take the essay in a completely different direction, which you don't want because the initial direction is already so strong. For your work in the law firm, yes, you should add more details there.

Hope this helps.

[Barbie]

It's really not awful at all. I read it all the way through and didn't let out a goaded sigh once. And a lot of the technical errors might be because you were, um, still drugged up?

Some suggestions:

First paragraph: judgmental glares is an awkward choice of words. A: judgmental connotes that they were analyzing you for the purpose of criticism, which you really can't be sure they were. B: glare has a negative connotation, IE staring plus a substantial amount of anger. Were these folks staring at you angrily? Why? If not, how about just saying: "I walk into the room and meet a dozen stares." The rest of the paragraph is good.

Second paragraph: The litany of repercussions is unnecessary. You get too technical; one is inclined to merely skim, rather than read. I know you're trying to show how tormenting your experience was, and your resilience through it, but that already comes through in your essay. You want to include only the most meaningful information, since you are limited in how much you can write.

Third paragraph: This is awesome. You detail your achievements, but not in the asinine way many seem be doing in their personal statements. I read and thought, these are some amazing feats, not, why is she listing her resume in her PS? Well done. However, I would take out "I now strive to follow my dreams, because as another poster commented, it's cliche. Also, in the first sentence it should be MANNER, not MANOR. Your spelling reminded me of Animal Farm, which I love, so thanks for that.

Last paragraph: If you're married to the idea of including the bit about your "papa," I think it might seem less informal if you said something along the lines of "the greatest man I've ever known, my father (or Papa as I call him)." However, if you're not married to it, then I would take it out, or cut out some of the detail, and work it into the third paragraph where you mention your family and friends. Only because that has the potential to take the essay in a completely different direction, which you don't want because the initial direction is already so strong. For your work in the law firm, yes, you should add more details there.

Hope this helps.

Thanks! My papa is my grandpa actually which is strange. He's was an attorney (realize now I didnt even mention that) and my whole life told me to be a lawyer hwich is where I got it from but I agree I did 't approach it well. I think youre right about joining that paragraph with the one above. Thanks a lot!!

[Barbie]

It's really not awful at all. I read it all the way through and didn't let out a goaded sigh once. And a lot of the technical errors might be because you were, um, still drugged up?

Some suggestions:

First paragraph: judgmental glares is an awkward choice of words. A: judgmental connotes that they were analyzing you for the purpose of criticism, which you really can't be sure they were. B: glare has a negative connotation, IE staring plus a substantial amount of anger. Were these folks staring at you angrily? Why? If not, how about just saying: "I walk into the room and meet a dozen stares." The rest of the paragraph is good.

Second paragraph: The litany of repercussions is unnecessary. You get too technical; one is inclined to merely skim, rather than read. I know you're trying to show how tormenting your experience was, and your resilience through it, but that already comes through in your essay. You want to include only the most meaningful information, since you are limited in how much you can write.

Third paragraph: This is awesome. You detail your achievements, but not in the asinine way many seem be doing in their personal statements. I read and thought, these are some amazing feats, not, why is she listing her resume in her PS? Well done. However, I would take out "I now strive to follow my dreams, because as another poster commented, it's cliche. Also, in the first sentence it should be MANNER, not MANOR. Your spelling reminded me of Animal Farm, which I love, so thanks for that.

Last paragraph: If you're married to the idea of including the bit about your "papa," I think it might seem less informal if you said something along the lines of "the greatest man I've ever known, my father (or Papa as I call him)." However, if you're not married to it, then I would take it out, or cut out some of the detail, and work it into the third paragraph where you mention your family and friends. Only because that has the potential to take the essay in a completely different direction, which you don't want because the initial direction is already so strong. For your work in the law firm, yes, you should add more details there.

Hope this helps.

Thanks! My papa is my grandpa actually which is strange. He's was an attorney (realize now I didnt even mention that) and my whole life told me to be a lawyer hwich is where I got it from but I agree I did 't approach it well. I think youre right about joining that paragraph with the one above. Thanks a lot!!

a. explain that you mean 'grandfather.'
b. use the lawyer angle to further connect yourself to law. To be honest, that is a weak point in this essay: it almost seems like you're applying to medical school.

would you recommend completely removing it or making it more law-oriented?