Scholarship Negotiation Letter Forum

[nireca]

Hey everybody, just cooked up this draft of a scholarship negotiation letter to BLS and would appreciate any constructive criticism you all have.
_________________________________________________________________________

To the Admissions Office,

I was very excited to learn of my acceptance to Brooklyn Law School. It is at the top of my list of potential law schools and has been ever since I began researching my options. The strong alumni network, the rigorous academic program, and the ideal location in the heart of New York City offer an incredible opportunity which I sincerely hope to take advantage of in the fall.

I would also like to thank the admissions committee for the merit scholarship that I was awarded. Since I will be receiving no assistance financing my legal education, the issue of debt is central to my decision of where to attend law school. To date I have received scholarship offers from every school to which I have been admitted, including St. John’s University for $42,200 per year and the University of Minnesota for $20,000 per year.

Although Brooklyn Law School remains my top choice, I simply cannot justify the financial commitment when more competitive offers have been made. According to my calculations, the total debt after three years at Brooklyn Law School would amount to $106,680. In contrast, the estimated debt from St. John’s University would amount to $66,651 and that of University of Minnesota would be between $80,690 and $94,899, depending on whether I would be able to obtain Minnesota residency. These figures include tuition plus the cost of living and assume that I retain my scholarship awards through graduation.

While I genuinely desire to study and work in Brooklyn, it would be irresponsible to allow these inclinations to outweigh the financial considerations outlined above. For this reason, I humbly request that your office consider me for additional merit-based aid.

I would also like to remind the Admissions Office that deposit deadlines are only weeks away. Therefore, a prompt decision in this matter would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,
ME

[zonto]

Hey everybody, just cooked up this draft of a scholarship negotiation letter to BLS and would appreciate any constructive criticism you all have.
_________________________________________________________________________

To the Admissions Office,

I was very excited to learn of my acceptance to Brooklyn Law School. It is at the top of my list of potential law schools and has been ever since I began researching my options. The strong alumni network, the rigorous academic program, and the ideal location in the heart of New York City offer an incredible opportunity which I sincerely hope to take advantage of in the fall.

I would also like to thank the admissions committee for the merit scholarship that I was awarded. Since I will be receiving no assistance financing my legal education, the issue of debt is central to my decision of where to attend law school. To date I have received scholarship offers from every school to which I have been admitted, including St. John’s University for $42,200 per year and the University of Minnesota for $20,000 per year.

Although Brooklyn Law School remains my top choice, I simply cannot justify the financial commitment when more competitive offers have been made. According to my calculations, the total debt after three years at Brooklyn Law School would amount to $106,680. In contrast, the estimated debt from St. John’s University would amount to $66,651 and that of University of Minnesota would be between $80,690 and $94,899, depending on whether I would be able to obtain Minnesota residency. These figures include tuition plus the cost of living and assume that I retain my scholarship awards through graduation.

While I genuinely desire to study and work in Brooklyn, it would be irresponsible to allow these inclinations to outweigh the financial considerations outlined above. For this reason, I humbly request that your office consider me for additional merit-based aid.

I would also like to remind the Admissions Office that deposit deadlines are only weeks away. Therefore, a prompt decision in this matter would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,
ME

I like all but the last sentence honestly. Has an arrogant feel to it.

Perhaps: "With the seat deposit deadline rapidly approaching, I would greatly appreciate to hear from you as soon as (conveniently?) possible. Thank you for your time/consideration."

[nireca]

I like all but the last sentence honestly. Has an arrogant feel to it.

Perhaps: "With the seat deposit deadline rapidly approaching, I would greatly appreciate to hear from you as soon as (conveniently?) possible. Thank you for your time/consideration."

totally agree. i was thinking the same thing myself. will rework it and repost.

EDIT: here is the revised draft:

To the Admissions Office,

I was very excited to learn of my acceptance to Brooklyn Law School. It is at the top of my list of potential law schools and has been ever since I began researching my options. The strong alumni network, the rigorous academic program, and the ideal location in the heart of New York City offer an incredible opportunity which I sincerely hope to take advantage of in the fall.

I would also like to thank the admissions committee for the merit scholarship I was awarded. Since I will be receiving no assistance financing my legal education, the issue of debt is central to my decision of where to attend law school. To date I have received scholarship offers from every school to which I have been admitted, including St. John’s University for $42,200 per year and the University of Minnesota for $20,000 per year.

Although Brooklyn Law School remains my top choice, I simply cannot justify the financial commitment when more competitive offers have been made. According to my calculations, the total debt after three years at Brooklyn Law School would amount to $106,680. In contrast, the estimated debt from St. John’s University would amount to $66,651 and that of University of Minnesota would be between $80,690 and $94,899, depending on whether I would be able to obtain Minnesota residency. These figures include tuition plus the cost of living and assume that I retain my scholarship awards through graduation.

While I genuinely desire to study and work in Brooklyn, it would be irresponsible to allow these inclinations to outweigh the financial considerations outlined above. For this reason, I humbly request that your office consider me for additional merit-based aid.

With seat deposit deadlines only weeks away, a prompt decision in this matter would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,
Steve Zissou