Tough Scholarship Negotiation Letter Forum

[MCRemix]

Tough letter because there are three different issues to negotiate, I'd like some feedback on how it sounds.

Background is that I was offered minimal money for the PT program at my local T4 with 10% stips and no availability for summer courses. Planning to attend there for family reasons, but I need to squeeze a better scholarship offer out of them. So here's my first draft:

Dear Admissions Office,

I was very excited to learn about my acceptance into YOUR SCHOOL School of Law, as it is at the top of my list of potential law schools. I was enthused after speaking with PT DEAN about the evening program and as I intend to practice in YOUR CITY after graduation, I am excited about being a part of the YOUR SCHOOL student community. I would also like to thank the admissions committee for the merit scholarship that I was awarded.

As I do not anticipate being eligible for need based grants and will be the primary provider for my family throughout law school, merit aid availability will play a crucial role in my decision. To date I have received scholarship offers from REGIONAL T2 for $XX,000 per year, REGIONAL T1 for $XX,000 per year, and several other schools at full or majority tuition.

While YOUR SCHOOL remains my top choice, the financial obligations of providing for a family require that I give serious consideration to these offers. That being said, I am requesting that I be considered for additional merit aid and the possibility of applying funds to summer sessions as well. Additional funds and flexibility in using them would make my decision much easier, since YOUR SCHOOL is where I want to attend Law School.

Additionally, I appreciate the potential that the admissions committee sees in me and am very confident in my abilities, however, law school is a very competitive endeavor and I am concerned about the requirement for placing in the top 10% of the class. While I understand the school’s need to retain funds for the most deserving students, a somewhat more lenient stipulation would go a long way towards assuring me that I was making the right choice with YOUR SCHOOL.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my requests and I look forward to hearing back from you soon. If you should have any questions, please feel free to contact me at PHONE or EMAIL.

Sincerely,

ME

[hipstermafia]

top 10% stipulation!!?!?! that is crazy talk.

(on the school's part)

[CanadianWolf]

Too wordy. The first paragraph works against you a bit more than it helps your cause.

[MCRemix]

Too wordy. The first paragraph works against you a bit more than it helps your cause.

Everytime I look at it it just looks overly long, but I'm not sure what is tossable yet.

What do you read into the first paragraph that isn't jiving, too much preference for the school?

[Vertigo963]

Does this help?


Dear Admissions Office,

I was very excited to learn of my acceptance to YOUR SCHOOL School of Law, as I had an excellent conversation with PT DEAN about the evening program and intend to practice in YOUR CITY after graduation. YOUR SCHOOL is at the top of my list of potential law schools.

I would also like to thank the admissions committee for the merit scholarship that I was awarded. Because I do not anticipate being eligible for need-based grants and will be the primary provider for my family throughout the year during law school, the availability of merit aid will play a significant role in my decision. To date I have received scholarship offers from REGIONAL T2 for $XX,000 per year, REGIONAL T1 for $XX,000 per year, and several other schools at full or majority tuition. RESPECTFULLY MENTION LACK OF STIPULATIONS IN SUCH OFFERS HERE.

While YOUR SCHOOL remains my top choice, the year-round financial obligations of providing for a family require that I give serious consideration to these offers. Accordingly, I would respectfully ask that I be considered for additional merit aid, and that such funds be applicable to summer sessions as well. Additional funds and flexibility in using them would make my decision much easier, since YOUR SCHOOL is where I want to attend law school.

Additionally, while I appreciate the admissions committee's confidence in my abilities, I am concerned about the requirement for placing in the top 10% of the class. I intend to devote myself conscientiously to my studies, and I understand the school’s need to retain funds for the most deserving students, but a moderate relaxation of this stipulation would go a long way towards assuring me of the soundness of my decision.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my requests. I look forward to hearing back from you soon. If you should have any questions, please feel free to contact me at PHONE or EMAIL.

Sincerely,

YOU

It's wordy, but you've got a lot to say. I'm not sure it could sound nice and be much shorter.

[Moxie]

It's such a long letter considering you only have two simple requests: 1) getting rid of the top 10% stipulation, 2) getting more money. I'm always a fan of shorter as being better, and I wrote a very brief letter last year to a few schools when I negotiated aid (although I can't for the life of me find it on my computer right now )

On a semi-off topic note, don't attend with that 10% stipulation. I'm sure you're capable of placing that high in your class, but the top 10% stipulation is setting you up for financial disaster.

My thoughts:

Does this help?
Dear Admissions Office,

I was very excited to learn of my acceptance to YOUR SCHOOL School of Law, as I had an excellent conversation with PT DEAN about the evening program and intend to practice in YOUR CITY after graduation. YOUR SCHOOL is at the top of my list of potential law schools.

I would also like to thank the admissions committee for the merit scholarship that I was awarded.Because I do not anticipate being eligible for need-based grants and will be the primary provider for my family throughout the year during law school, the availability of merit aid will play a significant role in my decision. To date I have received scholarship offers from REGIONAL T2 for $XX,000 per year, REGIONAL T1 for $XX,000 per year, and several other schools at full or majority tuition. RESPECTFULLY MENTION LACK OF STIPULATIONS IN SUCH OFFERS HERE.

While YOUR SCHOOL remains my top choice, the year-round financial obligations of providing for a family require that I give serious consideration to these offers. Accordingly, I would respectfully ask that I be considered for additional merit aid, and that such funds be applicable to summer sessions as well. Additional funds and flexibility in using them would make my decision much easier, since YOUR SCHOOL is where I want to attend law school.

Additionally, while I appreciate the admissions committee's confidence in my abilities, I am concerned about the requirement for placing in the top 10% of the class. I intend to devote myself conscientiously to my studies, and I understand the school’s need to retain funds for the most deserving students, but(and) a moderate relaxation of this stipulation would go a long way towards assuring me of the soundness of my decision.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my requests. I look forward to hearing back from you soon. If you should have any questions, please feel free to contact me at PHONE or EMAIL.

Sincerely,

YOU

It's wordy, but you've got a lot to say. I'm not sure it could sound nice and be much shorter.

[joemoviebuff]

I wouldn't even ask for a "moderate relaxation" of the stip. I'd ask them to remove it entirely.

[smittelman6]

I wouldn't even ask for a "moderate relaxation" of the stip. I'd ask them to remove it entirely.

i agree with this, although i am working on mine now and don't have much experience-- the worst they could do is say no, and the best they could do is remove it. they'll probably just lower it at best anyway, but if you don't ask, it definitely won't happen.

ps-- great letter, thanks for posting. i really had no idea where to even begin.

[MCRemix]

Thanks all, I took the comments and suggested changes into account and emailed the request in today. Hopefully it goes in my favor!