Would anyone mind critiquing my DS for next cycle? Forum

[Atmosphere]

Rough draft, but I'd love for someone to check it out and let me know what they think.
Thank you!


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Up until the first fateful day of middle school, I felt fully content and comfortable with my interests. Being accustomed to the semi-diverse environment of my elementary school, I was suddenly surrounded by an overwhelming majority of suburban white students. Being one of the three brown faces on the campus, I felt uneasy. Spying a symbol I recognized, I fearlessly approached an older student and commented on his Blink-182 band shirt. The student responded by wrinkling his nose and appearing confused, loudly stating that I liked ‘white’ music and was thereby ‘white-washed’.

White-washed. I rolled the word around on my tongue, confused as to its meaning. I soon came to learn that if one failed to adhere to the flawed conception of a monolithic black culture, one was white-washed. Don’t enjoy hip-hop? White-washed. Fail to speak with the twang of Ebonics? White-washed. I was perplexed, was it not enough to know the history and struggles of black Americans to be regarded as authentically black, or must I also subscribe to the damaging stereotypes that the world has ascribed to black Americans? What those who question my racial authenticity fail to analyze is what lies beneath the surface: the multitude of unique life experiences that have resulted in the person I am today.

I have been fortunate enough to have traveled the world extensively, immersing myself in a wide variety of cultures, ranging from China to the United Kingdom. Each of the awe-inducing countries I’ve visited have left an indelible mark on my personality in their own way. Each experience, whether positive or negative, have affirmed my unwavering belief in the value of diversity and multicultural exposure. Although many people in my past have tried to pigeon-hole my personality into what they believe is that of a ‘typical’ black male, my heritage, interests, relationships, and travel experiences are what have compounded to shape my worldview. As the Spanish-speaking, punk-rock enthusiast son of a Jamaican immigrant, I remain committed to the ideal that no singular characteristic should ever be relied upon to define an individual.

[AOT]

Rough draft, but I'd love for someone to check it out and let me know what they think.
Thank you!


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Up until the first fateful day of middle school hyperbole? , I felt fully content and comfortable with my interests. Being accustomed to the semi-diverse environment of my elementary school, I was suddenly surrounded by an overwhelming majority of suburban white students. Being try not to use the same word twice at the start of a sentenceone of the three brown faces on the campus, I felt uneasy. Spying a symbol I recognized, I fearlessly approached an older student and commented on his Blink-182 band shirt. The student responded by wrinkling his nose and appearing confused, loudly stating that I liked ‘white’ music and was thereby ‘white-washed’.

White-washed. I rolled the word around on my tongue, confused as to its meaning. I soon came to learn that if one failed to adhere to the flawed conception of a monolithic black culture, one was white-washed. Don’t enjoy hip-hop? White-washed. Fail to speak with the twang of Ebonics? White-washed. I was perplexed, was it not enough to know the history and struggles of black Americans to be regarded as authentically black I think that's obviously not enough - unless only black people know about our history and struggles?, or must I also subscribe to the damaging stereotypes that the world has ascribed to black Americans? What those who question my racial authenticity fail to analyze is what lies beneath the surface: the multitude of unique life experiences that have resulted in the person I am today.

I have been fortunate enough to have traveled the world extensively, immersing myself in a wide variety of cultures, ranging from China to the United Kingdom. Each of the awe-inducing countries really? I’ve visited have left an indelible mark on my personality in their own way. Each experience, whether positive or negative, have affirmed my unwavering belief in the value of diversity and multicultural exposure. Although many people in my past have tried to pigeon-hole my personality into what they believe is that of a ‘typical’ black male, my heritage, interests, relationships, and travel experiences are what have compounded to shape my worldview. As the Spanish-speaking, punk-rock enthusiast son of a Jamaican immigrant, I remain committed to the ideal that no singular characteristic should ever be relied upon to define an individual.

Thought I'd give a couple of comments on what stood out to me. Am in no way an expert on diversity statements, so only take them seriously if you agree!

[Atmosphere]

Thank you! That actually really helps, I don't know how I didn't catch how corny some of those sentences were, I appreciate it!

[happy2014]

"subscribe to the damaging stereotypes that the world has ascribed to black Americans?"


Before you mention that line you say, "Don’t enjoy hip-hop? White-washed. Fail to speak with the twang of Ebonics? White-washed."


This is your diversity statement from your perspective. However, I would move away from asserting that enjoying hip hop or speaking "ebonics"/non-standard English is "subscribing" to damaging stereotypes. A lot of white teenagers listen to hip hop. Are they ascribing to damaging stereotypes? Just doesn't make sense.

Honestly, these essays are about diversity but your DS, in my opinion, does not set you apart. This is a typical essay about the black student who is the "other" and not like the "smudged black" who listens to hip-hop, loves African-American history, is "too black" etc. (Proud to say I identify with the latter) We have all had those experiences of being labeled as "white" but I don't think it's the strongest diversity statement you can make to a law school admissions committee.

You mentioned you are Jamaican. Elaborate on that. Did your family emigrate? How about your parents? New culture. What did you learn? How did it make you stronger? Why does this aspect of your background make you qualified and prepared to offer a new perspective in a Harvard Law class? Stand out and avoid making controversial statements such as the one above.

[wlee1220]

I agree with the poster ahead of me...I would be more interested in hearing about your experiences/perspectives as the son of a Jamaican immigrant than about how you aren't a stereotypical black man.

[applelover]

I like happy's suggestion. It would be more interesting if you write about some of the lessons you learned as the child of an immigrant or how being the child of an immigrant impacted your life.

Or you could combine both. The lessons could be your intro and then you could then go into how you're the child of a Jamaican immigrant and how those lessons helped you.