Male AA, 3.5 GPA Pending LSAT, prior military statement

[FairchildFLT]

Anyone willing to edit my diversity statement?

I understand that there are many people whose life experiences will add more diversity to the University of Texas law school. However, I would like to take this opportunity to share something that adds uniqueness to my application and is important to my decision to pursue law school. My view of the world is derived from much more than a viewpoint based off the color of my skin. Diversity is much more than how you are born; it is about what you do to both better yourself, and the group you represent. Everything I do in life is about making it clear to my son and daughter that no matter who you are, you can go anywhere in life. I’ve grown up as a biracial male, seeing the world from the viewpoints of both an African American and Caucasian upbringing. This has given me the opportunity to help show my children there is nothing out there to stop them.
I grew up as a military brat, attending schools all over the United States and overseas. I’ve been everywhere from Texas to as far west as California, and as far away as Germany and Turkey. As a young man, I had all the propulsion, but none of the direction required to do anything with my opportunities. I was a straight A student, I played varsity sports and was a member of organizations such as Student Leadership and National Honor Society. However, I never felt challenged throughout my academic career. I decided high school was not where I was meant to be. At the time my parents were not very supportive of this decision, so I ended up leaving home to pursue my own ends. I spent a year selling newspaper subscriptions door to door to make enough money to eat, and living on the myriad couches of my friends. Eventually I found my way home, and after earning my GED I enrolled at my local community college at the age of sixteen. I spent two semesters there before joining the United States Air Force the day I turned seventeen.
While serving in the United States Air Force I married my sweet-heart from high school, and found my reason for pursuing success. Knowing that my service has given me the opportunity to provide for my wife and now also my children is my greatest motivation. I’ve now served in the Air Force for four years, and I’ve managed to attend college full time for the majority of my time while serving on active duty. I’ve maintained a 3.5 grade point average while juggling both my family and military service. I’ve been able to stay even with my traditional college attending peers, while taking on more responsibility than many of them have ever had to deal with. Without these hurdles in my life, I would never have galvanized such a desire to succeed and excel, in order to provide for my family.
My ultimate goal is to show my children that no matter your road in life, hard work will allow you to succeed. No matter your skin color, no matter what you’ve been through, the only one who decides your ability to succeed is you. This is the attitude I will contribute to the classroom, while also exhibiting professionalism and the drive required to be competitive. Law school is another challenge in life that I look forward to attacking head on, and I thank you for the opportunity to begin this challenge.

[sunsheyen]

I'm not trying to be a jerk, but a couple things that might help your post.

Label it appropriately. "Feedback on Diversity Statement" or something similar would work. That way people dont just ignore the post. The current topic seems almost like a "What are my chances" thread with a missing LSAT, which would be a completely useless post. You also should post this in the Personal statement section of the forum. HTH

[Atmosphere]

I'm not trying to be a jerk, but a couple things that might help your post.

Label it appropriately. "Feedback on Diversity Statement" or something similar would work. That way people dont just ignore the post. The current topic seems almost like a "What are my chances" thread with a missing LSAT, which would be a completely useless post. You also should post this in the Personal statement section of the forum. HTH

[FairchildFLT]

I'm not trying to be a jerk, but a couple things that might help your post.

Label it appropriately. "Feedback on Diversity Statement" or something similar would work. That way people dont just ignore the post. The current topic seems almost like a "What are my chances" thread with a missing LSAT, which would be a completely useless post. You also should post this in the Personal statement section of the forum. HTH

Hey thanks for the feedback, and no offense taken. This is not my personal statement, it was my diversity statement. Should I still post it in personal statement section? I thought it would be more of a URM thing.

[sunsheyen]

The personal statement forum works for feedback on all of the different writings required for apps. Good for grammar/spelling (basic tech stuff), ideas about things to flesh out/enhance or remove, whether it is scattered etc. Most posts I've seen here about diversity statements are more about topic than review of the entire thing. Like "should I write about my religion as opposed to race or single parent status" etc.

Now on topic, honestly, I dont think the biracial thing has much going on in this piece. The mention of race kind of seems like a throw in, like "oh, I am a minority, fyi." I personally think that the "diverse" portion of your life (as opposed to most applicants) would be the early age of being out of the house, on your own, getting GED, military. Play up that independence, determination to succeed that has led you here even without traditional support/lifestyle. A good old fashioned bootstraps story, America at its best, complete with service to country. Make 'em shed a tear LOL.

[FairchildFLT]

The personal statement forum works for feedback on all of the different writings required for apps. Good for grammar/spelling (basic tech stuff), ideas about things to flesh out/enhance or remove, whether it is scattered etc. Most posts I've seen here about diversity statements are more about topic than review of the entire thing. Like "should I write about my religion as opposed to race or single parent status" etc.

Now on topic, honestly, I dont think the biracial thing has much going on in this piece. The mention of race kind of seems like a throw in, like "oh, I am a minority, fyi." I personally think that the "diverse" portion of your life (as opposed to most applicants) would be the early age of being out of the house, on your own, getting GED, military. Play up that independence, determination to succeed that has led you here even without traditional support/lifestyle. A good old fashioned bootstraps story, America at its best, complete with service to country. Make 'em shed a tear LOL.

Again, thanks for the feedback. I'll start workshopping this and then get it reposted in the right forum. Thanks!