Would anyone be willing to provide some feedback on my DS? Forum

[PC Richards]

Deleted.

[okaygo]

Personally, I'm not a fan. You are a pretty excellent writer, and this essay makes an interesting dissection of the whole 'post racial society' mantra but I have a couple of qualms with it:

1) Did it really take you until your college years at an internship to realize that we don't live in a post racial society? That seems unrealistic, and the whole 'before this moment I didn't realize' reads very generic and exaggerated.

2) I learned nothing about you in this statement. At all. As an adcomm I want to hear more about what you bring to my law school that can add in its diversity- and understanding that we don't live in a post racial society does nothing. What can you provide, uniquely, that makes your diverse background a necessity?

3) all that background info about Baker is too excessive. They make the adcomm want to consider admitting him, not you.

[PC Richards]

Personally, I'm not a fan. You are a pretty excellent writer, and this essay makes an interesting dissection of the whole 'post racial society' mantra but I have a couple of qualms with it:

1) Did it really take you until your college years at an internship to realize that we don't live in a post racial society? That seems unrealistic, and the whole 'before this moment I didn't realize' reads very generic and exaggerated.

2) I learned nothing about you in this statement. At all. As an adcomm I want to hear more about what you bring to my law school that can add in its diversity- and understanding that we don't live in a post racial society does nothing. What can you provide, uniquely, that makes your diverse background a necessity?

3) all that background info about Baker is too excessive. They make the adcomm want to consider admitting him, not you.

Thanks a lot for your feedback. I definitely agree with all of your points. If anything, that conversation was more so just reaffirmation of what I already believed to be true, so I really need to change the wording. I will say that I tended to mitigate the role of race in some social issues in my earlier years, but nowhere near the extent to which this essay suggests.

You're also right that the statement says absolutely nothing about me besides some conclusions that I've drawn and extrapolated from one conversation. I'll make sure to tie it in to more personal experiences during my revision process, as well as taking out the excessive information about Baker.

[okaygo]

Have you read some of the other DSs that are floating on TLS?

[PC Richards]

I've seen a few, but I think I'll need to read more in order to get a better understanding of what direction to go with mine.

[coolbean2013]

Personally, I'm not a fan. You are a pretty excellent writer, and this essay makes an interesting dissection of the whole 'post racial society' mantra but I have a couple of qualms with it:

1) Did it really take you until your college years at an internship to realize that we don't live in a post racial society? That seems unrealistic, and the whole 'before this moment I didn't realize' reads very generic and exaggerated.

2) I learned nothing about you in this statement. At all. As an adcomm I want to hear more about what you bring to my law school that can add in its diversity- and understanding that we don't live in a post racial society does nothing. What can you provide, uniquely, that makes your diverse background a necessity?

3) all that background info about Baker is too excessive. They make the adcomm want to consider admitting him, not you.

This. I really didn't learn about you from this personal statement. It's well written, but you really need to keep the focus on how you will bring diversity to the law schools you're applying to.