Please Critique My DS (Attempt 6) Forum

[Knock]

Hey guys, first off PLEASE DO NOT QUOTE THIS ESSAY IN SUBSEQUENT POSTS. It obviously would out me to any adcomms later on down the road when i'm applying, so i'm going to be editing it out in a few days. If you want to critique via quoting and then editing something, please PM me. Thanks guys, I appreciate it.

I've had a lot of trouble writing it, but I read a post today from LAWLAW09 that helped me figure some stuff out. Anyways, this is my first draft, so please feel free to tear it up, be harsh, whatever you like. I'd really appreciate some feedback. It's about a page, please let me know if this is the appropriate length for a DS, as i'm unsure if there is a limit, but i've heard 1 page thrown around a lot.

Edited

[James Bond]

wait and get the new one. it's 3D

[Knock]

wait and get the new one. it's 3D

Meant to reply to another thread I think?

[James Bond]

wait and get the new one. it's 3D

Meant to reply to another thread I think?

nah

[Knock]

wait and get the new one. it's 3D

Meant to reply to another thread I think?

nah

Oh lol . Not really helpful as it pertains to my post, but i'll take the free bump.

[Sh@keNb@ke]

wait and get the new one. it's 3D

Meant to reply to another thread I think?

nah

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[kmarks]

I really like your childhood story about the president, it seems like a good "hook"/"look at me, I'm personable!" start to your essay. Especially since the first two sentences come off a tad pretentious

Also, I'm kind of unclear how accepting an LGBT member has anything to do with you being Mexican-Jewish. I understand that you're open-minded but maybe a quick link between the two could be good.

[Cupidity]

This DS sucks hard.

Throw out, start over.

Narrower and Deeper

You talk about too much bullshit that I don't care about, and you don't make me care about it. Pick one thing, race, religion, a single experience in your life and tell me all about it.

[nextplay43]

/

[Emma.]

12AngryMen: You really didn't get the part about not quoting the actual essay? I do agree with you though, that "unique" is an awful word, and especially overused in DS essays. Sure your perspective is unique, OP, but isn't everyone's?

I do like the overall theme and the fact that you are actually working to address the "question" that most schools have as the prompt for their DS. I don't think it is enough in these essays to tell a story about your background. I think it is important to address how you are going to bring this background into the classroom and actually enrich the learning environment of your school. In that regard I think you are definitely on the right track.

[TommyK]

It rubs me the wrong way, too. Especially when you said that part that the idea of a brown man being president first entered their heads. It was just way over the top.

Come on, man - you must have had more striking examples of how your race/religion shaped who you are.

[Knock]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. It looks overall, this was a poor effort, and i'm going to have to do some significant rewrites and edits. I have work today but i'll try and have a second draft by this weekend.

The DS is giving me a good amount of trouble. As relatively light skinned and middle class, I haven't faced much racial adversity. If anyone can give me any tips or advice on how I can tackle this beast, it would be much appreciated.

I'm going to try and go narrow and deeper on the next draft, and make sure not to come off as pretentious or rub anyone the wrong way. Thanks everyone.

And 12angrymen, could you please delete your post. I tried to be clear about not quoting my essay.

[TommyK]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. It looks overall, this was a poor effort, and i'm going to have to do some significant rewrites and edits. I have work today but i'll try and have a second draft by this weekend.

The DS is giving me a good amount of trouble. As relavitely light skinned and middel class, I haven't faced much racial adversity. If anyone can give me any tips or advice on how I can tackle this beast, it would be much appreciated.

I'm going to try and go narrow and deeper on the next draft, and make sure not to come off as pretentious or rub anyone the wrong way. Thanks everyone.

Well, you might be middle class, but there's some solid shit to draw from here. You're half jewish, but are half mexican - there has to be some friction there, with Mexicans being largely Catholic. You're half-mexican, half-white - you're probably lighter than most mexicans and darker than most whites - how has that created a sense of being "othered" by both ethnic groups? Has it caused you to grow up with a unique perspective and how would it affect your perception of legal arguments? How would it enrich the classroom discussion?

[Knock]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. It looks overall, this was a poor effort, and i'm going to have to do some significant rewrites and edits. I have work today but i'll try and have a second draft by this weekend.

The DS is giving me a good amount of trouble. As relavitely light skinned and middel class, I haven't faced much racial adversity. If anyone can give me any tips or advice on how I can tackle this beast, it would be much appreciated.

I'm going to try and go narrow and deeper on the next draft, and make sure not to come off as pretentious or rub anyone the wrong way. Thanks everyone.

Well, you might be middle class, but there's some solid shit to draw from here. You're half jewish, but are half mexican - there has to be some friction there, with Mexicans being largely Catholic. You're half-mexican, half-white - you're probably lighter than most mexicans and darker than most whites - how has that created a sense of being "othered" by both ethnic groups? Has it caused you to grow up with a unique perspective and how would it affect your perception of legal arguments? How would it enrich the classroom discussion?

Thanks, this is really great and helpful. But my trouble is how would I show those things would provide diversity in the classroom? Or do I not need to touch upon that? It seems like a lot to squeeze into 400 words. Should I just focus on my personal diversity, and not relate it back to the classroom and make the assumption that my diversity will provide diversity in the classroom?

[Emma.]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. It looks overall, this was a poor effort, and i'm going to have to do some significant rewrites and edits. I have work today but i'll try and have a second draft by this weekend.

The DS is giving me a good amount of trouble. As relavitely light skinned and middel class, I haven't faced much racial adversity. If anyone can give me any tips or advice on how I can tackle this beast, it would be much appreciated.

I'm going to try and go narrow and deeper on the next draft, and make sure not to come off as pretentious or rub anyone the wrong way. Thanks everyone.

Well, you might be middle class, but there's some solid shit to draw from here. You're half jewish, but are half mexican - there has to be some friction there, with Mexicans being largely Catholic. You're half-mexican, half-white - you're probably lighter than most mexicans and darker than most whites - how has that created a sense of being "othered" by both ethnic groups? Has it caused you to grow up with a unique perspective and how would it affect your perception of legal arguments? How would it enrich the classroom discussion?

Thanks, this is really great and helpful. But my trouble is how would I show those things would provide diversity in the classroom? Or do I not need to touch upon that? It seems like a lot to squeeze into 400 words. Should I just focus on my personal diversity, and not relate it back to the classroom and make the assumption that my diversity will provide diversity in the classroom?

I think TommyK's advice is great, but I think the bolded would be a mistake.

[Knock]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. It looks overall, this was a poor effort, and i'm going to have to do some significant rewrites and edits. I have work today but i'll try and have a second draft by this weekend.

The DS is giving me a good amount of trouble. As relavitely light skinned and middel class, I haven't faced much racial adversity. If anyone can give me any tips or advice on how I can tackle this beast, it would be much appreciated.

I'm going to try and go narrow and deeper on the next draft, and make sure not to come off as pretentious or rub anyone the wrong way. Thanks everyone.

Well, you might be middle class, but there's some solid shit to draw from here. You're half jewish, but are half mexican - there has to be some friction there, with Mexicans being largely Catholic. You're half-mexican, half-white - you're probably lighter than most mexicans and darker than most whites - how has that created a sense of being "othered" by both ethnic groups? Has it caused you to grow up with a unique perspective and how would it affect your perception of legal arguments? How would it enrich the classroom discussion?

Okay, thank you. It's going to be challenging to include all that in only one page, but i'll try.
Thanks, this is really great and helpful. But my trouble is how would I show those things would provide diversity in the classroom? Or do I not need to touch upon that? It seems like a lot to squeeze into 400 words. Should I just focus on my personal diversity, and not relate it back to the classroom and make the assumption that my diversity will provide diversity in the classroom?

I think TommyK's advice is great, but I think the bolded would be a mistake.

Thanks, it definitely seems challenging to produce this great DS that explains my background and how it would contribute to the diversity of the classroom in only a single page. I'll have to figure out a way.

[TommyK]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. It looks overall, this was a poor effort, and i'm going to have to do some significant rewrites and edits. I have work today but i'll try and have a second draft by this weekend.

The DS is giving me a good amount of trouble. As relavitely light skinned and middel class, I haven't faced much racial adversity. If anyone can give me any tips or advice on how I can tackle this beast, it would be much appreciated.

I'm going to try and go narrow and deeper on the next draft, and make sure not to come off as pretentious or rub anyone the wrong way. Thanks everyone.

Well, you might be middle class, but there's some solid shit to draw from here. You're half jewish, but are half mexican - there has to be some friction there, with Mexicans being largely Catholic. You're half-mexican, half-white - you're probably lighter than most mexicans and darker than most whites - how has that created a sense of being "othered" by both ethnic groups? Has it caused you to grow up with a unique perspective and how would it affect your perception of legal arguments? How would it enrich the classroom discussion?

Thanks, this is really great and helpful. But my trouble is how would I show those things would provide diversity in the classroom? Or do I not need to touch upon that? It seems like a lot to squeeze into 400 words. Should I just focus on my personal diversity, and not relate it back to the classroom and make the assumption that my diversity will provide diversity in the classroom?

Man, I'm jealous of the opportunity you have. I bet you have some weekend where you went to a bar mitzvah one day and then a first communion another day for the other side of your family, a jewish wedding with a fuckin' pinata, mazel tovs and feliz compleanas all around. You could whip up a quick narrative and then say something about how your multi-cultural exposure has given you a unique perspective on American life, the ideas of fairness and justice, and you look forward to adding depth and context to THE Thomas M. Cooley School Of Law Classes.

[Knock]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. It looks overall, this was a poor effort, and i'm going to have to do some significant rewrites and edits. I have work today but i'll try and have a second draft by this weekend.

The DS is giving me a good amount of trouble. As relavitely light skinned and middel class, I haven't faced much racial adversity. If anyone can give me any tips or advice on how I can tackle this beast, it would be much appreciated.

I'm going to try and go narrow and deeper on the next draft, and make sure not to come off as pretentious or rub anyone the wrong way. Thanks everyone.

Well, you might be middle class, but there's some solid shit to draw from here. You're half jewish, but are half mexican - there has to be some friction there, with Mexicans being largely Catholic. You're half-mexican, half-white - you're probably lighter than most mexicans and darker than most whites - how has that created a sense of being "othered" by both ethnic groups? Has it caused you to grow up with a unique perspective and how would it affect your perception of legal arguments? How would it enrich the classroom discussion?

Thanks, this is really great and helpful. But my trouble is how would I show those things would provide diversity in the classroom? Or do I not need to touch upon that? It seems like a lot to squeeze into 400 words. Should I just focus on my personal diversity, and not relate it back to the classroom and make the assumption that my diversity will provide diversity in the classroom?

Man, I'm jealous of the opportunity you have. I bet you have some weekend where you went to a bar mitzvah one day and then a first communion another day for the other side of your family, a jewish wedding with a fuckin' pinata, mazel tovs and feliz compleanas all around. You could whip up a quick narrative and then say something about how your multi-cultural exposure has given you a unique perspective on American life, the ideas of fairness and justice, and you look forward to adding depth and context to THE Thomas M. Cooley School Of Law Classes.

LMAO man...too funny. But in seriousness, that's a good idea. I might be able to write a decent narrative about how being multi cultural has given me a unique perspective (although avoiding the word "unique" as i've heard in this thread). I'll try and produce something for you guys to critique again. Hopefully it will be a little bit stronger.

[esq]

If you really think that you should start over, then start over. I agree with many of the posters here, though, and really think that your main issue is that there is not much explanation behind your statements. You say that being a Mexican/Jewish-American gives you a unique viewpoint, but then you fail to substantiate this conclusion with a reasonable premise. You believe you are less vested in society which allows you to, basically, think outside of the status quo box, but there is no explaining as to why you are less vested and/or less status quo in thought process. As 12angry seems to point out, because you fail to give any details as to why you would necessarily be more associated with Mexican-American thought process and identity, you might come off to admissions as a Jewish kid from a privileged family; you give them no reason to think otherwise.

I think that rather than scrapping it though, you simply need to build your premise. Build your initial claim to uniqueness in thought through detail that shows this is so, detail that connects you with your Mexican-American background, and then everything else will follow much more clearly (including your bit about a Mexican president).

[Knock]

Thanks for the feedback. I think I have some okay ideas how to alter my DS. I'm at work right now though, but I can't wait to make a second draft.

[Emma.]

Thanks for the feedback. I think I have some okay ideas how to alter my DS. I'm at work right now though, but I can't wait to make a second draft.

Was any of that stuff I PMed you useful?

[Knock]

Thanks for the feedback. I think I have some okay ideas how to alter my DS. I'm at work right now though, but I can't wait to make a second draft.

Was any of that stuff I PMed you useful?

Yes, it was extremely helpful. Sorry I didn't respond but I'm TLSing at work from by BBery lol. But yeah it definitely helped me, and I really enjoyed your DS, and thought it was very well written. When I get off I'll shoot you a more specific response PM. I appreciate the help, and hope you will be willing to check out my next draft.

[Knock]

So here's attempt number 2. I scrapped it before I even finished . I am truly struggling with this. I'm going to try and write another new one tonight, we'll see how that goes .

[Emma.]

So here's attempt number 2. I scrapped it before I even finished . I am truly struggling with this. I'm going to try and write another new one tonight, we'll see how that goes .

I'm sure you want to get this stuff done and finished with, but you have time. Don't try to rush it. Everyone has a different method for writing, but for me it took weeks to get my essays done, and especially towards the end I would go a whole day just messing with individual words. It was a slow, frustrating process.

[Knock]

So here's attempt number 2. I scrapped it before I even finished . I am truly struggling with this. I'm going to try and write another new one tonight, we'll see how that goes .

I'm sure you want to get this stuff done and finished with, but you have time. Don't try to rush it. Everyone has a different method for writing, but for me it took weeks to get my essays done, and especially towards the end I would go a whole day just messing with individual words. It was a slow, frustrating process.

Thanks man, I appreciate the support. I'm already stressing over the applications, and all the "apply early" advice, so i'm trying to get everything in nice and early, but you're right, sometimes you can't rush it.

Anyways, I've spent the last few hours writing a second attempt, which I scrapped, and now a third draft, which I think may be worth keeping and not tossing like the last two, but I would like some feedback. The last paragrah definitely needs to be fleshed out more, but I was getting tired. You can kind of get what i'm going to wrap up at, how my diversity would enrich the law school class and community.

Thanks for any feedback I get, even if it's "This DS sucks hard again" because that's all part of the process in my book, and I would like to write a solid, genuine DS. Again, please do not quote, thank you.

Edit: This obviously needs a lot of work, and it might suck hard and I still might toss it, but I want to get some feedback first.

Edited for sucking