Please Critique My DS (Attempt 6) Forum

[TommyK]

It doesn't feel like this is your style, man. It feels like you're trying to write too academically. I would sacrifice complexity of sentence structure for ease of reading and accessibility. Try some other phrasing, try writing it in present tense to see if you could do it that way.

I don't care for the sentence "As it turns out, not fully identifying...", or the subsequent sentence. I like what you're trying to do here though. Just not a fan of the phrasing. I think "as it turns out" is a weak phrase that doesn't add content.

I guess most of all, while it's getting better, it just isn't as gripping as it could be. Did you have a bar mitzvah? or a first communion? Was there an event at either that expressed the duality of your identity? Right now, you're talking about one identity and how your other group would treat you about it, and then another part of your identity and how the opposite group would be respond. I think it would be more powerful if you talked about one event that encapsulated the perceived conflict between your two identities - like (and I know this is silly, but i don't know your backstory) - wearing a yamakah on the way to synagogue the Saturday before the sunday of your first communion, having a traditional mexican dinner with pork as the dinner for your bar mitzvah, a family member giving you a first communion card that says "Barukh ata Adonai Eloheinu melekh ha‑olam"... Then you could springboard from this to talk about how this disconnect between two of the most important facets of your identity has caused you to feel separated from the majority, but also not completely at home in either of the two minority groups.

[Knock]

Thanks TommyK, your feedback is truly invaluable.

Here is my fourth attempt.

What do you guys think? am I getting better, worse? toss it, keep it? Thanks. It's a really rough draft so mainly focus on big picture stuff for now, how it is overall, etc.

Edited for sucking again.

[dominkay]

This one has some grammatical issues, but they're beside the point. Your sentences are too winding. You're using too many commas. I liked Attempt 3 better, honestly.

[Knock]

This one has some grammatical issues, but they're beside the point. Your sentences are too winding. You're using too many commas. I liked Attempt 3 better, honestly.

In terms of content or the main idea though? I can fix the grammatical stuff

[bleu]

--ImageRemoved--

[Knock]

--ImageRemoved--

[dominkay]

This one has some grammatical issues, but they're beside the point. Your sentences are too winding. You're using too many commas. I liked Attempt 3 better, honestly.

In terms of content or the main idea though? I can fix the grammatical stuff

Both! "I told someone that using slurs is not cool" isn't really a great or unique story. I do that all the time and I'm not Mexican.

[bleu]

No seriously that was the worst line I ever heard in my life. Delete it.

[Knock]

No seriously that was the worst line I ever heard in my life. Delete it.

It's just one sentence man, I pounded out a rough draft to see if I could right a decent DS (apparently not but that's besides the point). Focus on the big picture...

[Knock]

This one has some grammatical issues, but they're beside the point. Your sentences are too winding. You're using too many commas. I liked Attempt 3 better, honestly.

In terms of content or the main idea though? I can fix the grammatical stuff

Both! "I told someone that using slurs is not cool" isn't really a great or unique story. I do that all the time and I'm not Mexican.

Thanks for the feedback -- my DS is giving me some trouble .

[dominkay]

Thanks for the feedback -- my DS is giving me some trouble .

I sympathize!

But I think you are trying to hard impress rather than express. Law schools know why they want URMs; you don't have to sell them on the concept of diversity. Just talk about yourself honestly.

[Knock]

Thanks for the feedback -- my DS is giving me some trouble .

I sympathize!

But I think you are trying to hard impress rather than express. Law schools know why they want URMs; you don't have to sell them on the concept of diversity. Just talk about yourself honestly.

Fuck it, I think i'm just going to give up and go to Cooley. Time to scout for an apartment in Lansing.

[bleu]

The whole thing sounds like a social awareness campaign at a junior high ran by a pretentious cheerleading squad.

Don't try to put flowers around everyday occurrences. Dig a little deeper, it seems silly when you display yourself as a treasure chest of diversity, or whatever, but you really don't enlighten or do anything interesting. I mean come on, that has to be embarrassing.

[Knock]

The whole thing sounds like a social awareness campaign at a junior high ran by a pretentious cheerleading squad.

Don't try to put flowers around everyday occurrences. Dig a little deeper, it seems silly when you display yourself as a treasure chest of diversity, or whatever, but you really don't enlighten or do anything interesting. I mean come on, that has to be embarrassing.

...why would it be embarrassing? your not really helping, go away.

At least the guy who told me my 1st DS sucked hard gave me some good advice.

[bleu]

No seriously that was the worst line I ever heard in my life. Delete it.

It's just one sentence man, I pounded out a rough draft to see if I could right a decent DS (apparently not but that's besides the point). Focus on the big picture...

It was the "first" line and it sets an arrogant, over compensating tone.
Relax, you are not Proust. And it is best that you are not. You can get colorful with descriptions of events in an anecdote but i wouldn't do it for abstract relationships. And i also would not place my self, through my diversity, on a superior perspective dais.

sorry this is supposed to be helping...
im just trying to say dont sound so arrogant... (it wont make you seem diverse next to all the other law applicants)

[Knock]

No seriously that was the worst line I ever heard in my life. Delete it.

It's just one sentence man, I pounded out a rough draft to see if I could right a decent DS (apparently not but that's besides the point). Focus on the big picture...

It was the "first" line and it sets an arrogant, over compensating tone.
Relax, you are not Proust. And it is best that you are not. You can get colorful with descriptions of events in an anecdote but i wouldn't do it for abstract relationships. And i also would not place my self, through my diversity, one a superior perspective dais.

Isn't that one of the reason diversity is valued?...I actually learned about it in one of my Comms. classes, I think it's called Standpoint Theory.

It's not like they're accepting minorities to make the scene more colorful...

sorry this is supposed to be helping...
im just trying to say dont sound so arrogant... (it wont make you seem diverse next to all the other law applicants)

I didn't mean to come off arrogant, but that's honestly a really quick fix (if it is stemming all from that one sentence, which is the impression i'm getting). I'm more worried about if the essay is even worth keeping and trying to fix, or if just straight tossing it. If i'm going to toss it, I don't care about one sentence coming off differently than I intended.

[bleu]

No seriously that was the worst line I ever heard in my life. Delete it.

It's just one sentence man, I pounded out a rough draft to see if I could right a decent DS (apparently not but that's besides the point). Focus on the big picture...

It was the "first" line and it sets an arrogant, over compensating tone.
Relax, you are not Proust. And it is best that you are not. You can get colorful with descriptions of events in an anecdote but i wouldn't do it for abstract relationships. And i also would not place my self, through my diversity, one a superior perspective dais.

Isn't that one of the reason diversity is valued?...I actually learned about it in one of my Comms. classes, I think it's called Standpoint Theory.

It's not like they're accepting minorities to make the scene more colorful...

Different- is why they want you.
Not because you think you are special and can teach every one about the colors of the rainbow.

[bleu]

I dont know, im not in admissions, but i would be careful not to give off that impression.

[Knock]

This is where i'm taking the "because i'm diverse I have a more objective perspective from", which to many of you has come off as arrogant. I disagree. But I think I will play it safe in my DS, so I will change anything if it comes of as arrogant.

Citation: --LinkRemoved--

Basics of Standpoint Theory:

1. A standpoint is a place from which to view the world that determines what we focus on as well as what is obscured from us.
2. Sandra Harding and Julia Wood claim that the social groups to which we belong shape what we know and how we communicate.
3. Standpoint theorists suggest that societal inequalities generate distinctive accounts of nature and social relationships.
4. According to Harding, the perspective from the lives of the less powerful can provide a more objective view than the perspective from the lives of the more powerful.
5. Wood has applied standpoint logic to the field of communication.
6. Inequalities of different social groups create differences in their standpoints.
7. All standpoints are partial, meaning that a person can have many standpoints at a time.
8. All the social communities the a person belongs to creates their overall standpoint.
(Wood, 1993 as cited in http://www.atfirstlook.com)

Standpoint Theory regarding Marginalize Groups in a nutshell can be easily understood through the analogies of James Weldon Johnson states in his Autobiography of an Ex-Coloured Man, originally published in 1912, “I believe it to be a fact that the coloured people of this country know and understand the white people better than the white people know and understand them” (Wood, 1993 as cited in http://www.atfirstlook.com). This concept deals with the issue in Standpoint theory where those individuals with less power being able to see a clearer view of what are going on around them.
Two other interesting analogies for Standpoint Theory according to Harden and Woods are:
The comparison of a seat at a concert. While all concertgoers attend the same event, every seat’s sightlines are different. By typical standards, the
premiere seats are closest to the stage and in the heart of the action. But, if you wanted to view the concert more holistically, sitting in the front row
is less than optimal as it limits one’s view to all but the stage act (Wood, 1993 as cited in http://www.atfirstlook.com).

In this case, the perspective from the nosebleed seats in the high, upper decks would be more informative. From there, you could see it all. Another analogy that we have used effectively is the Eiffel Tower. If I wanted to understand how the structure was built, I would likely understand more standing on the ground looking up than on the observations many stories in the air. Harding and Wood suggest that the “perspectives of subordinate groups are more complete and thus, better than those of privileged groups in a society” (Wood, 1993 as cited in http://www.atfirstlook.com). The flip side of the analogies is that the individuals in the middle may have a more objective view as they are able to view from both sides. All in all, the Standpoint Theory is one which is dependent on the individual and what the individual is encountering and from what point of view that individual is experiencing a given situation.

[bleu]

I dont think you are wrong at all. I would actually agree if we were talking about postmodernism and society blah blah blah... But I think you are wrong when it is in a diversity statement.

[Knock]

I dont think you are wrong at all. I would actually agree if we were talking about postmodernism and society blah blah blah... But I think you are wrong when it is in a diversity statement.

Fair enough. I can definitely understand and appreciate that I don't want to risk coming off as arrogant in my DS.

[dominkay]

I dont think you are wrong at all. I would actually agree if we were talking about postmodernism and society blah blah blah... But I think you are wrong when it is in a diversity statement.

Fair enough. I can definitely understand and appreciate that I don't want to risk coming off as arrogant in my DS.

You definitely don't want to reignite the Wise Latina controversy.

[Knock]

I dont think you are wrong at all. I would actually agree if we were talking about postmodernism and society blah blah blah... But I think you are wrong when it is in a diversity statement.

Fair enough. I can definitely understand and appreciate that I don't want to risk coming off as arrogant in my DS.

You definitely don't want to reignite the Wise Latina controversy.

Haha, yeah good point. Damnit I hate you DS! Maybe I will go read a bunch of DS's and see if inspiration strikes me. Then get to work on attempt #5.

[bleu]

lol
you copied the tenants of the Standpoint Theory to the blog. lolololol
--ImageRemoved--

[Knock]

lol
you copied the tenants of the Standpoint Theory to the blog. lolololol

huh? what blog?