We went different ways in the world

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Mailbag #2

Post by longodds » Wed Mar 14, 2007 2:03 pm

The first one was such a success that it required a follow up:

Can I use you for your outlines??
I think its safe to assume that any girl who is breathing would probably be successful in her attempts to use me for my outlines, but your level of ruthlessness could probably get you class notes and papers as well.

Why did you apply to so many schools?
--FloridaGirl, NewHere, and others
I honestly thought I wouldn’t get into very many schools. I thought my low (3.4) GPA would make it difficult to get into the T14 schools even though the median GPA for my majors was around a 2.4, a bit of a harsh curve. I applied to the southern schools because I was angry about the cold weather, and I miss sweet tea. Speaking of sweet tea, if anyone south of the Mason-Dixon (brittlynn, Slash, etc...) is willing to send me some Luzianne, I am willing to compensate you with money...a kidney...my first born. Name your price.

Since you give a top 5 of schools, is there any chance at all you will forego Harvard for any of your other acceptances? (Doesn't Harvard sort of automatically disqualify all the others?)
While Harvard is a great school, there is a chance that I could choose another school. I was fortunate enough to be accepted by a number of great law schools, and I’m not certain that Harvard is the right place for me. Luckily, I have very good friends who realize I can’t be trusted to make a decision of this nature and plan to take the decision out of my hands and tell me where I am going.

Why Stanford over Harvard??
Stanford has always been my dream school. I almost went there for undergrad, but got scared at the last minute that I wouldn’t be smart enough to handle it. I would like to live out west for a few years, but I don’t want to stay, so law school would be the ideal time to live somewhere for 3 years before I go where I want to settle down. I've spent a lot of time in Massachusetts and a lot of time at Harvard. As noted in my last blog, I know a lot of people at Harvard, which is both appealing for and detracting from the school.
Robet Penn Warren wrote, "For West is where we all plan to go someday. It is where you go when the land gives out and the old-field pines encroach. It is where you go when you get the letter saying: Flee, all is discovered. It is where you go when you look down at the blade in your hand and see the blood on it. It is where you go when you are told that you are a bubble on the tide of empire. It is where you go when you hear that thar's gold in them-thar hills. It is where you go to grow up with the country. It is where you go to spend your old age. Or it is just where you go."
It makes me want to get in my car and start driving west.

Who would win: pirates or ninjas?
I think the person best suited to answer this debate would be Alf. His family was kidnapped by ninjas and he isn’t holding up a sign asking for “Pirate Lessons”. He is asking for “Karate Lessons” to become a ninja himself (which he has now successfully done). Had his family been kidnapped by pirates, would he still be requesting karate lessons? I think so.

Do you cook, and if so, what's the ideal meal you'd make for your woman? If you don't cook, what's the ideal date you'd go out on with her?
Here’s an important piece of advice. When a girl asks you this question, do not answer, “Anything,” or “Whatever.” The girl will always find something that you have never cooked and have no idea how to cook. She will then proceed to ask you if you can make that meal for not only her, but for all of her friends as well, who are meeting you for the first time, and any amount of protests about how you don’t know how to cook pancakes will be lost on them...hypothetically.

But to address your question, I cook a lot of different meals (I maintain that pancakes do not qualify as a meal). I have a few marinades that have been published in smaller cookbooks and at least one marinade that I believe was stolen by a large salad dressing company for their new line of marinades. I have a roasted pork loin recipe that has caused fist fights over who gets the last piece, and a marinated, roasted chicken recipe that makes women melt.

How can someone emulate your success?
--anonymous because I couldn't get approval to use their name before posting this blog
While anonymous meant this question to be my success at applying to law schools, I plan to give some much impart some much more important advice: how to have success with girls. It takes a lot of confidence to be very successful with girls. The good news is, if you’re on TLS, it means you’re probably intelligent, good looking (unlike those people on LSD), and going places. You have a lot to offer any girl you might meet. The key is to gain confidence. It’s like warming up before a basketball game. You don’t start by shooting half-court shots. You start off by making the easiest shots, by practicing lay ups. **Disclaimer: I’m not saying you should try to pick up easy girls. This is something I do not recommend, so don’t try it and then come back and sue me when you get syphilis. I get blamed for enough people getting syphilis already without you adding to it.** There are a lot of girls that would probably be impressed/very interested in you. Go flirt with those girls even if they aren’t what you would normally go for, or you don’t find them to be the supermodel you always imagined yourself with. You slowly build confidence and work your way to more and more challenging shots, until eventually, your range starts when you enter the gym.

Who has the best avatar?
My feelings about FloridaGirl's cat avatars are well known, but here are my top 3:
3. Uzumaiti – Barney, the purple dinosaur? Was a stroke of brilliance and the latest URMz avatar is funny every time I look at it.

2. Alf – Has there ever been an avatar that caused more conversations and jokes? You sort of wonder what sort of desperate man puts up such a desperate avatar.

1. Katkins’ Daria avatar was hands down. You get to the point where you actually believe that she really is Daria-looks just like her, acts just like her, and might even be her. That’s what makes discovering what she actually looks like even more shocking. It’d be like watching the movie Just One of the Guys and missing the fact that Joyce Hyser was actually female until she exposes her breasts. That’s what it’s like to discover what Katkins looks like: completely and utterly shocking. You get confused about whether anyone’s picture is actually them besides your own and wind up with some ridiculous cat/muskrat hybrid for an avatar. It's a life changing event. Trust me.

I want to know who the Katkins source is and if we will ever see her.
If you are at UVA right now, you might be able to track Katkins down. She made a mistake and slipped up and I caught it. Don’t bother looking. You won’t find it. From there, it was rather easy to track her down, but I respect her desire for privacy, as well as stjobs, and could never betray either of them for less than $10.

Why is Alf the only guy on TLS better looking than you?
--asked to remain anonymous...

Thanks for the questions! Keep sending them in. I'll be posting the Canada story hopefully later today, so check back for that.

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Post by longodds » Thu Mar 15, 2007 12:51 pm

As always, these are actually questions I received. Enjoy.

How do you plan to balance be incredibly successful with a vibrant social life?
Well my social life mostly consists of not going out and not meeting girls, so while it’s difficult to squeeze all that into my already busy and successful work career, I somehow managed to do it. I think this is something that will be difficult at law school, and you will have to make a lot of sacrifices. That means, make sure the girl (or guy) is worth it before agreeing to the date. It’s not like undergrad where you could get away with going on a date every day of the week and still keep up in your classes. You’ll have to decide whether the middle of the week trip to Mardi Gras is really worth it. Sure it may be the only time in your life you see a girl topless, but your friends will inevitably start a fight that makes the “Canada incident” look tame and you’ll spend the rest of the week looking over your shoulder for police officers looking for you. But I think it can be done by prioritizing. Ladies, I’ll tell you right now. I’m not worth it. You should stay in and outline Torts instead.

How do we find your book?
There is no way to currently obtain my book short of stealing my laptop computer, but I’m hoping that I finish the contract sometime next week. At which point, I plan to spam this thread with so many posts hyping my book that Ken and Corsair have no choice but to ban me.

Why should any of us (on TLS, or just people considering law school in general) be lawyers?
Because the world needs lawyers. The rich need people to protect their money and their interests and the poor need someone willing to fight for them. You should be a lawyer because it’s the only career you can imagine having, or because you want to make a difference and it seems like the best way. You should be a lawyer because you find law fascinating, or because you know that you’ll probably have a few arrests in your future and you need to be prepared. You should be a lawyer because it is a good career. You should be a lawyer because someone has to fight for lost causes. Or you should be a lawyer just because.

i think you are making up questions in the form of Private Messages that do not exist to help make your blogs more interesting. I also think that you and Katkins are the same person. Whether you know it or not.
I have many doubters, and that’s okay. Eventually, someone will come forward and claim that they did not ask the question I attributed to them. It will most likely be Uzu who does this.
Can you use the adjective "cutiful" (cute and beautiful) in a sentence?
dansmeek, if you think I could make up a question like that, you clearly think I’m far more creative than I actually am. And the answer is no. No, I cannot use that in a sentence.

Why if you are going to become a famous writer would you want to be a lawyer??
I wrote the book because I had a story in mind that I couldn’t get out of my head. I had to write it. I don’t remember who said it, and am too lazy to look it up, but someone said that you read a book to remember a story and an author writes a book to forget it. Being a lawyer is the only career I could see myself having 20 years from now besides being safado’s chief of staff.

Is it true that a computer is just an actuary with a heart?
This is true.
How do you know whether someone is an accountant or an actuary?

An accountant looks at the OTHER person’s shoes when he’s talking to them.

Everyone is scared to come out and name names in the least popular person thread, but you’re not other people, so name some names.
I’m not other people. Everyone else is scared to admit who they don’t like but not me. Here are the people I don’t like and the reason behind the hate.

Katkins – She makes me part of this secret club that I can’t allow anyone else to join. It is lonely being the only one who knows her true form. What’s the point of a secret club if I can’t at least initiate new members? Let’s put it this way. If you’re torn between two schools, one of which Katkins is attending and another fairly equal school. Go to the one that Katkins is attending. You can thank me later. A Thank You card will suffice.

Uzu – He sent me a creepy question that hit too close to home for it to possibly be random. I don’t trust psychics and mind readers. They are creepy individuals that should be locked up somewhere and never let out. Do not mess with Uzu. His power is greater than you can imagine. I will not be addressing his question in this blog, but it left me feeling sweaty and dizzy and my hands are still shaking. He has the power to blackmail any of us. He knows our darkest secrets. Not cool, Uzu.

Alf – Your family has been kidnapped for so long that they are probably dead. You should have rescued them by now. Most hostages are killed within a week. Hostages killed by ninjas, I imagine, are killed even quicker.

Grace – She knows why.

Is that your child in your own lap or are you a pedofile like andyroberts?
This is actually two questions and I need to address both separately. The picture is of me and my niece. She is almost 10 months old now and the love of my life. She is walking and talking which I suppose is what my sister gets for marrying a super genius.

I cannot answer your second question. I do not wish to incriminate myself or andyroberts, who I consider to be a fine specimen of a man.

Will you dedicate your book to TLS?? or more importantly to me??
I was planning to dedicate my book to my mother or my niece; however, lishi, I have made it quite clear that I am defenseless against the flirtations of the fairer sex. I’m sure you could talk me into it by smiling at me and batting your eyelashes.

Where would you go if a virus turned everyone into zombies?
drs9p makes a great point in the thread about the Biltmore which is a really interesting place to visit, you know, if you’re ever in Asheville, NC for some reason. The tours are pretty amazing. However, this entire post should be in bold because I can’t possibly stress it enough. If there is ever a zombie attack, nuclear disaster, attack on American soil, or anything remotely like that go to Winchester, Virginia. Like the previous posts about Katkins, I cannot reveal my source, but let’s put it this way, I live over 7 hours away from Winchester by car, and if anything catastrophic ever happened, I would immediately head there. I would drive through the inevitable riots in NYC to get there. I would attempt to run the 500 miles to get and I would probably be willing to kill a man there if necessary to get to Winchester. I’ll say it again for emphasis if there’s ever a catastrophic disaster. Go to Winchester.

What the hell is wrong with you?

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Post by longodds » Wed Mar 21, 2007 12:16 pm

Break before lunch and then round 2 of the interview. I thought I'd get up my blog in my spare time. As always, send me more questions and I'll keep posting my response!

You used to have a tux on in one of your avatar photos. Were you a 00 agent at anytime in your life?
The Double-O agents are British and the American version of this within the CIA is still unknown. Do any agents within the CIA have a license to kill? Of course they do. We don’t let the British have all the fun. Unfortunately, most of the places I have traveled, the tuxedo would have looked out of place, so I don’t get many opportunities to wear it. Little known fact about the CIA tuxedo: the bow tie contains a bottomless supply of condoms. And by bottomless I mean, I have yet to get to reach it’s limit, so I know it is at least more than one (I was curious if the rumor they were there was true and had to look for myself).

How did you get so awesomelicious?!
– dat_raw_n_tellect
People often ask me, longodds, how did you get to be as awesome as you are today. It’s rare that they ask me how I got so awesomelicious, but I will assume it is the same question. Believe it or not, I was not always as awesome as I am today. So how did I get to this point? One day, when I was less awesomelicious than I am today, I was sitting around feeling sorry for myself when suddenly I decided to stop being sad and start being AWESOME. I’ve never looked back. True story.

Do you have any political aspirations?
Yes. Otherwise, what was the point of turning down all those recreational drugs? Hopefully, jayhawk will agree to be in charge of my negative campaigning. I don’t know that I necessarily have political aspirations as much as I feel like that’s probably something I’ll end up involved in. I’m not like some of my friends who have spent their entire lives setting themselves up for a potential political career: senate, governor or even the white house. I’m just an idealist at heart, and I could see myself getting involved on some level if I’m unhappy with the representation my city, district, state, or country is receiving. I won’t be able to sit and do nothing.

Will your criminal convictions prevent you from pursuing a career in politics?
Most of my convictions occurred in other countries while traveling under various aliases. I don’t believe they can prove a thing. I think what may hurt my political aspirations a little bit more will be the 37 “adult” films that I did while in college. Eventually, someone is bound to recognize me.
Is it true your porn name is Skanky McChancre?
And apparently you have.

If you could be any fictional character, who would it be and why?
George Bush. He’s a cartoon character, a caricature of a person, who gets to pretend he’s running a country. I could get away with saying anything or doing anything and everyone would know I was an idiot, so I shouldn’t be taken seriously. Has any other fictional character ever had it better?

If Zombies did in fact take over the world, would starbucks continue pumping out their sweet goodness?
I believe that in the event of a nuclear holocaust the only things left alive would be cockroaches and Starbucks employees. I like their chances against zombies as well.

What type of law do you want to go into?? –lishi
Why do you want to be a lawyer? –Nikki
I don’t have a good answer for this question. I don’t think people should be worried if they aren’t like some people in this forum who know exactly what they want to do with their law degree and where they want to go. There are so many doors open to you with a JD that all the possibilities excite me to no end. I want to do policy work in Washington, biglaw litigation, and trial advocacy work. I want to argue in front of the Supreme Court. I want to fight for lost causes and against public opinion. I want to do voters’ rights cases and sue the state of Mississippi for their districting (look at a map of the congressional districts of Mississippi to see what I mean) and I want to be a college professor. While I probably won’t be able to accomplish all of that, it’s exciting that I could do any of that. There’s no limit to what the people on TLS could accomplish.

Do you use Crest Whitestrips for your teeth?
I own them, but I’ve never used them. I prefer sticking my mouth in a bowl of bleach. I find it works much faster. I thoroughly recommend that you try this at home.

Your mom left her nun costume at my house. If I give it to you can you make sure she gets it?

This question is not funny. My mother was a nun and has been missing her habit for awhile now. Give it back, Uzu.

Who would win in a fight Socrates or Plato?
This is another classic battle of student and teacher. I see this one playing out similar to the Star Wars battle between Obi Wan and Darth Vader. Plato was the more powerful of the two, and inevitably could not be defeated, but consider what we know about Socrates. He was convicted and sentenced to death because he refused to turn his back on his beliefs and his philosophies. He could have escaped, but instead stayed to face his sentence. He would sacrifice himself to his student. You can’t underestimate the fact that Plato spent his entire life learning by the Socratic Method. Think about the bitterness it causes in law students after just their first year. I like Plato killing him in the second round by turning his own Socratic Method against him, much like many of us future law students will want to do to OUR professors.

The cat is out of the bag, Andy is a police officer. How do you really feel about that?
I used to like Andy, but knowing this makes me wonder about him. If he were a moderator on this site, would he go in and change some of my posts to be offensive or incendiary? Has he already done this? Has he planted a post about me loving to smoke pot somewhere within the forums of TLS, so that he can later call it probable cause to strip search me when all he really has to do to get me naked is ask politely? I just don’t know what to think about him, or those mysterious people that like to vote for him in every poll.

If you were exiled from the US, had to leave today and stay away for the rest of your life, where would you go and what would you do? –riseagainst
I would return to Africa and work there for the rest of my life. I would live in Ghana or Cote D’Ivoire and do relief work, or I would move to Cambodia and open up an orphanage. If you’ve ever been to one, you understand why. The country never recovered from Pol Pot and the Khmer Rouge and possibly won’t in our lifetimes. The country needs whatever help it can get. I would want to go to a country like Ghana or Peru or anywhere that the United States has attempted to influence election or overthrow elected officials and try to help that country recover from U.S. influence and learn to stand on its own again. Eventually, I would move to the Caribbean and write my memoirs knowing they probably could never be published in the United States.

What movie should I rent or go see this weekend?
Apparently, 300 has gratuitous violence and nudity. If you know me, you can probably guess that I am a fan of such things. I think that every movie should have a completely unnecessary nude scene just to keep my interest like in Demolition Man when the video phone suddenly receives an incoming call from a topless woman: totally unnecessary and totally awesome. That movie gets a solid 9 out of 10 rating from longodds on the lack of necessity of its nude scene. Swordfish having Halle Berry topless while reading in her chair gets a solid 10 out of 10, perfectly unnecessary. I approve. Please PM me for a complete list of ratings.

What the hell can I do with my Poli Sci degree if I didn't go to grad school or law school?

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Post by longodds » Fri Apr 13, 2007 2:17 pm

As always, these are real questions from people on TLS:

Since my daughter was born I am still forced to sleep on the couch. I thought once my wife stopped blaming me for her being pregnant, I would be allowed back in my own bed. What should I do?
Sleep in the bed during the day. It’s the best I can do. You can try sneaking into bed once she’s already asleep and hoping she doesn’t wake up, or you can try going to bed before her and pretending you’re asleep when she tells you to go sleep on the couch, but that might be like waking the sleeping dragon. I’d play it safe and be thankful that she still let’s you live in the house and not out back in a tent.

What is it about all of us that makes us come back to this site?
It's the people. It's the fact that our friends and family members can't really understand what we're going through, but the people, and their ridiculous avatars can. FloridaGirl and I disagree about literally everything, but she still understands more about what I'm going through in the law school application process than any of my friends could. It's because we feel like we've figured out what we want to do with our lives. We want to go to law school and be lawyers, and this is our connection to that future. We're ready for our futures to begin, and this is as close as we can come right now.

What were the specifics of the deal you negotiated with FloridaGirl to get her to agree to blog about the winner of your poll?
Well, I can't share all the specifics of what I had to agree to, but she had to agree to do a blog post about our homeless, karate hero, Alf, and I had to find her the heart emoticon, but other details of our agreement will show themselves in the next couple months. Pay attention, and I'm sure you'll see them. I had to give more than I wanted to, and I'm sure I'll be regretting it later.

Are you the same in real life as you appear in the forum?
No. I think I’m kind of a jerk in the forum. I'm much nicer and more genuine in real life than I am on here.

Why don't you share with people some of your nicknames?
-jayhawk (obviously)
I hate you. I wish you were never born. Don’t think I don’t have blackmail on you. I posted this question just to dare you. If you want to declare war by sharing it with people, then you can, but know that there will be a response, and you know I'll end up taking it too far and making you cry.

Who is your latest e-crush
kenna17 - I'm considering moving to Texas, so I can be her LSAT study partner.
Also, seagull’s new selftar has made me find her much more interesting than when she was Bob Dylan.

As a well-rounded individual I am going to assume you are up to par with current events. The death penalty has been at the top of ever almost every debate this past year. With the moratoriums placed in Wisconsin and Florida, do you believe there should be a nation wide moratorium on the death penalty. Further and more importantly, do you believe the death penalty has a deterrent effect?
I think the death penalty is a dangerous thing. I understand the desire for vengeance, but there have been over 100 people on death row who were exonerated because of new evidence. Who knows how many were executed who were actually innocent? I've often heard it said that there is no evidence that the death penalty is a deterrent. I haven't seen the statistical studies that make this claim, so I can't say for sure that it is true. I think that maybe the death penalty isn't for the criminal, but for the victims, for the victims' family, for the jury, for the rest of us because it makes us feel better to know that person, who committed that horrible act, is going to die. It'd be interesting to see a study of how people felt about cases where the defendant got life in prison versus sentenced to death. Is there more of a sense of justice if he or she was sentenced to death? Is that why we use the death penalty? Because then we can go to sleep at night knowing justice has been served? Is it just a political tool that reaffirms people's trust and faith in the justice system and the elected officials?

How do you feel about the fact that Uzu is really your Dad?
It explains why you're so much better looking than me, but it doesn't explain why I'm so much smarter. It also scares me a little bit, mostly because Uzu scares me a little bit. Will I be a crazy, dirty-old man when I'm his age? Also, how did he manage to woo Mom when she was still in the convent and he was so young? Was he one of her students? This part has never been fully explained to me.

Who has the cooler screen name and avatar between you and your brother?
HIS NAME ISN’T EVEN JAY! AND HE DOESN’T GO TO KANSAS! That’s why I didn’t realize who he was for so long. I’ll grant that some of his avatars have been pretty good. I think he’s had far better ones than the one he has now. I’d say that mine would win right now, but his bloody, disgusting one of the person smashing themselves on the keyboard was pretty good. I just wanted to clear up any misconceptions about his screen name. So I’ll say my current avatar beats his, and my screen name is better because everyone thinks he’s Jay from Kansas University neither of which is true.

If there was about to be some sort of disaster that killed most of the people on the planet, and you could only bring 5 people from TLS with you to your secret bunker in Winchester, VA, which 5 people would you choose?
(Afraid to say anything because of how many people I would offend…)

Who is your least favorite person on TLS?
(Legitimately terrified to even think my answer…)

What do you think is the worst thing you’ve ever done?
Well, this one time, I put Skoal into my younger brother’s cheeseburger when I was grilling it. I was angry at him because he had told Mom that I had come home drunk the night before. He got VIOLENTLY ill, but never realized that I had poisoned him.

What is one strange physical characteristic that nobody on here knows about you?
Since I feel bad about the last one, I’ll bite on this one. I have sticky feet. I don’t mean like sweaty, smelly feet. I mean they’re sticky like a tree frog. When I walk barefoot, I’ll pick up ANYTHING that’s on the ground. They’re just naturally sticky to the point that when I walk around barefoot, I have to brush off the bottoms before I climb into bed, or I find all kinds of stuff that was stuck to the bottoms of my feet in the bed.

Longodds, I am the father of a new baby girl, Lily, and I’m starting to feel old and not as cool as I used to be. I used to be cool. I need to be cool again. I need your help. How can I be cool again?
First of all, Uzu, I would have to disabuse you of the notion that you were ever cool.
Being cool at your age is all in how you act. You don’t want to act too young, but you don’t want to act like a grandfather either. Shorts, sandals and tube socks aren’t cool when worn together. The Starland Vocal Band is never cool. Barney, even in a retro sort of way, is not going to be cool.

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Post by longodds » Wed Apr 18, 2007 1:42 am

FloridaGirl tries to win votes through sympathy. She has been known during these polls to beg for votes:
Why does no one love me?


FloridaGirl is also deceptive because of her flirtatious advances. She tries to win votes by saying

But she never mentions that she’s MARRIED!

But I’m not fooled by her attempts to flirt with me or make me feel sorry for her. I tell her…

She likes to think she’s tough

But I’m not scared of her or her cats…

One of my problems with FloridaGirl right from the start was that she apparently has no sense of direction. Her cat instincts are less than impressive. Her name “FloridaGirl” indicates someone in the general area of Florida, but she is in San Diego. I temporarily renamed her SanDiegoGirl, but she remains lost…

She’s not afraid to hijack threads with her cat pictures. Anytime she sees an opening, she immediately posts a cat picture, saying

Once she hijacks a thread, I think

Her cat pictures slow down all of TLS. Cat opponents have called for a cease and desist of all cat pictures, but she, in all of her technical wisdom, just says…

Vote Longodds Best Blog on TLS!

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Post by longodds » Fri Jul 06, 2007 3:58 am

It is the traveler who leaves without knowing if he will return who truly understands the meaning of home; it is the inevitable return that makes us lose sight of what awaits our homecoming. It is those who set out in search of a place to call home who can understand where or what home is, what it means to come home, because they know only leaving and not returning.

You will find those lucky few who do not know if they will return, and you will know them, yet. They are the ones who dance in the darkened streets of some strange city or gaze longingly on the horizon or throw all their belongings into a bag and go west. They are the ones who move to a great and cruel city with no money in their pocket and no roof over their heads. Go, seeker, if you will, and you will find them burning in the night.

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