Moving for Law School - Wife Hates the idea Forum

[jks289]

Love how different this thread is than if it had been the other way around. When it's a woman, family wins and that's the sacrifice you make. When it's a man, law school should be the priority. Awesome.

I actually agree with this. Wow. Compare this to the "Husband Forbidding It" thread a few weeks ago where the roles were reversed, and it was very different. Same posters, different argument. Apparently your wife's opinion isn't that important when making a huge decision like this?

That said, it is important to recognize a few crucial differences between this thread and the "Husband Forbidding It" thread. There were kids involved in the other thread, a crumbling marriage, and the actors involved were older. Those are important factors.

But still, I am a little shocked that in 2010, the way a bunch of young people view marriage is still so sexist.

edit: Glad to see DF was kidding. But there have still been a lot of troubling responses.

And you thought I was kidding when I said that that thread would have worked out differently if genders were switched. Sticking around here for so long has taught me a thing or two.

At least you get my respect for not being hypocritical.

Differently how? I think in the "Husband forbidding it" thread most people were reacting to the fact that children were involved (As well as her characterization of his overbearing attitude). Fair or not, having small children changes thing significantly and in a way that is more burdensome for a mother. If OP had said he had kids or that his wife would have to make career sacrifices, then I would be more inclined to think he needed to make the compromise. From his post, it appears she is flexible on work location and the family issue is just wanting to be near relatives. My husband can work from anywhere for the time being, so he had to suck it up to a certain extent so we could make the best long term decisions for our family. It is about getting past the individual and immediate preferences of either spouse, and taking a long view of what is best for both (and future children). Once you get to actual firm practices and the kinds of discrimination and obstacles mothers face, that becomes a different and far more troubling issue.

In terms of the constant chorus of "Everyone in law school gets a divorce" you hear on TLS, transitional times in life are stressful to any marriage. But no more so than illness, the death of parents, financial strain, children, moving, full time jobs, and the million other challenges everyone confronts. Marriage isn't (or won't be) an entirely easy thing for 99% of us. But I am convinced having the right partner makes absolutely everything about life better, including law school.

[romothesavior]

I will say this though: Although I think the husband should take his wife's opinion into consideration, I do think she is being pretty stubborn and is wrong on the issue.

[Mirrored]

Well, the wife before a successful career was a bad call and a very lower class decision.

But, luckily, it looks like you'll be fine anyways.

However, you should see Law School, outside of the T14, as a decision of where you want to end up. There is much more range from a high ranked school. However, if you do not get into a t14 (which in all honesty you should with your grades) you should pick based on what market you want to practice in. It's only a stepping stone when it is realistic for it to lead elsewhere, otherwise it IS planting your feet.

Also, because of your poor decision to marry early, you have limitations on your freedom, limitations which may mean that you need to Take The Money. Because she's probably going to get pregnant because that is what people who marry early do, and then if you take prestige over money, you will be a guy who owes $160k and has a family to support-- which is fine if you get the biglaw job, but if not you get caught behind the eight ball. And the wife will leave because she already sounds like the kind of person who's looking to be taken care of, does not seem to have a serious career, and is already nagging you.

If you do not get the Biglaw job and do have debt, you can count on a divorce, probably with Child Support being due, so she'll make things worse to "take care of herself" or whatever other noble sounding excuse she can come up with for bailing when times get hard.

It sounds like she's realizing that marriage is not all fun in games, that her dreams of being a rich and famous ballet dancer have come to an end, and that she now just wants to secure Some Guy Who Can Support Her. And you can play the part if you don't go deep debt in law school.

I would drop her now, before there are any assets to lose, and before you get locked in with a kid, and before you lost the ability to just write this off. She'll find another guy surprisingly fast.

None of this is sarcasm. None of this is cheerful or inspiring or supportive. It is part condemnation, part advice, and all honest.

[romothesavior]

Well, the wife before a successful career was a bad call and a very lower class decision.

Stopped reading here, you pretentious d-bag.

[jks289]

Well, the wife before a successful career was a bad call and a very lower class decision.

Stopped reading here, you pretentious d-bag.

You didn't miss anything. Though I have to commend Mirrored on being both an obnoxious and boring troll simultaneously. His post history reads like a precocious 15 year old, and I'd think he was a high schooler trolling the boards, but there is something so delightfully, stupidly genuine about his profile. A 2.8 and he'll apply to Harvard if he gets a 180, starting from mid 160s? Loyola LA? "Networked with BigLaw," isn't sure if being Fraternity president is a good soft "anymore." It almost cute.

[bilbobaggins]

Well, the wife before a successful career was a bad call and a very lower class decision.

But, luckily, it looks like you'll be fine anyways.

However, you should see Law School, outside of the T14, as a decision of where you want to end up. There is much more range from a high ranked school. However, if you do not get into a t14 (which in all honesty you should with your grades) you should pick based on what market you want to practice in. It's only a stepping stone when it is realistic for it to lead elsewhere, otherwise it IS planting your feet.

Also, because of your poor decision to marry early, you have limitations on your freedom, limitations which may mean that you need to Take The Money. Because she's probably going to get pregnant because that is what people who marry early do, and then if you take prestige over money, you will be a guy who owes $160k and has a family to support-- which is fine if you get the biglaw job, but if not you get caught behind the eight ball. And the wife will leave because she already sounds like the kind of person who's looking to be taken care of, does not seem to have a serious career, and is already nagging you.

If you do not get the Biglaw job and do have debt, you can count on a divorce, probably with Child Support being due, so she'll make things worse to "take care of herself" or whatever other noble sounding excuse she can come up with for bailing when times get hard.

It sounds like she's realizing that marriage is not all fun in games, that her dreams of being a rich and famous ballet dancer have come to an end, and that she now just wants to secure Some Guy Who Can Support Her. And you can play the part if you don't go deep debt in law school.

I would drop her now, before there are any assets to lose, and before you get locked in with a kid, and before you lost the ability to just write this off. She'll find another guy surprisingly fast.

None of this is sarcasm. None of this is cheerful or inspiring or supportive. It is part condemnation, part advice, and all honest.

Honestly insane/retarded.

[romothesavior]

None of this is intelligent sarcasm. None of this is useful to the OP or anyone else cheerful or inspiring or supportive. It is part ridiculous condemnation, part douchebaggish advice, and all retarded honest.

FTFY

[dresden doll]

It sounds like she's realizing that marriage is not all fun in games, that her dreams of being a rich and famous ballet dancer have come to an end, and that she now just wants to secure Some Guy Who Can Support Her. And you can play the part if you don't go deep debt in law school.

Yeah, because getting a T14 degree would totally preclude him from playing that role. Fail all around.

[rockstar4488]

--ImageRemoved--


--ImageRemoved--


And if that doesn't do it, it cant be done.

[oscarthegrouch]

.

[Holly Golightly]

In sobriety, if your wife is not the breadwinner, or does not have a developing career in which she can actually financially provide for your family, then she is being extremely unreasonable. Going to a better school would benefit both of your lives, presuming you stay together.

[oscarthegrouch]

.

[mpasi]

I will say this though: Although I think the husband should take his wife's opinion into consideration, I do think she is being pretty stubborn and is wrong on the issue.

Hey, we finally agree on something! I think she's just being a brat. Her parents probably gave her too much growing up, and now she expects her husband to be the same way.

[mpasi]

Differently how? I think in the "Husband forbidding it" thread most people were reacting to the fact that children were involved (As well as her characterization of his overbearing attitude). Fair or not, having small children changes thing significantly and in a way that is more burdensome for a mother. If OP had said he had kids or that his wife would have to make career sacrifices, then I would be more inclined to think he needed to make the compromise. From his post, it appears she is flexible on work location and the family issue is just wanting to be near relatives. My husband can work from anywhere for the time being, so he had to suck it up to a certain extent so we could make the best long term decisions for our family. It is about getting past the individual and immediate preferences of either spouse, and taking a long view of what is best for both (and future children). Once you get to actual firm practices and the kinds of discrimination and obstacles mothers face, that becomes a different and far more troubling issue.

In terms of the constant chorus of "Everyone in law school gets a divorce" you hear on TLS, transitional times in life are stressful to any marriage. But no more so than illness, the death of parents, financial strain, children, moving, full time jobs, and the million other challenges everyone confronts. Marriage isn't (or won't be) an entirely easy thing for 99% of us. But I am convinced having the right partner makes absolutely everything about life better, including law school.

Agreed. They are not the same issue. In this one, the wife wants her husband to give up on better opportunities because she can't bear to part with her family, whereas the husband in the other thread thought she was being a tad outrageous for going to law school to practice law for free while putting an incredible strain on their already-strained marriage and very young children. It's completely different.

For my part in both threads and others, I've been consistently in favor of the potential law student going for the degree instead of bending to the will of their seemingly selfish spouses. I don't think someone should have to give up what they want simply because their spouse is worried about how it affects them in the short term. But as I realized that the wife in the other thread was being a little ridiculous, I changed my opinion.

[MJS83]

Well, the wife before a successful career was a bad call and a very lower class decision.

That's a very "upper-class" thing to say... wehn wehn

Because she's probably going to get pregnant because that is what people who marry early do, and then if you take prestige over money, you will be a guy who owes $160k and has a family to support-- which is fine if you get the biglaw job, but if not you get caught behind the eight ball. And the wife will leave because she already sounds like the kind of person who's looking to be taken care of, does not seem to have a serious career, and is already nagging you.

Please don't do me the disservice of projecting fears about your own future onto me. You have assumed too much and exhibited that you know very little.

None of this is sarcasm. None of this is cheerful or inspiring or supportive. It is part condemnation, part advice, and all honest.

It's also not even remotely helpful, informed, or worth replying to- but I can't help myself, you're an easy target. But please, don't kid yourself into thinking my reply gives credence to anything you've posted.

Edit: grammar

[romothesavior]

I will say this though: Although I think the husband should take his wife's opinion into consideration, I do think she is being pretty stubborn and is wrong on the issue.

Hey, we finally agree on something! I think she's just being a brat. Her parents probably gave her too much growing up, and now she expects her husband to be the same way.

I am generally very agreeable once I'm given a chance.

[MJS83]

Apparently your wife's opinion isn't that important when making a huge decision like this?

My wife's opinion is extremely important to me. I am definitely willing to compromise on location/school rank but I do not feel like she's willing to compromise her desire to be near her family. Moreover, I am seriously concerned about the finances involved. Her stubbornness, despite my concern, suggests to me that my opinion regarding the same decision is not important to her.

"Hey I want to go to law school"

"good, but we aren't leaving the state"

"umm... okay?"

Edit:
I've over-simplified the issue at point for clarity's sake. Really, this situation is quite involved and I don't mean to make it sound like my wife is simply saying "No", no matter what.

[Fenris]

The first and most important issue here is to clear up the real reason she does not want to leave Boston. You have given us three reasons: family, an aversion to moving that stems from your earlier career, and she sees law school as a place where you will stay. Although none of these reasons are conflicting, and they could all be contributing to her distaste for changing locations, that you posted these three reasons separately and not in the op suggest (at least to me) that the discussion as to why she doesn't want to move is still ongoing. If she's still giving reason after reason every time you bring up a point, it seems (and I realize these are extreme extrapolations) that she is unsure as to the real reason behind her position. She just knows moving is what she wasn't want to do.

May I make the suggestion: have a frank discussion with her about whether she really supports your decision to go to law school. A lack of compromise on her part may mean she has the attitude: "Fine, if he wants to go I won't make a fuss about it, but I'm not making any additional sacrifices either." To her, then, she doesn't seem unreasonable. She's already made a huge concession by allowing you to attend--all she's doing now is trying to hold on to some ground.

edit: To me, at least, her behavior makes a lot more sense if she really isn't sold on you going to law school in the first place. Sorry if this post is useless it's all I could come up with!

[Lucidity]

The first and most important issue here is to clear up the real reason she does not want to leave Boston. You have given us three reasons: family, an aversion to moving that stems from your earlier career, and she sees law school as a place where you will stay. Although none of these reasons are conflicting, and they could all be contributing to her distaste for changing locations, that you posted these three reasons separately and not in the op suggest (at least to me) that the discussion as to why she doesn't want to move is still ongoing. If she's still giving reason after reason every time you bring up a point, it seems (and I realize these are extreme extrapolations) that she is unsure as to the real reason behind her position. She just knows moving is what she wasn't want to do.

May I make the suggestion: have a frank discussion with her about whether she really supports your decision to go to law school. A lack of compromise on her part may mean she has the attitude: "Fine, if he wants to go I won't make a fuss about it, but I'm not making any additional sacrifices either." To her, then, she doesn't seem unreasonable. She's already made a huge concession by allowing you to attend--all she's doing now is trying to hold on to some ground.

edit: To me, at least, her behavior makes a lot more sense if she really isn't sold on you going to law school in the first place. Sorry if this post is useless it's all I could come up with!

An extreme stretch that sounds somewhat plausible.