DS - First Draft Forum

[ShuckingNotJiving]

I'm not liking that this PS is being picked apart now, because when I first read it I didn't see too many problems with it. I don't think you want to let other people's opinions of your premises cloud your judgement. However, since they are, it might suggest that you aren't exactly sure of what you're trying to say --

Consider your final paragraph:

These experiences have each added to my lexicon of growth, the totality of which, has led me to become secure in my own identity. No longer am I fazed when groups choose to view me as an outsider but to those who are willing to delve past the superficial I hope to convey a glimpse of the cultural heritage that has shaped me into the empathetic and hardworking person I am today.


You're saying a lot of about yourself there, and one can't say that you've entirely proved that in this DS. Make sure that you're not just throwing adjectives in because they sound nice (I tend to do that myself), but that words you include add value to your essay.

As for the uncle hospitalization scenario: ask yourself what you were trying to convey -- how does that event embolden your message? Does it at all? If it does, keep it. My opinion is that you could use that third paragraph to allow the reader to get into your head a bit. Provide some insight.

[bk1]

In my opinion, it's okay.

Definitely avoid coming across as a bigot while labeling others as such.

Also, it feels very choppy. More like a list of things rather than a smooth flowing paragraph. It feels like you are jumping from bullet point to bullet point rather than painting a story.

[ArchRoark]

I'm not liking that this PS is being picked apart now, because when I first read it I didn't see too many problems with it. I don't think you want to let other people's opinions of your premises cloud your judgement. However, since they are, it might suggest that you aren't exactly sure of what you're trying to say --

Consider your final paragraph:

These experiences have each added to my lexicon of growth, the totality of which, has led me to become secure in my own identity. No longer am I fazed when groups choose to view me as an outsider but to those who are willing to delve past the superficial I hope to convey a glimpse of the cultural heritage that has shaped me into the empathetic and hardworking person I am today.


You're saying a lot of about yourself there, and one can't say that you've entirely proved that in this DS. Make sure that you're not just throwing adjectives in because they sound nice (I tend to do that myself), but that words you include add value to your essay.

As for the uncle hospitalization scenario: ask yourself what you were trying to convey -- how does that event embolden your message? Does it at all? If it does, keep it. My opinion is that you could use that third paragraph to allow the reader to get into your head a bit. Provide some insight.

Thanks for the post. I am trying to retain my own voice while still taking heed of the critique/advice I am presented with in this thread. Personally, I feel the racial bigot sentence isn't offense. I am tolerant of other people's views but that doesn't require me to condone intolerance. Without the contentious modifier no group is being labeled, only the behavior is being labeled. Not sure if that makes sense.

Hmm - point taken on the conclusion. Basically my overarching goal of the DS is to show that as I grew up I felt an outsider to particular groups -- and through various experiences (two of which are outlined) I have become to see how my background is a blessing, in that, it has built character and shaped my world view. Emphatic adjective is supposed to be supported by the father paragraph/hard working by the mother paragraph. My uncle wasn't hospitalized, MD is a debilitating disease that in its later stages requires a caregiver to assist with many of the daily tasks we all take for granted. Perhaps I should make that more clear and by doing so better support my hard-work ethic contention I make at the end.

bk187 - Structure is as such: Short intro to hook the reader-->Background about my identity ending with a statement that my heritage has shaped my world view --> Two examples that seek to support that contention---> Conclusion I have drawn from my experiences and how I seek to share them with others. Perhaps it feels disjointed because I am attempting to touch on disparate topics that have been an important part of my life. Thanks for the advice -- something more to think about.

My main problem is now that I am fighting for space. I need to cut things to get it under 1 page and I can't decide where/what to start with. It is about 1.5 pages with 12pt times new roman. Michigan asks for "about 1 page" -- I am guessing a page and a half is not "about 1 page."

[bk1]

Like this paragraph:

From my mother and the Mexican culture I was taught the importance of family, a lesson that was solidified by a responsibility that is etched into the core of my identity. By becoming a caregiver for my uncle who has muscular dystrophy I became enriched spiritually and realized how blessed I am for the opportunities I have been afforded. Even though the reality of caring for a fully grown disabled adult was emotionally and physically exhausting at times, I don't regret the experience. Through the years a bond between us grew in which I learned, not only about my uncle's life story and our shared cultural heritage but, about the stark realities that the disabled community faces in Mexico.

Your transitions are clunky and awkward to me, making it sound incredibly forced in the way that you strung it together.

If I have time when I get home, I'll try to take a closer look at it.