Law school and relationships

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misspoopers
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Law school and relationships

Postby misspoopers » Sat Feb 19, 2011 11:44 pm

So, I'm off to law school this cycle (no idea where yet though). My boyfriend will potentially be moving where I will be and get a job (he's a teacher). I've heard from MANY people that law school is like a death sentence for relationships. Any thoughts on this matter or am i being melodramatic? :)

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Ford Prefect
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Re: Law school and relationships

Postby Ford Prefect » Sat Feb 19, 2011 11:46 pm

Your screen name is misspoopers. Obviously you'll be fine.

misspoopers
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Re: Law school and relationships

Postby misspoopers » Sat Feb 19, 2011 11:47 pm

Ford Prefect wrote:Your screen name is misspoopers. Obviously you'll be fine.


haha, well alrighty then :)

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JazzOne
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Re: Law school and relationships

Postby JazzOne » Sat Feb 19, 2011 11:48 pm

misspoopers wrote:So, I'm off to law school this cycle (no idea where yet though). My boyfriend will potentially be moving where I will be and get a job (he's a teacher). I've heard from MANY people that law school is like a death sentence for relationships. Any thoughts on this matter or am i being melodramatic? :)

The rumors are true. Law school is tough on a relationship, particularly when your partner is not in law school. I wish you luck. My girlfriend and I from before law school are still together, but it has been a bumpy ride. There were a few times I didn't think we'd make it through. I'm only a 2L, so we're not out of the woods yet, but I feel like the worst is behind us.

misspoopers
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Re: Law school and relationships

Postby misspoopers » Sat Feb 19, 2011 11:49 pm

JazzOne wrote:
misspoopers wrote:So, I'm off to law school this cycle (no idea where yet though). My boyfriend will potentially be moving where I will be and get a job (he's a teacher). I've heard from MANY people that law school is like a death sentence for relationships. Any thoughts on this matter or am i being melodramatic? :)

The rumors are true. Law school is tough on a relationship, particularly when your partner is not in law school. I wish you luck. My girlfriend and I from before law school are still together, but it has been a bumpy ride. There were a few times I didn't think we'd make it through. I'm only a 2L, so we're not out of the woods yet, but I feel like the worst is behind us.


Thats great for you and your girl :) Good luck to you both, im sure you will make it through!
I hear 1L is insanely tough on your personal/social life and can pretty much poop all over your relationship. bleh

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beachbum
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Re: Law school and relationships

Postby beachbum » Sat Feb 19, 2011 11:51 pm

I'll be living with my gf (who will be working) during law school. Find me in a year or two and ask me how it went.

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Pink
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Re: Law school and relationships

Postby Pink » Sat Feb 19, 2011 11:52 pm

JazzOne wrote:
misspoopers wrote:So, I'm off to law school this cycle (no idea where yet though). My boyfriend will potentially be moving where I will be and get a job (he's a teacher). I've heard from MANY people that law school is like a death sentence for relationships. Any thoughts on this matter or am i being melodramatic? :)

The rumors are true. Law school is tough on a relationship, particularly when your partner is not in law school. I wish you luck. My girlfriend and I from before law school are still together, but it has been a bumpy ride. There were a few times I didn't think we'd make it through. I'm only a 2L, so we're not out of the woods yet, but I feel like the worst is behind us.


Care to elaborate? What is it that makes it so terrible? Time constraints? Stress? Money? All of the above?

I'm wondering if it will really be worse for me than when I was in school full time + working 50 hours a week.

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OGR3
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Re: Law school and relationships

Postby OGR3 » Sat Feb 19, 2011 11:58 pm

If both people go into it with a good idea of what you'll face regarding stress, conflicting schedules, etc., then it should be relatively fine.

My fiancee and I have had zero big fights and only a couple small arguments since school has started.

dakatz
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Re: Law school and relationships

Postby dakatz » Sun Feb 20, 2011 12:04 am

Pink wrote:
JazzOne wrote:
misspoopers wrote:So, I'm off to law school this cycle (no idea where yet though). My boyfriend will potentially be moving where I will be and get a job (he's a teacher). I've heard from MANY people that law school is like a death sentence for relationships. Any thoughts on this matter or am i being melodramatic? :)

The rumors are true. Law school is tough on a relationship, particularly when your partner is not in law school. I wish you luck. My girlfriend and I from before law school are still together, but it has been a bumpy ride. There were a few times I didn't think we'd make it through. I'm only a 2L, so we're not out of the woods yet, but I feel like the worst is behind us.


Care to elaborate? What is it that makes it so terrible? Time constraints? Stress? Money? All of the above?

I'm wondering if it will really be worse for me than when I was in school full time + working 50 hours a week.


There are a number of things that make it difficult on a relationship. And the only people I know who are in successful relationships during law school are those who had been dating for a long time beforehand.

--You will have very little time for your SO (this is why going to law school is going to be the death sentence for a new relationship). But if you have been dating long-term, then this is a bit more bearable because your SO will likely be much more understanding and supportive if the limited time you have to dedicate to him/her. There will be nights where you have all of 30 seconds to make a phone call and that is it. Its a big change for those who are accustomed to talking on the phone an hour every day

--Your personality will change. It is inevitable that you will get snappy at times, you will argue unnecessarily, you will take our your heightened stress on your SO. He or she NEEDS to prepare for this and it is your job to convey to them that this may happen and why they shouldn't hold it against you. I really can't stress this one enough. Your life will be engulfed by law school so sometimes all you will have to talk about is how stressed you are about school. And that can get very grinding to those who aren't in law school with you. Don't be stupid and think "oh I can keep everything separate". Make sure you communicate these things in advance

--This relates back to the first point, but trust is obviously very important for a long-distance thing. If you guys don't trust each other to independently do your own thing, it will be very difficult. My guess is that those in long-term relationships will have much less trouble with this since the bonds of trust have had a long time to build up.

--Your goals and aspirations will shift in general. You may decide that you want to go to a particular city or pursue a particular path that simply doesn't mesh with your SO's career, goals, aspirations, etc. Few people go to law school knowing exactly what they want to do and exactly where they want to do it. Such changes can significantly alter the feasibility of some relationships.


These are just a few of the things that make a law school relationship tough. But if you have been dating long-term, then there is no reason to think that it can't work out. It is the shorter-term relationships that seemed to end very quickly for a number of people I know.

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Pink
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Re: Law school and relationships

Postby Pink » Sun Feb 20, 2011 12:05 am

Thanks for that!

Most of those things are things we've already dealt with (and have been dating long term), so I'm not extra worried. If I had to do the long distance thing though, that would suck bad.

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chadwick218
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Re: Law school and relationships

Postby chadwick218 » Sun Feb 20, 2011 12:08 am

In addition to myself, I know of five classmates who entered law school married and will leave law school divorced. With that being said, law school had nothing to do with my situation. I know of a number of happily married couples who have done great.

dakatz
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Re: Law school and relationships

Postby dakatz » Sun Feb 20, 2011 12:10 am

chadwick218 wrote:In addition to myself, I know of five classmates who entered law school married and will leave law school divorced.


Well thats certainly unfortunate. Its odd, since everyone I know in long-term relationships seem to be making it work just fine during school. Though none of them are married, so perhaps that changes the dynamic.

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JazzOne
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Re: Law school and relationships

Postby JazzOne » Sun Feb 20, 2011 12:52 am

Pink wrote:
JazzOne wrote:
misspoopers wrote:So, I'm off to law school this cycle (no idea where yet though). My boyfriend will potentially be moving where I will be and get a job (he's a teacher). I've heard from MANY people that law school is like a death sentence for relationships. Any thoughts on this matter or am i being melodramatic? :)

The rumors are true. Law school is tough on a relationship, particularly when your partner is not in law school. I wish you luck. My girlfriend and I from before law school are still together, but it has been a bumpy ride. There were a few times I didn't think we'd make it through. I'm only a 2L, so we're not out of the woods yet, but I feel like the worst is behind us.


Care to elaborate? What is it that makes it so terrible? Time constraints? Stress? Money? All of the above?

I'm wondering if it will really be worse for me than when I was in school full time + working 50 hours a week.

I used to work a lot of hours too, but the thing that changed in law school was that I became emotionally detached. We moved to a new city where neither of us had any friends. My girlfriend doesn't really like to hang out with me and my law school buddies because we talk a lot of shop and she feels left out. There are a lot of times when I am under pressure to study or get a paper done, and I stay up all night or spend a week buried in my notes. She basically has to entertain herself because not only am I too busy to go out, but I'm often too busy to even give her emotional support. She has made a lot of friends with people who I am too busy to become friends with. A lot of times, it feels like we are living two entirely separate lives, and when I'm really busy (around finals) we don't even go to sleep at the same time. We're working on it now; we have a date night every Thursday.

I just asked my girlfriend about it, and she said she felt like she was the only one trying to put effort into our relationship. She said I acted like the world revolved around me, and law students should remember that there is a another person there with feelings who does not care about law school as much as you do. She said I used to talk about law school, but then I wasn't really interested in hearing about her.

This is tough for me to hear, but I agree with it. Law school can consume your entire being if you let it. I'll tell you when I felt the worst. When I was having trouble finding a job, I realized that I had put a lot of things in front of her, and then those hiring partners didn't give a shit about me. The one person who cared about me was taking second place to people who didn't care about me. Law school is important. Finding a job is important. But having family who will be there for you when things are tough is a million times more important.

She says that she had to hold her tongue because law school was my dream and she didn't want to put that down. But my neglect made her want to give up. She was away from her friends and family, and I was preoccupied with school. It took her a little while to find a job and make some friends, and basically, she was completely alone during that time. I didn't even realize it because I was so excited about law school and my new career. I was incredibly selfish. She says that our relationship will never be the same. I asked if that meant that it was worse now. She said no, it's not worse, but it is just different.

Posting in this thread has made me realize how much I didn't even realize.
Last edited by JazzOne on Sun Feb 20, 2011 12:58 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Pink
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Re: Law school and relationships

Postby Pink » Sun Feb 20, 2011 12:57 am

JazzOne wrote:
Pink wrote:
JazzOne wrote:
misspoopers wrote:So, I'm off to law school this cycle (no idea where yet though). My boyfriend will potentially be moving where I will be and get a job (he's a teacher). I've heard from MANY people that law school is like a death sentence for relationships. Any thoughts on this matter or am i being melodramatic? :)

The rumors are true. Law school is tough on a relationship, particularly when your partner is not in law school. I wish you luck. My girlfriend and I from before law school are still together, but it has been a bumpy ride. There were a few times I didn't think we'd make it through. I'm only a 2L, so we're not out of the woods yet, but I feel like the worst is behind us.


Care to elaborate? What is it that makes it so terrible? Time constraints? Stress? Money? All of the above?

I'm wondering if it will really be worse for me than when I was in school full time + working 50 hours a week.

I used to work a lot of hours too, but the thing that changed in law school was that I became emotionally detached. We moved to a new city where neither of us had any friends. My girlfriend doesn't really like to hang out with me and my law school buddies because we talk a lot of shop and she feels left out. There are a lot of times when I am under pressure to study or get a paper done, and I stay up all night or spend a week buried in my notes. She basically has to entertain herself because not only am I too busy to go out, but I'm often too busy to even give her emotional support. She has made a lot of friends with people who I am too busy to become friends with. A lot of times, it feels like we are living two entirely separate lives, and when I'm really busy (around finals) we don't even go to sleep at the same time. We're working on it now; we have a date night every Thursday.

I just asked my girlfriend about it, and she said she felt like she was the only one trying to put effort into our relationship. She said I acted like the world revolved around me, and law students should remember that there is a another person there with feelings who does not care about law school as much as you do. She said I tell her about law school, but then I wasn't really interested in hearing about her.

This is tough for me to hear, but I agree with it. Law school can consume your entire being if you let it. I'll tell you when I felt the worst. When I was having trouble finding a job, I realized that I had put a lot of things in front of her, and then those hiring partners didn't give a shit about me. The one person who cared about me was taking second place to people who didn't care about me. Law school is important. Finding a job is important. But having family who will be there for you when things are tough is a million times more important.

She says that she had to hold her tongue because law school was my dream and she didn't want to put that down. But my neglect made her want to give up. She was away from her friends and family, and I was preoccupied with school. It took her a little while to find a job and make some friends, and basically, she was completely alone during that time. I didn't even realize it because I was so excited about law school and my new career. I was incredibly selfish. She says that our relationship will never be the same. I asked if that meant that it was worse now. She said no, it's not worse, but it is just different.

Posting in this thread has made me realize how much I didn't even realize.


Thank you VERY much for taking the time to post that. Very, very helpful.

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OGR3
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Re: Law school and relationships

Postby OGR3 » Sun Feb 20, 2011 12:57 am

JazzOne wrote: Family who will be there for you when things are tough is a million times more important.


x 1,000,000

I know that no matter how awesome any future job will be, it wouldn't be worth it if I lost my fiancee in my quest to secure it. Well said JazzOne.

dakatz
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Re: Law school and relationships

Postby dakatz » Sun Feb 20, 2011 1:03 am

OGR3 wrote:
JazzOne wrote: Family who will be there for you when things are tough is a million times more important.


x 1,000,000

I know that no matter how awesome any future job will be, it wouldn't be worth it if I lost my fiancee in my quest to secure it. Well said JazzOne.


This is what I always tell myself, and deep down I know its true. And its the mantra that will guide me the entire way through not just law school but my entire career. I know law involves long hours and crazy schedules, and I hear about far too many lawyers who sacrifice those they love in order to further their careers. That won't be me. The thing I'm most grateful for in my life has been the support and love that those around me have always given to me. And that means more to me than any job ever will

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JazzOne
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Re: Law school and relationships

Postby JazzOne » Sun Feb 20, 2011 1:16 am

Pink wrote:Thank you VERY much for taking the time to post that. Very, very helpful.

You're welcome. My girlfriend feels good that she could offer some help to future law student fiances. Good luck!

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powerlawyer06
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Re: Law school and relationships

Postby powerlawyer06 » Sun Feb 20, 2011 1:18 am

beachbum wrote:I'll be living with my gf (who will be working) during law school. Find me in a year or two and ask me how it went.


+1 :D

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amers73
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Re: Law school and relationships

Postby amers73 » Sun Feb 20, 2011 1:37 am

Thank you JazzOne, I will be in ls and continuing a long term relationship so that was very helpful. :)

foxtrottortxof
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Re: Law school and relationships

Postby foxtrottortxof » Sun Feb 20, 2011 1:48 am

These honest perspectives are great. I remember hearing them all the time before coming to law school.

Granted, it's only been a semester, but as a counterexample, my bf of a few years and I are doing a long-distance thing and have done well. It's been hard being apart since we enjoy being around each other, but we haven't had any problems. We went into it knowing we would each be busy doing our own thing (he started a new job) and that we would take it one day at a time and just see where it took us. We're in touch via text/chat/phone in small bits throughout the day. If it works out--fantastic--if we end up going our separate ways, then that's the way it should be. So far we're still best friends and are there for each other as much as we can be being so far apart. We visit each other very 6 weeks or so, which has been really important (visiting him helps me get away from the craziness).

I've been so surprised by how well it's gone after hearing lots of tough stories. Personally, I'm convinced it would be harder if we lived together--JazzOne is right about the emotional distance thing, even when I'm visiting him after not having seen him for weeks, it's still hard to be totally present (when it's the middle of the semester).

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JazzOne
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Re: Law school and relationships

Postby JazzOne » Sun Feb 20, 2011 2:23 am

amers73 wrote:Thank you JazzOne, I will be in ls and continuing a long term relationship so that was very helpful. :)

Sure, no problem. It was actually cathartic to write that. Plus, my girlfriend helped figure out what to say. This is the first time she's been even remotely interested in TLS, so it was fun for me to do that with her.

ETA: I've just been told that this is not the first time she has been interested in TLS. So, that actually proves her point that the world revolves around me. :lol:

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Dr. Review
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Re: Law school and relationships

Postby Dr. Review » Sun Feb 20, 2011 3:44 am

I met my gf right before 1L started, and she moved in with me during the school year. Don't be a mental defective, and you can do both

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Hank Chill
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Re: Law school and relationships

Postby Hank Chill » Sun Feb 20, 2011 4:01 am

Im very nervous to go to law school while my girlfriend is in undergrad. We spend a lot of time together now so it will be difficult but hopefully everything will work out. :oops:

Hey-O
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Re: Law school and relationships

Postby Hey-O » Sun Feb 20, 2011 4:42 am

My bf and I are going to break up before law school. We love each other but he can't move because of his job and four years of long distance is just too hard. So we're going to remain friends and then see how it goes.

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OGR3
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Re: Law school and relationships

Postby OGR3 » Sun Feb 20, 2011 11:21 am

Bedsole wrote:I met my gf right before 1L started, and she moved in with me during the school year. Don't be a mental defective, and you can do both


You guys work because you're both mental defectives.




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