So I'm not certain if this or the PS forum is the best location to ask for a critique, but I assume those who peruse this forum are more knowledgeable in this area, so I'm posting it here. Please move it if this is the wrong location.
This is a very rough draft of what I believe my final PS will look like. I'm hoping someone can give me some pointers on which of my three reasons for wanting to transfer will be given greater weight, and which I might want to avoid. I'm assuming the QQ about my undergrad GPA is not one of the more compelling reasons to accept me, but I've added it just in case. I'm mainly looking for critique on content, not as much about style, though any pointers in that area will naturally be welcome.
Thank you in advance to all who reply.
P.S. This works out to be one full page double spaced. I'm expecting to use a few paragraphs on the second page to address the specific school.
I love law school. There is no doubt in my mind that this is the profession for me. Unfortunately, at my current law school my peers do not seem to share the same interest and passion for the law that I do. They seem to see law school as a means to an end; suffer through three years and come out with a better job. Most of them are here because they couldn’t think of anything better to do, or just wanted to put off living in the “real world” for a few more years. Now I don’t mean to disparage my fellow students, they are great people in their own right, they simply do not contribute to the academic environment I wish to be a part of. Quite frankly, it is disheartening being one of the very few who sincerely enjoys the reading and lectures. I want to be a part of a community that shares the same interest in law that I have, that feels just as I do that law school is a fantastic intellectual experience in its own right.
Aside from wanting a more supportive peer network, I wish to transfer law schools to broaden the geographical scope of my job opportunities. I fear that with where I am now, I will be locked in to practicing only in Long Island or New York City. While those are not necessarily bad places to work, I want to be sure I have a greater range of opportunities available to me. I also want access to better jobs in general. Though I’m sure it’s cliché by now, there is something to be said for the job prospects that come from attending a highly regarded law school. Simply put, I feel limited where I am right now, and that is not a feeling I enjoy.
I also wish to test my intellectual mettle against some of our nation’s top law students. Due largely to poor choices in classes as an undergraduate, I do not believe my undergraduate GPA accurately reflects my intelligence. I found out the hard way that my strengths lie in writing and reasoning, not in the hard sciences. That unfortunately cost me the opportunity to attend some of the finer institutions. I have, however, redeemed myself with an excellent performance my first year that I no doubt believe I will maintain, if not exceed.
Here's my second attempt at a PS, this time with much less asshole. I'm hoping I can use the first and second paragraphs as a general start to the schools I'll be applying to in the South. For any more up North, I'll obviously have to think of something else. This current draft is aimed at Vandy, which is more or less my #1 choice. It's only 1 page, double spaced, so I have plenty of room to flesh out my reasons if need be. Hopefully, if I've got the general idea down it'll be much easier to replace the school specific paragraphs and I won't have to show you guys 5+ completely different Personal Statements.
I love the law, and I love studying it. Although I had some doubts and was quite nervous at first, my time as a first year law student has solidified my interest in practicing law. I could not see myself in any other profession. I have always been a wonderful writer, I possess excellent critical thinking skills, and I cannot wait to put my knowledge to work in a legal career. I am exceedingly grateful to Hofstra for giving me a chance to demonstrate and hone my skills.
At [X LAW SCHOOL], I expect to further develop my writing and reasoning abilities, and hopefully use them to benefit the school as a member of the Law Journal. I am also excited to have the opportunity to pursue a career in the South. Though I have enjoyed my time up North, I am a Southern man at heart and wish to continue my legal career there. I also hope to connect with other students who share my same love and passion for the law.
I have recently become more and more interested in practicing intellectual property law, specifically copyright and trademark. Vanderbilt’s robust Intellectual Property Program will give me a fantastic opportunity to pursue this field. The Intellectual Property and the Arts Clinic is another reason I wish to transfer. Being able to participate in such a clinic is an opportunity I would love to be a part of. I know my passion and enthusiasm will be a welcome addition to the program.
My time at Vanderbilt as an undergraduate was a phenomenal experience, and though it may be clichéd, I didn’t realize how much I missed it until I was gone. Having an opportunity to practice the profession I love, in a city I love, at a school I love would simply be a dream come true. I hope to bring the skills I have developed, and further improve them and put them to good use at Vanderbilt in the Fall.
I think most of the feedback I glanced at is pretty good though, if a bit harsh. The original version PS did come off as being fairly diminutive toward your current school I think, and also may demonstrate you have a slightly unrealistic view of how superior your peers at the prospective new school are likely to be (unless you're looking to go T3/T4 -> T10, in which case the differing quality of the student bodies prob could be as vast as you seem to imply).
