Personal Statement Samples

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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JustDude
Posts: 354
Joined: Wed Jan 02, 2008 10:07 pm

Re: Personal Statement Samples

Postby JustDude » Sat Sep 27, 2008 12:40 am

prophecybysnakes wrote:I am a transvestite...I wrote my diversity statement about it. Would you like to critique that as well?


I kinda dont care.

I am more concerned that I missed this one:

"I became very aware of how articulate I had become..."



Heh, Shelley got it.. I could be so funny about it

prophecybysnakes
Posts: 72
Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2007 8:58 pm

Re: Personal Statement Samples

Postby prophecybysnakes » Sat Sep 27, 2008 12:46 am

over 4000 posts? come now, who is the real anti-social one?

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JustDude
Posts: 354
Joined: Wed Jan 02, 2008 10:07 pm

Re: Personal Statement Samples

Postby JustDude » Sat Sep 27, 2008 12:49 am

prophecybysnakes wrote:over 4000 posts? come now, who is the real anti-social one?


Well I guess the trick is not to put it in PS.

Dave O
Posts: 14
Joined: Thu Jun 19, 2008 4:58 pm

Re: Personal Statement Samples

Postby Dave O » Sat Sep 27, 2008 1:02 am

Hey guys, I would really like some input on my first draft of my PS. Thanks in advance

The many days spent preparing my body to hide nerves had been all for not. A short walk down an aisle, no longer than thirty feet, seemed to last forever, and the soothing music of a string quartet coupled with the comforting smiles of friends and family did little to ease my nervousness. I was a twenty-one-year-old, with two years left of college. Oh yeah, I was getting married.
After the honeymoon ended, it was back to reality: two years of school left and a wife to care and provide for. I immediately set out to find a job, and found one at a local golf course. I asked for as many hours as my full course load would allow, and ended up working 20-30 hours a week. Most nights at the golf course ended well after the sun set below the horizon. After these long days at work, exams, papers, and homework greeted me. On most nights I found it hard to get to bed before two in the morning. I was drained. I battled through physical and mental exhaustion and I completed my first two semesters, while being married, with an average GPA over 3.8. This summer I continued the balancing act by working full time at a marketing and public relations firm in Houston, preparing for the LSAT through a prep course, and taking summer classes at a local university.
I continued to feel nerves akin to the ones I felt on my wedding day, especially being a newlywed having to support myself for the first time. Being self-supported was something that was new to me, but something that I did not take lightly. Without the support and financial help from my parents, I was forced to make tough decisions. For the first time in our lives, my wife and me had to create a budget, deciding how much we could afford to spend a month on gas, food, and rent. We had to decide how to finance our education, and where to live. These new and unfamiliar responsibilities were important learning experiences that instilled discipline in my life and taught me lessons that will impact my future.
Successfully balancing a new marriage, school, and a job left me feeling very accomplished. My success in the classroom while working long hours developed a newfound drive in me. In the past year I have seen a dramatic change in myself. Pushing through the long nights and homework mentally strengthened me. Additionally, the responsibility took on a new meaning, since I now know that some else is dependent on my hard work and success. I learned the importance of sacrifice and realized that I am ready to invest my life and take on the responsibility of others, just as I did for my wife.
The past year of marriage has been a learning experience for me. Perhaps the most important thing I have learned is that being nervous is not a bad thing. Nerves do not necessarily mean that you are afraid or scared, but rather show that you are excited and ready for a new challenge or unfamiliar task. They remind you that you aren’t perfect and hard work is necessary for success. They remind you that change is not a bad thing, but should be welcomed with open arms. I have learned that my nerves can be overcome, and success can be had even when it seems impossible to do so.
So, as I begin this new journey in my life, I am most definitely nervous, but I now know that these feelings of nervousness can be overcome. With much success, I balanced unfamiliar and demanding tasks and I am now confident that I will be a successful student at _____________________ Law School.

littleboyblue
Posts: 137
Joined: Thu Sep 04, 2008 10:12 am

Re: Personal Statement Samples

Postby littleboyblue » Sat Sep 27, 2008 10:15 am

prophecybysnakes wrote:over 4000 posts? come now, who is the real anti-social one?


if you post your ps on an anon message board for feedback you need to have a stiff upper lip!
are you really a transvestite?

anyway, i read the first para of your ps and was thinking "wow, cool, a flight attendent - so different". i never got through the second para - it became sort of boring and no longer unusual. this probably isn't all that helpful of a comment b/c i am not really sure what you should do to improve your ps but i'd thought i'd give my impression.

applejuice
Posts: 7
Joined: Mon Sep 01, 2008 11:43 pm

Re: Personal Statement Samples

Postby applejuice » Sun Sep 28, 2008 6:16 pm

I like your direction, it seems sorta cool to talk about being nervous from guy's pov. There are some grammar issues, a few sentences could have been structured better, and some of the information is extraneous. But I like the approach. I think you could be a tadbit more honest, and descriptive. It seems like your playing it safe with emphasizing the nervosa. But since it is the first draft, Im sure that it will end up great. Remember that each sentence should either reveal something about you, your character, etc... or build up to the end.


Dave O wrote:Hey guys, I would really like some input on my first draft of my PS. Thanks in advance

The many days spent preparing my body to hide nerves had been all for not. A short walk down an aisle, no longer than thirty feet, seemed to last forever, and the soothing music of a string quartet coupled with the comforting smiles of friends and family did little to ease my nervousness. I was a twenty-one-year-old, with two years left of college. Oh yeah, I was getting married.
After the honeymoon ended, it was back to reality: two years of school left and a wife to care and provide for. I immediately set out to find a job, and found one at a local golf course. I asked for as many hours as my full course load would allow, and ended up working 20-30 hours a week. Most nights at the golf course ended well after the sun set below the horizon. After these long days at work, exams, papers, and homework greeted me. On most nights I found it hard to get to bed before two in the morning. I was drained. I battled through physical and mental exhaustion and I completed my first two semesters, while being married, with an average GPA over 3.8. This summer I continued the balancing act by working full time at a marketing and public relations firm in Houston, preparing for the LSAT through a prep course, and taking summer classes at a local university.
I continued to feel nerves akin to the ones I felt on my wedding day, especially being a newlywed having to support myself for the first time. Being self-supported was something that was new to me, but something that I did not take lightly. Without the support and financial help from my parents, I was forced to make tough decisions. For the first time in our lives, my wife and me had to create a budget, deciding how much we could afford to spend a month on gas, food, and rent. We had to decide how to finance our education, and where to live. These new and unfamiliar responsibilities were important learning experiences that instilled discipline in my life and taught me lessons that will impact my future.
Successfully balancing a new marriage, school, and a job left me feeling very accomplished. My success in the classroom while working long hours developed a newfound drive in me. In the past year I have seen a dramatic change in myself. Pushing through the long nights and homework mentally strengthened me. Additionally, the responsibility took on a new meaning, since I now know that some else is dependent on my hard work and success. I learned the importance of sacrifice and realized that I am ready to invest my life and take on the responsibility of others, just as I did for my wife.
The past year of marriage has been a learning experience for me. Perhaps the most important thing I have learned is that being nervous is not a bad thing. Nerves do not necessarily mean that you are afraid or scared, but rather show that you are excited and ready for a new challenge or unfamiliar task. They remind you that you aren’t perfect and hard work is necessary for success. They remind you that change is not a bad thing, but should be welcomed with open arms. I have learned that my nerves can be overcome, and success can be had even when it seems impossible to do so.
So, as I begin this new journey in my life, I am most definitely nervous, but I now know that these feelings of nervousness can be overcome. With much success, I balanced unfamiliar and demanding tasks and I am now confident that I will be a successful student at _____________________ Law School.

borncane
Posts: 1
Joined: Mon Sep 29, 2008 11:15 pm

Re: Personal Statement Samples

Postby borncane » Mon Sep 29, 2008 11:25 pm

Hi i was wondering if you guys could tear apart my statement or point out any good that is in it !!! thanks
August 18th, 2004. 6:00 AM, one last goodbye to my family who drove me up to Ohio from Miami, Florida. Here I stood, dressed in light gray work out shorts and a t-shirt with the bold letters Air Force spelled out across my chest. It was not by accident that I ended up in Oxford, a small college town in rural Ohio. Miami University was the perfect choice for me. After growing up in Miami, Florida, a diverse cosmopolitan city, I wanted to experience something different far away from my family and friends. The journey I was about to embark on would change my life in ways I never knew I could achieve.
Once my parents left, the campus seemed uncomfortably quiet. Most freshmen would not arrive for another week and I did not know anyone at my school. As I looked around all I saw were young men my age dressed all the same. We all ended up here for different reasons; however, we had one thing in common. No one knew what to expect from the men standing in front of us in full military dress, blurting out expectations and commands.
My first year, I was the lowest rank in my detachment along with my fellow plebes. My weeks consisted of waking up at 5:30 am for physical training or raising the flag out front of our detachment. Then twice a week I went to leadership laboratory where we were required to form up in our flights. During this time we perform a variety of activities from drill (learning how to march in formation) to leadership and group building activities. Along with this, we were required to attend at least three physical training sessions a week and other Air Force ROTC activities. I also volunteered for civil air patrol. It was not only physically demanding but also mentally demanding with the constant yelling and expectations to remember all of the required Air Force knowledge.
Going into my first year of college with everything on my plate, I was nervous that I was not going to be able to handle my weekly schedule along with a full load of classes. The first few months of college, I was extremely unhappy with ROTC and the amount of time required by it per week. However, as time went on I realized that I began to enjoy it and learned how to manage both ROTC and classes. Prior to college, my time management skills were in need of improvement. Nevertheless, my first year I was forced to learn how to properly manage my time and dedicate myself to what needed to be done.
Going into my second year of college I was excited and full of energy for the new freshmen to come into the ROTC program. My class and I were finally not the lowest rank and could put our leadership skills we had learned to the test. After our first week, I was selected as deputy flight commander by my superiors. This automatically made me the highest-ranking non-officer in my flight and opened all sorts of leadership opportunities. As deputy flight commander I was responsible for making sure my flight was in formation before leadership laboratory started, as well as in charge of leading my flight in drill, and being the voice of my fellow cadets to the ranking officers. This new position allowed me to influence others and made me responsible for fellow cadets. Unlike the first few months of my first year in ROTC my first few months into my second year I was learning more then I could ever imagine and enjoying every minute of it. The challenges seemed to increase every week but became easier as I quickly matured and leadership became natural. However, with all this going on I still had one thing bothering me.
When I joined ROTC attending law school was always in mind but it was not until my sophomore year that I had to make the hardest decision of my life. This decision would decide my future. As my time in ROTC went on, I was informed by my superior’s that going to law school through the Air Force was a complicated process, which did not guarantee me the opportunity to attend law school. I had to decide before the beginning of my junior year because I would have to sign my future over to the Air Force at this time. This put me in a very hard position because I knew I wanted to attend law school above all else but I had put so much hard work into ROTC and being in the Air Force was something I had wanted to do. After many discussions with Colonel Stohry who was the head of Air Force ROTC at my school I decided to devote my time to being able to apply to law school and no longer continue ROTC.
Although I was disappointed to leave ROTC I was also very grateful for being a part of such a wonderful program. The two years that I was in ROTC changed my life tremendously. Since I lived so far from my family and friends I was forced to become independent very quickly. This combined with the discipline and leadership I received from the Air Force allowed me to mature into the person I am today. I made a promise to myself that if I was going to stop ROTC I would continue to carry myself in a professional manner and use what I learned to help me in school and in my life. So here I am today fulfilling my promise by applying to (LAW SCHOOLS NAME), in order to continue my carrier and put the skills I learned in ROTC and college to the test.

shiloh26
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Jul 03, 2008 7:19 pm

Re: Personal Statement Samples

Postby shiloh26 » Tue Sep 30, 2008 2:31 am

This is the roughest of drafts, I'm not even sure if I'm on the right track as far as what law schools want here. Please have your way with it, any constructive advice would be awesome. And if I did anything right, let me know too. Thanks!

Fillmore, Wisconsin: population three hundred and fifty, and that only after the development of the subdivision, effectively tripling the population and lowering the resident-to-tavern ratio to a mere 50:1. Not much of a tourist attraction and not much in the way of fine culture, this tiny village was my childhood base of operations. I spent my springs and summers acting as replacement mother to the eight mallard ducklings I had rescued from a more tragic fate from the local grain elevator, my autumns pleading with the farmer who rented our field not to touch the hill where I liked to sled, and my winters bruised and battered from sledding down the same hill, the plowed, frozen ground covered by a deceptively thin layer of November snow. Matching these pastimes with work was a necessity in a small town where work ethic was noticed and rewarded by many, and I quickly caught on, taking a childish but very real pride in how tall I could stack wood at my grandparents’ house, or how many peas I could pluck from our garden. Naturally, as I grew older, the seasons were spent dealing with more responsibility; long, hot days of laying concrete and muggy evenings of coaching and umpiring Little League baseball in the summer, while spending the rest of the seasons at Marquette, pursuing the first bachelor’s degree in my family.
The happy rural, blue-collar lifestyle that I had grown up with in Fillmore was immediately challenged upon arriving at Marquette’s urban campus. In my very first year, I found myself in an English class where I found myself asking critical questions about race, gender, and oppression, questions that made a lot of the people I had grown up around and the general social atmosphere of my home seem pretty ignorant. Why did that same nice farmer that plowed our field talk about his Hispanic employees with such disgust? Why had no black families stayed in the area for more than a year or two? Why was the single outed gay kid in high school so stigmatized? How did innocent, little Fillmore become so dirty a place in my mind so suddenly?
That first summer back in Fillmore, I fully expected to retain the sort of attitude that the first year of college had planted in me, only out of necessity, and begrudgingly, returning to a job laying concrete. Over those few months however, and even more over the next few years, rather than disdain that job and the largely uneducated people I worked with, I found a tremendous satisfaction in earning myself a good wage, and an inexplicable pride knowing that I’d be paying off my own college debts. I found an unexpected happiness in sharing a few beers with the guys from work after a long Friday, talking about their kids, my Little League team, or the perpetually enigmatic weather patterns. Unsurprisingly, the attitudes and values I had grown up in and around were resurfacing in me; Fillmore was rearing its formative head in me, and I found myself unable, or unwilling to resist.
Rather that wishing to reject where I came from or reject the sort of education that I was pursuing at Marquette and in life, I simply wished to marry two incredibly important aspects of my life, my formative Fillmore and my passion for rational and social inquiry. Rather than finding the two exclusive of one another, I progressively discovered that the two are quite compatable; in fact, love of hard work, responsibility, and the occasional beer fit in excellently with what is demanded of an academic, a critical thinker, and a student.
Some have said that we are products of our environments. I like to think of myself as a product of two distinct environments that inexplicably linked up to become more than the sum of their parts. I know that there is no better place that law school to continue to productively untangle and make sense of this curious marriage, and to allow this strange companionship to continue to grow and thrive.

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JustDude
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Re: Personal Statement Samples

Postby JustDude » Tue Sep 30, 2008 12:49 pm

borncane wrote:Hi i was wondering if you guys could tear apart my statement or point out any good that is in it !!! thanks
August 18th, 2004. 6:00 AM, one last goodbye to my family who drove me up to Ohio from Miami, Florida. Here I stood, dressed in light gray work out shorts and a t-shirt with the bold letters Air Force spelled out across my chest. It was not by accident that I ended up in Oxford, a small college town in rural Ohio. Miami University was the perfect choice for me. After growing up in Miami, Florida, a diverse cosmopolitan city, I wanted to experience something different far away from my family and friends. The journey I was about to embark on would change my life in ways I never knew I could achieve.
Once my parents left, the campus seemed uncomfortably quiet. Most freshmen would not arrive for another week and I did not know anyone at my school. As I looked around all I saw were young men my age dressed all the same. We all ended up here for different reasons; however, we had one thing in common. No one knew what to expect from the men standing in front of us in full military dress, blurting out expectations and commands.
My first year, I was the lowest rank in my detachment along with my fellow plebes. My weeks consisted of waking up at 5:30 am for physical training or raising the flag out front of our detachment. Then twice a week I went to leadership laboratory where we were required to form up in our flights. During this time we perform a variety of activities from drill (learning how to march in formation) to leadership and group building activities. Along with this, we were required to attend at least three physical training sessions a week and other Air Force ROTC activities. I also volunteered for civil air patrol. It was not only physically demanding but also mentally demanding with the constant yelling and expectations to remember all of the required Air Force knowledge.
Going into my first year of college with everything on my plate, I was nervous that I was not going to be able to handle my weekly schedule along with a full load of classes. The first few months of college, I was extremely unhappy with ROTC and the amount of time required by it per week. However, as time went on I realized that I began to enjoy it and learned how to manage both ROTC and classes. Prior to college, my time management skills were in need of improvement. Nevertheless, my first year I was forced to learn how to properly manage my time and dedicate myself to what needed to be done.
Going into my second year of college I was excited and full of energy for the new freshmen to come into the ROTC program. My class and I were finally not the lowest rank and could put our leadership skills we had learned to the test. After our first week, I was selected as deputy flight commander by my superiors. This automatically made me the highest-ranking non-officer in my flight and opened all sorts of leadership opportunities. As deputy flight commander I was responsible for making sure my flight was in formation before leadership laboratory started, as well as in charge of leading my flight in drill, and being the voice of my fellow cadets to the ranking officers. This new position allowed me to influence others and made me responsible for fellow cadets. Unlike the first few months of my first year in ROTC my first few months into my second year I was learning more then I could ever imagine and enjoying every minute of it. The challenges seemed to increase every week but became easier as I quickly matured and leadership became natural. However, with all this going on I still had one thing bothering me.
When I joined ROTC attending law school was always in mind but it was not until my sophomore year that I had to make the hardest decision of my life. This decision would decide my future. As my time in ROTC went on, I was informed by my superior’s that going to law school through the Air Force was a complicated process, which did not guarantee me the opportunity to attend law school. I had to decide before the beginning of my junior year because I would have to sign my future over to the Air Force at this time. This put me in a very hard position because I knew I wanted to attend law school above all else but I had put so much hard work into ROTC and being in the Air Force was something I had wanted to do. After many discussions with Colonel Stohry who was the head of Air Force ROTC at my school I decided to devote my time to being able to apply to law school and no longer continue ROTC.
Although I was disappointed to leave ROTC I was also very grateful for being a part of such a wonderful program. The two years that I was in ROTC changed my life tremendously. Since I lived so far from my family and friends I was forced to become independent very quickly. This combined with the discipline and leadership I received from the Air Force allowed me to mature into the person I am today. I made a promise to myself that if I was going to stop ROTC I would continue to carry myself in a professional manner and use what I learned to help me in school and in my life. So here I am today fulfilling my promise by applying to (LAW SCHOOLS NAME), in order to continue my carrier and put the skills I learned in ROTC and college to the test.



I will summarize it for other people:


Blah - blah - blah
Blah - blah - blah

Blah - blah - blah - blah - blah Blah - blah - blah

I bailed from force I cannot be relied upon, because of selfish interests.

Blah - blah - blah

Blah - blah - blah

Blah - blah - blah

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JustDude
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Re: Personal Statement Samples

Postby JustDude » Tue Sep 30, 2008 1:01 pm

. In my very first year, I found myself in an English class where I found myself asking critical questions about race, gender, and oppression, questions that made a lot of the people I had grown up around and the general social atmosphere of my home seem pretty ignorant.


I think this is the best sentence in the whole PS.

jjr3
Posts: 9
Joined: Mon Jul 07, 2008 9:17 am

Re: Personal Statement Samples

Postby jjr3 » Wed Oct 01, 2008 12:03 pm

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Last edited by jjr3 on Sun Oct 05, 2008 4:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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JuryDueT1000
Posts: 109
Joined: Fri Jul 18, 2008 1:01 pm

Re: Personal Statement Samples

Postby JuryDueT1000 » Wed Oct 01, 2008 12:08 pm

You really love commas....

jjr3
Posts: 9
Joined: Mon Jul 07, 2008 9:17 am

Re: Personal Statement Samples

Postby jjr3 » Wed Oct 01, 2008 12:12 pm

-
Last edited by jjr3 on Thu Apr 30, 2009 3:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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JuryDueT1000
Posts: 109
Joined: Fri Jul 18, 2008 1:01 pm

Re: Personal Statement Samples

Postby JuryDueT1000 » Wed Oct 01, 2008 12:15 pm

jjr3 wrote:
ChrisMike624 wrote:You really love comas....


I'm really more of a semi-colon guy...don't worry about the grammar etc. I was more interested in whether or not I was on the right track. I know I gotta kill my PS since my stats (172/3.5) make me borderline at a lot of my top choices


You say you were diagnosed with learning disorders/mental health issues, but then say you were gifted, which was it? You're surely not saying you were gifted with learning disorders are you?

jjr3
Posts: 9
Joined: Mon Jul 07, 2008 9:17 am

Re: Personal Statement Samples

Postby jjr3 » Wed Oct 01, 2008 12:21 pm

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Last edited by jjr3 on Sun Oct 05, 2008 4:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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JuryDueT1000
Posts: 109
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Re: Personal Statement Samples

Postby JuryDueT1000 » Wed Oct 01, 2008 12:25 pm

Having a learning disorder and mental health issues doesn't make you "gifted." Maybe that's what mommy told you to make you feel better, but in the real world a "gifted child" is one that has significantly above normal intelligence and learns at an accelerated rate, quite the opposite of what you think gifted means...

littleboyblue
Posts: 137
Joined: Thu Sep 04, 2008 10:12 am

Re: Personal Statement Samples

Postby littleboyblue » Wed Oct 01, 2008 12:46 pm

ChrisMike624 wrote:Having a learning disorder and mental health issues doesn't make you "gifted." Maybe that's what mommy told you to make you feel better, but in the real world a "gifted child" is one that has significantly above normal intelligence and learns at an accelerated rate, quite the opposite of what you think gifted means...


i would think you could be both. i think most peope with asperger's syndrome are acutally gifted individuals yet certainly have learning disabilities and other issues. you could also be gifted in numbers/math but be dyslexic? no? i am sure i can come up with other scenarios.

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JustDude
Posts: 354
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Re: Personal Statement Samples

Postby JustDude » Wed Oct 01, 2008 3:43 pm

jjr3 wrote:
ChrisMike624 wrote:You really love comas....


I'm really more of a semi-colon guy...don't worry about the grammar etc. I was more interested in whether or not I was on the right track. I know I gotta kill my PS since my stats (172/3.5) make me borderline at a lot of my top choices


Otherwise your PS will kill you.

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JuryDueT1000
Posts: 109
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Re: Personal Statement Samples

Postby JuryDueT1000 » Wed Oct 01, 2008 4:00 pm

jjr3 wrote:
littleboyblue wrote:
ChrisMike624 wrote:Having a learning disorder and mental health issues doesn't make you "gifted." Maybe that's what mommy told you to make you feel better, but in the real world a "gifted child" is one that has significantly above normal intelligence and learns at an accelerated rate, quite the opposite of what you think gifted means...


i would think you could be both. i think most peope with asperger's syndrome are acutally gifted individuals yet certainly have learning disabilities and other issues. you could also be gifted in numbers/math but be dyslexic? no? i am sure i can come up with other scenarios.


Of course you can. I think ChrisMike was just trying to piss me off haha...but thanks for the support :)


So are you gifted? Did you attend a program for gifted children? Or are you self-proclaimed gifted?

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dbt
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Re: Personal Statement Samples

Postby dbt » Thu Oct 02, 2008 5:15 pm

I'm not sure if I will use this (at all) or whether I will use it for a personal statement or diversity statement...I may add to it as well. Can anyone give me opinons?


A bead of sweat trickles down my forehead, stops indefinitely on an eyelash, and interrupts my shoveling. I glance up at the sun; it glares back. It is the summer, and I have just completed my junior year of college, but I have been here before. Memories of the summer after graduation rush back to me, and I remember why I said that I would never do this job again. “Why did I come back to this?” I think to myself.
Dad shouts from the backhoe something about needing more water in the tanks. Always smiling, Ernesto carries out the task at hand in his drenched t-shirt. He looks at me for a moment and smiles; I haven’t noticed that I have been staring at him with a smile that signifies respect. I take a drink and am lost in a moment of thought that could be a revelation: here is a man that left his home and family behind in Mexico and works in the Texas heat virtually without end, yet from him I have never seen the slightest sign of disgust. I wipe the sweat from my face with my sleeve, to no avail - the sleeve itself is already soaked. I am hot, very tired, and angry.
The job is done. We load the backhoe and head home. Mom greets me with a smile and says that dinner is ready. She is delighted that I am home from college and, for the moment, I am too. Hunger overcomes my desire for a shower and I eat in dirty clothes. Dinner conversation flows into politics and the election. I am from Texas, the countryside, and my parents have lived here for their entire life; after twenty years of the same, I travelled nearly 2000 miles to attend one of the most liberal schools in the nation. We have our differences, and it is in this dinner setting that they are brought to the surface. Political discourse becomes ideological, and this leads to a discussion of my personal choices. I sense in my parents disappointment overshadowed by admiration.
I take a shower and look in the mirror. Who is it that I see? I am proud. I sit on the porch and watch the sunset; rays of pink and purple fill the sky. The door opens and I look to see who it is: one dog, another dog, mom. Pine scent fills the air; my mom takes a seat and we talk. Things between us have changed for the better. It is late and I will be waking up before sunrise for the remainder of the summer. After only a month, I miss my college friends more than ever. A mosquito bites my leg as I walk back inside and I am reminded of when, at the age of eight, one had bitten me near my eye during the night; I was so swollen the next morning that my mom let me stay home from school but only on the condition that she could call me the elephant man for the rest of the day.
I go to bed but thought continues. My mind wants to stay up despite my body’s objections. It’s been a hard day, like the many before it and the many to come. I think to myself again, “Why did I come back?” but I am no longer at a loss for words.
Last edited by dbt on Thu Oct 02, 2008 8:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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JustDude
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Re: Personal Statement Samples

Postby JustDude » Thu Oct 02, 2008 7:09 pm

A bead of sweat trickles down my forehead, stops indefinitely on an eyelash, and interrupts my shoveling. I glance up at the sun; it glares back. It is the summer, and I have just completed my junior year of college, but I have been here before. Memories of the summer after graduation rush back to me, and I remember why I said that I would never do this job again. “Why did I come back to this?” I think to myself.


So basically you have aversion to hard work. I mean otherwise you wouldn’t ask this question.

Dad shouts from the backhoe something about needing more water in the tanks. Always smiling, Ernesto carries out the task at hand in his drenched t-shirt. He looks at me for a moment and smiles; I haven’t noticed that I have been staring at him with a smile that signifies approval, empathy, respect.


“Approval”. “Respect”. Dude, this is so patronizing and self-righteous, its not even funny. You have a habit of approving day laborers???..

I take a drink and am lost in a moment of thought that could be a revelation: here is a man that left his home and family behind in Mexico and works in the Texas heat virtually without end,


And virtually without pay. Hahhahahahahahaha

yet from him I have never seen the slightest sign of disgust.


He has to smile to his masters – Gringos. That’s their rule #1.

I wipe the sweat from my face with my sleeve, to no avail - the sleeve itself is already soaked. I am hot, very tired, and angry.


So hard work makes you angry. Even after revelation with the day laborer. Hmmmm.

The job is done. We load the backhoe and head home. Mom greets me with a smile and says that dinner is ready.


Not so much for Ernesto.

She is delighted that I am home from college and, for the moment, I am too.


You don’t like to work, but you do like to eat.

Hunger overcomes my desire for a shower and I eat in dirty clothes. Dinner conversation flows into politics and the election. I am from Texas, the countryside, and my parents have lived here for their entire life; after twenty years of the same, I travelled nearly 2000 miles to attend one of the most liberal schools in the nation.


And now you are full of sh…….. oops yourself.

We have our differences, and it is in this dinner setting that they are brought to the surface. Political discourse becomes ideological, and this leads to a discussion of my personal choices. I sense in my parents disappointment overshadowed by admiration.


Admiration???.. Dude, you really are full of s***.

I take a shower and look in the mirror. Who is it that I see? I am proud.


Well, I am speechless.

I sit on the porch and watch the sunset; rays of pink and purple fill the sky. The door opens and I look to see who it is: one dog, another dog, mom.


I like that order.

Pine scent fills the air; my mom takes a seat and we talk. Things between us have changed for the better.




That’s probably because you changed for the better. Imbued with those liberalistic ideas.

It is late and I will be waking up before sunrise for the remainder of the summer. After only a month, I miss my college friends more than ever. A mosquito bites my leg as I walk back inside and I am reminded of when, at the age of eight, one had bitten me near my eye during the night; I was so swollen the next morning that my mom let me stay home from school but only on the condition that she could call me the elephant man for the rest of the day.


You have a screwed up family dude.

I go to bed but thought continues. My mind wants to stay up despite my body’s objections.


And it wants to enjoy one more time your image in the mirror.

It’s been a hard day, like the many before it and the many to come. I think to myself again, “Why did I come back?” but I am no longer at a loss for words.



Well, I am…

User avatar
dbt
Posts: 617
Joined: Sat Jun 07, 2008 11:46 am

Re: Personal Statement Samples

Postby dbt » Thu Oct 02, 2008 7:52 pm

so you liked it? cool.

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JustDude
Posts: 354
Joined: Wed Jan 02, 2008 10:07 pm

Re: Personal Statement Samples

Postby JustDude » Thu Oct 02, 2008 7:53 pm

dbt wrote:so you liked it? cool.



Hmmm No. It could be better

User avatar
dbt
Posts: 617
Joined: Sat Jun 07, 2008 11:46 am

Re: Personal Statement Samples

Postby dbt » Thu Oct 02, 2008 7:55 pm

i do think i might add the part about gringos needing to smile to their masters. and maybe a futurama reference. then i'd be really cool.

sluggo
Posts: 147
Joined: Thu Jul 17, 2008 1:01 pm

Re: Personal Statement Samples

Postby sluggo » Sat Oct 04, 2008 12:33 pm

you need to vary your sentence structure, use way less semi-colons and most importantly stop trying to use so many pointless descriptions about random stuff. it doesn't really paint much of a detailed coherent picture. instead its just distracting.




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