Personal Statement Feedback

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Jam3jr

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Posts: 2
Joined: Fri May 26, 2017 10:29 pm

Personal Statement Feedback

Postby Jam3jr » Mon Jan 22, 2018 11:36 am

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Last edited by Jam3jr on Tue Jan 23, 2018 11:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

DrGlennRichie

Bronze
Posts: 171
Joined: Sun Jan 15, 2017 4:22 pm

Re: Personal Statement Feedback

Postby DrGlennRichie » Tue Jan 23, 2018 1:33 am

I would guess it is OKish. Few items:

1. Didn't like 2 sentences starting with "While" so close to each other. Also several times used "Growing up". Just stylistic changes. Try not to make a complex sentence when a simple would do.

2. Watch out for grammar, "While initially challenging, I am eternally grateful for my experiences living overseas as a military dependent." we have a dangling modifier here.

3. Content wise. Generally I liked you story but adding more personal experiences in a foreign environment would make it more personal. You only had one o two sentences.

4. Content. Your jump between travel and government is a bit abrupt. You can soften by showing that different cultures required a different governments. And seeing that interaction society-culture-government made you more aware how successful government works. More personal experiences can expand on that.



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