- Posts: 171
- Joined: Sun Jan 15, 2017 4:22 pm
1. Didn't like 2 sentences starting with "While" so close to each other. Also several times used "Growing up". Just stylistic changes. Try not to make a complex sentence when a simple would do.
2. Watch out for grammar, "While initially challenging, I am eternally grateful for my experiences living overseas as a military dependent." we have a dangling modifier here.
3. Content wise. Generally I liked you story but adding more personal experiences in a foreign environment would make it more personal. You only had one o two sentences.
4. Content. Your jump between travel and government is a bit abrupt. You can soften by showing that different cultures required a different governments. And seeing that interaction society-culture-government made you more aware how successful government works. More personal experiences can expand on that.
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