Near Final Draft; Critiques Welcome

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Near Final Draft; Critiques Welcome

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Dec 17, 2014 3:17 pm

Thanks for your critiques!

By the way, work on your vocabularies!
Last edited by Anonymous User on Thu Dec 18, 2014 10:53 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Near Final Draft; Critiques Welcome

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Dec 17, 2014 3:45 pm

Not good. Try to write in a clear and concise manner. Poor word choices throughout your PS.

Reconsider your theme. The overall message seems to be that the university disciplinary process befuddled you, prompting you to work hard to understand it & then you shared your understanding with other students. Not, in my opinion, a strong theme.

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Re: Near Final Draft; Critiques Welcome

Postby hillz » Wed Dec 17, 2014 3:52 pm

I think the theme could work, but the way you've written it makes it really difficult for the reader to get to know you as a person. I would work on making your writing less wordy and easier to read. There's no need to use as many large words as possible. Overall, it's just really flat and lacks the human element. Make the reader understand and sympathize with you and Marcayce.

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Re: Near Final Draft; Critiques Welcome

Postby lawschool1741 » Wed Dec 17, 2014 4:32 pm

Agree with posts above.

Also, the way you introduced Marcayce through me for a loop. I couldn't understand if I had missed something in your story, if that was a name I was supposed to know, or if that was even a name at all.

Are you intending on disclosing this brush with student affairs on your C&F? If not, why would you want to bring up a potential problem? If so, I think most of this should be in your C&F essay.

So, essentially you are saying: I am great applicant for your law school and eventually the bar because I almost got in trouble, didn't understand why, and then was able to help a guilty friend get off on lesser charges? I guess that's not necessarily a terrible sell(depending on the school), but you should simplify and refine the message to make it more clear.

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Re: Near Final Draft; Critiques Welcome

Postby JustDuke » Thu Dec 18, 2014 4:12 am

This is "it's started with a simple toy" all over again. That should no go above lower T2 level in any shape or form.

Also, language is atrocious

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