Personal Statement Topic Critique Forum

[bohemiandaisy]

Hello all,

I was here last year and had a lot of help and input from you guys regarding essay ideas. I had to retake the LSAT, so I'm back. I wanted to confirm whether or not my personal statement is a good idea or not. I am aiming to attend UCLA or USC.

I know law schools emphasize the personal in personal statements and how I can make a distinctive contribution. More important, they want to know about my specific interests and personal qualities. I wanted to organize my personal statement around the motif/symbol of the blue rose which holds a lot of importance to me. Blue roses are symbolically significant in literature and the arts (I studied Comp Lit) and they basically symbolize the impossible, idealism, the unattainable, the unknown and ambiguity. In fact, they do not exist naturally in nature and researchers are currently trying to figure out how to grow blue roses. I want to focus my entire essay on my personal quality of tenacious intellectual curiosity and my thirst for the unknown. I have shown these qualities through the production of a lengthy thesis on an obscure poet during Wilde's time (there was virtually no info on this poet and my work contributed to the field of Victorian poetry) and multiple research papers on the arts and literature in which I contributed to knowledge in the arts. I somehow want to link my passion for research and literature to my decision to pursue law.

This is where the blue rose comes in. I want to open with a description of my experiences as an actress (a hobby of mine) where I played a relatable character whose nickname was Blue Roses. I believe the symbol of the blue rose is important and interesting because ever since I played this part, I realized the importance of retaining and maintaining my idealism. The character was a damaged idealist (it's a Tennessee Williams play) and I realized the importance of living and thinking deeply through this role. I believe the legal field can benefit from more dreamers and idealists - especially those who are committed to making dreams a reality. My idealism is expressed through my insatiable thirst for knowledge and exploring the unknown and contributing to research. Instead of rehashing my resume (my old PS did this), I would like to focus solely on my experience as a writer/literary critic during the production of my difficult and obscure thesis. The thesis' topic and my perseverance in producing the substantive work evinces my intellectual curiosity, the trait I will be emphasizing in the essay. I prefer to go over and beyond in my research and schoolwork rather than skim the surface.

What I will bring to law school: I am not afraid of the unknown and pursuing the impossible. I consider myself an innovator, artist, and a problem solver who courts new challenges and is enamored with the impossible. The natural idealist (poet in me) has given me an ability and penchant to see things in multiple lights and to assume new challenges. My frequent retreats into the surreal world of art, theatre, and literature has rendered me to become an innovator and problem solver. I want to demonstrate my intellectual restlessness, tenacity, and thirst for mastering the unknown/my love for the enigmatic and ambiguous. Law can be a vehicle through which unforeseen changes can be made; it allows me to be a realist and a dreamer where dreams can be transformed into reality. I believe my interest in the arts and my persona as a "dreamer" or idealist who brings about change is what will allow me to make a distinctive contribution.

Thus, my big question is how to structure these themes and this topic into a compelling essay. I am hoping to bring together and parallel my literary pursuits and my legal aspirations. I think it would be clever to demonstrate the above discussed personal traits/quality through my research experiences, most notably my thesis (I actually wrote two theses and numerous published essays). After all, reading an ambiguous literary text is not too far from legal readings. More important, I am afraid of coming across as too academic. But UCLA and USC both have prompts that address my academic background, so I hope this is okay. I want to ultimately show how my artistic, imaginative, and dreamy nature isn't an impediment, but rather an advantage: I can see the world through many perspectives and hope to use my idealism to create practical change. This is the central idea.

Here is the old post:
http://www.top-law-schools.com/forums/v ... 8&t=221100 I have changed things around significantly since then!

Please let me know if this is a suitable topic. I am rather committed to the idea and see potential for it. I really would like feedback and more important, help regarding structure and the overall academic tone. Thank you!

[bohemiandaisy]

BUMP. Please help and give me some feedback

[BillsFan9907]

Is it at all possible for you to write a draft? It would be a lot easier if there was at least some sketch as to ow you see it all coming together, no matter how inchoate your ideas are right now. The problem is that I do not think anyone here is qualified enough to try to weave a blue rose theme into an essay. You have to at least show us a little bit. Once there is an essay, we can identify basic issues (if they are there) and most importantly, whether it makes sense to us.

[bohemiandaisy]

Hi,

Thanks for responding. I am going to start writing tomorrow. I just don't want to waste time on an essay that may be deemed too "academic." I just want to know if the theme and idea is good for now. Any thoughts?

[rinkrat19]

I don't believe in good topics and bad topics, only good and bad writing.

Sounding too academic can be bad. But so can sounding like a pretentious, navel-gazing poseur. Just judging by that novel you wrote up there in the OP to attempt to describe the topic, I have a feeling that might be an issue.

By all means, write about your experiences acting and writing a thesis. But make it readable.

[BillsFan9907]

There is no such thing as wasting time when writing a PS. I would say a near majority of people write a PS on one topic, decide to switch but use a lot of elements from their first attempt. Please, please please do not see it as wasting time. If you are very cramped on time, make some changes to get this done. Wake up earlier just for a day. I promise that writing this out or even just the first page will not be a waste.

[bohemiandaisy]

I don't believe in good topics and bad topics, only good and bad writing.

Sounding too academic can be bad. But so can sounding like a pretentious, navel-gazing poseur. Just judging by that novel you wrote up there in the OP to attempt to describe the topic, I have a feeling that might be an issue.

By all means, write about your experiences acting and writing a thesis. But make it readable.

Wow. Are you or any TLS member actually capable of giving advice without sounding like a complete bitter asshole? If anyone is pretentious, it's you. My description or "novel" as you put it was actually an attempt to get help.

Thanks for the advice I suppose. I will avoid being academic and instead focus on writing about my passion for literature.

[bohemiandaisy]

There is no such thing as wasting time when writing a PS. I would say a near majority of people write a PS on one topic, decide to switch but use a lot of elements from their first attempt. Please, please please do not see it as wasting time. If you are very cramped on time, make some changes to get this done. Wake up earlier just for a day. I promise that writing this out or even just the first page will not be a waste.

Thank you! I shall start writing today! You're absolutely right. I think about me is just afraid to start.

[fakeacct12]

Hi There Bohemian Daisy,

I kinda concur with what Seoul is saying. It’s tough for us to say without a draft but based off what you have said in your post, what you’re heading towards seem fine. It really depends ultimately upon the prompt because some prompts are very open ended(like UCLA) but some prompts are really restrictive like UCI(500 words max which isn’t a lot, this post alone is over 700 words, not including quotes).

I really enjoyed reading your post and I like the direction you are heading in thus far. The writing you are doing is in line with what you studied and it shows. Me being a finance major I wouldn’t be able to pull that off.

I am also working on my applications at the moment, and I’ve looked at around 15-20 schools and what they require/ask for in the personal statement. A lot are open ended but they do stress clarity, proper grammar, and structure. After reading through your old posts, there are a literally like 10-15 topics you could write your statement on daisy. You could talk about the hardship, the biglaw firm, theatre, your research, or your time on the law journal. Your outline is pretty good, you just have to write the draft now. And then see how it looks after. I am still tinkering around with my personal statement and will get some feedback tonight from a friend about what he thinks. The only thing I can think of is just try to make it easy on the reader or make sure the reader picks up on the symbolism of the blue rose and your experiences and how they relate. The ad comm. members usually read the applications in batch ie ten in a row and then 10 more the following day. I would state explicitly about the connection between you and the blue rose. Also, I would state explicitly about you being an idealist and how that relates which you can do either in the beginning or the end. The only reason why I am saying you should state this information explicitly usually schools have faculty members, students, and admissions representative read your applications. Some may get, some might not. It’s just better to be safe rather than have them be confused. I just want to restate that its best to tailor your statement towards the schools personal statement prompt. I don’t know what USCs’ prompt is, but if it mentions something that is required or mentions something like Why USC law school, you should address that.

Now on to your 2nd question.

Thus, my big question is how to structure these themes and this topic into a compelling essay. I am hoping to bring together and parallel my literary pursuits and my legal aspirations.

I think the ideal way is to start your essay is to open up with your experience as an actress and then relate it to the blue rose. This is where you introduce that concept to the reader so they are cognizant. Then in the body you discuss your experience as a scholar/literary critic. You can bring up the themes and emphasize your intellectual curiosity. Through your experience you can elaborate or emphasize further on your intellectual curiosity and your thirst for the unknown. For your thesis perhaps just focus on one. I know you said you wrote two and then had many published essays but at this point I think one will suffice. Most prompts say 2 pages max double spaced or 2-3 max double spaced. For UCLA I don’t think there is a limit, so you are free to elaborate on another thesis or on your research that contributed to Victorian Poetry, but other schools there are limits. I am just saying this because this post by itself is almost close to two pages double spaced, so I guess I am trying to show how restrictive some prompts can be.

Please let me know if this is a suitable topic. I am rather committed to the idea and see potential for it. I really would like feedback and more important, help regarding structure and the overall academic tone.

Don’t worry about coming across as too academic, at this point based off the information you have provided everything looks fine. I’d be more concerned about clarity, how easy it is to transition between ideas, and how engaging your personal statement is. It’s tough for me to give you feedback on the tone, I need to see a draft first. But I would just emphasize perhaps a curious, positive tone. I wouldn’t be negative and state how difficult or unfair it was dealing with an obscure thesis, or anything like that.

[Skool]

OP. It's clear that you don't have a grip on your audience and what they want out of a law student.

You are being vetted for entry into a profession. Your cover letter should be clear precise professional writing. Leave your symbolism at the door. Think more cover letter for a job and less creative writing assignment. Granted, there is room for more story telling in a PS than in the standard cover letter, but you are too far in the creative writing side of the spectrum.

There are a ton of red flags and the word navel gazers comes to mind, as others have discussed. Intellectual restlessness: sounds like you're spinning your wheels in the mud; thirst for mastering the unknown: not necessarily chasing real problems; seeing things in multiple lights: do you have a point of view (aside from "dreamer"); innovator and problem solver: what problems have you ever solved?; tenacious: maybe but what have you endured, the weight of your genius?

Really, your whole problem is the notion of this "persona". Who the fuck are you really? What have you accomplished and what do you want to accomplish?


Don't worry about coming across as academic. You want to come across as lawyerly and nothing you've discussed above makes you sound like you would be a credit to the profession.

TLDR; be professional and present yourself as a future lawyer.

[bohemiandaisy]

Skool, that was actually quite helpful. Thank you for taking the time to read it and comment.

I have actually changed my personal statement since then. I am focusing on my passion for the written word/art of persuasion and why that excites me. I'll be using my passion for a particular novel (s) to demonstrate that. On the TLS guide to personal statements, it says you could technically do that.

Here is something similar to what I'm pursuing:
http://spiveyconsulting.com/blog/a-pers ... at-worked/

Is what I presented above "navel gazing?"

Additionally,I should focus on only one personal quality rather than the litany of words I provided?

[rinkrat19]

How to not write a navel-gazing PS:

Avoid cringe-worthy phrases like "litany of words" and "insatiable thirst."
Use simple, declaratory sentences. Don't try to show how clever you are with the complexity of your prose.
Write with straightforward, genuine emotion, not with melodramatics and overwrought symbolism.
Basically, just stop taking yourself and your writing so damn seriously.

But most of all, get some words down on paper so you have something to start with. No matter how much you try, it's not going to be perfect on the first draft. But you can't perfect what doesn't exist yet.

[bohemiandaisy]

OK, I got it. Write in a concise and succinct manner like a lawyer. I will avoid flowery language.

The topic itself (passion for the written word) is not the problem, just the way I write. Correct?

I'll have something by Monday.

[rinkrat19]

OK, I got it. Write in a concise and succinct manner like a lawyer. I will avoid flowery language.

The topic itself (passion for the written word) is not the problem, just the way I write. Correct?

I'll have something by Monday.

You got it, except remember that concise prose can still be elegant and pleasant to read (moreso than flowery langauge, IMO). Good luck.

[bohemiandaisy]

OK, I got it. Write in a concise and succinct manner like a lawyer. I will avoid flowery language.

The topic itself (passion for the written word) is not the problem, just the way I write. Correct?

I'll have something by Monday.

You got it, except remember that concise prose can still be elegant and pleasant to read (moreso than flowery langauge, IMO). Good luck.

Rinkrat, yes I know. Flowery language is less elegant and overwrought. I had a professor walk me through this dilemma of mine in college. Let's just say I read a lot of Charles Dickens as a child.

It's the nerves and inability to start that's making me incoherent.

I'll post soon. Thanks for your help.

[Skool]

The topic itself (passion for the written word) is not the problem, just the way I write. Correct?

Honestly I hate it, but Spivey seems to endorse the kind of theme you want to work on, so maybe ad-coms will welcome it. For the record, I didn't like the Spivey thing you linked to either. It spends way more time doing this aesthetic comparison of literature to music than it does considering the effect of the practice of law on people.

In other words, it makes an abstraction of the law and treats people as a secondary concern. The primary concern is beauty and aesthetic mastery (which admittedly takes discipline and hardwork). Still, I think you and the guy in the link show something unpleasant about yourselves without realizing it.

What does a person who worships "the written word" bring to an intellectual community, let alone a profession? And additionally, how does your worshipfulness of he written word differentiate you from people with similar numbers who are also knocking at the door for admission? I like books too, so what?

If you go down that road, keep those questions in mind.

Also, I want to thank you for sharing your essay. I get value out of these exchanges too since I'm also trying to figure out the best way to move my statements forward.

[bohemiandaisy]

Well I want to thank you for your criticism. I'm actually currently working with Spivey.

I personally love the essay I provided, but I think the essay is too theoretical/abstract. You don't learn too much about the reader. How about I show you a real draft when I'm finished? I think the personal statement I provided to you leaves the legal profession as a mere aside at the end. I do not intend to do that either.

The person's essay I linked you to lacks this element: I actually think storytelling, a love for the art of narrative, and a recognition of the power of words is absolutely essential to law. Behind every case there is a story to be told. Law is not just a profession, but can involve the making and unmaking of lives. My parents were involved in a four year lawsuit that absolutely devastated our lives. Law isn't just about rules and facts. In my opinion (and feel free to differ), thinking about law as just a conglomerate of facts/rules to memorize doesn't make an outstanding lawyer. Legal thinking requires synthesis and creativity as well (or at least some imaginative faculties). The art of persuasion is critical. There's a whole movement in legal writing that addresses the importance of literature (not that I would ever bring it up in an essay). Not to go on a rant, but if you don't think there's a story behind every case, then you are forgetting the human element in law.

Also, maybe I want to do actually do something productive with my love for the written word. I used to want to pursue a PhD in English, but I didn't want to waste away writing about dead poets in some Ivory Tower. I could actually use the power of words to bring about change in the legal community. The power of persuasion is vital and brings about results when you are a lawyer. As an academic, you're persuading people about your opinion on a work someone probably never intends on reading. Sad, but true. So, perhaps my love for words can finally leave the fanciful world of poetry and mean something in reality.

This is also a PERSONAL statement. I don't want to just provide a laundry list about why I want to become a lawyer. Or worse, rehash my resume. I want to show my passion for the arts because that's what is important about me. I think my idealism and poetic nature can bring a lot to an intellectual community. My ability to play and manipulate words to persuade, seduce, and convince is what makes me unique, not just a mere love of books. Like Nabokov, I love language and I have a desire to master it. I think if someone has that deep of a passion for words, they can certainly make a distinctive contribution to a law school.

As you advised, I am going to get off the creative end of the spectrum. I'm also going to avoid the navel-gazing and flowery language and write like a lawyer. But I don't necessarily think that my passions are irrelevant to a legal community.
What are you writing on? Or are you in law school?

Sorry about the long rant, but like you, I find these exchanges valuable as well. I hope you see a different and more pleasant side to my essay and me.

[rinkrat19]

Everything you just posted sounds like you are on the right track now. So stop writing 500-word TLS posts and write a draft!

I am currently writing a Brady motion for the production of exculpatory evidence. (3L, working on my clinic shit.) It has to be persuasive, logical, concise, and backed up with legal authority.

[Skool]

I agree with the last poster that your most recent post is hitting some better notes. I don't disagree with anything you said in your last post, especially because it recognizes the art of words as means to an end rather than an end itself. Inverting the relationship seems to be the thing to avoid and the path you initially seemed to be going down.

Me? After showing my drafts to friends, they accused me of what you seemed to: not digging into the personal enough in my personal statement. I just don't think I'm more interesting than my work (but I use anecdotes and discussion of social and political implications rather than listings off my resume), so I got my own problems to sort out. I'll probably post my statement around here once it's sorted.

I'd be happy to look at the next version of whatever you draft and post. Best of luck.