Need PS Critique 172 LSAT 3.9 GPA

[viper11smith]

This is just a first draft but here is what I have. Any critiques would be greatly appreciated:

Hello you judgmental prick, my name should be evident to you already, as you have no doubt seen my superior GPA and LSAT scores. This is my personal statement. I have confidence that in the next five to ten minutes you will know me well enough to make a decision that will affect both my life, and the future of your prestigious institution. Why am I so confident that I will achieve this end? Because I am such an exceedingly uninteresting person that any more than the two to three pages allowed to me would be tedious. And so, with that engaging and attention grabbing introduction, I will begin this exercise of verbally masturbating in front of the mirror.
To begin, I must address why I will be such a slightly better-than-average law student. When I was a young boy, my mother used to buy me toy after toy. She didn't do this because I was a particularly good child, or because I did something, such as chores, to earn her material adoration. The reason my mother took the time from her day to drive me to the human cesspool also known as Wal-Mart and wait with unmatched patience for me to select an overpriced piece of plastic was that she was terrified of the alternative: the impending category five hurricane of a tantrum I would throw if I didn't receive my prize. And why did I subject my mother to this prison of fear? I couldn't stand not being the kid with the most toys. It was necessary that I be the child with the most action figures. It was a status symbol that represented the greatness and adoration that I was, and still am, entitled to. So, as you can see, I have the perfect sociopathic personality cocktail to thrive in the legal profession.
Next, I would like to demonstrate to you that I am not you're run of the mill law student because I know you race traitors are fond of giving law school positions to the lesser races. This might surprise you at first,. I admit, I am white, I am upper middle class and I have faced very little adversity in my privileged life. However, adversity is not the source of my diversity. In fact, it's precisely the opposite: it is due to my gift. Believe it or not (if you don't believe it, F@$K you) I am a psychic. That's right I see the future. This benefits you in two ways. First, you would receive a great deal of public support and notoriety for being the only school with a REAL psychic in your ranks. Additionally, I would provide psychic services for members of your staff for the right price, which would be a very high price, probably in the form of sexual favors.
You are nothing more than a paper pushing zombie who must review this application because they pay you to do it. Trust me, I realize this, however I am thanking you because I feel that kissing up to you a bit will result in a more favorable review of my application. And so, thank you for taking the time to review my application, and thank you in advance for accepting me and offering me a very generous scholarship. In the eternal words of the late Notorious B.I.G. , “Uh, and if you don't know, now you know, ninja, uh”.

[Valamar]

retake

[MidwestLifer]

retake

+1, OP's below median.

[MadagascarYX]

Auto admit.

[MistakenGenius]

Post removed.

[nothingtosee]

Why u mad?

Sounds like your life has given you a better starting spot to get into law school than 98% of people.

Eta: living Americans aged 20-30

[Arad]

LMFAO.

You should send that to TTTT schools and see if they accept you.

[heavoldgotjuice]

Seems alright. I think the word is "[HI I'M THE WORD FILTER. THIS PERSON MIGHT BE A DICK.]," not "ninja"

[Rigo]

In the paragraph beginning with "Next" it should be your* instead of you're.
Other than that, really good!

[KMart]

LMFAO.

You should send that to TTTT schools and see if they accept you.

Curious on how this would play out..

[w0w]

do it. please.