Deleted

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

Which one?

Personal statement
1
33%
Diversity statement
1
33%
Neither
1
33%
Both!
0
No votes
 
Total votes: 3

winterorange
Posts: 94
Joined: Thu Jan 02, 2014 6:38 am

Deleted

Postby winterorange » Fri Jan 17, 2014 3:04 am

Deleted! Thanks for the feedback.
Last edited by winterorange on Thu Feb 13, 2014 6:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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retaking23
Posts: 453
Joined: Thu Nov 01, 2012 10:34 pm

Re: PS? DS? Not sure yet

Postby retaking23 » Fri Jan 17, 2014 10:14 am

This is a superb statement and any comments I have may seem like nitpicking so take them with a grain of salt.

"I could pick out my father’s image in every photo they my family showed me."

"The perpetual foreigner—the eyes of others when they witness hear my American English, their effusive praise and my inexplicable shame, as if I have spat upon my parents and the language they have worked so hard to perfect." This sentence is also a run-on: perhaps consider breaking it into two?

"I have gained a confidence that comes from carving out a space for myself, from knowing that I do not need to choose whose expectations to live up to---neither my peers' nor my parents'., my peers or my parents."


Those are about all the grammar issues I can spot. As far as general thoughts, I do not know if you describing the precarious role of your father (as neither completely abusive nor entirely embracing of western culture) is especially important to the statement. Maybe flesh out the conclusion to his role in your narrative a little more and you should be golden. Also, maybe you should elaborate a little more on your goals in law school and beyond just because this is for law school. Again, this is all nitpicking. Good luck!

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mandyjay11
Posts: 1159
Joined: Tue Jul 16, 2013 10:36 am

Re: PS? DS? Not sure yet

Postby mandyjay11 » Fri Jan 17, 2014 10:28 am

I really, really enjoyed reading this. I agree with the above poster in regards to adding a little more to the conclusion about his role in your identity. You describe it, but it could use a little "wrap up."

I don't think you should take out ANY descriptive text about your dad, that adds a really good dimension to the story.

Also, in the sentence that says " I wasn't like other Asians" you say "I cared about my grades, but only because my parents would be upset." With all due respect, isn't this typical dynamic when it comes to education between Asian parents and their children? Maybe you should tweek the contrast (but only because my parents would be upset) in this sentence like you did the others.

But, again, this is really really good and engaging. You're an awesome writer!!




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