Personal Statement so far... feedback welcomed! Forum

[thisislife49]

I will ask for more advice once I complete it thanks for the comments so far!

[lastsamurai]

Good story in there but some serious editing needs to happen. Just a few things:

-"youthful children" "boxed cubicle" the adjectives are redundant
-"abuse on undeserving children" are any children deserving of abuse?
-don't say you were comparing it with another job offer
-"Did these results calm my mind any? Of course not," not what I would write in my professional degree essay

[thisislife49]

Good story in there but some serious editing needs to happen. Just a few things:

-"youthful children" "boxed cubicle" the adjectives are redundant
-"abuse on undeserving children" are any children deserving of abuse?
-don't say you were comparing it with another job offer
-"Did these results calm my mind any? Of course not," not what I would write in my professional degree essay

Very good observations... I noticed some of it too after re-reading it. I GREATLY appreciate it!! Any other comments are welcome!

[Ramius]

What you have so far shows some promise, but still needs work to get the rest of the way. From my point of view, you start out well with your discussion of the things you were exposed to on the job and how that lit a fire in you to help these defenseless children. You can still use some slightly stronger language in describing your reactions to what you saw. Don't take it over board, but if you really want the reader to experience your passion, you have to put it right in their face. And I think you should.

Be careful with how you trail off at the end, because I could already tell I didn't like where you were going. Tying this experience back to your undergraduate studies cheapens the experience you had on the job. If you want to reference something in your education background, make it short, sweet and directly relevant to your central theme of how this job impacted your passion and goals. Don't make it a segue in any way though. I'm thinking if you used it like, "I studied psychology, but no classroom, no professor, no textbook could prepare me for this in your face psychology. Real life can't be taught in a classroom." I'm purely spitballing here and you don't have to use that at all, but it keeps me engaged in what should be your central message. Talk too much about your studies, you look like any other applicant. That's not what this statement is for; you are meant to stand out with this. So don't be afraid to stand out.

You also still have some grammar issues to work through, but grammar can somewhat wait until you're closer to a finished product with your message and voice. Grammar should be in the smoothing out the wrinkles stage. It'd be pointless to edit something you very well may revise out tomorrow.

[thisislife49]

What you have so far shows some promise, but still needs work to get the rest of the way. From my point of view, you start out well with your discussion of the things you were exposed to on the job and how that lit a fire in you to help these defenseless children. You can still use some slightly stronger language in describing your reactions to what you saw. Don't take it over board, but if you really want the reader to experience your passion, you have to put it right in their face. And I think you should.

Be careful with how you trail off at the end, because I could already tell I didn't like where you were going. Tying this experience back to your undergraduate studies cheapens the experience you had on the job. If you want to reference something in your education background, make it short, sweet and directly relevant to your central theme of how this job impacted your passion and goals. Don't make it a segue in any way though. I'm thinking if you used it like, "I studied psychology, but no classroom, no professor, no textbook could prepare me for this in your face psychology. Real life can't be taught in a classroom." I'm purely spitballing here and you don't have to use that at all, but it keeps me engaged in what should be your central message. Talk too much about your studies, you look like any other applicant. That's not what this statement is for; you are meant to stand out with this. So don't be afraid to stand out.

You also still have some grammar issues to work through, but grammar can somewhat wait until you're closer to a finished product with your message and voice. Grammar should be in the smoothing out the wrinkles stage. It'd be pointless to edit something you very well may revise out tomorrow.

Thank you so much!! You two have helped me out a lot and given me the confidence to continue with this particular statement. I'll most definitely be working on the grammar after it is complete and not focusing much on my past education! As always, I greatly appreciate it!!