New formatting idea: OMGYG2BK: A Twitter Essay in 23 Tweets

[Anonymous User]

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[nugnoy]

I like it in general

1. Your intro, to me, is like two intros. There's describing the boudlers and painting insignia. Then there's running 4000 miles for each service member. Your intro is too long. I'd scrap the first half and really focus on the latter half.

"We set out to run 4000 miles, one for each service member that had died in Iraq" is ridiculously powerful. I'd focus/elaborate on this more.

It reminds "one" of a graveyard. "One" is unnecessarily formal - I'd prefer "you" "me" or "us." But then, going with the former paragraph, I'd scrap it.

I don't think Summer is capitalized.

2. liminal wasn't too clear to me. It's a world I only rarely read, and even then in the context of sub-liminal. I would describe it more clearly for the reader.

3.
"I had crafted" I wouldn't put it this way. To me it seems like you're saying, I came up with this notion, and it led me astray. So it's explicitly saying you're responsible for your going astray. You could say something like, "pop-culture and the environment around me made me believe the point of life was to just be part of the upper-middle class."

4. "Craigslist.org" lol, I liked this - it's nice because 1. everyone knows craigslist 2. wouldn't expect it to come up in an essay

5. "Basic combat training was at Ft. Jackson, South Carolina" Does it matter that your training took place in Ft. Jackson, SC? From what you've written so far, it doesn't seem to matter to me - you give me a name to process but for nothing. On the other hand, if you're gonna shorten BCT you should define it shortened (BCT) before

BTW, I think you can make the name matter. Seems to me you've been around the world much more than the average person. You can work this into a "broadened perspective" or "diversity" theme or essay.

6. Summer again, I don't think should be capitalized

7. "My experiences have left me jaded in some ways," if you're only going to mention this in passing and not elaborate on it, I'd rather not mention it at all.

8. "Most importantly, I found the direction that I had lost in graduate school.
Having nearly completed my five-year term of enlistment, I am committed to studying international law"

So I really liked that you answered this.

"limitations of military power. Armies can conquer places and tear down old orders, but they aren’t very good at building stable new ones. Competent, dedicated, and professional administrators are needed for that. I want to study international law "

I really liked this statement, it's powerful and is a fresh perspective. I'd phrase the bolded part more powerfully though.

9. "It is my profound hope that ___ University will help me take my first steps towards that goal."

I personally wouldn't say this if I'm gonna leave it up here. You're mentioning a name without backing it up. The deans know this is just a generic copy-paste. Heck, even I as an applicant can tell it's just a generic copy-paste. Even if you were writing this to only one school, unless that school is a different school that doesn't get many applicants, I wouldn't just say this. Either say it and back it up so that the reader can tell you're sincere, or don't say it at all.

10. BTW, is this what international law is? I would've thought that international law is sort of involving two businesses from different nations. But I don't know anything about international law, and maybe it's what it does. If it is, then I think your ultimate message is great.

[Anonymous User]

Thanks very much for your feedback. I think everything you said is spot on. Liminal is also an anthropology term meaning a transformative life event, often ritualized. I guess it's more obscure than I thought though, I'll use something else. As far as international law, you are right. What I was really referring to was international human rights law. I tend to equate the two in my mind since most of the schools I am researching which have good int. human rights law programs also have good international law programs. Thanks again for your input.