Are these terrible sentences?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Tigress
Posts: 72
Joined: Wed Dec 19, 2012 9:33 pm

Are these terrible sentences?

Postby Tigress » Thu Jun 13, 2013 10:37 am

"I am particularly interested in Duke’s Center on Law, Race and Politics and its forthcoming international human rights law clinic as I am deeply passionate about human rights law."

I know this sentence is not good, how can I make it better?

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DocHawkeye
Posts: 640
Joined: Fri Oct 29, 2010 11:22 am

Re: Are these terrible sentences?

Postby DocHawkeye » Thu Jun 13, 2013 7:14 pm

There is probably enough for a couple of paragraphs here:

I am deeply passionate about human rights law. [Give examples of your passion - writings, paid or volunteer work, courses, and etc.]

Because of my [interest/passion/work experience] in human rights, Duke’s Center on Law, Race and Politics and its forthcoming international human rights law clinic have made your school one of my top choices. [Expand on what you hope to gain/feel you can offer to the program].

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Tekrul
Posts: 493
Joined: Wed Apr 10, 2013 8:17 pm

Re: Are these terrible sentences?

Postby Tekrul » Fri Jun 14, 2013 12:28 am

Agreed with above poster. Smashing these ideas too closely together / listing them without getting into them makes them sound insincere. State these claims but then back them up as separate paragraphs.




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