Last Thing Dear Readers

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Tigress
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Last Thing Dear Readers

Postby Tigress » Fri Jun 07, 2013 10:03 am

Please read this as carefully as you can. I am not a native English speaker and I so very much want to go to Cornell or a similarly ranking school. I appreciate all your help and support:))

Diversity Statement

I am not an American woman. I am not a German woman. I am a Saudi woman. I did not hear about injustice in the comfort of my home nor watch reports of it on the news; I experienced it first-hand. I had to bitterly fight, throughout my life, for every modicum of right that many took for granted. I know what it is like to be oppressed. I know what it is like to be coerced and I know what it is like to be utterly denied. All this fueled my desire to study law. Indeed my experience as a Saudi woman endowed me with an enormous thirst for equality and an unbendable resolve to fight for justice.
I was not born into a privileged household nor did I have any advantage to speak of. I lost both of my parents at a fairly young age and had to rely solely on myself in everything in life. Most of my choices have been met with strong opposition. People around me did not like what I read, what I said or how I said it. Many resisted my choice of studying law—the time-honored profession of our male theologians. The refrain that “there are no women lawyers in Saudi” was repeated to me over and over to dissuade me from pursuing my dream. “That there are no women lawyers in the country is all the more reason why I should study law,” I calmly repeated. This, of course, did not resonate well with those who continue to lament how I am going “to hang my American law degree on the wall.” I see very differently, however.
From very early on in life, I openly questioned what many did not dare think to themselves. I knew that it could never be right that women should submit to male authority in virtually every aspect of their lives. I knew that it could never be just that women cannot drive, study, work, travel, marry or divorce without the consent of their male guardian, even if she is fifty and that guardian is her fifteen year-old son. I found it deeply disturbing that the law should allow men, well into their seventies and eighties, to marry children of ten and twelve simply because their father desired the dowry or wanted to satisfy a debt of some sort. I believe that Saudi women are ungodly dehumanized and gravely wronged. I believe that they impermissibly lack any meaningful opportunity at self-determination. Our civil rights are woefully deficient, and those few we have are entirely subject to the caprice of misogynistic judges who do not even complete their elementary education. This all has got to change and I feel, nay I know, and God is my witness, that I am the person who can make this happen.
Hence, my choice of Cornell Law School goes beyond mere fascination with its name and prestige; it is a well-thought-out decision. Going to Cornell will signal to my peers that, despite my gender, I am to be taken seriously. I will not be a mere “woman” who somebody could shut up because “she does not know what she is talking about.” This will help me tremendously in my pursuit and future goals.

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A. Nony Mouse
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Re: Last Thing Dear Readers

Postby A. Nony Mouse » Fri Jun 07, 2013 10:52 am

I think the central message in this is effective. There are lots of adjective and adverbs dragging the writing down a bit.

I would ditch the first 2 sentences, mostly because they suggest that no American or German woman could be oppressed or suffer injustice. While I'm not arguing that American or German societies are anywhere near as oppressive as Saudi (in terms of things like the examples you give later, marrying 10-year-olds and not being able to drive and so on), it doesn't seem helpful to make this an oppression Olympics and suggest that American and German women have it all/never experience injustice. (Also, why is Germany the other example?)

"I feel, nay, I know, and God is my witness" is kinda over the top.

You say your choice of Cornell goes beyond its name/prestige, but then you say that going there will "signal" something to your peers. How is that signaling not happening because of Cornell's reputation/prestige? If it's not about prestige, but just getting a JD, you could stay at Valparaiso.

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Tigress
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Re: Last Thing Dear Readers

Postby Tigress » Fri Jun 07, 2013 11:02 am

A. Nony Mouse wrote:I think the central message in this is effective. There are lots of adjective and adverbs dragging the writing down a bit.

I would ditch the first 2 sentences, mostly because they suggest that no American or German woman could be oppressed or suffer injustice. While I'm not arguing that American or German societies are anywhere near as oppressive as Saudi (in terms of things like the examples you give later, marrying 10-year-olds and not being able to drive and so on), it doesn't seem helpful to make this an oppression Olympics and suggest that American and German women have it all/never experience injustice. (Also, why is Germany the other example?)

"I feel, nay, I know, and God is my witness" is kinda over the top.

You say your choice of Cornell goes beyond its name/prestige, but then you say that going there will "signal" something to your peers. How is that signaling not happening because of Cornell's reputation/prestige? If it's not about prestige, but just getting a JD, you could stay at Valparaiso.



Thank you for the acute observations. I will work on your advice.

drive4showLSAT4dough
Posts: 304
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Re: Last Thing Dear Readers

Postby drive4showLSAT4dough » Fri Jun 07, 2013 11:17 am

Tigress wrote:Please read this as carefully as you can. I am not a native English speaker and I so very much want to go to Cornell or a similarly ranking school. I appreciate all your help and support:))

Diversity Statement

I am not an American woman. I am not a German woman. I am a Saudi woman. I did not hear about injustice in the comfort of my home nor watch reports of it on the news; I experienced it first-hand. I had to bitterly fight, throughout my life, for every modicum of right that many took for granted. I know what it is like to be oppressed. I know what it is like to be coerced and I know what it is like to be utterly denied. All this fueled my desire to study law. Indeed my experience as a Saudi woman endowed me with an enormous thirst for equality and an unbendable resolve to fight for justice.
I was not born into a privileged household nor did I have any advantage to speak of. I lost both of my parents at a fairly young age and had to rely solely on myself in everything in life. Most of my choices have been met with strong opposition. People around me did not like what I read, what I said or how I said it. Many resisted my choice of studying law—the time-honored profession of our male theologians. The refrain that “there are no women lawyers in Saudi” was repeated to me over and over to dissuade me from pursuing my dream. “That there are no women lawyers in the country is all the more reason why I should study law,” I calmly repeated. This, of course, did not resonate well with those who continue to lament how I am going “to hang my American law degree on the wall.” I see very differently, however. (Keep the message but not written this way).
From very early on in life, I openly questioned what many did not dare think to themselves. I knew that it could never be right that women should submit to male authority in virtually every aspect of their lives. I knew that it could never be just that women cannot drive, study, work, travel, marry or divorce without the consent of their male guardian, even if she is fifty and that guardian is her fifteen year-old son. I found it deeply disturbing that the law should allow men, well into their seventies and eighties, to marry children of ten and twelve simply because their father desired the dowry or wanted to satisfy a debt of some sort. I believe that Saudi women are ungodly dehumanized and gravely wronged. I believe that they impermissibly lack any meaningful opportunity at self-determination. Our civil rights are woefully deficient, and those few we have are entirely subject to the caprice of misogynistic judges who do not even complete their elementary education. This all has got to change[.] and I feel, nay I know, and God is my witness, that I am the person who can make this happen.
Hence, my choice of Cornell Law School goes beyond mere fascination with its name and prestige; it is a well-thought-out decision. Going to Cornell will signal to my peers that, despite my gender, I am to be taken seriously. I will not be a mere “woman” who somebody could shut up because “she does not know what she is talking about.” This will help me tremendously in my pursuit and future goals.


I think it would be stronger if you took out everything in red, and changed the red portion i commented on parenthetically.

Big Dog
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Re: Last Thing Dear Readers

Postby Big Dog » Tue Jun 11, 2013 5:00 pm

I am a Saudi woman. I did not hear about injustice in the comfort of my home nor watch reports of it on the news; I experienced it first-hand.


Drop the first two sentences. Then, r/w the next two to make a better hook - something like::

I do not read about injustices from the comfort of my home nor watch reports of it on the news; as a Saudi woman, I experienced it first-hand.

Good luck.

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Ixiion
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Re: Last Thing Dear Readers

Postby Ixiion » Wed Jun 26, 2013 7:16 am

Tigress wrote: I am not an American woman. I am not a German woman. (Agree with posters -- remove this. Sounds like you're making assumptions about a culture that you are not a part of.) I am a Saudi woman. I did not hear about injustice in the comfort of my home nor watch reports of it on the news; I experienced it first-hand. I had to bitterly fight, throughout my life, for every modicum of right that many took for granted. (--> "Throughout my life, I have had to fight for every modicum ....) I know what it is like to be oppressed. I know what it is like to be coerced and I know what it is like to be utterly denied. All of this has fueled my desire to study law. Indeed, (insert comma) my experience as a Saudi woman endowed me with an enormous thirst for equality and an unbendable resolve to fight for justice.
I was not born into a privileged household nor did I have any advantage to speak of. I lost both of my parents at a fairly young age and had to rely solely on myself in everything in life. Most of my choices have been met with strong opposition. People around me did not like what I read, what I said or how I said it. Many resisted my choice of studying law—the time-honored profession of our male theologians. The refrain that “there are no women lawyers in Saudi” was repeated to me over and over to dissuade me from pursuing my dream. “That there are no women lawyers in the country is all the more reason why I should study law,” I calmly repeated. This, of course, did not resonate well with those who continue to lament how I am going “to hang my American law degree on the wall.” I see *it/things/some other word* very differently, however.
From very early on in life, I openly questioned what many did not dare think to themselves. I knew that it could never be right that women should submit to male authority in virtually every aspect of their lives. I knew that it could never be just that women cannot drive, study, work, travel, marry or divorce without the consent of their male guardian, even if she is fifty and that guardian is her fifteen year-old son. I found it deeply disturbing that the law should allow men, well into their seventies and eighties, to marry children of ten and twelve simply because their father desired the dowry or wanted to satisfy a debt of some sort. I believe that Saudi women are ungodly dehumanized and gravely wronged. I believe that they impermissibly (not sure this is actually a word... hmm..) lack any meaningful opportunity at self-determination. Our civil rights are woefully deficient, and those few we have are entirely subject to the caprice of misogynistic judges who do not even complete their elementary education. This all has got to change (too informal. should change it to something like: "This culture of oppression has to change" or something to that effect) and I feel, nay I know, and God is my witness (Not horrible but possibly polarizing and can give a bad impression -- my opinion would be to remove that), that I am the person who can make this happen.
Hence, my choice of Cornell Law School goes beyond mere fascination with its name and prestige; it is a well-thought-out decision. Going to Cornell will signal (agree with previous posters-- "will signal" means you're talking about its prestige which contradicts your point. should reword this.) to my peers that, despite my gender, I am to be taken seriously. I will not be a mere “woman” who somebody could shut up because “she does not know what she is talking about.” This will help me tremendously in my pursuit and future goals.


What's in red is stuff I feel needs to be changed, followed by my bolded comments or fixes.

A couple other comments:
1- I lived in Saudi for a while. Correct me if I'm wrong (because I'm no longer there so this is just heresay) but from what I have heard, over the last 5-15 years it has changed and women are allowed to drive now.
2- You should expand upon how your experiences have truly made you desire law. A lot of it is cocky and isn't REALLY discussing the main point at hand. In other words, you talk about it helping w/ your future goals, but don't mention what they are. Public Interest? International? Civil Rights? What?
3- Too short IMO.
4- I don't know why, I just don't like the tone of it. But that could be just me, and I can't really explain why, it just bugs me.

ETA: Once again, I fail at checking the date of the OP and I've replied to a dead thread. Ugh.




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