Before I Submit, Any Last Suggestions?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Tigress
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Joined: Wed Dec 19, 2012 9:33 pm

Before I Submit, Any Last Suggestions?

Postby Tigress » Tue Jun 04, 2013 3:12 pm

Personal Statement

“Beautiful day!” I looked up and said, “Yes…it is.” I looked at my yellow hand, growing fuller and stronger and faintly smiled.
“Dear I am worried about you,” he whispered, after pausing for a moment.
“I am going to be okay. It is a different country, but I can handle it.”
“I admire your courage, but you are a woman. My friend’s family did not allow him to go alone and he is a man. It is a country filled with dangers and temptations. Men are wolves there. I don’t want something bad to happen to my baby sister. Please think about what you’re doing.”
“I want to study law,” I persisted calmly.
“Aah…well, I gave you my word before…Let’s get you some breakfast. We need to eat. You are frighteningly thin!”
Being stricken with tuberculosis was one of the toughest experiences I have had. I was bedridden for two months in an isolation unit, deprived of any human contact. I lost more than half of my weight and withered like a yellow leaf, almost nearing my demise. I believe my dream of going to law school, to Cornell in particular, strengthened my will to live and pulled me through these tough times. I raved about Cornell Law School all the time to my nurses and doctors. The pictures of Cornell Law School, that I kept on my phone and hung on my bedroom walls, fired my imagination throughout my ordeal. My brothers were filled with such compassion for me that they finally agreed to let me go to the United States alone on the promise that I recover; a proposition that was unthinkable to them a few months before.
Once I recovered, I flew to the United States, shivering, frail, and full of hopes. Unfortunately, extenuating circumstances and the fear of losing my scholarship with the Saudi government made me enroll at Valparaiso Law School. I was sorely disappointed that I had not yet attained my goal of attending Cornell Law School; however, I swallowed my disappointment and resolved to give my all to my studies to earn the requisite grades to transfer to Cornell. And now that a year has passed, my physical vigor is fully restored and I have the grades that demonstrate my qualifications, it is time for me to transfer to where I feel I belong: Cornell Law School. Indeed, there was not a single day that the idea of being at Cornell departed my mind.
I want to earn my J.D. from Cornell Law School because I want to have the best educational experience and enjoy greater internship and employment prospects unattainable anywhere else. I want to participate in Cornell Law School’s student organizations and journals such as the Women’s Law Coalition, the Muslim Students Association and the Cornell International Law Journal. I want to be an active member in Cornell’s legal community and give greater representation to people from my part of the world. I am particularly interested in Cornell’s Avon Global Center for Women and Justice as I am fervently committed to the issue of women’s rights, especially in Saudi Arabia and the rest of the Islamic world. I believe that I have what it takes to be at Cornell. I believe that I can be a unique addition to Cornell Law School. I have the intelligence, the vision, the courage, and the passion—readily seen by all—not only to perform outstandingly as a student, but also to create an impact that will positively change the world. This is what sets me apart. It is not only about my own finite life, but also about creating a change that transcends and outlasts me. Cornell Law School will open the necessary doors for me. Cornell Law School will place me where I need to be so I can reach my full potential. Of this I have no doubt.

drive4showLSAT4dough
Posts: 304
Joined: Wed May 23, 2012 10:19 am

Re: Before I Submit, Any Last Suggestions?

Postby drive4showLSAT4dough » Tue Jun 04, 2013 3:19 pm

You mention Cornell 16 times, but you do not give a single real reason as to why you want to go to Cornell rather than any other elite law school. None of your statements are supported by examples or evidence. I don't think you are ready to submit this yet.

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jas1503
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Re: Before I Submit, Any Last Suggestions?

Postby jas1503 » Tue Jun 04, 2013 4:10 pm

Image





...


...I humbly suggest that you don't use multiple ellipses in a formal letter to law schools.


Lastly, please consider omitting the first paragraph.

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Tigress
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Joined: Wed Dec 19, 2012 9:33 pm

Re: Before I Submit, Any Last Suggestions?

Postby Tigress » Tue Jun 04, 2013 6:14 pm

drive4showLSAT4dough wrote:You mention Cornell 16 times, but you do not give a single real reason as to why you want to go to Cornell rather than any other elite law school. None of your statements are supported by examples or evidence. I don't think you are ready to submit this yet.


Really? I said I am interested in their Avon Center and many of its student organizations and journals

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Clearly
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Re: Before I Submit, Any Last Suggestions?

Postby Clearly » Tue Jun 04, 2013 6:17 pm

Submit to what exactly? You're not applying to school now right?

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Tigress
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Re: Before I Submit, Any Last Suggestions?

Postby Tigress » Tue Jun 04, 2013 6:46 pm

Clearlynotstefan wrote:Submit to what exactly? You're not applying to school now right?


transferring

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Clearly
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Re: Before I Submit, Any Last Suggestions?

Postby Clearly » Tue Jun 04, 2013 7:14 pm

oh good. I thought you were applying at an 0L. Would be a wee bit late.

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Tigress
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Re: Before I Submit, Any Last Suggestions?

Postby Tigress » Tue Jun 04, 2013 9:28 pm

Clearlynotstefan wrote:oh good. I thought you were applying at an 0L. Would be a wee bit late.


Do you like my personal statement?

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Clearly
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Re: Before I Submit, Any Last Suggestions?

Postby Clearly » Tue Jun 04, 2013 11:24 pm

Tigress wrote:
Clearlynotstefan wrote:oh good. I thought you were applying at an 0L. Would be a wee bit late.


Do you like my personal statement?

Too many ellipses




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